Trigger warning

Lately on Fetlife I have noticed a very disturbing trend. Maybe I am subconsciously seeking it; maybe it is a roll of the dice that I am seeing these things. I don’t know. Recently there have been a lot of women posting about sexual   violence. 

One of the posts has really bothered me. It was titled “you were raped because” and the threads that followed where, in my mind, disturbing at best. A bit ago I read “survivors aren’t lucky.” I commented on both threads. But they disturbed me and I felt a need to talk about it here. 

 So let’s get a few things straight. If you look at my forehead – really look at it - you will see a scar that crosses the length of my forehead. When my head is shaved you will see two other scars. One running on my hairline and the other down the back of my head just about the size of my palm. I don’t undress in public because of the bite mark scars on my breasts.  

 I was raped when I was 8 years old. 

I was raped not because of anything that I did or didn’t do. I was raped because the predator that had followed me and watched the house was excited by young brunette girls. There was nothing that I could or could not have done to stop this attack from happening. 

I feel very lucky.

Afterwards I was in a coma for a while and then I had to relearn some things. Like how to speak, walk, and do math. I have been dyslexic in math from there on out. Sometimes it still comes back and I have to watch for signs of it. The swelling in my brain took years to subside, and I don’t have memories that others do of their childhood. (This is a good thing, considering.) 

To this day when confronted with a violent situation I can black out.  

So do I feel lucky? Hell  yes. Do I feel that I had any control of the situation? Hell no.

I watch a lot of the show Criminal Minds. It has helped me over the years understand my attacker in a way that has brought me peace and comfort. Leaning about predators, how predators act, how they are victim specific, and how a predator chooses a victim has helped me accept that this had nothing to do with me.

And then I see these posts on Fetlife and I think- what are these women thinking? Are they thinking that this is empowering?  Are they thinking that this is healthy? OR are they not thinking? 

I think that they are thinking “this is a deep thought”. When really it is nothing more then victim blaming and terminology shaming. If, as a survivor, I say that I was lucky. Then I get to claim that to my heart, and I believe that in all of its truth. 

The cosmic dice are picky little fellows. They roll any way that they please. 

So I am lucky to be alive. 

There was nothing that I could have done about my attacker’s profile.  

And my scars are beautiful.

That being said- I struggle sometimes to talk about it.

When I was about 19 years old I was working with my friends to build a course for the upcoming horse driving competition. It had been a long day, and we were wrapping up when one of my dear friends at the time asked me about my scars. I paused, and then I lied to him- told him I was in a car accident. I remember thinking right after I lied- I wish that I could take those words back. And I made a vow to never again lie about my scars. 

What I will do is moderate my words depending on the situation. If I feel  threatened, or like who  I am  talking to  is really fragile then I will  assess the situation and say  I was assaulted.  If they ask more questions I will answer honestly.  If I get uncomfortable of triggered I will simply say I need to change the subject.  But I won’t lie about them ever again.

So before you think that what you are going to write or say is really advanced: please stop for a minute. Wait a day or two and then write it.   

Maybe what you are saying isn’t really that brilliant, but instead it is a way of making you feel more powerful at the EXPENSE of another survivors understanding of themselves, their situation, or the reason that they are alive. 

I don’t know why am alive today.  Honestly, I should be dead.

I was lucky.  And I am NOT to blame. 

What could have never been

When my slave first started dancing about 15 years ago she had this experience. At the time she had only been dancing about 3 or 4 months when she attending this SCA event. 

There was a huge fire pit accompanied by drumming and so she danced. For the first time in her life she felt truly free, truly beautiful. At the time she danced for herself, for the fire. 

It was trans-formative for her. 

When she returned to dance class she was so excited about her emotional and physical experience that she excitedly told her teacher. 

Her teacher listened intensely and then said flatly “never dance in public again.” Then walked away. 

Had my slave listened to that teacher, had she let that woman take what was so meaningful for her and kill it, then this would have never been:

Don’t let anyone else’s bias about what they think you should or should not do EVER come between you and hope. 

You and Love. 

You and your dreams.

You  are MORE than  the sum of another's expectations.

I see you as a submissive because

So I hope that this doesn’t come off harsh but:

I see you as a submissive because you come to me asking to learn about how to be a Dominant, yet I can’t hear you talk. Still after 2 hours don’t know your name or your gender, when I asked you to direct someone, your eyes wander, your hands twitch at your sides constantly slapping your thighs, and your shoulders slump; you search around eagerly for the easiest thing for them to do. 

You choose it not because you want that thing, but because it is easy for the person that you are working with to achieve.  As they approach you with your chosen item you reach for it to lift it from them. Your eyes wont met mine, and you shift in your stance, murmuring your words. 

When asked to be in service your hands stop moving, your shoulders straighten, and you look me right in the eye.  You walk with confidence in what you are asked to do. Stand quietly when not being asked to do something and overall exude a happier more connected self. Your feet are spread shoulder length apart.  It is the first time I see relaxation and joy in you since we began.

You say that you are withdrawn and submissive around people but with crowds that you know you are gregarious and “Dominant”. I ask “do you get these crowd things to drink, make sure that they are comfortable?” You answer ‘yes’ because you think it is the right answer. I explain  that you aren’t being “Dominant”  you  are being in  service.,  You  get defensive. You say “No” .I says “OK’”

You say “So you are saying I am a submissive” and I say “NO I am saying that right now in this moment, submission is where you appear more comfortable.” You get angry. This isn’t what you wanted to hear. 

