The complexity of Butches and Femmes

 Last week  we were honored to  be able to present at AEL.  We had a blast!  My slave and I did the topic butches and femmes,  here is her opening to what was an amazing night!  Thank you to everyone who attended and whop wote about it afterwards.  We were both very touched and moved by what you had to say:)  

Hello everyone!  I am  e--,  slave to Master and a femme identified queer woman of color. The reason why I use so many adjectives in describing what I am is that all of these have had a pivotal part in my journey  towards embracing my femme identity. Growing up I was very much a tomboy  and refused to wear dresses or shop in the girls section of the stores. This felt very comfortable to me, and it was what I needed to feel like my identity was my own. 

I didn’t come out of the closet as gay until I was about 20. By that time my gender expression had started to change.  And I began to  experiment with  what is viewed as more traditionally feminine attire.  Just like with my choice to wear masculine clothes when I was younger  this was a decision I made on my own and for myself.  While the outside world seemed to be more accepting of my new form of gender expression. The queer women’s  community that I was now a part of had a very hard time accepting   me as one of their own. I was under a lot of p[pressure by my lesbian friends to assume a more masculine form of gender expression  because it was more acceptable  for a woman  of color who was fat to be masculine identified.  It wasn’t until I picked up a book  about female African  American  blues artists  that I was first exposed  to queer fat woman of color.

Artists like Betsy Smith were an  epiphany for me and I now had my first set of femme idols  that I could look up to.

The other complication of my femme identity was the assumption  by many  queer women that my femme identity  meant that I was a passive partner in bed, in other words I was thought to be a pillow queen based on my gender expression and nothing else.
That is if I was even  considered queer at all.

As my femme expression became stronger and more 3 dimensional  in a way that suited my unique identity  I began to openly address the issues  of femme Invisibility that I was experiencing  within the queer community.

Femme invisibility refers to the lack of social and sexual recognition and validation that women with a feminine gender expression experience in queer women  spaces. Although this type of invisibility can  exists in all spaces, it is particularly hurtful when  the community that we are a part of does not recognize us.

In other words we are not viewed as gay unless we have a butch  partner on our arm.  And even then  we still remain questionable and are viewed as mere tourists  in the world of queer women’s sexuality.

Some of the ways that I have dealt  with my own femme  invisibility have been to be more vocal   and open about my enjoyment of same sex relations. IN other words I talk about pussy a lot, and I even  include hand gestures and sound effects. If the people around me don’t get the message about what a happy poon hound I am  then at least they  have the decency to look disgusted and walk away.

 Especially when I get into waxing philosophical about my love of camel toe.

I also  find it very affirming to talk with other femmes  who enjoy  the complexity of their sexuality luckily they usually have more hand gestures  for me to try out.

And last but certainly not least  I embrace the power of the femininity  of the women around me. I learned the importance  of this  when I became an ally   in the transgendered rights  movement. It was transgendered women  who first showed me the importance of supporting and embracing the divine feminine in everyone. The respect that I had regarding their femme identity gave me the insight  to have respect for my own.  And finally I have come to find a lot of  freedom in  Middle Eastern and African dance. This allows me to  reconnect with my body  and its feminine strength.  When I look at other belly dancers it is a reminder to me of the power of my femininity.