My Mistress- the House

The other day my slave and I were preparing for our upcoming move when my slave said “this is like getting out of a bad relationship.” I laughed and thought how true, our current house has become like a very abusive mistress in more ways than one.  As we are preparing to move and start a new phase in our lives just how much this house was a bad relationship has started to sink in.

Ahh!!!!    In the beginning my Mistress “the house” and I talked so many dreams together. We planned our future talking of putting flowers in her front yard, me going back to school, and who knows maybe even a baby or two. The picture she painted was one of early retirement and relaxation. Lazy days filled with love, sex, play, horses, parties, family and friends. I would get her the deck that she always wanted, and she would support me going back to school for my Masters degree, she would get new flooring and I would be able to teach horses for next to nothing, she would get a paint job and I would write my book.

The birds sang every time we were together, the squirrels appeared and the wild bunnies applauded our new found love.  Oh how the sun shined up my ass, and it felt good up there.

It wasn’t long before her jealousies began to make themselves known. I remember our first spat, I was filling up the new waterbed and the water ran out.  I thought, this is just a glitch, a misunderstanding, we can work this out, but it was not to be. She felt that I wasn’t paying her enough attention that I was looking at other houses on the side, so she made more demands, as the kitchen sink exploded, and the dish washer stopped working.    She wanted more, so to make her happy I worked two jobs and over time to outfit her with new siding and a roof. 

The more I gave the more she wanted, and although it seemed like she was being legitimate and sincere in her demands, even regretful at how much I was working, the demands still came. Any time that she felt that my attention or focus was not on her she would explode and run out of water, the septic ran over, the stove, washer and dryer all went out at the same time. 

It was when she needed more money then what I could possibly make no matter how many hours I put in-- that I thought - maybe she would see what she was asking and want less, or need less, or support me more. But no- her desires were not to be denied and over time became impossible to satiate.  The bills mounted into three piles: payable, not payable and about to be shut off.

Finally I realized that I had given her my all, my time, my health, my blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice. At that point I came to realize that my house the Mistress was never going to be happy, she was never going to be fulfilled. My Mistress the house was going to take and take  until there was nothing left- and then she would only blame me for her unhappiness and unpainted walls. She would blame me for fulfilled promises and the lack of raised flower beds. All the while my own dreams had long been put aside under the strain of her need for attention time, money and more money.

When I started knowing it was time to move on I had my fears. What if my next house didn’t love me like she loved me? What if I am just overreacting and am really going from bad to worse? What if I am a failure and no matter what house I am with I will always fail?

What if the real problem was me?

When the new house came, she came with soft words and promises, and I was scared. My old Mistress had made promises to. But the new house, she has said that I can do this on my own time, and my own way. The new house has already proven her ability fulfill promises, and to provide support, and although I am afraid and cautious and not ready to emotionally commit all of the way. The new house is not pressuring me to. She has guided me gently, letting me cry, and be angry, she has been kind and forgiving, and she knows that it will take time for me to trust again, but she is ready and willing to do the work for me to get there.  Her well is producing strong and clean water; we contracted for how much she would need with no chance of her suddenly needing more and more. So everything that she has said she has backed up with reality.

So we move forward after these four years of a bad relationship. With much help from friends and loved ones and people coming out of the woodwork to make sure that we can move on. So many people are making this happen with us, wanting to see us in a better relationship, having sat patiently all this time waiting for me to be ready to move forward. 

I am a little more broken but repairable, a little more wary, and I have my work cut out for me. Work to do on myself, my finances, and my life. At this time though- I am also full of hope. Hope that the life that I had wanted for me and my slave is still attainable, still within my reach. I suppose that is all that one can  ask for after four years of failure and  increasing demands that took my dreams and turned them into sleepless nights,  to many jobs, and to little sanity. 

I still have the hope that it gets better. That I can with work and time and love -make it better. My old Mistress the house does not get to take that away, and I am not letting her. 

Thank you so much K&C, Vi Johnson, SM, BB and all of those that have made this possible. Without all that you have done we would be lost and without hope.

AEL Kinkskills Makes paddles!!!!!!

On June 23^rd T of Tease  taught the “make and customize your own paddle” workshop for AEL Kinkskills. The host house was wonderful, thank you so much G, and the group was so much fun!  We went way overtime but everyone was patient and laughing, and T was an amazing and attentive teacher as always. I had the best time! At first I was sitting on the sidelines, I didn’t know if I had it in me to join, but k convinced me, and I am so glad that she did! I had the best time talking and feeling up my table partner, and thinking about what I was going to imprint on my paddle- also known as my paddle manifesto!

It was so great, and it was a wonderful way to say good bye to this project that I have put blood, sweat, and tears into since its inception in 2009. 

This was the last AEL Kinkskills that I will be organizing. It was a huge success, and gave me everything that I had hoped for. The paddle that I made was in memorial to the event, and hangs proudly on my rack.