I ask you to re assume your Dominant position. Again you drop  your eyes, your voice,  your shoulders,  and I know that as soon  as I ask  you a question, I won’t be able  hear the answer. 

And I think “I WILL NOT make judgment on HOW you want to identify. But I can’t make you into something that you are not. This is such a waste of a good submissive.” 

So I smile and we continue. 

VIDEOS to get your appetite wet for this SATURDAY the 12th!!!!

This SATURDAY  the 12th  is the Pornotopia fundraiser.  I am so excited! My slave is performing and I am so deeply proud of her! We will be donating a copy of “Ms for the rest of us” and a gift basket of my slaves goodies. Please come out to support such a wonderful event.

Pornotopia Film Festival and Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center are proud to present to you:
LET'S GET NAUGHTY
Get yourself down to Effex Night Club on Saturday, September 12th, 2015, lest you miss the opportunity to be titillated, tantalized, aroused, and enamored by this year's lineup of performers.
Fire-eating, aerialists, burlesque, rope demonstrations, door prizes, silent auction, and MORE!
EFFEX NIGHT CLUB SEPTEMBER 12, 2015 Doors: 6pm Show: 7pm

Tickets are $10 and can be purchased at the door or ahead of time at: http://selfservetoys.com/pornotopia/shop/other-activities/9122015-ticket-lets-get-naughty/
Purchase of ticket includes free admission to Effex at the conclusion of the show.

Just too wet your appetite take a look!!!!

Of course I always cry like a girl  when I watch this: 

OK  now i am just bragging-  bit this is by far one of my all time favorites!

The fallacy of knowing what you want.

So  lately I have had this discussion  a couple of times with   few different  people and it is something that I think  that needs to  be discussed. When new people come onto BDSM and into poly I often hear the more experienced people tell them “know what you want first”. I thought about this for a long time, and what I thought was- how can you know what you want if you have never done something before? How can you know what you want if you have no idea about what the scope of possibilities are and what those experiences will do to or for you? 

When I first started in BDSM I had an idea of what I wanted. But if I came into this “knowing what I want” it would have closed me off to so many new experiences. It would have created the expectation  in MYSELF that if I didn’t already know what I wanted or how I was going to  react  then I was a failure. How could I possibly know what I want if I have no idea about how things were going to feel until I DO THEM?

BDSM and poly are those things in life that you won’t know, can’t possibly know, until they are experienced. More than that, sometimes it takes a few times of experiencing that type of play, or poly before a person can really take in how they feel and what that means to them. Sometimes it takes time. What was not fulfilling the first time sinks in and later it becomes something different. Sometimes BDSM and poly can be so overwhelming that the first time out the emotions are way too much to deal with. All of those emotions bundle into a fear and take some time to sort out. 

That kind of thing is normal. 

It doesn’t mean that the person isn’t into BDSM or isn't into poly. It just means that giving them time and listening to their concerns as they hash things out in their own brain is something that we, as more experienced, people can give them. This means not labeling or putting into a box what they are feeling. Letting them come to the conclusions through questions without judgment helps them to find those feelings and come to terms with them. 

Sometimes what we feel takes time. And we don’t always have answer right away. So considering those things are true how, then can we tell someone “Know what you want” before they “know how it feels?”

As older more experienced people we are doing those that are coming up a disservice by asking them to already know what they cannot.  We owe them better.  We owe them the time, the space, and the emotional room to really find themselves. Otherwise we are setting them up to fail.

OK I can already hear it- the rise of voices saying “NO, BUT BUT BUT” and so on. So older more experienced people let me ask you: when you were twenty did you know what your 30 year old self wanted? When you entered into that hot romance that died three years later did you know what you wanted and needed from that person? The first time that you played did you know what you wanted out of play? How has what you have learned about yourself over the last few years changed you?

We all grow and change through our experiences. And leaving open the door to say the most powerful words in the universe is our greatest gifts to ourselves and to those that look to us for guidance. 

They are: “I don’t know.” 

Giving you the freedom to not only say “I don’t know” but to tell others “I have never done this before, I really don’t know how I am going to feel.” Giving this is gift not only real, but it is a relief.

There are things that still  happen in  my life where I didn’t  know what I wanted, how I was going to  feel,  or what it was going to  mean  to  me.  When I graduated this year, when my book was finally released and in my hands as a living thing, when I took this new job. I am still wrapping my head around all of these things. I am finally saying I have a bachelor’s degree. I am kind of saying I am an author, but I hesitate. I don’t want to sound full of myself. As far as the job, I love it right now, but I don’t know what I want from this job. Not yet, and I might not know for another 6 months or so. 

So if I can’t “know what I want” how can I ask this from others? I will ask “what do you want?”  To start the ball rolling and the person thinking. That is fair. But I don’t expect them to know what they want, not right away.  And if anyone tries to give me that “if you are a REAL Master then you know what you want” bullshit I am going to gag. 

To clarify as a Master yes you have to know what you want- but if you are a new Master or a Master facing a new challenge then those things are not always possible. So take the “REAL Master thing” and shove it up your ass.

To further clarify admitting “I don’t know” can also be a scapegoat into not challenging the self for insight. So don’t let that happen. Make sure to follow up “I don’t know” with a further explanation, the more that you talk the closer that you get to the underside of not knowing and the illumination of insight.