2012- love and loss, and love again.

As I look at 2012 I see the depth of the darkness that I have never seen, and even though that is true, I can only say that 2012 was a year of love.

When I knew it was time for my beloved Bo to go to the crossroads, a pair of loved and cherished friends made his passing kind, and comfortable. He passed at his home and I was able to tell stories of his life and bury him under the big tree in the front.

When I was losing my grip on reality and I was yelling, screaming, and shrieking,  I was loved, heard, and supported by someone who should have washed their hands of me and left.

When I was lying in bed for days paralyzed by fear my slave saw through her own loneliness, pain, and terror. She loved me so gently, so completely that I am still grateful for what most have been  some very long days for her.

When I finally admitted that the darkness was too great and I was losing my battle. My leather brother loved and talked to me and made me feel safe and became my lifeline. He did not judge me, only let me know that he was there any time day or night.

When I stopped eating and stopped talking my slave put herself on the back burner and through her reading me stories and scratching my back and talking so softly she gave me her light.  

When I could no longer see myself as a Master, because  I had failed myself, my slave, and my community, it was  my leather brother who brought out his best Jewish accent and with love put my words back to me, so I could see them more clearly.

When I was irrational,  insane, abusive, controlling, and manipulative  I was loved and helped and listened to through my fear, until months later I could grab onto my own  sanity again.

This last year was the darkest of my adult life. If it were not for the efforts of my slave and my chosen family who gave so much of themselves so consistently, so lovingly, so freely I don’t know how I would have recovered.

2012 was a year that brought me to my knees more than once.  Although I will never wish to repeat that time, I can say that I was so deeply loved during that time, and that has given me strength.

Here is to 2013.  Hopefully this year I can give back the love that was given to  me.

R.I.P.  My Beloved Bo 1995-2012

AEL Kinkskills celebrates 2012

I love spending time reviewing what AEL Kinkskills has achieved over the past year, consider it ego stroking through mental masturbation.  But I have a deep love for this project and everyone that makes it possible from the host homes to the teachers to the attendees!  Thank you all of giving AEL Kinkskills another successful year! 

In January we kicked off with canes and caning by G. The teacher went all out; he made canes for everyone and even auctioned off a free flogger to one lucky winner!  He ran through several caning techniques, and then did one on ones with people after they had a chance to practice. We even had one person who came without a partner but caned the heck out of herself!!! Our host house Mrs. B was amazing, every time that she hosts she lays out food in the spirit of the event- so while everyone was busy caning themselves and others, I was happily snaking on canes of food!

In March Lady golden and Slave lou saved my butt because I screwed up on the date of the workshop and was without a host house! At the last minute they came in and gave us a place to land. WhipDaddy did a great workshop on breast bondage that covered everything from large to small women as well as men. I got to sit back and watch as people took what WhipDaddy taught and made it their own!  Fascinating! 

In May we had Roughouse teach an impact play class. Personally I love impact, and was really getting into the class when I offered for my slave to give it a go on me. At first she was hesitant, and then I said “3 am sex” (I love waking her up at 3 am for sex) and she walloped me so hard I went flying!  I followed that up by saying “socks on the floor”, and she was on a roll. She has quite a punch, and so for a while she would just walk up and punch me on the back!  I would be sitting at the computer, or working on a project and she would walk up and WHAM!  This has served to get me horny and put me under all at the same time!

In July Mrs. B taught needle bondage. I don’t get to do needles often, and I loved the opportunity to “bond “people together and  bond parts of people to themselves. I am very surprised what happens when you bind breasts together while they are in a bra, and then release the bra!! At that point it is the needled corset that is keeping the breasts in place!!! SWEET!!!!!

In September we had the amazing Travis of Tease with make your own flogger. He was as always wonderfully prepared and amazingly good at teaching.  At the end of the class people went their own ways and made handles that were very unique. After the class was over everyone walked away with a beautiful flogger that was really a part of them!

