Through a Master's eyes: The Journey of the Mastery of Self

 I have always heard that if you are going to be a Master you must first be  a Master of yourself. For the longest time I never understood this. 

Does it mean that you must be in control of your  emotions at all times,  as well as your thoughts and  your actions? 

And how realistic is it to demand the Mastery of something that is constantly changing,  no matter what the situation.



So I was left with the question,  of what does the Mastery of the self  really mean? And what does that mean to me?




Sure one can say that when times are easy, stable, and predictable that having a certain amount of Mastery over  ones emotions, thoughts, and actions  on a consistent basis  is not only attainable, but reasonable.  Honestly speaking , though, how often is life easy, stable and predictable? 


Does it mean that a person should no longer identify as  a Master if they cannot control these things that sometimes even surprise the most stoic of all of us?


Is it that  they must step away from their title because of the internal failure of loss of self control, even  for a brief time, and even if they regain themselves eventually?


I ask this question now because from November of last year to April of this year I was under an extreme amount of pressure and I was sometimes quickly, and sometimes slowly, loosing my sense of self control. 


My emotions became more erratic as I strove- for all that I was worth- for some sense of safety, only to find that someone else had died, or something else had broken, or I was staring into an abyss of loss that I could no longer fathom living through.

My thoughts were consumed  by the daily fears of life. What was going to happen next? I was powerless to do anything  as we weathered another cold day without heat, measured out the food, and watched as the horses got skinnier from a dwindling supply of hay.

Then my actions followed, in public I wanted to come across as being OK, that everything  was normal, but instead my internal chaos simply took over. I became overly rough in what I excused as  "playfulness" as I searched for a sign to myself that I was OK, and failing that,  I went overboard.

During this time I started to question my Master identity. I felt out of control, and that any attempt to gain control was futile because every time that I did try something else would beak, or  explode, or the tears would come and I could not stop them.

I questioned my right to lead, and began to feel that my slave needed someone better, she deserved that. Someone who could provide for her better, lead stronger, and hold it together when times were tough.


Then it happened.


I went to far with someone because I didn't want to stop. 
They  could have gotten hurt, and badly. 
It was at that sobering moment that I froze and realized that I had given up.
I had given up even trying to try.
I had given up even trying to control my own behavior.
I had given up on myself.

At that point I became very afraid of my own self and I knew it was time for me to stop putting my head in the sand, and get back to at least trying to try.


I took a big step back. I contacted a counselor that day, I scaled back everything social and made myself retreat. I stopped going to events in an attempt to regain some sense of self again.


Then slowly, very slowly I started asking small things from my slave.
Things I had not asked in a long time like having her wear her collar out during errands.
Slowly I started to feel like myself again. I am not saying that I am all the way back, but I will say that I am getting better.


So now when someone says a Master must have Mastery over themselves I understand it a  little better.


Maybe it isn't about having Mastery over every emotion, thought, and action.


Maybe it is more about having enough insight to know who you are and what you want. Enough determination to make that insight into something tangible, and enough mindfulness to see how what you do and what you say affects those around you, like a ripple in a pond.


Maybe that is the basis of Mastery of the self. The basis of this journey of Mastery.


Although I lost my way for a while  as I am sure that many of us do. I am coming back, a little smarter, a  little more humble, and yes, luckily very much loved as well as forgiven.