Emotional roller coasters

Emotions  are transitory. Emotions change, grow, and  dim. What a person  feels one day doesn't mean that they will feel it the next.
Sometimes in relationships when the emotion  of love changes, doesn't come as easy or is challenged by time limitations or emotional fatigue, it is easy to fall into the thought that the feelings  are gone and will be gone forever and then panic.

This can  create a roller coaster affect in the relationship. Where the people in the relationship  chase the high of being in love, chase that feeling of euphoria that comes with  the intensity of love and lust. Then crash  emotionally when the love is felt to be  not as strong, or is felt to not be returned, or is threatened in  some way real or imagined.  
Usually this is where a fight happens. The fight is based in  something that really doesn't matter,  but the intention of the fight is to turn the other persons attention back to the relationship and their partner.
So the relationship  goes from the high and euphoria of love  to the angst of a fight to the high again.


Healthier relationships learn to find a middle road.  They understand that there are closer times and  further times and  times when instead of causing a conflict to create closeness, they  simply ask for closeness  and act to  create it.

So this has what to do  with BDSM exactly?

Because these are people patterns, they exist in  all types of relationships, and when you take those patterns and put them into relationships that are based in power exchange you get different outcomes.

Because we view our identities as such  a deep part of who we are, the roller coaster pattern can have a very different significance to  a Master and slave couple then to a  vanilla one.

So  in a vanilla relationship  maybe the partners  fight it out, get up and leave for the night, or tell each other off. Maybe they show each other love and euphoria by getting extra oohy gooey, and maybe they do  more things for each other, or get little gifts for each other, or do something along those lines, until they fall back into fighting.

For M/s couples though the options are different. In some dynamics slaves are not allowed to voice feelings against the Master. So although they may have them , speaking them is forbidden. The slave may  not have the physical ability to leave for example they may not have access to  a car, money, or even  clothes to be able to leave the house.

The Master may react badly to  feelings of disconnect from the slave and intentionally or unintentionally make the slaves life harder to create that feeling that was there before.

During the loving times the Master may not feel that they as a Master can be overly loving because of their  identity so they may withhold their love and affection.



The other end of this is when the slave starts to feel disconnected and starts making the Masters life a living hell until they feel that they (the slave) matters  to the Master.  Then things calm down and the slave becomes very attentive and loving,  until the need for the connection  happens again, and the living hell ensues.

 When it does happen in this direction the Master many times will feel that they  cannot discuss what is going on because of the fear that others will view them as not in  charge of their slave, or less of a Master, or not a Master at all.
It can  become very paralyzing.


Because of our identities we go through other thought processes then the vanilla folk. Things like if I were more of a slave or submissive then I could have fulfilled my Master in a way then they never would have left-- maybe I am not a slave or a submissive at all. So if I become  a dominant maybe that way I can't be hurt again, I don't ever have to be that vulnerable again.

We aren't talking about the ending of a relationship here-  we are talking about the ending of an  identity. This goes both ways, Masters that leave their path of Mastery because they don't feel that they are able to lead. If they were a stronger  Master the slave would have been more obedient, more loving, more responsive, more something....  So it must be the Master.

Kind of like when  a lesbian relationship goes wrong and someone freaks and thinks that if they were in a straight relationship that their lives and relationsips would somehow be easier.

So finding the middle road, knowing and having peace with the thought that what a person  feels will change and grow and dissipate depending on a lot of things. 
Sometimes just reminding the self that feeling of love and lust and euphoria is going to  change and  morph into something else. It doesn't mean that it has to go away entirely, but it does change. 

Sometimes it changes off of the roller coaster and onto  a long and beautiful road where the love is the constant and the fights are rare and resolvable.

And sometimes,  well sometimes it is time to buy  a ticket to another ride.  Not necessarily change how you identify, unless you are changing,  but change the ride.