Albuquerque Masters Group

In August I start a new project  a Master and slave group in Albuquerque.  I am really excited about it.  Just to be clear here, I will not be starting a MAsT chapter, although I support MAsT international, I am not interested in currently taking on the responsibility of their requirements to be able to have and maintain a group. I am going a little more independent at this time, not to say that might change, but for right now this is what works for me.

The group will be meeting once a month, with activities alternating month by month. On one month there will be a discussion group, this is for Masters, prospective Masters, ex Masters, and those who are Master curious only, no slaves will be allowed at the discussion groups. At the beginning of the meeting everyone will be handed a card and everyone will write a question that they want answered, it is anonymous, and can be asked to a person or to the group.  We will beat that to death, then pull another question from the hat.  I am currently scoping out meeting places and have three hopefuls at this point which also keep the group meetings free. 

There will be guidelines such  as:  respect others experiences  and ups and downs, listen  without interrupting  (I will need help on that one)  understand that no one has the one way, understand that everyone fails and everyone succeeds, no one Master has all the answers, and not one Master has he ability to  train every slave.

On the opposite months will be potluck get togethers for Masters and slaves, singles and those in M/s relationships of any dynamic, the M/s curious and the M/s seeking as well as Dominants looking to try new protocols or are Master and slave curious when it comes to their requests of their slaves and submissives. 

The get togethers are going to be at host houses and will be set up for Masters and slaves to practice public protocol, try out new ideas, work on strengthening protocol, or learning from others with specialties. The idea is that when Masters and slaves pay for events they don't necessarily want to try a new protocol or use the time at the event focusing on trying something new that may or may not work for them in the long run.   

For example let’s say that a Master and slave want to try the “don’t talk unless the slave has permission to speak protocol” - instead of paying for an event and trying it out this is a chance to try it out to see if it works for  them and be able to focus on that part of the slaves training and the Masters experience without it being at the cost of an event. Or let’s say the Master wants the slave to be naked in service in public, this is the place to try that, or if the Master or Masters wants to put their slave through their public paces while serving multiple people. 

It is also a chance for us to learn from  each other, there are a few Masters that  know a lot about a higher protocol in  service, just kicking it up a notch, so  being able to talk with them and put my slave though a new way of serving excited me a lot! And being able to do to  try these new things “hands on” excites me even more!

  

There will be guidelines here as well:  no drinking, no drugs, no intoxication of any kind. This is not a play party, although  skills will be allowed to be shown  and taught upon request, no  touching what isn’t yours,  no requesting service from slaves that are not yours, inappropriate, impolite, or otherwise questionable behavior will lead to  that person  being asked to leave then  put on  probation  before being allowed back.

My goal is to create a stronger Master and slave community and network in Albuquerque. Free places where we can learn and grow from each other, as well as support  and help each other navigate through our relationships and our identities. There are some things that only other Masters ad slaves understand, some things that only single Masters and slaves know about expectations and relationships that other parts of the community, although  supportive, don’t really get. 

 Over time depending on how the group grows there may end up being an official event, weekend, or play party. But time will tell on those things.

I am really excited and will be posting all over when I have the meeting place and date set.  I do love a new project!!!!!

Although I will not be starting a MAsT chapter, if you are wanting  more information on MAsT International their website can be found here:  http://www.mast.net/

Skill or no skill?

Have you ever watched someone play and winced a little? Or a lot? Have you ever watched someone play and thought “maybe someone should tell them that what they are doing is really dangerous?”

I have seen my fair share of dangerous, unskilled, and unstable play, we all have. 

However, as I have been thinking back these beauties came to mind:

-          The “Top” (who went by the title of “master” by the way) took a person who said that they had never played, flogged them heavily with no warm up and no cool down. Then afterwards stood masterly at the other end of the room as the person that they had just wailed on sat in a corner in the fetal position completely glazed over. 