Unfortunately due to my own date conflicts and an unexpected illness, we were not able to complete our year with wax as planned, but I really look forward to what next year holds!

 Thank you so very much to G, Stan, Roughouse, Mrs. B, and Travis for your amazing teaching!

 And thank you so very much to Mrs. B, lady Golden, slave lou, and Thorn for providing some amazing host houses for the year!

I am so grateful to all of you!!!!

Playing with Liquid Nitrogen!!!!

When I first read the announcement that the New Mexico Fetlifer’s board was having a workshop on “how to use liquid nitrogen in play” I thought “are these people crazy? Isn’t liquid nitrogen - you know—dangerous?  And expensive???”   But it didn’t take long for my curiosity to take over, and when the day came I was so excited!

The workshop was given by Dr Clockwork; as a teacher I was very impressed. Not only was he knowledgeable, but he made even difficult concepts like “science” easy for me to understand.  In the beginning of the workshop Dr Clockwork explained about the liquid nitrogen. So I will do my best to rehash what I understood. However, this is by no means a tutorial!!!!  So please contact Dr Clockwork at his website for classes, questions, and supplies. 

You can find him here:  http://www.drclockwork.com

So what makes people able to play with liquid nitrogen is that it evaporates as soon as it hits the air.  So as long as the liquid is moving it is quickly evaporating at the same time. The liquid is surrounded by a cloud of its own gas. This means that the liquid itself never hits the skin the evaporated gas does. As a good friend explained later- it is like air hokey. The puck is the liquid and it floats in the air surrounded by a cloud of its own gas.  (Insert giggle here…)

If the liquid stops moving- like you hold it in your hands- it stops evaporating and the liquid will burn your hands, like frostbite. If the liquid gets trapped in a body fold, a piece of clothing, jewelry, even body hair  then it will stop moving causing it to  stop evaporating and  then burn the skin.  So it was important that the demo bottom be completely naked, including jewelry.

I was advised against freezing an object and inserting it anywhere, even though the core body temperature would warm the object, the  initial  cold and insertion  would create a sticking to the  object by the inside of the body.  So no to insert-ables…… I did notice a lot of people backed away from me after I asked that question……

Liquid nitrogen is stored in a big thermos called a “Doer”. The top is not screwed on, but rather a foam plug that can pop off if the internal pressure becomes too much. Otherwise the doer would essentially become a bomb. That also means that if the thermos falls over there is nothing to stop the liquid nitrogen from pouring out, so should it spill in an enclosed space the gas would become lethal within seconds.

The only expensive part of the play is the initial expense of the doer.  Looking them up online you can get some for around 300-500$, but they last forever. Dr Clockwork explained that around ten liters of liquid nitrogen cost him about 15$, and that is more than enough for an entire weekend of play.

When Dr Clockwork poured liquid nitrogen all over the demo bottom it hit her body and immediately balled up into little beads. When it fell off the demo bottom and hit the floor it made a hissing noise and became a cloud of gas. The demo bottom explained that it felt really cold, and she was flopping all over the table because the beads were headed towards her ---well- peeper.  So she was constantly whacking at herself to get the beads off of her peeper parts….

At one point Dr Clockwork poured the liquid nitrogen down my arm...  It felt just like water.  Honestly I think that I was too scared to feel the cold part, but it was really exciting!

 Then Dr Clockwork took a marshmallow and froze it, and people were able to eat them! It was when he stuck a rose in the glass of liquid nitrogen freezing it sold that he was able to beat the bottom with it, when the rose shattered on the bottoms butt, it filled the room with the smell of roses. 

It was really awesome to watch a rose shatter! I volunteered for it to be done to me, and was really surprised when he hit my arm with the rose and it broke into pieces. 

After a while I came up and took a rose and stuck it into the cup, I watched as it boiled and bubbled in the liquid nitrogen  and when I pulled it out the rose was cold, stiff, and frozen. I broke it on the demo bottom’s butt, and then brought up my slave. I put another rose into the glass and pulled it out and ran the gas up and down my slaves arm, and then I broke the rose on her! It was AWESOME!

