I'm OK, You're OK, thats not OK

 I suppose I can wrap my head around just about anything,  but that doesn't mean that my heart will follow, or that I will ever be able to reconcile the two.  There are those things for all of us-  those things that we can look at and say  "well, OK, maybe",  but still leave us shaking our heads and walking away.

These are those things for me.  Those things that I can kind of say  "well, OK, maybe",  but the reality for me is that I will most likely never understand,  and honestly, there is a part of me that doesn't even want to.

I know that there are lesbians that are owned only by men and loaned out to single males or heterosexual couples for the man’s use.

 I can understand in my head that this is a lesbian identified woman with a fetish for having sex with men, however that plays out.

 But in my heart I cannot get around the feeling that when they do this they compromise the safety of the rest of us.  Women that choose to identify as lesbian as a selling point and then only have sex with men make the rest of us seem “turnable” by the already entitled male culture.  The bragging that then occurs by the men that have fucked the "lesbian” turns my stomach and makes me ill. But more importantly it makes me look at my front door with a little more apprehension about what I am going to meet on the other side. 

 I know that there are people that play with concepts of race and religious persecution.  

I can understand in my head that the people that play in those ways are people that obtain an emotional, sexual, physical, and psychological release that can only occur when they delve into those types of play. Being a practitioner of race play, I understand that need personally. 

 But in my heart these things need to be left to the privacy of the home. Taking this into public feeds, validates,   and encourages the already growing racist and anti-Semitic culture that has found a home in current BDSM. 

In my head I can understand the tri-fec-ta of power that a Dominant can use to take control of a submissive.   

One: creating financial chaos to create an unbalanced home life.  Two: Giving and taking away emotional support to create submission. 

Three:  convincing the submissive that they are superior to the community while simultaneously being a victim of it. This creates isolation of the submissive as well as develops a need for the submissive to somehow protect the Dominant from the community that treated has them so badly.

In my head I understand that these three things will bring just about any submissive to their knees.

 In my heart it is not dominance, it is abuse.

I can understand a lot of things in my head, given enough time.

 But honestly even though I say the words   "well, it is their kink.”   Or “obviously it works for them.” It doesn’t stop that feeling of getting punched in the stomach when I see these things. Of feeling angry, and scared and compromised and a questioning as to where are we really going as a BDSM culture?

There is a repeated history that happens when an entire culture encourages homophobia, racism, anti-Semitism, and abuse.  It is ugly, it is violent, and it is insidious.

I suppose there are those things that we all fight to understand in our brains and reconcile in our hearts.  Sometimes we get there, sometimes we don’t.

And sometimes-  maybe – just maybe-  we shouldn’t. 

little kid at the BIG Kids Table

I got to be the little kid sitting at the Big Kids table on Monday!!   IT WAS SO AWESOME! I just needed a sippy cup and a bib!!!

I got to sit and listen to the Biggies talk about their lives, and ask questions to Vi Johnson, Max Rulz, and Boi Robbie, and then I got to embarrass myself at Guy Baldwin!

I am going to paraphrase some of the things here that were said that I am still thinking about.  These are just parts of conversations, so bear with me as my head is still spinning over the experience of Monday.

Safe words make lazy ass tops. They don’t have to think, they don’t have to know anything, and they don’t have to watch their bottoms.

You can train a Monkey to flog, I can read a book and flog…. (In relationship to bottoms using safe words as manipulation.)

If you don’t trust - you will never fly.

Relationships, especially poly ones are not about the people looking at each other- they are about the people in the relationship all looking in the same direction.

You would learn because a Grand Master would be right at your side saying watch this, and what do you see here, and what about this.

 When I first asked her to mentor me she hung up on me, it took a long time to convince her that I really wanted to be mentored.  Then it was months of questions.

The best teacher for a new slave is another slave.

A Master can’t just bring in another slave and command that they be family - that shit don’t fly. You can’t build from the top.

I can train a slave to clean, but I can’t train a slave to not lie to me, that is my only deal breaker.

I am the keeper of secrets.

My other top moments:

Thank you to Saint for allowing me time with Chance.  That was a blessing.

 Thank you Sera for letting me run you out of your own kitchen- that was erotic and a blessing!

My amazing slave dancing at the drop of a hat by request.

Ms. R telling me that she was a dominant after I asked her to hand me my glass with both hands!!!!!  OOOOPPPPPSSSS!!!!

Giving complete permission to SW, T, and A to sit on my slave if she moves from her place before she finishes her lunch and her drink!

Honestly speaking I have had fantasies about things that I thought would never happen in my lifetime.

Meeting these people, hearing their words, soaking up every amazing minute that was a gift and a joy that I NEVER thought would happen to me.

Thank you NMFL for making this happen!!!!!!

When the slave is sick

Hello all - I am  doing much better and  am looking forward to posting something new next week. My slave is a little  under the weather   but the Dr  is taking good care of her, as am I when she lets me. I wrote this in 2010 I think....

For those that are going Enjoy EVO -REVO!!!! 





So what happens to the Master when the slave is sick? Well let’s see… it starts early in the morning, when the magic socks do not appear and the breakfast somehow stays mysteriously in the fridge. At one time the pots and pans and odd sounding spices had made sense but now years later~ the act of cooking has become foreign and dangerous. A soft and well placed Masters whine for breakfast elicits a moan from the barely conscious and somewhat drugged slave. she attempts to move out of bed, only to snot on herself and fall backwards.