-          The “Top” that showcased their bottoms welts and bruises after the scene. The welts and bruises that were caused by wrapping and were all over the bottoms joints.

-The “Top” that was so busy watching and interacting with the crowd that they never did see where they actually hit the bottom.

I am sure that if I were to ask all of these tops that they would say they were skilled, they would probably say that they were exceptionally skilled.

So how do you know if you  really are skilled?

I am going to say that time in does not guarantee skill. I will also say that skill in a single area doesn’t make someone a skilled player, although it may make them skilled when it comes to that single type of play. I will also say that a big toy bag does not mean a big skill set.

 I suppose if you wanted to be general about the whole thing that you could say that a skilled player is identifiable by a happy bottom. BUT- the bottom that had bruises and welts over their hip joints was very happy…. 

I know that everyone defines what skill is differently.  So here are a few things that I look for when I watch play that I feel gives me an idea about someone’s skill level. Of course, that is assuming I am skilled……..

1)      The top can use both hands.  They aren’t stuck to one side because they can only use one had, they have flexibility and control on both sides of their body.

2)      The top moves around.  They are able to remain in contact and control of the scene while moving forwards, backwards, and to either side. They also use many parts of the bottoms body, from their calves to their shoulders, and from their groin to their chest. The top is able to scene with the bottom in many different positions. They don’t rely on the bottom be in one place for their aim to be dead on.

3)      The top may have a specialty, but they aren’t limited to that. They are able to play in different environments and spaces. IF the tops specialty is piercing, but the play party doesn't allow for blood play, the top is still able to do something else.

4)      If the top chooses to use various toys, they do so carefully and not fanatically jumping from toy to toy. The changing of toys is done because the top wants a different toy, not because the top can only use that toy one way.  They are articulate with what they do use, and know how to take their time before changing sensations.

5)      They can focus on the bottom. It doesn’t matter the crowd size, or attention given to the scene the top can focus and stay focused on the bottom throughout the scene and afterwards.

6)      They can use any toy with many levels of intensity. They are not limited to what the toy was made to do, they are able to see past that and use any toy to warm up, intensify or cool down.

7)      They can stop.  They are so in tune with how the bottom is doing and how they are doing that even a public space with an appreciative audience will not stop the top from ending the scene.

When I watch for these things I feel I can have a sense of how the person plays and where their skill is compared to mine. Now to be honest here I have done my fair share of red out scenes, out of boundary scenes, oh shit scenes, and “SURPRISE” scenes.  Like “surprise!!! “ Anal sex, or “surprise!!!” impact play….…  I have left bruises when I said that I wouldn’t.  I have gotten so far in my own head space that my slave had to red out for me because I wasn’t connected with her.  When I was first doing piecing I had the bottom almost pass out. I have wrapped, miss-hit, not negotiated and miss- read who I was playing with.

Wow- I should stop talking while I am ahead…..

I think that what I am trying to say here is that the concept of skill can be very elusive. What makes one a skilled player with some people can make them a very unskilled player with others.  Someone can be very skilled privately but unable to control a scene publicly. Someone can be excellent at taking down a heavy experienced bottom, but unable to play well with newbie’s. Someone can be very skilled at playing with women, but not know the first thing about playing with men.  Someone can be a master flogger, but give them a cane and they are lost.

And me, well, I am good as long as I can leave bruises……. 

Giving back

Today I am asking for everyone to recognize your organizers. Take a moment and send a thank you to the organizer of an event that you have attended, and if you want to make them really feel good then let them know what that event meant to you.

We all know that putting on an event, no matter the size, takes a lot of effort.  But when you stop and think about it event organizing   happens way before the event and continues for some time afterward.

Before the event every organizer puts in hours of time talking with other people, making sure that presenters, volunteers, vendors and venue have what they need and want. This can take from days, to weeks, to months. The organizers put in their own money, most times a lot of it. Sometimes they get their money back but a lot of times they know that they wont.  

