So this last Wednesday I had surgery. It went on a little
longer then intended, but ended beautifully. I have one more Dr’s appointment
left to go to. It is for a follow up on this coming Monday. I can finally see a light
at the end of the tunnel.
Before I begin I would like to say that I am blown
away and overwhelmed by all of the continuous support that we have received
from this community. This includes everything from the online fundraiser,
the AEL fundraiser , individual donations and so much more.
The day of surgery Lady and
her pet came over and fed the horses. D and V sat with eve throughout the entire surgery so
that she was not alone. The day after surgery IBS and A brought over food for
us. There was so much food that I couldn’t help but exclaim “HOLY COW!! Costco exploded in our kitchen!”
The amount of texting, phone calls, and online support has
been endless and still coming. Thank you to everyone who has spoken to us, and
sent words and well wishes. I am getting lists together because we want to send
out individual thank you letters to all who worked their asses off for us. Thank
you so much. What each and every one of you has done mattered a great deal, and
will always be in my heart.
Everything in my life has changed.
The job that I was working at the time of all of this illness become so instrumental
in me getting my confidence back in my nursing. I went to work every day that I physically could (except
when the Dr kept me home for pain and fatigue.)
I went in early and worked through
lunch. I proved to myself that I could be a good, dedicated and through nurse.
The kind of nurse I have always striven to be but that I lost after sometime when
I was working in the hospital.
My life is filled with love, family as well as awesome, powerful, meaningful play AND awesome, experimental and fulfilling sex!!
The kind
that leaves you spent and giddy.
AND GET THIS!! I
actually read three books in the last 2 weeks. THREE WHOLE BOOKS! That not only
did I read but I became inspired to try new things because of. (Not true when
it comes to the book about the woman who had a psychotic break though- I will skip
that experience.)
I went out to see the
horses in pasture. I couldn’t do much, but DAMN! I could feel them and hear
them.
Considering everything in life is going so amazingly, why do I feel
like I am having some sort of a mid life crisis? Like I am all of the sudden confused?
Well- when I started nursing I was 18 years old as a CNA. I worked
all over the United States. Ten years after that I became an LPN, and 4 years
after that I got my RN. Now I have a BSN, and am looking into programs where I
can get my MSN.
Ten years ago when I started working in the hospital it was like
some fore gone conclusion that no matter what happened I would work there the
rest of my days until I was dead. And then they would simply cover me with a sheet and wheel my charge
nurse corpse stuck in my roller chair from the nurses’ station down to the
morgue.
In many ways I had convinced myself that this is what I had to
do.
And now that I have left the hospital I feel like the world is my oyster. My big confusing
oyster.
Right now I feel I am in this sea of choices. It is
almost like I am “now” what I was “supposed to be” at 19. What college do I go
to? What job do I pick? What book do I sink myself into next? How can I get
that round pen up and running so that I can soundly communicate again with my
horses? How do I make sure that I
am making solid decisions so
that I can support my slave as well as actively and comfortably
retire in 24 years?
So as much I am confused there are things that I DO know: :
I love reading books; I haven’t done it in years. I haven’t had
the mental fortitude. And I am finally in a place where I love reading, learning
and getting other peoples perspectives. I have missed that so much! I
really love talking to my slave about what I am learning and getting her opinion
and insight. My slave is brilliant and I love how her mind works.
I LOVE my horses, and as soon as I am cleared by the Dr my wheelbarrow (whose name is Shlomo) and I are
making that pasture my BITCH! (It is really in need of a cleaning!) Next on the
list is getting the horses feet done and their yearly vet visit. Both of which are very overdue. But I feel
that with the new job that I start this week I will be able to concentrate on
home when I am home.
I am not able to take in a lot of information about college
right now. But I am putting out inquires and getting vetting responses. So that
makes me happy. They want me, I never saw that coming. I take in a little information at a time. I know
that after my last Dr appoint on Monday passes I will have more mental wherewithal
to read and make a good decision. The goal is to start in January of 2016.
When it came to my illness my slave and I had a long
conversation about our fears. It was my first ride in an ambulance in my adult life,
first ER trip in my adult life that led to a hospital stay and my first surgery
ever. Then leaving the hospital and having so much daily pain and fatigue that
when I showered I would pant, break out into a sweat, and have to sit down
right afterwards. The consistency of having to return to the ER or the hospital
for more tests was a necessary yet draining evil.
My slave struggled with fearing that my illness was somehow her
fault, as well as feeling enormously helpless through the process. I struggled
because at the moment – had I died on the table- I would have left my slave penniless. Being in between leaving a job and starting a
new one meant I had no life insurance. Making sure that she is cared for in the
event that something happens to me has always been a huge Masters priority that
I take deeply seriously, but my hands were tied. I had to just take a deep
breath, close my eyes and give it up to the Spirits.
The job that I start on Monday sounds like where I need to be in my life right now. However I am still going to a few more interviews with other companies. I want to be able to take care of my slave in a safe and responsible way, and that means keeping my options open. But it also means that I need to be responsible to myself. Which is hard because I am not 100% sure of what I really need.
My book is out in the world; it is being reviewed by all
manner of people, and will be available at Self Serve this weekend. I have
received amazing feedback. So I am chomping at the bit to get my next book into
the world!
So maybe midlife crisis isn't exactly the term I should use.
Maybe that isn't what this is at all.
OMG- what if this is puberty?
No comments:
Post a Comment