My Mistress- the House

The other day my slave and I were preparing for our upcoming move when my slave said “this is like getting out of a bad relationship.” I laughed and thought how true, our current house has become like a very abusive mistress in more ways than one.  As we are preparing to move and start a new phase in our lives just how much this house was a bad relationship has started to sink in.

Ahh!!!!    In the beginning my Mistress “the house” and I talked so many dreams together. We planned our future talking of putting flowers in her front yard, me going back to school, and who knows maybe even a baby or two. The picture she painted was one of early retirement and relaxation. Lazy days filled with love, sex, play, horses, parties, family and friends. I would get her the deck that she always wanted, and she would support me going back to school for my Masters degree, she would get new flooring and I would be able to teach horses for next to nothing, she would get a paint job and I would write my book.

The birds sang every time we were together, the squirrels appeared and the wild bunnies applauded our new found love.  Oh how the sun shined up my ass, and it felt good up there.

It wasn’t long before her jealousies began to make themselves known. I remember our first spat, I was filling up the new waterbed and the water ran out.  I thought, this is just a glitch, a misunderstanding, we can work this out, but it was not to be. She felt that I wasn’t paying her enough attention that I was looking at other houses on the side, so she made more demands, as the kitchen sink exploded, and the dish washer stopped working.    She wanted more, so to make her happy I worked two jobs and over time to outfit her with new siding and a roof. 

The more I gave the more she wanted, and although it seemed like she was being legitimate and sincere in her demands, even regretful at how much I was working, the demands still came. Any time that she felt that my attention or focus was not on her she would explode and run out of water, the septic ran over, the stove, washer and dryer all went out at the same time. 

It was when she needed more money then what I could possibly make no matter how many hours I put in-- that I thought - maybe she would see what she was asking and want less, or need less, or support me more. But no- her desires were not to be denied and over time became impossible to satiate.  The bills mounted into three piles: payable, not payable and about to be shut off.

Finally I realized that I had given her my all, my time, my health, my blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice. At that point I came to realize that my house the Mistress was never going to be happy, she was never going to be fulfilled. My Mistress the house was going to take and take  until there was nothing left- and then she would only blame me for her unhappiness and unpainted walls. She would blame me for fulfilled promises and the lack of raised flower beds. All the while my own dreams had long been put aside under the strain of her need for attention time, money and more money.

When I started knowing it was time to move on I had my fears. What if my next house didn’t love me like she loved me? What if I am just overreacting and am really going from bad to worse? What if I am a failure and no matter what house I am with I will always fail?

What if the real problem was me?

When the new house came, she came with soft words and promises, and I was scared. My old Mistress had made promises to. But the new house, she has said that I can do this on my own time, and my own way. The new house has already proven her ability fulfill promises, and to provide support, and although I am afraid and cautious and not ready to emotionally commit all of the way. The new house is not pressuring me to. She has guided me gently, letting me cry, and be angry, she has been kind and forgiving, and she knows that it will take time for me to trust again, but she is ready and willing to do the work for me to get there.  Her well is producing strong and clean water; we contracted for how much she would need with no chance of her suddenly needing more and more. So everything that she has said she has backed up with reality.

So we move forward after these four years of a bad relationship. With much help from friends and loved ones and people coming out of the woodwork to make sure that we can move on. So many people are making this happen with us, wanting to see us in a better relationship, having sat patiently all this time waiting for me to be ready to move forward. 

I am a little more broken but repairable, a little more wary, and I have my work cut out for me. Work to do on myself, my finances, and my life. At this time though- I am also full of hope. Hope that the life that I had wanted for me and my slave is still attainable, still within my reach. I suppose that is all that one can  ask for after four years of failure and  increasing demands that took my dreams and turned them into sleepless nights,  to many jobs, and to little sanity. 

I still have the hope that it gets better. That I can with work and time and love -make it better. My old Mistress the house does not get to take that away, and I am not letting her. 

Thank you so much K&C, Vi Johnson, SM, BB and all of those that have made this possible. Without all that you have done we would be lost and without hope.