The blurred lines

slaves do a lot of amazing work. Some of it is very public and very visible. The community dinners, where the slave brings the Master their plate, the public play parties, the direct communication of the Master asking and the slave obeying, all of these things are a very direct away to reinforce the power exchange.  These things are easy to see, easy to experience and easy to recognize not just for the people in the relationship but to those around them as well.

Then there is the work that the slave does at home. The more subtle stuff that actively speaks to and reinforces the dynamic specifically between the people involved, like the slave running the shower, washing the dishes, laying out the clothes. 

Then there are those grey areas, which- for many people is the majority of life.  The areas of service that are not so easy to see. These areas can be so blurry that even the Master and slave participating in them are sometimes left feeling conflicted.

Recently I have spoken to this very interesting Master who has been going through a rough patch with their health. The Master was not able to really take control of their house and the slave was assisting the Master with the ongoing Drs appointments, medication needs, and so on.

I listened intently, and it got me thinking.

It is during these times when the Master is at their weakest, and that the love, strength, and ability of the slave is at its most important, most crucial.

It is easy to have a power exchange that is visible when life if good. When money, play and sex are plentiful and the life within the house has a good stable rhythm, it is easy for a Master to take that power, and for the slave to give it.

But how often is life that predictable for that long?

This is where acts of service although through blurred lines, simply take on a different feel or look. However,  service is still the undercurrent. 

Just because the slave needs to take on a different set of duties that may not involve direct communication from the Master, or just because the slave needs to make more decisions independently does not mean  that those decisions are not done in the heart or service and very much so with the Master in mind.

It can be hard to be in that place were as a Master you do not feel that you are able to run your household  and dominate your slave like you think or feel that you should be able to do.

It brings up a lot of guilt about your identity, and how you think your slave must view you. As well as what you think that your slave deserves that you as the Master cannot provide.

In some ways service done through blurred lines will show what the slave is really vested in. Are they vested in that Master and the actual life service that the Master really needs?  Or are they vested in service only when they are getting play, more visible dominance, and/ or sex in return? 

And for the Masters out there,  don’t be so quick to dismiss the acts of love and service that the slave is attempting to give.  Sure it may not be naked in chains kneeling at our feet, but that would freak out the waiting room staff at the restaurant anyway.

Look at what your slave gives in real time as service that is life and love service.  Service that is given with the same joy and passion and submission that taking a beating,  or servicing you sexually brings.

Sure it may be a little hard to compare picking up medications to a giving a blow job, but to a slave that serves out of love, the end result of keeping the Master healthy and happy is the same. 

Loving service.

A Masters Ghosts

I have been hesitating to write this, thinking that the pull to put it on paper would go away, but instead it is right there still, weeks later.  So here goes.

I am not one to lay blame to what parents do, generally speaking and excessive abuses aside. In my black and white thinking once you are 18 its time to put on your big girl, or boy, or whatever panties and take some responsibility for yourself, how you act, think, and move in the world. Whenever I ask an adult a question and I get the answer “It was how I was raised.”  I vomit a little in my mouth and then think-   how old are you anyway? Where is your personal accountability for your belief systems and actions? 

Harsh, judgmental, biased I know- But hey- it was how I was raised.  Just kidding.

So onto my point.

There are two things that I constantly work on with and about myself. One is the need to matter, and the other is being believed.

When it comes to needing to matter I am constantly judging myself against what I have just done. I am only as good as my last blog, my last AEL Kinkskills, my last scene, my last fuck.

I strive to matter, I need to matter.  

It took me a while to put together that this need to matter now comes from never mattering as a kid to my Dad.  Even back when we were talking in my adulthood he made it very clear how insignificant he thought that I was. (We no longer communicate.)

I know that this intense need to matter strongly affects my Master identity, and probably drives it more than even I am aware of.

I know that there is a direct link between having to matter and being the breadwinner of the home, as well as having my word be final, and how I direct and require the chores are done in the house. If I say something and it matters- it is done, then I matter in some weird way. 

I know that needing to matter drives me in a lot of ways, some good- some questionable.  (OK some not so good.) I need to matter to my slave. More than I am willing to admit.

I also struggle with being believed. I am afraid that whatever comes out of my mouth will be thought of as a lie. My first wife consistently told me that I was lying no matter what I said. That was 5 years of not being believed, even in the most basic of things.

So now I have this deep seated belief that if I were to actually talk about my life, the things that I have done, or gone through,   that the person that I am talking to won’t believe me.  So I try to talk about myself as little as possible.  Even now as I write this I think- wow am I really screwed up or what?

This fear of being believed also falls on the shoulder of my slave. she gives me the sense that I am a believable and trustworthy person. My slaves reassurance and validation of me (not to mention her undying devotion, and the fact that she believes that I AM A GOD!!) lets me lead, lets me let go, lets me make decisions with confidence and authority.  When it could so easily go the other way.

My need to matter and my fear of not being believed could very easy by used by my slave to keep me off balance, questioning, and defensive of myself, my actions and my thoughts.

As Masters we all have those things that follow us like ghosts. That come into our lives and influence how we lead our homes and our slaves. These emotional apparitions absolutely and directly affect what we expect from our slave, and how we define how our slave supports us.

