Playing with Liquid Nitrogen!!!!

When I first read the announcement that the New Mexico Fetlifer’s board was having a workshop on “how to use liquid nitrogen in play” I thought “are these people crazy? Isn’t liquid nitrogen - you know—dangerous?  And expensive???”   But it didn’t take long for my curiosity to take over, and when the day came I was so excited!

The workshop was given by Dr Clockwork; as a teacher I was very impressed. Not only was he knowledgeable, but he made even difficult concepts like “science” easy for me to understand.  In the beginning of the workshop Dr Clockwork explained about the liquid nitrogen. So I will do my best to rehash what I understood. However, this is by no means a tutorial!!!!  So please contact Dr Clockwork at his website for classes, questions, and supplies. 

You can find him here:  http://www.drclockwork.com

So what makes people able to play with liquid nitrogen is that it evaporates as soon as it hits the air.  So as long as the liquid is moving it is quickly evaporating at the same time. The liquid is surrounded by a cloud of its own gas. This means that the liquid itself never hits the skin the evaporated gas does. As a good friend explained later- it is like air hokey. The puck is the liquid and it floats in the air surrounded by a cloud of its own gas.  (Insert giggle here…)

If the liquid stops moving- like you hold it in your hands- it stops evaporating and the liquid will burn your hands, like frostbite. If the liquid gets trapped in a body fold, a piece of clothing, jewelry, even body hair  then it will stop moving causing it to  stop evaporating and  then burn the skin.  So it was important that the demo bottom be completely naked, including jewelry.

I was advised against freezing an object and inserting it anywhere, even though the core body temperature would warm the object, the  initial  cold and insertion  would create a sticking to the  object by the inside of the body.  So no to insert-ables…… I did notice a lot of people backed away from me after I asked that question……

Liquid nitrogen is stored in a big thermos called a “Doer”. The top is not screwed on, but rather a foam plug that can pop off if the internal pressure becomes too much. Otherwise the doer would essentially become a bomb. That also means that if the thermos falls over there is nothing to stop the liquid nitrogen from pouring out, so should it spill in an enclosed space the gas would become lethal within seconds.

The only expensive part of the play is the initial expense of the doer.  Looking them up online you can get some for around 300-500$, but they last forever. Dr Clockwork explained that around ten liters of liquid nitrogen cost him about 15$, and that is more than enough for an entire weekend of play.

When Dr Clockwork poured liquid nitrogen all over the demo bottom it hit her body and immediately balled up into little beads. When it fell off the demo bottom and hit the floor it made a hissing noise and became a cloud of gas. The demo bottom explained that it felt really cold, and she was flopping all over the table because the beads were headed towards her ---well- peeper.  So she was constantly whacking at herself to get the beads off of her peeper parts….

At one point Dr Clockwork poured the liquid nitrogen down my arm...  It felt just like water.  Honestly I think that I was too scared to feel the cold part, but it was really exciting!

 Then Dr Clockwork took a marshmallow and froze it, and people were able to eat them! It was when he stuck a rose in the glass of liquid nitrogen freezing it sold that he was able to beat the bottom with it, when the rose shattered on the bottoms butt, it filled the room with the smell of roses. 

It was really awesome to watch a rose shatter! I volunteered for it to be done to me, and was really surprised when he hit my arm with the rose and it broke into pieces. 

After a while I came up and took a rose and stuck it into the cup, I watched as it boiled and bubbled in the liquid nitrogen  and when I pulled it out the rose was cold, stiff, and frozen. I broke it on the demo bottom’s butt, and then brought up my slave. I put another rose into the glass and pulled it out and ran the gas up and down my slaves arm, and then I broke the rose on her! It was AWESOME!

Lastly I had the opportunity to hold the liquid nitrogen in my hands. Dr Clockwork explained that anything over about 3 seconds would burn, so he was going to pour it in my hands then I was to count to three and do “Jazz hands” dropping the liquid. 

It was AWESOME! I was a TOTAL BAD ASS, and when I held the liquid I could finally feel the cold.

I was so thrilled about the workshop- that was a once in a lifetime time opportunity for me.  Thank you to NMFL and Dr Clockwork for such an amazing Sunday afternoon!!!!

BDSM and Spirituality

OK I am just going to say it.

I do not understand people who say that BDSM is spiritual for them. I honestly  just don't get it. As I think about it, that is probably because I view spirituality in  pretty narrow terms.  

