TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse History
My name is Keli, I am a Master Identified lesbian, and I
have a mental illness.
I have had for years. I am medicated, I am compliant in my medication,
but some days I fight and I win, and some days I fight and it wins.
I say this now because this week I was told that what I am
feeling is all in my head. This comment, said by someone who is aware of my mental
illness has cut me to my core. Taken the breath clear out of me, and reminded me that I am a deeply damaged person.
When I was a kid I
used to cover my head when I was beaten-
arch my back to take the brunt of the
blows, and afterwards I remember I would rock
myself.
I have done that all week- covered my head, arched my back,
and rocked.
It is the only way that I can find peace and comfort from
these words that have taken their toll on me.
I am lucky though. By chance this week
I had finished my school semester
early and taken a week off of work to
celebrate - all before it happened- so at
least I could concentrate on my healing
and not have to worry about those
things.
I know that this in time will pass- that in time I will be
far away from this.
But for now I cover my head, arch my back and rock.
Allow yourself to feel what you need to go through with this but do not allow it to take over! If sitting and rocking is what you need right now that is okay, because you will get through this and it will be far behind you , stuffed away in that file that holds captive things which come back to haunt you from time to time. It is really sad how people can be at times, reckless and harsh , even when it is because they don't know your history, or really meaning well. They do not realize that "its all in your head" can unearth things that are buried in there and do damage . For me at times, the "It's all in your head " is almost like someone waltzing in to my comfort zone and declaring that they are somehow better than me, almost belittling a battle that I have fought over the years.....at times I can be mean minded and reply with "Well done, GCSE biology! The brain is INDEED in my head.".... and mentally punching them , pushing the thoughts away with the punch, I figure its better than allowing them to push me into a battle with self. People who do not suffer from mental illness can never understand the true impact it has on your life and day to day movements , sometimes minute by minute thoughts and movements . Just remember that everything that has happened to you is behind you , give it back to the ones that did these horrible things to you , it is not yours to carry, you are a survivor, and a damn good one at that! There are some of us that have been so deeply damaged that it seems at times the damage will never let you live normally, well "normal" is a cycle on a washing machine.....we all have to do what we have to do to hold our heads up and remember that we are survivors! So if you need to arch your back and rock ....Go for it , because at some point it will stop and you will get up and it will be another thing that is behind you, another crisis survived! You are a beautiful, strong, person and you represent so many things to so many people in such positive ways , not only are you a survivor but you are a survivor that has helped many others to survive and accept their selves. I hope you can find strength in all of this when you file it away for the next time it tries to rear its ugly head and mess with my beautiful friend Kelli! Much love and respect you sexy beast!
ReplyDeleteDearest Tops, Thank you for this. Thank you for all of the words and thoughts and amazing insight. When I read this "is almost like someone waltzing in to my comfort zone and declaring that they are somehow better than me, almost belittling a battle that I have fought over the years..." it took my breath away.
ReplyDeleteI am ]very deeply grateful for your words- I will carry them with me .
Luv to you- Beautiful Butterfly
♥♥♥
ReplyDelete