Lastly I had the opportunity to hold the liquid nitrogen in my hands. Dr Clockwork explained that anything over about 3 seconds would burn, so he was going to pour it in my hands then I was to count to three and do “Jazz hands” dropping the liquid. 

It was AWESOME! I was a TOTAL BAD ASS, and when I held the liquid I could finally feel the cold.

I was so thrilled about the workshop- that was a once in a lifetime time opportunity for me.  Thank you to NMFL and Dr Clockwork for such an amazing Sunday afternoon!!!!

BDSM and Spirituality

OK I am just going to say it.

I do not understand people who say that BDSM is spiritual for them. I honestly  just don't get it. As I think about it, that is probably because I view spirituality in  pretty narrow terms.  

For me spirituality is about a personal internal connection with  a higher power. For me BDSM is about a personal internal connection to another person, or persons. So I have trouble understanding how someone can view BDSM  activities as part of their  spiritual path.

I understand  that suffering and self infliction of pain have been used by people for centuries of all religions and spiritual beliefs. These acts help the person deal with  emotional pain, guilt, show devotion, act to purify, or show empathy to their ancestors or spiritual and religious icons.   
I get that using pain to create an intense psychological and emotional space for some is a gateway for transcendence.

I view what those people do to be an  intentional personal self inflicted activity used specifically for the intensifying of  their spiritual connection.

It is hard for me to take that thought process and understand how a person can equate those things with modern day BDSM. 

I am not saying that play cannot create transcendence, clarity, and connection, it can  and does. What I am saying is that when I play I am looking for that experience with who I am playing with, and my spirituality is separate from that.  ( Even though it is common for my slave to scream for god....) 

Playing (no matter whether I am topping or bottoming) does not make me more spiritually in touch, neither does tantra, nor does my commitment and execution of my Mastery. Those things  do however, being me closer to my slave. 

So I am going to chop this up to yet another thing in  life that I do not understand. Like those people on Doomsday Preppers,  or people that marry their dogs.

Transparency

I had the best time at the last AEL munch!  It featured Lady golden and slave lou talking about M/s relationships.  There was a lot that I took away from that night, and am still thinking about!

At one point they covered the importance of being transparent, in other words being open, honest and frank about your needs and expectations.  

So about a week or so ago I started to write a piece on transparency, and I found that I was really stuck. I just couldn’t put it together in my head. Every time I tried to write about how the concept applies in my life I came up empty. 

At that point  I  decided to ask my slave  what she thought,  because I was searching for some insight into why I was struggling with this concept so much. So I took a deep breath and asked her “Am I transparent?”

she paused and said:     “No.  But that is not a bad thing.  But you are adorable!! Does that substitute?”  she smiled as I took this in and said  “Well, your rage is transparent.  Your anger, annoyance and frustration those are pretty transparent.”    

After a little more thought she added:   “You are transparent to me, but we have been together for ten years. So certain things that you do and certain things that you say are transparent to me.”

I was concerned about what that might mean to her, so I said “But I am not deceptive to you.”

she answered    “No you are not, there is a difference.  I think transparency is a goal to attain, but I think if you hit a wall, because being transparent means you are a level of vulnerability that you are uncomfortable with or are triggered, it is not something that you can attain. It might not be something that you can ever attain, and that is ok.”

I asked for her to explain some more and she continued: 

“I think that there are different types of transparency, there is situational transparency then there is 24/7 transparency and there is relationship based transparency. When it comes to us you are, for the most part, 24/7 transparent, but that is because I make an effort to get to know you.  I make an effort to look for signs of where you are, even when you are not aware of them. It is kind of like an emotional version of anticipatory service.  When you tell me you are ok but you do this mouth twitch thing, I know that you are not.  There are a lot of signs in your body language that I look for, and to me after being with you for ten years, that makes you transparent. That makes you glaringly obvious.  To me you are transparent because I recognize what your mouth is doing, your voice is doing, and you are not able to hide those things.”