During the event organizers are still leading the boat.  They are still ruining from one end of the event to the other , setting up for the next thing, addressing concerns, giving everyone acknowledgement, staying one step ahead of everyone else. Sometimes they are also the face of the event, making sure that whatever is happening is going smoothly.  That can mean addressing the crowd or the presenter as well as constantly being the example, not showing that they are stressed, upset or concerned.  Giving that public face of making it seem like it is all going the way that they want it to.

Afterwards there is the clean up, getting people their equipment back and addressing the endless, and I do mean endless, complaints.  Then there is following up with the venue, the presenters, the vendors,  and the volunteers which can literally take months.   

A one day event, even a play party, or munch can easily take two weeks to organize from start to finish.   And if that person is organizing one or two events consistently on a monthly basis, it is very easy for those events to need daily attention. 

It is easy to get tired and to forget from time to time why we organize things.  And when that happens, it is the thank you’s that remind us that what we are doing matters, that it has a place, and that all of that frustration, fear, effort,  and energy that it takes to organize is worth it.

So take a minute today- send a thank you, even if it was something that you attended months back.  It may just be a moment of time for you, but it will mean a lot to those of us out there putting events together.

Masters may not vacuum, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems

Hello all not much better here, but working on ,it spending  a lot of time in bed really.  My slave is doing extra  over  time taking care of me.  Here is something that I wrote I think in 2011.

There is a lot of social pressure to be perfect. Not just having the right look, the right degree, or the right job, but also the right partner, the right dynamic, and the right amount of public recognition. These types of pressures occur no matter what the social group. In lesbian circles, there is generally a tendency towards social and economic class-ism with an emphasis on gender expression appropriate partners. If you as a couple don’t fit in that social group there will be no question in your mind that it is time to move on. If you meet one of the requirements but not the other, then you may be accepted, but not all the way, and probably because someone else in the group wants to fuck you. … Ahhh... Social circles.

BDSM and leather are not free from these concepts of perfection. In some ways we tend to put each other under a weird microscope. I think that some of it is the normal social ideas of “where does someone fit in with who is around them” and “where am I in my leather and BDSM journey and were “should” I be”, and I think that some of it is based in the good old fashioned need to feel better about ourselves.

What this does though, is create a strange veil of secrecy, for Masters in particularly.

To be taken seriously as a Master that has control of their slave, a Master may sometimes feel that they can’t really discuss the things that happen in their household. Being open about difficulties that they are having with obedience, compliance, and the training of the slave may make the Master feel like they would be viewed as incompetent or unskilled or maybe not a Master at all.

I am not saying go and talk to that weird looking lady at the bus about your household problems, or talk to anyone who will listen at the local munch that you just met, what I am saying is that problems are something that are universal, and they don’t well in a vacuum.

When I have learned about the problems that other Masters have had in their relationships I find that I relax a little. It helps me to relate to them better, and I feel that the problems that I have had and will continue to have in my leather journey aren’t just mine.

Some of the things that I have learned about other couples that have really helped me have been:

Three high powered couples whose slaves have threatened to and almost walked.

One couple who the slave would not do the housework, even though it is what the Master required.

One couple where the Master gave the slave over to another Master to train because everything that they tried had failed

And one couple where the slave was cheating on the Master with another Master, then when caught refused to stop seeing that other Master.

Perhaps it is because problems are the great equalizer that makes them difficult to discuss in real time. The Master and slave dynamic in many ways is viewed as very simple and one sided. Master says, slave does, life goes on. But the reality is that all consensual relationships come with problems, even Master and slave ones.

Imagine what we could learn from each other if we could drop the facade and actually look at the realities that come with complex and there dimensional relationships.

Being in a Master and slave relationship makes my life full and powerful, but that does not mean that we don’t argue, that she doesn’t have her own ideas, and that I don’t have my own problems with obedience and training. It doesn’t meant that I am less of a Master or that she is less of a slave, it does mean however, that as real people we deal with real issues that our titles don’t solve.