I am going through a lot of transition now and ending my part of AEL Kinkskills is a big part of that. It is hard leaving this project but I am very happy about the Master and slave group that will be starting in August. We are also moving soon and so far our housing prospects are so much better than I ever thought possible, and lastly I have put out an application to an online BSN program. The college has accepted me as a student, but I haven’t heard from the nursing program yet, however, this is the beginning of me fulfilling a dream that again, I never thought possible.  

Right now there is a lot of movement followed with a ton of support and love coming at us. So many people are coming forward to offer their help and words, and have given us so much hope that even though things are scary right now I feel enveloped in a cocoon of community.  Funny, huh, that in this time of such uncertainty the overriding thing that I feel is surrounded by love.

So with  all of this change I got to thinking about  the things that I have experienced from AEL  Kinkskills that have stayed with me over the years. There are so many skills that I now have thanks to this program. Before AEL  Kinkskills I couldn’t pierce, cut, do basic bondage,  or needle bondage,  I had never made my own  toy, and I didn’t understand the intricacies of violet wand, tantra, impact, or caning.

Over time I have seen others who have attended these classes take those skills that they learned and improve on them. The first time  that I saw someone do  needles after the class it made my heart sing, and I felt like I had really done something that made a difference.

The first time I saw a woman experience her inner dominance as she stood by a towering male partner because of something that I taught her- the ah-ha moment  on her face will always be with me.

The first time that I saw CBT and had it explained to me still makes me wince, but smile.

The first time I mummified my slave after a class, and the first time I ever saw saline injections!

I loved watching people come in smiling and laughing, my slave sitting at that front table welcoming all, and the talking and friendships that developed after the class.

I loved showcasing our local  experts and am  so  grateful for all that gave their time to teach, to  host, to  volunteer, and to  make this project the beauty and joy that it was.  For me it was a labor of love, and something that I am very proud to have been lucky enough to   have co-founded and facilitated.

Thank you everyone who was right along there with me learning and laughing. 

Thank you for making the last four years everything that I had always wanted it to be.

Very Sincerely,

 Master Bear

The depth of her service

Of all of the things that my slave does in my life there is one thing that stands above all others in her ability to be selfless and serve. It is not in how she tends to the house, the shopping, the meals, it is not her expansive and cunning sexual repertoire, or her endless patience in driving everywhere.   It is how she hears me. Her patient, logical, and kind ability to listen and hear me out, even when I start the dialogue with “I know that this isn’t logical…”

To me that is the ultimate in service and  her patience and listening  has comet o mean  more to me then  a  clean  house, a hot  meal, or even  an afternoon  romp.

Lately, I have been going through a lot of transition, it is the good kind, but painful, and absolutely taking its emotional toll on me.  When  I came home the other day after a very rough couple of conversations that gave me a lot to think about, Pokey our blind Appaloosa, had wandered off the property.   I was very grateful that the neighbors had stopped and caught him, but Rainey had run herself into a state of exhaustion out of worry and all of this while it is still early in her healing process from her life threatening leg injury. Luckily she wasn’t limping or sweating too much, so I don’t think that he was out long. Nevertheless, it is one of those incidents' that keep me up at night. Of course, the next day was set aside to repair our horse fence with Fort Knox-like sturdiness . I swear Pokey is like one of those velociraptors in Jurassic Park, always testing the fence line…

So back to transition. I am going through a lot of transition, and during these times I have found that the love and softness of my slave to be very comforting.    Her patience and understanding, her always finding ways to gently remind me about the difference in  what is right and when I make hasty decisions  that are  motivated by hurt and anger, what is my responsibility, and when it is not my job to carry the baggage of others.  She reminds' me of how much  I deserve and all that I offer to my friends', loved ones, and the community around me.   She reminds me of what I can and cannot control.  Her ability to provide all of these these things has  made all of the difference to me as I go through a world of emotional changes.   In these things I hold my slave in the highest esteem.  It isn’t that she tells me what is pretty, or what I want to hear,  it is that she tells me what I need to hear, even if it burn s a little. 

It is through service that she leads. 

I know that everything will work itself out.  Life has a tendency to do that.  I also know that in another year or so I will be looking back at this time thinking “that was rough, but I made it, and I have that under my belt as another accomplishment in life.” 

Of all of the things that are painful, difficult, challenging, and hurtful right now, it is her love that I will remember the most, her patience as she takes me onto her lap and scratches my back and tells me all of those things that help me to fall asleep.

That is service, it is love, and it is the most selfless act that is driven by hope, faith, service, and 11 years of a life together.

So through  all of the transitions I feel her walking with me, sitting on my shoulder, reminding me that I can  be better, I can  be more,  and being with her--   makes me want to be.

