What the Hell JUST Happened?

For me New Years Eve and  New Years Day are extremely important. There are omens during this time as to how my year will play itself out- or so I believe. 

So this year, like always, I did a little planning- not a lot- just a little. 

New Years Eve was going to be staying at home, sex and preparing for the New Years Day party. New Year’s Day was going to be an epic feast, family and play!  Needles and canes and bondage – OH MY! 

I put the bondage tables in the living room and they were ready to go. They are usually out and ready to go  but I really wanted to  play in front of a fire. I wanted to play to the smells and sounds and ambiance of it all. I had been looking forward to this for weeks!

The food included a turkey, two types of stuffing, collard greens, black eyes peas, mashed potatoes, and homemade berry cobbler. 

We had been saving for weeks!  

So  on New Year’s morning I woke up  and I was feeling OK- I little tight in  the chest- like I didn’t want to  take a deep  breath. I did  my morning  chores OK fed the horses and checked the trough, that sort of thing.

As the day progressed my breath got a little shorter- but I was DETERMINED!!!!

I received confirmations from those coming over that everything was a go and everyone was so excited-MAINLY ME!  

Over the last few days prior to this my slave hadn’t been feeling well. But she was holding her own, a bit of a cough, and fatigue, but overall good and excited for the holiday as well! 

We spent all day New Years Eve crafting together preparing gifts for the next day.
It was a group decision that we make New Years presents for each other, and I had been crafting until my shoulders were sore and my hands were numb!

So about 5pm or so it was time for sex!  Very important to have intimacy on New Year’s Eve. By this time my breathing had taken a turn for the worse, the cough  was more painful, I had vomited, and talking or laughing was becoming more difficult. 

BUT I WAS DETERMINED! NOTHING WAS GETTING IN MY WAY!!!!

Now just to preface this, earlier this week I had an incident that exacerbated my PTSD. All week I had been struggling with being present in my body.  So having sex was more than just about it being on New Years Eve it was about reclaiming my body.    

  

When  we started I was struggling to  breathe  a little more, my body wasn’t cooperating, and then  right as we were getting into foreplay- you  guessed it- sick  people poops. 

BUT I WAS DETERMINED!!!  

I made my way back to bed and gave it my all.

I would struggle to breathe, then I would just lie there, panting and snotting- and then-   I burped. 

Yep-  it was at that point we stopped sex,  but we couldn’t stop  laughing. 

It just got funnier and funnier!  We decided to  cuddle and to  fulfill  my wish for sex it was decided that  “ON 3”  we would “cum”  together. 

It was all so hilarious the flat monotone voice of “oh yes stick it in  daddy…” “Yes more and deep like….” As the faked orgasms rang in my ears I lost it! I could not stop laughing, I couldn’t breathe, it was UNBELIEVABLY hysterical.

Then I coughed and farted. At the same time.

So we laid there laughing and holding each other. It was so intimate, so beautiful, and so  loving. 

It was about two hours later when I knew I was in real trouble. So we bundled up and headed to the Women’s ER. They were so  good to  me, I was in  and out really fast and I am  now on  several  meds to  get my viral  upper respiratory inflection  under control.

We were headed home  when  my slave started to  not do  well. she had been  struggling but she had put herself on  the back  burner to  care for me. After I received treatment she started to drop. Bad and hard.

I helped her into the house, got her changed and on the couch.  It was at that point that I knew that there was no way tomorrow would happen. My meds were making me shaky and weak; her meds give her bad headaches and fatigue. talking triggered harsh  painful  coughing fits. 

So I sent out the alert that tomorrow was not going to happen.  I felt so bad about cancelling- everyone needed this- but as we sat on the couch puffing away it became painfully apparent that there was no way we were going to  be functional.

When midnight came she was on a breathing treatment as I tried to not cough. 

About one am we got up slowly and made the bed together. We looked at each other, held hands and said to each other “as a team.”

When  we got up on  New Year’s Day we weren’t a whole lot better- but there was a turkey to  cook- so  I had my slave sit and talk  me through  how to cook  a turkey.