Just to put it out there if anyone has the magic recipe for making dusting happen and stay happening, I am all ears….

A slave's Heart

I am sick as a dog, coughing, snotting, fever, grumpy, you name it. 

So here is a blog I wrote back in 2010 about a slaves heart.......

I can tag someone with a slave heart a mile away.  

You want to know how?

   They make you feel good, they are genuinely interested in how someone besides themselves is doing, and they don't attempt to bring attention to themselves.  They carefully observe the person that they are talking with and when the timing is right will interject  with a comment or question to keep the other person feeling good and that they are an interesting person to listen to. The energy is flowing outward and they don't ask or require you to pay attention to their self based stories.

   "slaves" that incessantly talk or act out of a need for constant attention are badly trained at best,  and at worst is someone who has confused the label "slave" with the label "me me me".

    It makes me angry when I run into these people who go on and on about how they were trained in high protocol and completely fail to notice that they haven't stopped talking for one second to take a breath much less ask a single question that doesn't relate to themselves.  I have also found that these people who brag incessantly  have shitty posture and oddly enough, have no idea where there "master" might be. 

   What goes through my mind when I run into slaves like this is, "don't give me that old bullshit about how you have trained other "slaves" in a protocol that you obviously shit on by your own actions."

   Or perhaps I am seeing this the wrong way...  

   Perhaps it is the "master" that requires the "slave" to be a vacuous, self promoting, self obsessed, energy draining, and most of all self serving "slave", who obviously gets  by only on their looks (needs a sandwich) and is not required to do any actual thinking about other people.   For them, style means more than substance.

   It is a personal affront to me to meet these people.

   Slaves who know who and what they are are a beauty to behold. Slaves who know how to serve and who serve with silence, patience, and selflessness are truly a beauty to behold.

Things you Would Rather Not Hear

 Things you Would Rather Not Hear Your Master Say:

-Ooops!

-Okay so just lay there, it will just take me a minute to find out how to remove that...

 

-Now where did I put my safety scissors/keys/bolt cutters?

-I feel pretty confident about my new toy, because e I saw this great YouTube video on it!

- (During fisting) That’s not my ring!

-Let me cook dinner tonight!  Do we have crab meat, bologna, and hot sauce?

-I’m pretty sure that the ER can re-attach that, right?

-It’s not that bad, just apply pressure….

Things You Would Rather Not Hear Your slave Say:

-I talked to your ex/mother/therapist and they said…..

-Have another almond cookie; it will make you feel better!

-Really!  Are you sure you want to go there?  I know things about you, I do your laundry.

-I got us tickets to the epic/classic/timeless movie!  Its 3-d/foreign film/dubbed/black and white.

-Ummm, those aren’t raisins...

-No Master you didn’t come off too harshly, you were smooth like Ike Turner.

-Whatever you wish Master, fireplay after you requested bean burritos for dinner.  Whatever you wish Master.

- (To a large group) I love my fierce Master, she is the cutest most adorable little Punkey Wunkey Honey Bunny!  Especially when she……

VACATION!!! And Bondage!

My slave and I went on vacation this week!  A REAL Vacation!  We have never done a vacation that wasn't a forced issue due to something breaking or going wrong.

 This time we were not going to a hotel because we had no water, or no heat, or no cool air.  We were not going to a hotel because we had so much going on in town that staying in a hotel was a necessity for our sanity. AND it was not at the expense of the grocery budget or the gas budget or the electricity bill!

 It was an actual vacation.  We were able to afford the hotel and Food!  It was awesome!!

We lounged and watched some really bad TV.  We ate great food, and played and  had hot  wonderful sex!

We did  some bondage which I absolutely love, it puts her under and dreamy and soft  right away. 

The bondage that I do I call--- ummm---   expressionist-- yea-- that's right-   or interpretive maybe---

I can do  a pretty good body harness, but then I always have her amazing soft luxurious breasts come out in two very different shapes, as well as  going in completely different directions...