These emotional shadows do not have to rule us however; they are a part of us, yes.   But as Masters it is part of our duty in leading to be aware of our own challenges, and be aware of what it takes to emotionally serve us as whole person. Not walking, fucking, playing Master robots, but whole people with emotional baggage like the rest of the world.  

It is hard to admit as Masters that we have these parts of ourselves.  But it is a beauty when the slave knows them as well, and serves with joy, love, and understanding. 

 And I like it when she coos at me…..

Master Patrick Mulcahey shares his journey....

I went to the PERV put on by Fetlife and was so honored to be able to hear Patrick Mulcahey (Big P) speak. He is a Master identified gay man in a long term relationship with his slave who is also named Patrick (little p).

 I loved being in the room full of other Master and slave couples. It is such a rarity for me to have that experience, and I really felt that the other couples were as excited to learn as I was!

It is very interesting listening to someone else’s journey. You never really know what sorts of things you will hear, or how they will resonate with you. I enjoyed how Big P talked about how Master/ slave relationships can sometimes be about form versus function. In other words, many people get into Master and slave relationships and they are all about the appearance of the relationship, but how the relationship will lack resilience without some type of foundation in how the Master feels about the slave.  How a Master feels about the slave being the basis of the relationship is very rarely discussed in M/s circles.

He talked about his personal journey, how he played with men by tying them up and fucking them, but how his dominant identity was still something that he picked up and put down. Until one day he realized that the Dominant identify was who he was and that everything else was the other or false life. 

After he embraced his Dominant side he was able to then move forward and embrace his Master identity.

 He also said it was when he met his slave, little p, that things really were fulfilled for him.

They talked about their relationship and how at first they had a contract. How the contract, in many ways helped Big P figure out and define what he really wanted in his life and relationship with little p.

Little p talked about how in his vanilla relationships his mistakes were always held against him and how that doesn’t happen now. Hearing that form a slave was very powerful.

 They also talked about how when Big P asks little p what he wants for dinner little p says-- whatever you want.  The significance for Big P is that it forces him to go inside and really evaluate what he wants, and how that empowers him immensely.

Overall there was much about the presentation that I did not agree with, but I LOVE LOVE hearing others in their journey. What I really enjoyed here was Big P’s candor and openness about his needs and life.  That was a gift.

This is a day that I will hold close, being next to other Master and slave couples, listening to Big P’s journey and seeing the love and devotion that Big P and little p had for each other, that resonated with me deeply.

The love and joy that they felt filled the room every time their eyes met.

That I completely understand.

Excerpt from my slaves PERV presentation:

My slave presented this at PERV, it included the evolution of body image in the leather, fetish and kink community throughout North America. Here is an excerpt from her personal journey of fat and body image acceptance. 

If you are interested her fat and body image acceptance group the Brickhouse Betties (5 years and running!!)  you will find them here:

 http://www.facebook.com/groups/brickhousebetties

 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Brickhouse_Betties

or watch for her monthly event posting on Fetlife. com

under the group name:  New Mexico Fetlifers

When I started exploring my slave identity I realized that although I had been working on these issues of fat and body acceptance very hard, there were still some emotional minefields left over. All of the slaves that I had seen, read about, or were publicly acknowledged as desirable were white, and very very thin. Nothing against my wonderful white and thin sisters, however it was very intimidating for me to embark on a journey where no one even remotely looked like me.

I had not seen women who looked like me portrayed in rope bondage, suspension, or kneeling for hours. I had only seen or heard of fat women being used as walking percussion instruments and individuals who were able to withstand great amounts of pain because they possessed great amounts of surface area.

It wasn’t until I met my beautiful wife and Master  that I realized that it was possible to for me to be cherished, loved, teased, and tortured in a way that made me feel beautiful-  because of how I looked and  not in spite of it. I realized over time for me to feel safe and acknowledged in my slave identity I needed a partner who looked at me as unconditionally beautiful. My ability to  surrender to increasingly high levels of submission, pain, and servitude was and still is directly connected to the ability of my partner to see me as an object of desire, worthy of attention, worthy of love, worthy of respect, and worthy of open and public praise.

Even though I was extremely lucky enough to find a partner who was ready, willing, and able to do all of those things I still had to do more than my fair share of work in the self esteem and body image department.

I realized that in order for me to enjoy the lavish and loving treatment that I had always desired I had to acquire the sense of self to recognize it was something that I always deserved. I had to stop punishing myself every time I ate and enjoyed it. For instance I had to stop saying things like “I’m so bad for eating this cake. “  Or “I am going to have to work off all these calories from this pizza next time I am in dance class.”

 I also had to be prepared to stop other people- including friends and loved ones- from making destructive comments about my body.  No matter how clueless or well meaning that they said that they were.  For example I had to start telling a very close friend of mine to stop telling me that my breasts have a very unappealing “maternal slope” to them.  (She was trying to give my advice on proper bras.)

I also had to go through the very difficult process of putting an end to all of the family and self imposed messages that I had running around in my head and out of my mouth about how I am never good enough. These messages would not always be so obvious in their self hate, and with the help of my amazing wife and Master I came to realize that all of the little   self deprecating and “humorous” comments that I always made about myself concerning my perceived lack of beauty, intellect, and grace were having a very devastating effect on my body image and self esteem.

My fat and body positive journey has come to mean that in order for me to continue to evolve. I have to hold myself and others around me equally accountable for how I am treated.