At this point it is clear that the Master must attempt breakfast. Skipping the idea of a hot breakfast and deciding on a lopsided sandwich instead the now cold and still kind of hungry Master wanders aimlessly through the house, looking for clothes. Strange, the clothes do not put themselves out, they do not, jump up to greet a person; they lie still unmoving, wrinkled, as if waiting for something. This unknown laundry language is unknown to the Master~ so bare naked the Master dives in and finds her clothes for the day.

Next the Master knows that she must drive into town and find some soup and soda for her sick and moaning slave~ if only to quell the moaning…

Slowly the Master circles the car; she opens the door, and enters. Turing the key the Master thinks that maybe she turned it on wrong; the music is not on her favorite station. But restarting the car brings no change. Halfway down the highway the Master realizes that the car doesn’t have a GPS, and that she must somehow know where to go. This presents a problem. The slave always knows where to go. The Master double checks for a GPS... Nope.

Hummm, this new world is curiouser and curiouser…

Driving along the Master decided to pull off the freeway and look for a store. Three hours later she finds a fast food joint and it will have to do. The chicken sandwich and hot tea will double as soup, and the French fries are just as good as crackers. 

Proudly on her way home, The Master spots a gas station, she drops in and picks up a bottle of 8$ cough medicine and a box of 10 tissues that can also double as sandpaper. To show her slave that she loves her, the Master also buys one of those fake flowers that double as perfume, the kind with the little bear on top.

Coming back to her castle the Master surveys her booty. Once inside the smell of hot fresh chili overcomes her. The slave motivated by sheer terror had cooked in the Masters absence. Although the Master does not mind eating peanut butter and baloney sandwiches, this disturbs the slave greatly and makes rest almost impossible.

The slave puts on a brave smile and takes her gifts gracefully between snotting and coughing, and going unconscious once more.

The Master surveys’ her home, she struts from the living room to the kitchen waiting, sensing that something is missing. She moves to the TV room and puts in a show to watch.

Sitting on the couch she reaches over to the air that was at one time the place where the magic tea sat. She punches the button on the remote but somehow the French subtitles stubbornly remain. The Master slumps into the couch, good posture is not necessary if there is no one to look adoringly at it…

The Master heard the slave snoring loudly in the background.

The Master looks down at her feet propped on the coffee table. Of course, she thinks… looking at her feet~ on one there is a slipper sock, on the other is an oven mitt... No wonder the shoes felt tight…

Leather Bear Tails: When Mastery becomes diversion

Hello there evrfybody, not back 100% yet but close. Still pretty weak, but my slave is taking amazing care of me still.

Here is something I wrote in 2010 I think.......

I am seeing a disturbing trend among people with a Master identity. It is something that has bothered me for a very long time; I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then the other day I was out with my slave and we were bouncing ideas back and forth off of each other ~ she does keep me on my toes~ and I was recounting an experience that I had several years back. I was listening to a Master speak, and they talked about how they were emotionally unavailable. I remember thinking to myself: OK, I can see how stating your limitation up front in the relationship is helpful, that gives the submissive or slave a chance right there to decide whether or not the relationship is for them. 

This person went on to say that they punish when they are angry. I remember thinking: OK, not my thing, but it is always good to hear about how other people do things. This person went on to talk about how they had beaten their ex-slave (pay real close attention to the EX part) nearly unconscious for sending out an e mail without the Masters permission. 

At this point I figured that I had heard enough, and I excused myself from the discussion. Since that time I have heard countless echo’s from Masters with the same types of sentiments.

It is based in the idea that if a person is Master identified then they no longer have to 1) emotionally challenge themselves to grow. 2) Deal with their anger issues in a responsible and self diffusing manner and 3) need any type of self control when dealing with those that serve under them.

When was it that just because a person has a title (and more often then not a self appointed one) that this title relieves them of the responsibilities that we all have to ourselves and the ones that serve under us? In my opinion a Master needs to not only take responsibility and accountability for their own emotions but they also need to be able to problem solve and show leadership through tense and emotionally charged situations. Not indulge themselves in self serving and destructive behavior just because they have someone that serves them.

Emotional growth is extremely challenging, it will challenge how you feel, what you think and how you move in the world. Often it is easier to give ourselves excuses about why emotional growth doesn’t need to happen then it is to push through the challenge, reevaluate ourselves and possibly change how we act and what we think.

Anger is a complex composite of emotion. For some anger is about being explosive, for others it is about denial and for others it as about recognizing that anger is a signal that there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. There is however, a trick to the emotion of anger. For some, the power that they feel over their lives is heightened when they feel angry, and that power becomes addictive. If a person who feels empowered when they are angry spikes that emotional charge by physically punishing their submissive or slave when they are angry it starts a cycle. 

When the Master does it at first they feel euphoria followed by a release of the anger, and a return to a relaxed and calm sate. Over time the euphoria takes a greater and greater amount of intensity to achieve~ so sometimes unknowingly, the physical punishments become more and more extreme, because emotionally the Master is still seeking the euphoria/release. The anger/euphoria/release pattern can also become the Masters emotional comfort zone, this leads to the Master becoming emotionally geared to creating a pattern of behavior from the slave that will start the cycle. 

Although I recognize that entitlement happens in all types of relationships and relationship titles, seeing how Master s blatantly use their title to allow themselves to remain emotionally stunted, or disassociate themselves from the responsibilities of life is both disturbing and disappointing. 

How can you push your slave if you cannot push yourself? How can you require that a person give and give and give if you are incapable of it? How can you expect someone self to hold their temper and hold their tongue, if you are unable or unwilling to get your own self under control? But most of all how can you consider yourself a leader when those that follow you become lost and weak in your presence?

Strong Masters make strong slaves. Self confident, invested Masters make self confident invested slaves. 

Grandiose emotionally detached Masters create ex-slaves with horror stories.