And I always come away pretty under myself,  walking around in circles, trying to get my brain together smiling and giddy....

We had he best time snuggling and talking and sleeping and resting and fucking.

So that is what a vacation feels like.    I get it now.   I could do this more often......

New Master, new slave

Over the last few months or so a friend of mine called Cupcake had starting changing their identity from top/switch to Master.  He had been putting himself out there looking for a slave and boy did the chatter get loud. The conversations of what is he doing?  He isn’t responsible enough, he isn’t knowledgeable enough. He has no idea what he is asking. What could he POSSIBLY BE THINKING!?!?!  And so on became a very loud and distinct background noise.

 I would like to say that I had taken some sort of high road, and that I had said “hey wait a minute”. But no, I listened to what others had to say and jumped in with my own two judgmental cents.

I didn’t even  stop to think that what was coming out of my mouth about Cupcake was exactly the same kind of hateful, biased, and destructive  crap that was said about me ten years ago when I first  got with my slave. What I was saying and agreeing with had nothing to do with anything that was real. Instead it was my own biases, my own perception of what I thought he was and could be, and my own territorial peeing over  who I thought had the  “right” to take on my own beloved title of Master.  I didn’t think twice….. and then…

There was an occasion were I had a chance to sit and talk with Cupcake.  We caught up on what had been happening, and where he was now.  I met his new slave, and listened intently as they both   talked about what had been happening since together they had started transitioning into a Master/slave relationship. He talked about having a lot of resistance to his change, from those that knew him, and those that didn’t, and they talked about having a lot of people be outright nasty and challenging to both of their new identities and the new relationship, as well as being very surprised and hurt that people were so opposed to their individual growth as well as their growing into a couple.

I completely understood what they were saying. I had been there as well. I have come to the conclusion that people react so badly to someone changing for a multitude of reasons. Some of it may be that people feel that they no longer have access to you, and some of it may be that people like to think that they know who you are so when you grow and change, that challenges those beliefs.  It may be  that people are comfortable knowing and relating to you one way, and when you change it forces them to change as well. It changes how they view you, how they approach you, what they think about you, and relative to that- what they think about themselves.  People get concerned about whether they will have a place in your life after you change, or will be left behind because of your change. So the fear of losing you sometimes becomes the motive for them resisting your growth.  

Sometimes it is the fear that your growth will leave them behind in an emotional sense, that your growth is a reflection of them not growing. In essence we are all a reflection of each other.  We keep certain friends and not others because of how those people fit into our lives, how they relate to our belief system, and how they influence how we think and feel.  So when someone that is important in our lives changes the sense of loss and fear are automatic.  What does their change mean to and about me? 

So instead of accepting that change people sometimes react negatively. They talk badly about you, or to you. They start rumors; they undermine your decisions subtly, or directly. No matter what their outlet is,   it is all based in the same concept that that person is struggling with you changing, not because of what your change means to you, but because of what your change that means to them.

Then it hit me smack in my head.  Holy Shit.  That person was me.  I was the one saying crap about Cupcakes change. I was the one questioning his ability, not because I knew anything for myself, but because of my own biases. I was saying shit about what I thought he was trying to do. It never occurred to me to stop and say “everyone starts somewhere”, or” I was there and no one believed in me”, or even “hey give Cupcake a chance; he might be moving into something very powerful and ground breaking for him.”

I didn’t do it then.  But I do it now.

I am so sorry Cupcake that I didn’t cut you slack about your change. Although it was never something that I said to your face, I should have been right there cheering you and your slave on. I should have been challenging those that questioned you and reminding them as well as myself that all beginnings need support.

Transitions are never easy for those going through them. When someone is transitioning there will be those that accept the change and support it and there will be those that fight against it. But remember someone else’s reaction to your change is about them, not about you.  And although change is scary, how someone else reacts to your change should never stop you from moving forward.