Excerpt from my AEL Presentation

So –why is it that BDSM protocol is considered different?  So much so that people spend years, if not decades refining it, talking about it and fighting about it. It is something that makes or breaks friendships, partnerships, even marriages. It can determine your social base, as in- do  you hang out with people who believe strongly in it, people who believe it doesn’t apply to them, and people who respect it, but don’t practice.  Who are your friends, and how do your friends reflect your own practices? 

Protocol is something that we use in BDSM for many purposes. Most commonly it strengthens the bonds of power exchange relationships, it creates a hierarchy and structure to showing respect, and it is so ingrained in our BDSM culture that when it is broken it is a “scandal”.   Its like porn- we  may not know what it is but we sure know what its not. We may not always know what protocol is, but we sure do seem to gossip about when it isn’t followed!

Common protocols  that we all  seem to  follow no  matter where we are on  the protocol  spectrum-  of high  to  no  protocol-  saying please and thank you, not playing at the Wet Munch, not drinking  at Leather fiesta,  not having sex at AEL. We can say on one hand that these are the rules and we follow the rules. But are they not also the protocols of that event, that person’s home, that organizers preferences? And what is a protocol but a preferred way of acting, dressing, talking and being?

I think  that what I am  trying to  say here is that protocol  is important because whether you like it or not, whether you are a “non conformists bad ass” or not,  if we don’t follow the social  protocol  then  we don’t get asked back. And you end up  being a very lonely  non conformists bad ass, who  doesn’t get recognized for just how much  of a bad ass you are because  no one wants to  be around you. 

 BDSM  protocol  has a long and  glorious and most likely somewhat fictional  history. As I was beginning to  work on  this I went first to the internet- and I had a blast. I actually fund some amazing, insightful, and through sites to  protocol and printed out some PDF's .  I also  found a lot of hot air. And it smelled funny.