My first turkey. Ever.

I did all of the prep work as we slowly made it through our day.  Together as a team.

Resting when we needed to, each one of us taking over the next part as the other ran out of steam.

Together as a team. We would say it to give each other strength, to support and love each other as we couldn’t talk a lot before the coughing would be triggered in both of us.

So  that was our holiday.  The bondage tables are left unused, my needle pack unopened and the canes undisturbed. The fire left unlit because we couldn't take any irritation that would possibly cause a cough.

The food was slowly cooked over the day in parts with most of it packed away for later.

Everyone was very understanding. 

Even thought I am  not sure what all  happened here- time went so  unbelievably fast. Before we know it there was midnight and the first day of the new year was drawing to  a close. It all  happened on  hyper speed.

What I can say is Happy New Year to everyone.

And may your dreams, desires, and loves come true! With  or without the ER visit!!!!

Happy New Year!

It is that time of year, time to do “ye ol reflection” . What happened to you or because of you this year?  How has your life changed? How have your view and your outlook changed? What have you accomplished or put aside? I like this time of year, I like the idea of looking back and seeing what I have done over time. Have I accomplished my goals, have I remained stagnant? 

It feels good this year to look  back, the house is warm,  the horses are eating, I am  currently enjoying my slaves amazing Puerto Rican pink beans and rice, and I have been  rabidly fulfilling my bucket list for my winter break  before I go  back  to school in January. 

This year we have decided to spend the turnover of the New Year at home in front of a fire with sparkling cider and movies. It is indicative, I think, of the changes in our lives over the last year. The first day of the New Year is planned to be filled with play, food, love and family.  

Happy New Year Everybody.

  Happy Dreams and Goals-  my this be “Your Year”  the year when  your life changes for the better and may it be that by this time next year may you  be wrapped up  in  the warmth of accomplished dreams.

Trained? BULLSHIT.

OK- I wasn’t going to say anything, but the more I thought about it the more I got really pissed. I don’t know why I am pissed about this, it is stupid and silly and pointless but here goes. Last week I was approached by a slave- nothing new there. 

She had supposedly been “trained”, ok fine, worthless, but fine. When she wrote it was in text shorthand to the point where I could not understand her.  So I said “if you are going to talk to me, please do so in complete sentences with punctuation”.  

Now I know that my grammar, punctuation, syntax, and tenses need A LOT of work. I am not that blind. But dammit I can complete a sentence and put a period on the end of it before I start the next one. 

When she attempted full sentences I gave her some lee way despite the lack of punctuation because she was trying. Then I asked her “What did you learn about yourself during your training?”

Her response, no shit here, direct quote “i learn being submissive”   then “submissive to anyone that got me as slave”.  

No shit. Direct quote.

So at that point gave up and I asked again “do you know how to write in complete sentences with punctuation?”   

When she said yes, I thought “OK that is a starting point. Let’s try again.”  So I said “OK good then do so.”

Not only was she unable to write in complete sentences with any form of punctuation, she had absolutely no sense of insight or self. As the short conversation went on her ability to write would degenerate back to texting form.

Finally I just got pissed and wrote her off.
A little later I came back, I couldn’t help myself, and I said “I am curious- where you unable to answer the question or unable to write in complete sentences?”


No surprise that she never did answer…


What has me pissed about this is that someone “trained her”. Trained her for what?  To fuck, give blow jobs, and take a whip? To put up titty and pussy pics? That isn’t being trained, that is being used.


Where in her training was she prepared for the BDSM world? Where was she taught how to communicate, how to represent herself, how to bring something to the table. Instead here she is thinking that her training has prepared for what BDSM has to offer. 

Instead of insight she is doing daily kneeling exercises. Instead of learning how to follow simple requests like using complete sentences and punctuation, she learned how to spread eagle and pinch her nipples for the camera.


It made my stomach turn.


The worst part is that I know that there are Masters out there who would love to get their hands on her, to exploit her stupidity for their own means and gains. I would venture to guess that is exactly what her “training” consisted of.


