I hurt- you fix it

When I presented at AEL a few weeks back I brought forth the concept that “protocol” can be used as a gateway or excuse for abuse. One of the underlying concepts here is how a partner can isolate. 

So what I said at the presentation was when partner A goes to partner B and says. “That person makes me uncomfortable”. And partner B says “oh honey I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, I don’t have to spend as much time around them.” And this continues until Partner B has limited friends, limited social outings, limited home gatherings, and is effectively isolated. Because over time Partner A is “uncomfortable “with more and more people or select people that represent a group as a whole. 

But I wanted to take this a part a little more. 

The problem isn’t that partner A is uncomfortable or that partner B wants to alleviate that discomfort.  

The problem is that partner A needs for partner B to change so that partner A can “feel” better. That is where the danger lies. On both sides. 

So  first off partner A. Understand that in  the beginning partner A will  feel  emotional  release when  partner B steps back  or away from  someone that they feel  uncomfortable by.  Partner A feels empowered, supported, and in control. They feel like their partner is really behind them and that can be really intoxicating.

But that feeling won’t and cant last.  

It will have a high, and then it will leave.  And with each new person that they experience their discomfort with they will feel less of that original feeling of empowerment, control and support. The high from “you change so that I can feel better” fades over time which means that the emotional requirements of partner A will get more extreme. This can play itself out by  partner A  becoming more and more accusatory, picking fights, or exaggerating how they were treated to  get a stronger emotional reaction  out of partner B.

The problem does not lie in  partner A  feeling uncomfortable.  The problem lies with partner A only feeling better when partner B changes their actions.  This leads to partner B being blamed for partner A’s emotions. When in reality although partner A is allowed to feel whatever they need to, it is their responsibility to handle their own emotions in a healthy manner. 

I am  not talking about  the amount  of  give and take that every relationship  must have,  even  M/s ones. I am talking about a systematic and manipulative way of handling emotions that sets people up for failure. 

Partner B is then between a rock and a hard place. They feel that their actions can control the outcome of partner A ‘s  feelings. Which leaves them consistently focused on partner A and what partner A  needs to feel better. In essence they take responsibility for the emotions of another, while partner A takes no responsibility for how they feel in the first place. 

What makes this unhealthy? Why is this different then accommodating your partner in things that we do every day? 

What makes this unhealthy is -  

Partner A takes no accountability for how they feel. They blame others for how they feel and they instigate or exaggerate encounters to create emotional intensity.   This isn’t about voicing how they feel and then finding comfort in the response, then from there dealing with those emotions in a healthy way.  (Doing self care, doing a hobby, engaging in activates that build a sense of self…) 

This is “I hurt- you fix it”

 And one person cannot fix another.

Partner B is then convinced that they can make someone feel a certain way, and that means that they take personal responsibility for the other person’s emotions.  When partner A is upset, it is partners B’s fault in some way.  And from there the thought of “if only I had done better, they wouldn't be upset” begins.

In partnerships, we all get hurt, we all feel joy, we all feel disappointment, and we all feel support. (Hopefully.) 

Taking personal accountability for how you feel is one of the hardest things that you can do. You may not have a lot of control over how you feel. Feeling jealously, feeling unloved, feeling unneeded those are all parts of an emotional life. 

But expecting your partner to dance around how you feel to the point where they change parts of their life that matter to them. Is not only unhealthy for them it is unhealthy for you.