Growing Pains! Human Development in leather, fetish, and kink

New Mexico Fetlifers puts on an event a few months out of the year called PERV. It is 5$ per person to go and for the first hour they cover the basics on how to act and what to expect if you are new to the community. They also cover basic rules and etiquette that applies no matter where you are, as well as how to be safe on the internet and in person. The second hour they have a speaker and to open their 2012 year they had Daddy Stan. He talked about how human development in many ways is re-experienced during a person’s first few years after they discover their leather, fetish, and or kink identity. 

There was no way I was going to miss this and as expected it did not disappoint.

First Daddy Stan covered how a person develops through the infant, toddler, pre-adolescent, adolescent and adult stages.  Then he drew parallels between behavior in each stage to the person going through their leather, fetish, and kink journey. Keep in mind thought that these stages are not always linear and not based on age.

The infant stage in human development is about experiencing safety and exploration.  The same applies to the infant stage in a person’s leather journey, it is where people are finding the group that they fit in and then touching everything including, sticking a lot of things in their mouth.

 The toddler stage is where a person gets up and explores their environment through movement, they are figuring out their bodies and learning to move like those around them, not to mention that they want all the toys!   In leather people go to their first event, they watch how others act, and sometimes try to follow those actions. Learning how to walk, talk and in some ways how to project the image of themselves as they figure out how they want to be seen.

The pre adolescent stage is where the person is awkward and learning, but also starting to establish what they think, even if it different from those that they respect. No leather equation needed there.

The adolescent stage is where the person knows it all, and is angry because all of the idiot adults are destroying the world, and if people would just LISTEN! So they run off taking their toys with them to go make it right. The leather equitation of how the leaders are just all messed up and this person is going to either disappear all together because no one will let them be them, or start their own group, because it is so easy.

Then the adult stage were the person is more settled, seeking family and more willing to take in others way of thinking. They move easily and have established themselves, either through experience, or service, or time. The adult stage of leather is a beauty to behold, they are so easily confident and have established leather families.

As Daddy Stan spoke I found that so much about me and others became clearer.

I could see myself in every stage, being an infant and wanting to be safe with my own exploration. I was looking for someone to hold my hand and show me the ropes, but do it in a way that was loving and supportive. Although I had my lovely wife in my mouth often, I also found Rap- who taught me single tail, and answered my questions.

Then the toddler stage where I was learning how I wanted to walk and talk, mirroring those around me, watching, learning, and drooling over every toy possible!!!

My pre-adolescent stage which I think was my title year, fighting for my sense of self, wanting to be right, but wanting the elder’s approval so much.

Then adolescence which for me was pure defiance I and believing that I was right which I feel was also my title year.

So far out of all of the stages all I have enjoyed my adult stage the most.  I have settled into my leather family, I know who I am and how I want to be. I listen more, not always, but more and I am focused on keeping my projects alive and thriving. I also seek out those that know more than I do to learn how to lead better.

The talk also has helped me identify those around me, and perhaps to be more patient because I can more clearly understand what stage that they are in, and that that stage will most likely change as they grow.  

The person that has been around for the least 15 years but doesn’t understand why no one takes their suggestions, and whose skill set is the same now as it was then: adolescent

The person that wide eyed sitting quietly at their first event, listening, watching, and adjusting themselves as they watch others: toddler

The person shadowing and watching the leaders wanting to do something themselves, but shy and awkward:  pre-adolescent

So maybe next time that idiot that comes up to me angry and full of suggestions as to how AEL Kinkskills could be soooo much better and much more successful if only I would just LISTEN to them….. 

I can just say to myself:  OK adolescent…   time for your trip to the mall.