PERV May 25th

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Tons of SHIT TO DO!!!!!!!

Last month was New Mexico Fetlifers four year anniversary. When read the post I wanted to take a few days before I said anything. I wanted to really think about   what it was that NMFL has brought into my life and write a heartfelt reply.

 

So that got me to thinking about all of the things that I have experienced because of someone else s organizational efforts and how lucky I have been that Albuquerque has such strong groups that consistently produce these events. 

From AEL to NMFL to the individuals that run their private groups I feel very blessed to be in a place that has so many places where a person can find a home. 


A person doesn't always fit everywhere but with so many options there is a wonderful chance that everyone will eventually fit somewhere. 


Some of the things that I would never have gotten to experience in my lifetime had it not been for the amazing behind the scenes people of Albuquerque have been:


Being an RGL title holder. Riding in the Pride parade and facing the supporters and the haters. 


Thanks to AEL I have heard people speak that have lived leather for 50 years, and how our community has grown and changed and challenged each other. Listening to people talk about all kinds of play, and toys, safety, history, and relationships. 



Because of AEL's monthly parties I have been able to scene publicly enough so that I developed the skills to play and stay focused on my slave when there are others watching. As well as to be able to deal with someone that is attempting to take me away from my scene, or my slave away from her head space. Not just deal with them, but do so in a way that doesn't stop the flow of what we are doing.  I also now remember to wipe down the equipment, and have learned how to protect my slave in her post play space.  Those are things that you can only learn by doing, and doing consistently.



Thanks to NMFL I have been able to meet my idols Jay Wiseman and VI Johnson. Not just meet them, but have actual face to face time to talk to them.  Then there was when Guy Baldwin praised my slaves cooking- I will carry that with me for a long time.  I loved playing with liquid nitrogen, hearing Patrick  Mulcahey and his slave talk, and the stories of people that I would never have been able to meet otherwise.  I have also had the chance to learn about the bigotry surrounding pro Dommes that comes directly from our community that still blows my mind. 



Thanks to the Brickhouse Betties I have been able to come to terms with being a person of size.  Listening to and taking part of open and frank discussions that dealt with people’s bigotry, pain, and love has changed my life. It changed how I view myself, my body, and how I have the right to be treated as a person of size. It also opened my ears to the messages that I am being sent- so that way I can hear them fully- and tell them to fuck off.



Thanks to all of those that put their personal efforts into AEL Kinskills I am now a more knowledgeable and skilled player.  The real thrill has been watching other people take what skills that Kinkskills has brought them and actively use them. That gives me great great joy.




There is so much that I wish that I could put down here but it would be a long long blog!!!

 






 

 



 

Giving back

Today I am asking for everyone to recognize your organizers. Take a moment and send a thank you to the organizer of an event that you have attended, and if you want to make them really feel good then let them know what that event meant to you.

We all know that putting on an event, no matter the size, takes a lot of effort.  But when you stop and think about it event organizing   happens way before the event and continues for some time afterward.

Before the event every organizer puts in hours of time talking with other people, making sure that presenters, volunteers, vendors and venue have what they need and want. This can take from days, to weeks, to months. The organizers put in their own money, most times a lot of it. Sometimes they get their money back but a lot of times they know that they wont.  

During the event organizers are still leading the boat.  They are still ruining from one end of the event to the other , setting up for the next thing, addressing concerns, giving everyone acknowledgement, staying one step ahead of everyone else. Sometimes they are also the face of the event, making sure that whatever is happening is going smoothly.  That can mean addressing the crowd or the presenter as well as constantly being the example, not showing that they are stressed, upset or concerned.  Giving that public face of making it seem like it is all going the way that they want it to.

Afterwards there is the clean up, getting people their equipment back and addressing the endless, and I do mean endless, complaints.  Then there is following up with the venue, the presenters, the vendors,  and the volunteers which can literally take months.   

A one day event, even a play party, or munch can easily take two weeks to organize from start to finish.   And if that person is organizing one or two events consistently on a monthly basis, it is very easy for those events to need daily attention. 

It is easy to get tired and to forget from time to time why we organize things.  And when that happens, it is the thank you’s that remind us that what we are doing matters, that it has a place, and that all of that frustration, fear, effort,  and energy that it takes to organize is worth it.

So take a minute today- send a thank you, even if it was something that you attended months back.  It may just be a moment of time for you, but it will mean a lot to those of us out there putting events together.

New Master, new slave

Over the last few months or so a friend of mine called Cupcake had starting changing their identity from top/switch to Master.  He had been putting himself out there looking for a slave and boy did the chatter get loud. The conversations of what is he doing?  He isn’t responsible enough, he isn’t knowledgeable enough. He has no idea what he is asking. What could he POSSIBLY BE THINKING!?!?!  And so on became a very loud and distinct background noise.

 I would like to say that I had taken some sort of high road, and that I had said “hey wait a minute”. But no, I listened to what others had to say and jumped in with my own two judgmental cents.