I know that this happens; I know that there are many out there who claim to train so that they can get a piece of ass. But having that short conversation where I was dealing with the reality of that outcome made me nauseous.

It was disheartening. 

What could she have been? Did she have talents? Thoughts? Abilities? 

The sad thing is more than me not knowing, she probably doesn’t know.

The Art ot the Warm Up

Warm up is an art. It really is.  That being said, I don’t have the best warm up skills. I am  not the most patient of people and I catch  myself going too  fast to soon and having to  back track more often  than I would like.  While we were playing the other day   I really wanted to focus on the warm up, and soak all of it in. 

I realized that because warm ups are not as glamorous as the other parts of play, that they are often taken for granted. I do them, but I want to do them better, more effectively, and more thoroughly. I want to set the stage for the meat of play with clear intention and sharpen my assessment skills of her reactions.  

 I thought maybe that I would be bored by concentrating on the simple things. But that didn’t happen at all. By relaxing into the warm up I surprised myself. I was able to realize that I really have come far in my play.  I could sense where she was. I tried to really attune myself to her, feeling her out, not just physically, but emotionally. 

My slave has the cutest butt and it completely relays where she is in her relaxation. So that makes it easy- but I loved the fact that I tuned in to her moans and wiggles and that they went right to my crotch.

Refocusing on the warm up took away the pressure that play can sometimes put on me to perform, and it allowed for other things to come forward. 

It might be a surprise to some to find that the Top identified person feels some pressure to perform. I think it is more common that is discussed.

It isn’t that there isn’t love in the play, or skill, or that the play doesn’t get us off, it does all those things. But like sex- there is a “thrusting “partner and that is the one that drives the feeling of the players time together.

So  like sex-  there is a  certain  amount of performance that happens that can  create a really powerful  time, a mediocre time, or a “well  that was  an ummmm”  time.  

Part of creation of an experience is, in my opinion, formed by the connection between the players, the Tops ability to read the bottom, the type of toy used, the setting, the negotiation, and the overall feeling.

But then there is something deeper, something less describable, something that when it is there you feel it and know it and when it is not you feel  its absence just a much--

It is the thing that the Top brings to the scene, sometimes through flourish, sometimes through skill, sometimes through raw and open emotion. That thing that makes both players fly- that thing that makes scenes memorable (for a variety of reasons, good and bad), that thing that makes the players masturbate to the memory of that scene for months, even years later.  

So if the Top person isn’t careful the weight of creating that thing can take over the scene itself and the rest gets lost in the pressure of the creating. The need to be seen as skilled, creative, fierce, imposing, tough, a “real” player, a real “Top”, by their bottom  or the community. This can lead to a glossing over of warm up time and a sense of competitiveness with other Top identified people. 

And- by the way- whether this is real or imagined is irreverent to the feelings it creates. 

So when I went  back to the basics by re experiencing warm up, it   brought all of that to the surface. I have felt the competitiveness in my head, I have let the pressure of what I thought I "should be" doing allow what I "could be" doing to take a back seat.

So making the warm up be the play has changed my focus. It has allowed me to fall in love with her body all over again, to give me the ability to  return myself to her moans, and her clues. To refocus on her, me, and my crotch, as it should be! To release the pressure and follow my lust and her moans to be the things that create the scene.  

It was really neat. It was really -  beautiful.

I want I want I want!!!!!

Finals are over. I have spent the past year pent up.

I want to play until my arms fall off.

 I want to  fuck until  my fingers and face are numb and the vibrator short circuits the house.

 I want to be fucked until  my pussy is swollen  and raw.

I want to have threesomes for hours.

I want to  go  out in  the afternoon and work  in the pasture until it is dark.

I want to put up the round pen  and start Rainey on her new path.

I want to  brush  Pokey’s mane until  he gets annoyed and poops at me.

I want to  go  to play parties.

I want to go  to munches.

I want to  light fire, drink  apple cider and make fun  of the acting in a B movie.

I want to celebrate all I can  until January when it all  starts again.

I want to  get started RIGHT NOW!

Right after I nap.....