For me spirituality is about a personal internal connection with  a higher power. For me BDSM is about a personal internal connection to another person, or persons. So I have trouble understanding how someone can view BDSM  activities as part of their  spiritual path.

I understand  that suffering and self infliction of pain have been used by people for centuries of all religions and spiritual beliefs. These acts help the person deal with  emotional pain, guilt, show devotion, act to purify, or show empathy to their ancestors or spiritual and religious icons.   
I get that using pain to create an intense psychological and emotional space for some is a gateway for transcendence.

I view what those people do to be an  intentional personal self inflicted activity used specifically for the intensifying of  their spiritual connection.

It is hard for me to take that thought process and understand how a person can equate those things with modern day BDSM. 

I am not saying that play cannot create transcendence, clarity, and connection, it can  and does. What I am saying is that when I play I am looking for that experience with who I am playing with, and my spirituality is separate from that.  ( Even though it is common for my slave to scream for god....) 

Playing (no matter whether I am topping or bottoming) does not make me more spiritually in touch, neither does tantra, nor does my commitment and execution of my Mastery. Those things  do however, being me closer to my slave. 

So I am going to chop this up to yet another thing in  life that I do not understand. Like those people on Doomsday Preppers,  or people that marry their dogs.

Transparency

I had the best time at the last AEL munch!  It featured Lady golden and slave lou talking about M/s relationships.  There was a lot that I took away from that night, and am still thinking about!

At one point they covered the importance of being transparent, in other words being open, honest and frank about your needs and expectations.  

So about a week or so ago I started to write a piece on transparency, and I found that I was really stuck. I just couldn’t put it together in my head. Every time I tried to write about how the concept applies in my life I came up empty. 

At that point  I  decided to ask my slave  what she thought,  because I was searching for some insight into why I was struggling with this concept so much. So I took a deep breath and asked her “Am I transparent?”

she paused and said:     “No.  But that is not a bad thing.  But you are adorable!! Does that substitute?”  she smiled as I took this in and said  “Well, your rage is transparent.  Your anger, annoyance and frustration those are pretty transparent.”    

After a little more thought she added:   “You are transparent to me, but we have been together for ten years. So certain things that you do and certain things that you say are transparent to me.”

I was concerned about what that might mean to her, so I said “But I am not deceptive to you.”

she answered    “No you are not, there is a difference.  I think transparency is a goal to attain, but I think if you hit a wall, because being transparent means you are a level of vulnerability that you are uncomfortable with or are triggered, it is not something that you can attain. It might not be something that you can ever attain, and that is ok.”

I asked for her to explain some more and she continued: 

“I think that there are different types of transparency, there is situational transparency then there is 24/7 transparency and there is relationship based transparency. When it comes to us you are, for the most part, 24/7 transparent, but that is because I make an effort to get to know you.  I make an effort to look for signs of where you are, even when you are not aware of them. It is kind of like an emotional version of anticipatory service.  When you tell me you are ok but you do this mouth twitch thing, I know that you are not.  There are a lot of signs in your body language that I look for, and to me after being with you for ten years, that makes you transparent. That makes you glaringly obvious.  To me you are transparent because I recognize what your mouth is doing, your voice is doing, and you are not able to hide those things.”

I knew exactly what she was talking about, when asked I will always say that things are ok, even if they aren’t, or I am not. It is an automatic reaction that I hold on to, almost like if I say that everything is ok then they will be.  But the reaction isn’t always honest.

she continues:   “I think when we are talking about relationship transparency I think that means that you are transparent as you can be in front of a select group of people and only when you feel safe.  You are as transparent as you can ever be in front of Whipdaddy, but he also recognizes when you are not ok. Most of us can’t be transparent all of the time including in the majority of our relationships, but not being transparent doesn’t mean being deceptive. Sometimes a lack of transparency is necessary for financial, emotional and social survival. The important thing is learning to recognize when being transparent is going to be safe. To recognize when your transparency is going to be honored and respected.”

I know that when I am facing being transparent I often look at the other person and over read them. If they look away from me, seem not interested or bored, don’t ask me questions about what I am saying (that is the biggie) or automatically change the conversation to themselves, I will stop and go back to being guarded.  At that point I will change the conversation and put it back on them, relieving me from being transparent.  If I don’t feel heard and supported, then I will emotionally block and it will take a long time before I will try with that person again.

So I asked her:  “Don’t you think that transparency is important in intimate relationships, like between me and you?”