I didn’t even  stop to think that what was coming out of my mouth about Cupcake was exactly the same kind of hateful, biased, and destructive  crap that was said about me ten years ago when I first  got with my slave. What I was saying and agreeing with had nothing to do with anything that was real. Instead it was my own biases, my own perception of what I thought he was and could be, and my own territorial peeing over  who I thought had the  “right” to take on my own beloved title of Master.  I didn’t think twice….. and then…

There was an occasion were I had a chance to sit and talk with Cupcake.  We caught up on what had been happening, and where he was now.  I met his new slave, and listened intently as they both   talked about what had been happening since together they had started transitioning into a Master/slave relationship. He talked about having a lot of resistance to his change, from those that knew him, and those that didn’t, and they talked about having a lot of people be outright nasty and challenging to both of their new identities and the new relationship, as well as being very surprised and hurt that people were so opposed to their individual growth as well as their growing into a couple.

I completely understood what they were saying. I had been there as well. I have come to the conclusion that people react so badly to someone changing for a multitude of reasons. Some of it may be that people feel that they no longer have access to you, and some of it may be that people like to think that they know who you are so when you grow and change, that challenges those beliefs.  It may be  that people are comfortable knowing and relating to you one way, and when you change it forces them to change as well. It changes how they view you, how they approach you, what they think about you, and relative to that- what they think about themselves.  People get concerned about whether they will have a place in your life after you change, or will be left behind because of your change. So the fear of losing you sometimes becomes the motive for them resisting your growth.  

Sometimes it is the fear that your growth will leave them behind in an emotional sense, that your growth is a reflection of them not growing. In essence we are all a reflection of each other.  We keep certain friends and not others because of how those people fit into our lives, how they relate to our belief system, and how they influence how we think and feel.  So when someone that is important in our lives changes the sense of loss and fear are automatic.  What does their change mean to and about me? 

So instead of accepting that change people sometimes react negatively. They talk badly about you, or to you. They start rumors; they undermine your decisions subtly, or directly. No matter what their outlet is,   it is all based in the same concept that that person is struggling with you changing, not because of what your change means to you, but because of what your change that means to them.

Then it hit me smack in my head.  Holy Shit.  That person was me.  I was the one saying crap about Cupcakes change. I was the one questioning his ability, not because I knew anything for myself, but because of my own biases. I was saying shit about what I thought he was trying to do. It never occurred to me to stop and say “everyone starts somewhere”, or” I was there and no one believed in me”, or even “hey give Cupcake a chance; he might be moving into something very powerful and ground breaking for him.”

I didn’t do it then.  But I do it now.

I am so sorry Cupcake that I didn’t cut you slack about your change. Although it was never something that I said to your face, I should have been right there cheering you and your slave on. I should have been challenging those that questioned you and reminding them as well as myself that all beginnings need support.

Transitions are never easy for those going through them. When someone is transitioning there will be those that accept the change and support it and there will be those that fight against it. But remember someone else’s reaction to your change is about them, not about you.  And although change is scary, how someone else reacts to your change should never stop you from moving forward. 

Master Patrick Mulcahey shares his journey....

I went to the PERV put on by Fetlife and was so honored to be able to hear Patrick Mulcahey (Big P) speak. He is a Master identified gay man in a long term relationship with his slave who is also named Patrick (little p).

 I loved being in the room full of other Master and slave couples. It is such a rarity for me to have that experience, and I really felt that the other couples were as excited to learn as I was!

It is very interesting listening to someone else’s journey. You never really know what sorts of things you will hear, or how they will resonate with you. I enjoyed how Big P talked about how Master/ slave relationships can sometimes be about form versus function. In other words, many people get into Master and slave relationships and they are all about the appearance of the relationship, but how the relationship will lack resilience without some type of foundation in how the Master feels about the slave.  How a Master feels about the slave being the basis of the relationship is very rarely discussed in M/s circles.

He talked about his personal journey, how he played with men by tying them up and fucking them, but how his dominant identity was still something that he picked up and put down. Until one day he realized that the Dominant identify was who he was and that everything else was the other or false life. 

After he embraced his Dominant side he was able to then move forward and embrace his Master identity.

 He also said it was when he met his slave, little p, that things really were fulfilled for him.

They talked about their relationship and how at first they had a contract. How the contract, in many ways helped Big P figure out and define what he really wanted in his life and relationship with little p.

Little p talked about how in his vanilla relationships his mistakes were always held against him and how that doesn’t happen now. Hearing that form a slave was very powerful.

 They also talked about how when Big P asks little p what he wants for dinner little p says-- whatever you want.  The significance for Big P is that it forces him to go inside and really evaluate what he wants, and how that empowers him immensely.

Overall there was much about the presentation that I did not agree with, but I LOVE LOVE hearing others in their journey. What I really enjoyed here was Big P’s candor and openness about his needs and life.  That was a gift.

This is a day that I will hold close, being next to other Master and slave couples, listening to Big P’s journey and seeing the love and devotion that Big P and little p had for each other, that resonated with me deeply.

The love and joy that they felt filled the room every time their eyes met.

That I completely understand.