The hardest Battle.

I have been able to start working with the horses again, not just because of time, but because the cross ties are up and the gates are up and working. So I can take them easily in and out of pasture and I have a place to tie them.

It has been  about two  years since I have been  able to  consistently work  with  them ,so I expected some behavior changes, and some back tracking of knowing how to work  with  each other.  Honestly, I didn’t really know what to expect. 

Rainey, the ex racehorse, has started pulling back. Not just pulling back but throwing back and hitting the end of the tie chain to the point where she has rope burns and open areas on her face. She does it with much force that even if I don’t see it I can hear the powerful thud as her 1900 pounds of sheer power and muscle hits the end of the length of her tie chain. This is relatively new behavior for her. I haven’t found anything that triggers it. She isn’t trying to hurt me- that would be something that I would be able to see right away. It appears as though she is really afraid. I can see her muscles shake and the pulse in her neck pound.  I don’t know why. 

I don’t know why she is so afraid. 

I am working with her; we had a little breakthrough earlier this week.

But she is hurting herself, and if she pulls the right way, with the right amount of force she could cause herself permanent neurological damage. The hardest part here is that -there is nothing that I can do besides what I am doing. Giving gentle support, giving her space to  be scared,  creating a routine, talking to her softly, gently, and staying out if her way so  I don’t get hurt. 

But this is her battle.  This is her fear.  I can support her, but I can’t go through it for her.

That is the hardest battle isn’t it?

The one that isn’t yours.

The ones that the people that you love have to go through themselves, so that they can own the other side of it.

It is a true place of disempowerment to have to sit back and watch as someone you love makes their mistakes, their choices that could lead to possible long lasting harm.

To know that if you close your eyes you will still hear the slam of the chains as they hit that end.

I am not afraid of her,  or for my safety, I am  careful, I watch, I am  structured in  my handling of her.

I am afraid that this is somehow may fault, that if I did things right that she wouldn’t be going through this, that I am to blame. 

I know intellectually that this is her battle, this is her learning curve.  It is tough love, but she has to learn that she has to stay where she is tied, for her safety, for mine, for the other horses or people around her. It is a vital basic lesson that if not learned could have very bad consequences. She could hurt someone, or herself.

It is the tough love that we have to use with each other. The tough love that keeps each other honest, that holds each other accountable. Sometimes it means watching as those that you love hit that point, and get hurt. Sometimes they are able to dust themselves off and go it again tomorrow, and sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes they change what they are doing, sometimes they don’t.

Sometimes they see you and blame you for the hurt that they are causing to themselves. And they walk away from you because they need to walk away from their own hurt. Sometimes they see you and feel too embarrassed to stay, and walk way instead of smile and limp over for a hug. Sometimes they never change, they just keep doing it over and over and you need to walk away because you can’t watch it any more.

This is tough love.  I believe they call it tough love not because it is toughest on them but because it is toughest on the watcher, and the one who loves them and wants them to succeed. But knows that the chain will never change, they have to.

(Epilogue here, after much thinking, and searching, and stumbling onto a “you tube” with an old cowboy named David Lee Archer, I have a way to work with her that will not cause her harm, and could get her through this.  I will be able to start next week, and I am so hopeful for her-   and me.)