And she said:   “Yes, but the work doesn’t end with being transparent, once you are transparent the question becomes are you going to allow the other person to address the needs that are made obvious by that transparency.  None of that matters if the partner that is being transparent will not let the other partner move forward with what they are seeing.  So you are transparent but you aren’t letting the partner use that transparency,   and that can be just as ineffective as not being transparent at all, because the end result is still the same.  

So when I recognize that you are moving into a space when you are going to need attention that will ensure your physical or emotional safety and you are not able to let me, you are transparent. But if I am not able to move forward on that transparency to comfort you or do the necessary steps to create a safe space, then the end result for me is still the same. I view your vulnerability as meaning you are going to need to be safe and for me that means I need to do certain things for you to be safe. But there are times where you won’t let me do those things.  At that point transparency doesn’t matter.“

I could see where she was coming from, for me it is a push to be that open, so to be that open and need her help is many times a lot more then I can handle. Luckily my slave is patient and attentive, so when I say “no I don’t need help”, she will usually wait and see if I change my mind or if I can handle her helping me a little later.

she continues:  “Transparency also does not mean that the person being transparent does not have to do the work.  They still have to do their own emotional work, and sometimes there is a disconnect in the relationship because one person feels that by being transparent that they don’t have to pick up their own emotional self.  They feel that if they are transparent it is someone else’s job to make them feel better. When in reality being transparent means you are still responsible for your own emotions. In both of these situations when the person wants someone else to do the work, or wants someone to do nothing, the hard part is that there has to be communication about that. 

When there is transparency in a relationship both parties have a job and that needs to be communicated. The one being transparent and the one recognizing that transparency, if you don’t want help say it, or if you want help learn the boundaries of the help that you want.  Perhaps a person is offering too much help, or their help is taking away from your feeling of empowerment.   That is how I made my peace with you not needing help when you are transparent, there is a recognition that the help that I was offering was going to take away from the empowerment that you needed when you are vulnerable.  But in that case you didn’t tell me, I had to get there on my own.“

Although I agreed with her here, I do feel that for myself at least, a lot of times I don’t even know what I need. Sometimes just the act of being transparent is so taxing that just getting thorough that is all that I can focus on.  But what this conversation did do was open my eyes a little more about the type of emotional work that my slave does around and for me. 

Honestly speaking I love listening to my slave talk, her insight and knowledge are a great challenge to me. And I feel very lucky to be with someone who understands that when I say fine and then do that mouth thing   that fine really doesn’t mean fine…….

Skill or no skill?

Have you ever watched someone play and winced a little? Or a lot? Have you ever watched someone play and thought “maybe someone should tell them that what they are doing is really dangerous?”

I have seen my fair share of dangerous, unskilled, and unstable play, we all have. 

However, as I have been thinking back these beauties came to mind:

-          The “Top” (who went by the title of “master” by the way) took a person who said that they had never played, flogged them heavily with no warm up and no cool down. Then afterwards stood masterly at the other end of the room as the person that they had just wailed on sat in a corner in the fetal position completely glazed over. 

-          The “Top” that showcased their bottoms welts and bruises after the scene. The welts and bruises that were caused by wrapping and were all over the bottoms joints.

-The “Top” that was so busy watching and interacting with the crowd that they never did see where they actually hit the bottom.

I am sure that if I were to ask all of these tops that they would say they were skilled, they would probably say that they were exceptionally skilled.

So how do you know if you  really are skilled?

I am going to say that time in does not guarantee skill. I will also say that skill in a single area doesn’t make someone a skilled player, although it may make them skilled when it comes to that single type of play. I will also say that a big toy bag does not mean a big skill set.

 I suppose if you wanted to be general about the whole thing that you could say that a skilled player is identifiable by a happy bottom. BUT- the bottom that had bruises and welts over their hip joints was very happy…. 

I know that everyone defines what skill is differently.  So here are a few things that I look for when I watch play that I feel gives me an idea about someone’s skill level. Of course, that is assuming I am skilled……..

1)      The top can use both hands.  They aren’t stuck to one side because they can only use one had, they have flexibility and control on both sides of their body.

2)      The top moves around.  They are able to remain in contact and control of the scene while moving forwards, backwards, and to either side. They also use many parts of the bottoms body, from their calves to their shoulders, and from their groin to their chest. The top is able to scene with the bottom in many different positions. They don’t rely on the bottom be in one place for their aim to be dead on.