I knew exactly what she was talking about, when asked I will always say that things are ok, even if they aren’t, or I am not. It is an automatic reaction that I hold on to, almost like if I say that everything is ok then they will be.  But the reaction isn’t always honest.

she continues:   “I think when we are talking about relationship transparency I think that means that you are transparent as you can be in front of a select group of people and only when you feel safe.  You are as transparent as you can ever be in front of Whipdaddy, but he also recognizes when you are not ok. Most of us can’t be transparent all of the time including in the majority of our relationships, but not being transparent doesn’t mean being deceptive. Sometimes a lack of transparency is necessary for financial, emotional and social survival. The important thing is learning to recognize when being transparent is going to be safe. To recognize when your transparency is going to be honored and respected.”

I know that when I am facing being transparent I often look at the other person and over read them. If they look away from me, seem not interested or bored, don’t ask me questions about what I am saying (that is the biggie) or automatically change the conversation to themselves, I will stop and go back to being guarded.  At that point I will change the conversation and put it back on them, relieving me from being transparent.  If I don’t feel heard and supported, then I will emotionally block and it will take a long time before I will try with that person again.

So I asked her:  “Don’t you think that transparency is important in intimate relationships, like between me and you?”

And she said:   “Yes, but the work doesn’t end with being transparent, once you are transparent the question becomes are you going to allow the other person to address the needs that are made obvious by that transparency.  None of that matters if the partner that is being transparent will not let the other partner move forward with what they are seeing.  So you are transparent but you aren’t letting the partner use that transparency,   and that can be just as ineffective as not being transparent at all, because the end result is still the same.  

So when I recognize that you are moving into a space when you are going to need attention that will ensure your physical or emotional safety and you are not able to let me, you are transparent. But if I am not able to move forward on that transparency to comfort you or do the necessary steps to create a safe space, then the end result for me is still the same. I view your vulnerability as meaning you are going to need to be safe and for me that means I need to do certain things for you to be safe. But there are times where you won’t let me do those things.  At that point transparency doesn’t matter.“

I could see where she was coming from, for me it is a push to be that open, so to be that open and need her help is many times a lot more then I can handle. Luckily my slave is patient and attentive, so when I say “no I don’t need help”, she will usually wait and see if I change my mind or if I can handle her helping me a little later.

she continues:  “Transparency also does not mean that the person being transparent does not have to do the work.  They still have to do their own emotional work, and sometimes there is a disconnect in the relationship because one person feels that by being transparent that they don’t have to pick up their own emotional self.  They feel that if they are transparent it is someone else’s job to make them feel better. When in reality being transparent means you are still responsible for your own emotions. In both of these situations when the person wants someone else to do the work, or wants someone to do nothing, the hard part is that there has to be communication about that. 

When there is transparency in a relationship both parties have a job and that needs to be communicated. The one being transparent and the one recognizing that transparency, if you don’t want help say it, or if you want help learn the boundaries of the help that you want.  Perhaps a person is offering too much help, or their help is taking away from your feeling of empowerment.   That is how I made my peace with you not needing help when you are transparent, there is a recognition that the help that I was offering was going to take away from the empowerment that you needed when you are vulnerable.  But in that case you didn’t tell me, I had to get there on my own.“

Although I agreed with her here, I do feel that for myself at least, a lot of times I don’t even know what I need. Sometimes just the act of being transparent is so taxing that just getting thorough that is all that I can focus on.  But what this conversation did do was open my eyes a little more about the type of emotional work that my slave does around and for me. 

Honestly speaking I love listening to my slave talk, her insight and knowledge are a great challenge to me. And I feel very lucky to be with someone who understands that when I say fine and then do that mouth thing   that fine really doesn’t mean fine…….