My responsibility as a Master

When Masters become Masters they take on a lot of responsibility. Some if it is crotch based responsibilities in other words, it is the hot, sexual, libido driven responsibilities - like genital soreness and nipple teasing. These are the easy and fun things. 

However, signing up for being a Master also means that you sign up to lead, guide, and provide.

For me providing for my slave is one of my top priorities, and something that I have for years prided myself on. We have been, and still are poor but I work really hard for her to have full medical benefits, being the beneficiary of my   life insurance, and 401 K, should I pass.   AND then……

In 2009 we bought our first house. I felt so proud, like I had really provided for her, like she would be safe if something were to happen to me. For me buying the house wasn’t just about being a home owner, it was about me being able to say to  myself I  can provide, I do  provide, and I am  proud of it.

It didn’t take long for problems to set in and for the last four years things have gotten steadily worse leaving us financially devastated and me with a credit score just below homeless but above that guy that washes your windshield without you asking. As things would go from bad to worse and back to bad again (which was usually the upswing) I knew that I had my slave in a situation that was very dangerous for her. There were sometimes when we were two or three months behind and I knew that if something happened to me that she would be homeless, with little financial options   or job prospects.

It tore me apart. It was worse than being poor, having limited or no food, no heat, or hay for the horses. It was worse than driving without car insurance, having the bill collector’s call, or the sweaty palms when I went to go get the mail. It ate at me --the knowledge that the promise that I made to provide for her was falling through my fingers. It kept me up at night, and gave me nightmares when sleep did come, made my heart race and my ability to see myself as her Master eroded. I asked myself time and time again, if I cannot provide for her then what kind of Master am I?

So last week  we finally sat down and decided that we had done all that we could do, but it was time for a change, a move, and we needed to  walk away from this house that was four years ago a promise of a better life.

It was only after that decision was made and I had a day or two to think and process did I realize how far the financial realities of our life that I had normalized had actually eaten away at my identity as her Master. Then I got to thinking about all of the things that I was going to be able to provide for her after these changes are said and done.  

Not just the simple things in life like an actual consistent  grocery budget,  and paid utilities, better credit, and gas in the car but the other things, things like going to  a specialist when her knee hurts , or her back is aching,  and not having to worry about the 30 $ co-  pa.  I won’t have to  panic every time that she  coughs because it is 3 days past payday and if she needs a DR  we can  most likely pay the co pay, but being able  to  afford the meds is another matter entirely.  Things like  new bras when hers explode, things like that rose that she has wanted for two years,  and providing for the Betties to  keep  her strong, being able to pay for her classes  about herbs and flowers that she loves so much, and feeling like I am  really providing for her happiness and her future. 

Those things make me feel like I can provide for her, and like I can wear my identity as Master with pride again. Like if something should happen to me that she would be in a position to do something and to have security and safety again. Like the small things won’t be such a stretch any more.

 Like I can hold my head up again and say I did this for her, I sacrificed as she has sacrificed for me, and have those words mean something real.

Being poor did not eat at my sense of Mastery, never has, never will, but being able to provide, that is something else all together.

My slave is not extravagant, she doesn’t ask for much and she doesn’t complain when things are sparse, or difficult. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel it when I can t do for her, when I fail at providing for her. So this change, although  painful  and  difficult in its own  way gives me hope that I can  give my slave a better life, and one where she can  feel  safe and know that she is taken care of. 

That is my responsibility to and for her, and I am holding on to that for all that I am worth.