Leather and Poly

Out of all of the aspects that I have assumed control over my slave the one that I don’t, through my choice, is the polyamorous aspect of our  relationship.  My slaves dating interests don’t have to go through me, nor do I tell her no when it comes to who she chooses. We do however both have a few strict rules that we follow in choosing our dating partners. No drugs, no alcoholics, must be employed.  The other “unspoken” rules that speak to whether or not the relationship continues are must be excellent in bed, must be independent, must be able to speak intelligently. 

Overall, however, I don’t interfere in her dating, and I don’t monitor her correspondence. I know that a lot of Masters do and that they have rules where the other person has to go through the Master to initiate dating with their slave. 

I do however have complete say over who plays with her.   My slave is never loaned out. I may from time to time invite someone to play with her when I am playing with her. But that is very rare. Personally I don’t understand the loaning out thing. I don’t get off on it, I find it rather distasteful.  I don’t mean playing with other people - that kind of loaning out I get. I mean loaning the slave out for sex. I don’t get that at all. I think that it is kind of gross, really. 

 When my slave is looking at dating she says that she isn’t interested in dating someone who is leather, she isn’t interested in her other lovers having any type of D/s element. Interesting huh? she says that being a slave is exhausting!!! LOL!!!   she can’t imagine being that tired with her other lovers!

Honestly speaking, the other reason that I don’t interfere with her dating is because I was   monogamous for many years. Although she was poly and she would date, we were mostly poly in theory and monogamous in practice. I didn’t take any control over her  polyamorous choices because I didn’t feel that I could do it responsibly. I didn’t feel that I would pick her other partners fairly and because of my own insecurities I would simply say no to everyone. So since I couldn’t be fair and responsible, I didn’t take control over that part of her life. Then when she found another partner that she was serious about really dating and wanted to start a sexual relationship with that person, it rocked me to my core. We went through it for about 5 months as we struggled to find where polyamory legitimately had a place in our lives. It was so deeply difficult at that time.

But we did come out on the other side, much stronger, much happier, very much in love. I however, still don’t take any control over that part of her life. Even though now I feel that I would be much more responsible, I still feel that those choices need to be hers. We do discuss things like sex, and negotiate time and make sure that we are both comfortable.  But those negations are done outside of the boundaries of our Master and slave relationship, just in case she would feel a need to withhold how she feels or what she wants for the sake of her service.   

Also conversely, when I date another partner I negotiate time and sex with my slave. I don’t just tell her who I am seeing and when we are going to do things. We do talk about it and I am very careful to take in her feelings.

I have heard of Masters who bring in other slaves, or submissive's or who tell their slave that they have to have a relationship sexually with someone else, and are surprised when the slave has FEELINGS about that.

I think that relationships, especially multiple ones, are delicate things. And I think that as much as Masters have control over our slaves, how a slave feels is their own. I want my slave to have full emotionally rich relationships, and only she knows who those people can be who would really fulfill her. 

After all  a  happy slave makes for a happy house.

M + s = WTF?

Being in a Master and slave relationship is equated to this:  
 Master says + slave does =end of conversation.

It can be put like this 
M + s = e

If you’re really lucky those things happen to infinity. Like this:
 (M + s = e) infinity

But relationships, like math, always tend to have that X factor, the variable.
So instead of our pretty little equation, it comes out all fucked up like this:

 X + s = WTF?    Here the Master is the X factor.
 
For example:  I say "slave grab me that elephant."  And my slave hears correctly "slave grab me that elephant" but  in  reality we don’t own an elephant. So I am upset that I have to  go without my  imaginary elephant and she is left confused as to what I really wanted.


This is when the Master becomes the X factor, which can mean a lot of things. It can mean that the Master doesn't know how to ask for something, doesn't have the confidence to ask for something, doesn’t know what they want, or thought that they asked clearly - when in actuality they just left their slave dazed and confused. It could also mean that the Masters needs have changed and the Master didn't realize it, or that the Master simply doesn’t want to communicate and expects the slave to just "pick it up." 

In any case what that X factor boils down to is that the  Master can't, won't or is unable to communicate,  ending up in the the "what the fuck"  answer to the equation.

Then there is the next variable:

M + x = WTF?   Here the slave is the x factor. 

For example I say "slave get me some tea" and she hears "squirrel!" And I don't get my tea. 

What this means is that the Master has spoken clearly but the slave was unwilling or unable to listen, or has their own agenda, or has no intention of doing what the Master says anyway. Maybe the slave is looking to unseat or unbalance the Master, or maybe the slave is really in a space where they can’t listen.

In any case the end product of the "what the fuck" answer  is the end to the equation.

Then there is the rogue:

M + s = WTF?   Here the outcome is the X factor. 


For example I say "slave get my shower ready" and she hears "slave get my shower ready". And she goes to turn on the shower and we are out of water.

That is the rare case where everybody thought that they were on the same page, but the end product was all fucked up for no reason.

I think that what I am trying to say here is that there is beauty in certainty, but relationships are the ultimate X factor; they very rarely go as planned, and although we can set about with the right equation, that doesn’t guarantee that we all come up with the same answer.  

I think myself clever today.......