Over the last few months or so a friend of mine called
Cupcake had starting changing their identity from top/switch to Master. He had been putting himself out there looking
for a slave and boy did the chatter get loud. The conversations of what is he
doing? He isn’t responsible enough, he
isn’t knowledgeable enough. He has no idea what he is asking. What could he POSSIBLY BE THINKING!?!?! And so on became
a very loud and distinct background noise.
I would like to say
that I had taken some sort of high road, and that I had said “hey wait a minute”.
But no, I listened to what others had to say and jumped in with my own two
judgmental cents.
I didn’t even stop to
think that what was coming out of my mouth about Cupcake was exactly the same
kind of hateful, biased, and destructive
crap that was said about me ten years ago when I first got with my slave. What I was saying and
agreeing with had nothing to do with anything that was real. Instead it was my
own biases, my own perception of what I thought he was and could be, and my own
territorial peeing over who I thought
had the “right” to take on my own
beloved title of Master. I didn’t think
twice….. and then…
There was an occasion were I had a chance to sit and talk
with Cupcake. We caught up on what had
been happening, and where he was now. I
met his new slave, and listened intently as they both talked
about what had been happening since together they had started transitioning
into a Master/slave relationship. He talked about having a lot of resistance to
his change, from those that knew him, and those that didn’t, and they talked about
having a lot of people be outright nasty and challenging to both of their new
identities and the new relationship, as well as being very surprised and hurt
that people were so opposed to their individual growth as well as their growing
into a couple.
I completely understood what they were saying. I had been
there as well. I have come to the conclusion that people react so badly to someone
changing for a multitude of reasons. Some of it may be that people feel that
they no longer have access to you, and some of it may be that people like to
think that they know who you are so when you grow and change, that challenges
those beliefs. It may be that people are comfortable knowing and
relating to you one way, and when you change it forces them to change as well.
It changes how they view you, how they approach you, what they think about you,
and relative to that- what they think about themselves. People get concerned about whether they will
have a place in your life after you change, or will be left behind because of
your change. So the fear of losing you sometimes becomes the motive for them
resisting your growth.
Sometimes it is the fear that your growth will leave them
behind in an emotional sense, that your growth is a reflection of them not
growing. In essence we are all a reflection of each other. We keep certain friends and not others
because of how those people fit into our lives, how they relate to our belief
system, and how they influence how we think and feel. So when someone that is important in our
lives changes the sense of loss and fear are automatic. What does their change mean to and about me?
So instead of accepting that change people sometimes react
negatively. They talk badly about you, or to you. They start rumors; they
undermine your decisions subtly, or directly. No matter what their outlet
is, it is all based in the same concept that that
person is struggling with you changing, not because of what your change means
to you, but because of what your change that means to them.
Then it hit me smack in my head. Holy Shit.
That person was me. I was the one
saying crap about Cupcakes change. I was the one questioning his ability, not
because I knew anything for myself, but because of my own biases. I was saying
shit about what I thought he was trying to do. It never occurred to me to stop
and say “everyone starts somewhere”, or” I was there and no one believed in me”,
or even “hey give Cupcake a chance; he might be moving into something very
powerful and ground breaking for him.”
I didn’t do it then.
But I do it now.
I am so sorry Cupcake that I didn’t cut you slack about your
change. Although it was never something that I said to your face, I should have
been right there cheering you and your slave on. I should have been challenging
those that questioned you and reminding them as well as myself that all
beginnings need support.
Transitions are never easy for those going through them. When
someone is transitioning there will be those that accept the change and support
it and there will be those that fight against it. But remember someone else’s reaction
to your change is about them, not about you.
And although change is scary, how someone else reacts to your change
should never stop you from moving forward.
