Drop their brains and follow their crotches.

I  had the wonderful opportunity to teach at Self Serve this month. It was a blast. Every class is different. This one was “Finding your Inner Dominant”.  People tend to come to the class for all sorts of different reasons, this time it was a class of intellectuals. They were all really intense in their own way.  It is always a challenge to get the energy of the room right where I want it. I consider a successful class one where people are leaving horny and smiling so big that they are blushing. I love it when I can get a class to do that. 

This was not one of those times. 

I felt that in some way I struggled to get my real points across and that I failed to really drive home the essence of Dominance. Intellectual groups can be like that. I am asking them to drop their brains and follow their crotches. So sometimes with people who live in their brains that is difficult territory. I tried to get them there, but at the end of the class I knew that I had missed the boat. 

Some of the things that I really stress in the “finding your inner dominant” class are finding that space inside of you that is strong, forceful, and commanding. Then growing from there. Sometimes people find it right away. If there are couples in the class then it usually found more easily because they have slipped into those roles unknowingly in their everyday lives. I ask people to find their stance of power. I ask them to think about a character or person that makes them as an individual go:  “WOW. That person just exudes power” and to draw off of that. Then I talk about how to follow through on dominance.

 Find the beginning, the middle, and the end of what you are asking for. Use body language and mental pictures to create a more dominant “feel”. Then I run them through their paces. I pair them up and one takes the dominant role as the other takes the submissive role. I then ask the “Dominant” to ask the “submissive” to do something, and finally I asked them about how what they did FELT.

I ask them- did what you experience go to your crotch? If not what would you do differently? There are people, and I can usually peg them right away, that won’t feel anything throughout the power exchange exercises. It doesn’t matter if they are either topping or bottoming. Not feeling anything isn’t bad, it just an “is”, and sometimes emotions come up later when they feel safer; sometimes emotions don’t come at all.

So what made this class challenging was that there were no already established couples together in the room to help set the mood and raise the sexual energy. 

I encourage couples to come to the “inner dominant” class, but I don’t exclude singles.  I haven’t been single in a long time but I know that it can be difficult out there as a single person. I don’t want to exclude them from a class if they are looking to experience new things just because of their relationship status. But honestly couples are easier. 

So why did I feel like I failure? I feel that way because of some of the questions that I got after the class.  There still wasn’t an understanding that dominance is in the realm of the person. That gender and /or gender expression have nothing to do with how dominant a person is.  And that “your type of dominant” is just that “your type” it can be stern and unyielding, it can be gentle, and it can be fun and warm. 

Because the class is “FINDING your inner dominant" I go to things that are common in dominants across the board. Now after that how someone chooses to develop it for themselves is their call.  But getting people to access their dominance is what the class is. I really emphasize that you take it from there. However, that seemed to be lost in transition as people struggled with the idea that dominants take all forms. The big thing that seemed that the class was stuck  on  was “I am such  a nice person, do  I have to  be stern to be dominant” I tried to  explain  that “no you don’t.” They came back to me with “then why is that what we concentrated on here?”

So OK those are good questions. But they let me know that I had dropped the ball somewhere. 

So here it is. 

Dominants do not have to be stern and unyielding. BUT there are some things to keep in mind.

1)      Dominants that are giving in their role may be using the “Nice Dominant” title to remain deferential to their partner.  

2)      Nice Dominants can sometimes come across as unclear and indecisive. It becomes a question of “what is an order” and “what is a suggestion?” So “dinner?” Or “dinner.” 

3)      Dominants that are new and are just learning about who they are and what they want can sometimes have trouble with pushing themselves to identify and ask for what they want. They allow the title of “Nice dominant” to somehow slide them through when really they are service Tops.

4)       Making solid decisive decisions is something that comes through time and repetition. Putting aside what you want to be a “Nice Dominant” when in reality you are just uncomfortable making decisions isn’t fair to you or to your partners. If you identify as a dominant, then that means taking responsibility for what you want, as much as enforcing it. 

So the answer is “No” as a dominant you don’t have to be stern, and removed. But if you are seeking to  identify as a dominant and you are to  uncomfortable  to  ask  for what you really want- how do  you expect your partner to  react to  that? And really, to a point, that leaves you at a standstill.

It is a complex question that really needed more time then what we had.  

Some people struggle with  taking the lead,  it makes them  feel  insecure especially in the beginning So  my concentration on stance, attitude and mental  picturing  is designed to  give them  a taste of what they are looking to feel.

Overall people seemed happy, excited and I had a few side conversations that I don’t really think that I helped much on. So I am awaiting my reviews and looking at the class with a critical eye.  

Did I do the best that I could? 

Was I open, honest, fair, and supportive?

Did I identify when what they needed was beyond my ability, and act accordingly?

I think so. So I am trying to keep a balanced eye in what I teach class and learn from what I have done.  

I can always be better.