New Master, new slave

Over the last few months or so a friend of mine called Cupcake had starting changing their identity from top/switch to Master.  He had been putting himself out there looking for a slave and boy did the chatter get loud. The conversations of what is he doing?  He isn’t responsible enough, he isn’t knowledgeable enough. He has no idea what he is asking. What could he POSSIBLY BE THINKING!?!?!  And so on became a very loud and distinct background noise.

 I would like to say that I had taken some sort of high road, and that I had said “hey wait a minute”. But no, I listened to what others had to say and jumped in with my own two judgmental cents.

I didn’t even  stop to think that what was coming out of my mouth about Cupcake was exactly the same kind of hateful, biased, and destructive  crap that was said about me ten years ago when I first  got with my slave. What I was saying and agreeing with had nothing to do with anything that was real. Instead it was my own biases, my own perception of what I thought he was and could be, and my own territorial peeing over  who I thought had the  “right” to take on my own beloved title of Master.  I didn’t think twice….. and then…

There was an occasion were I had a chance to sit and talk with Cupcake.  We caught up on what had been happening, and where he was now.  I met his new slave, and listened intently as they both   talked about what had been happening since together they had started transitioning into a Master/slave relationship. He talked about having a lot of resistance to his change, from those that knew him, and those that didn’t, and they talked about having a lot of people be outright nasty and challenging to both of their new identities and the new relationship, as well as being very surprised and hurt that people were so opposed to their individual growth as well as their growing into a couple.

I completely understood what they were saying. I had been there as well. I have come to the conclusion that people react so badly to someone changing for a multitude of reasons. Some of it may be that people feel that they no longer have access to you, and some of it may be that people like to think that they know who you are so when you grow and change, that challenges those beliefs.  It may be  that people are comfortable knowing and relating to you one way, and when you change it forces them to change as well. It changes how they view you, how they approach you, what they think about you, and relative to that- what they think about themselves.  People get concerned about whether they will have a place in your life after you change, or will be left behind because of your change. So the fear of losing you sometimes becomes the motive for them resisting your growth.  

Sometimes it is the fear that your growth will leave them behind in an emotional sense, that your growth is a reflection of them not growing. In essence we are all a reflection of each other.  We keep certain friends and not others because of how those people fit into our lives, how they relate to our belief system, and how they influence how we think and feel.  So when someone that is important in our lives changes the sense of loss and fear are automatic.  What does their change mean to and about me? 

So instead of accepting that change people sometimes react negatively. They talk badly about you, or to you. They start rumors; they undermine your decisions subtly, or directly. No matter what their outlet is,   it is all based in the same concept that that person is struggling with you changing, not because of what your change means to you, but because of what your change that means to them.

Then it hit me smack in my head.  Holy Shit.  That person was me.  I was the one saying crap about Cupcakes change. I was the one questioning his ability, not because I knew anything for myself, but because of my own biases. I was saying shit about what I thought he was trying to do. It never occurred to me to stop and say “everyone starts somewhere”, or” I was there and no one believed in me”, or even “hey give Cupcake a chance; he might be moving into something very powerful and ground breaking for him.”

I didn’t do it then.  But I do it now.

I am so sorry Cupcake that I didn’t cut you slack about your change. Although it was never something that I said to your face, I should have been right there cheering you and your slave on. I should have been challenging those that questioned you and reminding them as well as myself that all beginnings need support.

Transitions are never easy for those going through them. When someone is transitioning there will be those that accept the change and support it and there will be those that fight against it. But remember someone else’s reaction to your change is about them, not about you.  And although change is scary, how someone else reacts to your change should never stop you from moving forward.