3)      The top may have a specialty, but they aren’t limited to that. They are able to play in different environments and spaces. IF the tops specialty is piercing, but the play party doesn't allow for blood play, the top is still able to do something else.

4)      If the top chooses to use various toys, they do so carefully and not fanatically jumping from toy to toy. The changing of toys is done because the top wants a different toy, not because the top can only use that toy one way.  They are articulate with what they do use, and know how to take their time before changing sensations.

5)      They can focus on the bottom. It doesn’t matter the crowd size, or attention given to the scene the top can focus and stay focused on the bottom throughout the scene and afterwards.

6)      They can use any toy with many levels of intensity. They are not limited to what the toy was made to do, they are able to see past that and use any toy to warm up, intensify or cool down.

7)      They can stop.  They are so in tune with how the bottom is doing and how they are doing that even a public space with an appreciative audience will not stop the top from ending the scene.

When I watch for these things I feel I can have a sense of how the person plays and where their skill is compared to mine. Now to be honest here I have done my fair share of red out scenes, out of boundary scenes, oh shit scenes, and “SURPRISE” scenes.  Like “surprise!!! “ Anal sex, or “surprise!!!” impact play….…  I have left bruises when I said that I wouldn’t.  I have gotten so far in my own head space that my slave had to red out for me because I wasn’t connected with her.  When I was first doing piecing I had the bottom almost pass out. I have wrapped, miss-hit, not negotiated and miss- read who I was playing with.

Wow- I should stop talking while I am ahead…..

I think that what I am trying to say here is that the concept of skill can be very elusive. What makes one a skilled player with some people can make them a very unskilled player with others.  Someone can be very skilled privately but unable to control a scene publicly. Someone can be excellent at taking down a heavy experienced bottom, but unable to play well with newbie’s. Someone can be very skilled at playing with women, but not know the first thing about playing with men.  Someone can be a master flogger, but give them a cane and they are lost.

And me, well, I am good as long as I can leave bruises……. 

Mainstreaming- good or bad? Neither? Both?

Just recently life slowed down for a cool five seconds and I had the chance to finally listen to the Evo Revo town hall with Sera Miles, Guy Baldwin, and VI Johnson. If you haven’t listened to it, take an hour over your morning cup of coffee and put an ear to it.  Listening to such amazing people such as Guy and VI give me the chills. I love their candid, open, and blatant way of approaching questions.

You can find the interview here on the Leatherati site: 

 http://www.leatherati.com/leatherati/2012/09/evorevo3-town-hall-panel-discussion.html

There was one point were they talked about our culture going mainstream and what  can happen to  our history, and our practices as the BDSM culture is absorbed by  the larger culture. They talked about some people not being able to stand the new influx of people, and going underground. Some will stay and teach others, and how parts of our culture will die with time and change.

I thought about this part of the conversation a lot. 

I have always been conflicted about the mainstreaming of our culture. Honestly speaking, teenagers wearing collars and slave bracelets make my skin crawl. They always did, always will. Fifty Shades of Sexually Frustrated Housewife makes me itch. I haven’t even read it    BUT- I pegged the plot.  Woman- pure, untouched. Man - broken wounded.  He gives up what he loves as a dominant, they marry.  Tell me I’m wrong…….  

I do enjoy the bits on TV that are obviously BDSM- that does make me giggle.

But seriously though-  the mainstreaming of our culture, does mean that there will be a  watering down of some of our practices, just as masses of people  step into the community with  access to more  information that was never available before. More bedroom players, more people who take on roles and titles without really putting in the time and practice and self knowledge that it takes to be that title, all because it is easy to become a Master at a click of a mouse. And Master SOUNDS SO COOL......

 I have to remind myself that as there will be a fair share of serious players that come into the life as well. Those vested in history, knowledge, skill, and self evolution. Just not as many…..

Then I got to thinking, that although mainstreaming will hit our community in a lot of ways, that ultimately the good will out weight the bad.

 If mainstreaming means that BDSM cannot be brought up  in divorce or custody proceedings, cannot be grounds to fire someone,  if it means that Dr’s need to became more educated so that Leather, kink and BDSM can be brought into the  examination room and  have questions and concerns discussed openly, if it means that laws need to be adjusted so that tops won’t be arrested for assault  and  bottoms can’t be arrested for  accessory to,  if it means that  we are able to protect our own community better from predators because we didn’t have to remain so secret, if it means that hotels and restaurants are vying for our events and munches instead of shying away from them ……   then mainstreaming is absolutely worth it.  

Bring it on.