The fallacy of knowing what you want.

So  lately I have had this discussion  a couple of times with   few different  people and it is something that I think  that needs to  be discussed. When new people come onto BDSM and into poly I often hear the more experienced people tell them “know what you want first”. I thought about this for a long time, and what I thought was- how can you know what you want if you have never done something before? How can you know what you want if you have no idea about what the scope of possibilities are and what those experiences will do to or for you? 

When I first started in BDSM I had an idea of what I wanted. But if I came into this “knowing what I want” it would have closed me off to so many new experiences. It would have created the expectation  in MYSELF that if I didn’t already know what I wanted or how I was going to  react  then I was a failure. How could I possibly know what I want if I have no idea about how things were going to feel until I DO THEM?

BDSM and poly are those things in life that you won’t know, can’t possibly know, until they are experienced. More than that, sometimes it takes a few times of experiencing that type of play, or poly before a person can really take in how they feel and what that means to them. Sometimes it takes time. What was not fulfilling the first time sinks in and later it becomes something different. Sometimes BDSM and poly can be so overwhelming that the first time out the emotions are way too much to deal with. All of those emotions bundle into a fear and take some time to sort out. 

That kind of thing is normal. 

It doesn’t mean that the person isn’t into BDSM or isn't into poly. It just means that giving them time and listening to their concerns as they hash things out in their own brain is something that we, as more experienced, people can give them. This means not labeling or putting into a box what they are feeling. Letting them come to the conclusions through questions without judgment helps them to find those feelings and come to terms with them. 

Sometimes what we feel takes time. And we don’t always have answer right away. So considering those things are true how, then can we tell someone “Know what you want” before they “know how it feels?”

As older more experienced people we are doing those that are coming up a disservice by asking them to already know what they cannot.  We owe them better.  We owe them the time, the space, and the emotional room to really find themselves. Otherwise we are setting them up to fail.

OK I can already hear it- the rise of voices saying “NO, BUT BUT BUT” and so on. So older more experienced people let me ask you: when you were twenty did you know what your 30 year old self wanted? When you entered into that hot romance that died three years later did you know what you wanted and needed from that person? The first time that you played did you know what you wanted out of play? How has what you have learned about yourself over the last few years changed you?

We all grow and change through our experiences. And leaving open the door to say the most powerful words in the universe is our greatest gifts to ourselves and to those that look to us for guidance. 

They are: “I don’t know.” 

Giving you the freedom to not only say “I don’t know” but to tell others “I have never done this before, I really don’t know how I am going to feel.” Giving this is gift not only real, but it is a relief.

There are things that still  happen in  my life where I didn’t  know what I wanted, how I was going to  feel,  or what it was going to  mean  to  me.  When I graduated this year, when my book was finally released and in my hands as a living thing, when I took this new job. I am still wrapping my head around all of these things. I am finally saying I have a bachelor’s degree. I am kind of saying I am an author, but I hesitate. I don’t want to sound full of myself. As far as the job, I love it right now, but I don’t know what I want from this job. Not yet, and I might not know for another 6 months or so. 

So if I can’t “know what I want” how can I ask this from others? I will ask “what do you want?”  To start the ball rolling and the person thinking. That is fair. But I don’t expect them to know what they want, not right away.  And if anyone tries to give me that “if you are a REAL Master then you know what you want” bullshit I am going to gag. 

To clarify as a Master yes you have to know what you want- but if you are a new Master or a Master facing a new challenge then those things are not always possible. So take the “REAL Master thing” and shove it up your ass.

To further clarify admitting “I don’t know” can also be a scapegoat into not challenging the self for insight. So don’t let that happen. Make sure to follow up “I don’t know” with a further explanation, the more that you talk the closer that you get to the underside of not knowing and the illumination of insight.