Engagement

The last few months over here at Casa De Oso have been really interesting. So much has happened since October 1st it has left me dizzy. All of it really good, the fundraisers, Leather Fiesta, My Loves birthday, all good. 

And then I had this thing happen. Like an  "aha" moment.

I was at Porn-a-topia the night that my slave was performing. There was a discussion of what happens when someones sex drive drops, and how do they get it back. The discussion was really good. And it got me thinking about so much of what is going on in my life right now. 

I have been asking myself some very tough questions.  

The biggest, most complicated of which is “where is my engagement?”

When we lived in Tijeras our lives where so difficult that I turned to serving the community. It was one of the things that truly made me feel like I had a purpose, and that I wasn’t a failure. That community involvement kept me as sane as I could be at that time. 

But now things are different. 

And even  though  things are different, I am  finding that my coping skills are  not changing. I find myself driving myself just as hard as I was before and using community service to  buffer dealing with  "me" and "my life".
  
So  what I finally realized is that I am changing, and that my community engagement has in some places taken priority over my home engagement. 

 I want that to change. No- that has to change. 

It does not mean  that I will  stop  doing what I am already doing-  my blog, education  at the Wet Munch, talking with  people, teaching and speaking  when I am asked to.  And I will  always be "at the ready" for the titleholders as my services as Den  Bear are available throughout their title year.  

But it is going to mean a lot of other things. First, I need to be home more.  That means meeting with less people, doing less coffees, and dinners. 

Then it means taking the time that I do have at home and making it mean something. More play, more sex, more time that I am present with my slave. 

The “present” part is where it is really important. Not just being home, but being really "in the moment" with and for her.  

So those are the things that I am working on right now. It is a really hard adjustment for me. I love my community. 

But I think that my community service has to be balanced out with my life more constructively. 

Right now my community service  needs to  take a back  burner as I struggle with  getting my head on right,  with  re engaging in  the woman  in my life that gives it meaning, with the animals, and with  the home that I am lovingly surrounded by. 

In many ways re engaging in my slave, home, and life is so much more risky then engaging in community. It means being truly bare.  
It will  have to  be done in small  steps. To be endeavored in  a way  that I know that I can not just do  but continue. I know that I won’t be able to do it all at once. 

But I am taking on small things at home as I can. 

It will be a journey and not a destination. 

I think it’s time.      

I think I am ready.