I was set to write this powerful blog. First it was about taking who we are into this; the concept that we are who we are and taking on a new identity doesn’t change that. In fact in many ways it will amplify who you are in your core, both good and bad, until you actively decide to change those things. Then I thought “wait no I got it!” I would write about intention. I had a powerful conversation with another Master about having intention during play that has made me really look at experiencing scenes differently. Then I thought “wait wait I got it!” How about how a Master can’t truly train what they don’t really understand, and what can happen when the Master looks at training for service through rose colored glasses.
Then it really hit me—life that is—hit me right in my ass.
Lately I have been going through a lot of change and what I can say is a lot of growth and pain. These aren’t bad things, and everyone is OK, but my life is spinning, and I feel left behind, scared, and very lost.
The only thing that I want to do is to hide under the covers and only peek out when the air is still and the lights are out. I haven’t had the ability to think, process, much less to take the world by storm. (Or at least fake it till I make it.) And with that has been the feeling that I have lost my ability to lead in my household. I have felt fragile and tired, and very very broken.
This happens around this time of year I guess. That is what I tell myself to give myself a reason for feeling this way. I need some sort of an excuse for not being able to pull it together sometimes. Especially when I fall this hard and fast.
And so this is when my slave, my love, my wife takes from the deepest and best parts of herself and pulls the house together when I can’t. Her ability to serve is in her ability to lead without making me feel like I am failing her and our little four legged family.
She smiles, she holds me close, and she whispers sweet soft words of love and reassurance to me so that I can feel some sort of safety surround me.
She loves me and serves me even when I feel that I am not worth serving.
That is beauty and service and dedication to its core.
I am so very lucky, and I am hopeful that this time will pass soon, as I know it will.
But in the mean time I am so very blessed that my slave, my wife, my love can see that I am a whole person that falls to, that needs to be held and cradled and made to feel safe from a big and ugly world that would rather that people like me did not exist.
She tells me that when I fall she gets to catch me, and that makes her feel that she is giving to me as much as I give to her.
That is the gift of being a whole person, with a Master identity, not a Master with a person identity. When the fall happens, and it does, the whole person slave knows what it means to pick up the pieces and move forward.
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