(Picture by Fox_Fotography!!!!)
Leather Bear Tails is about the leather journey of my slave and I. It deals with all parts of the leather and BDSM experience from safety to predators, to skills, and all of the lovely mistakes that she and I make along the way!!
Also!! I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it can be found for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html
I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html
Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information! The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!
If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:
If you are interested in active online community please find:
Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:
Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers
Albuquerque Master/slave forum
New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More
This is part two of the community leader interviews that I did
in which three of the leaders of the Albuquerque and New Mexico communities
were patient enough to answer my questions. Their bios are in the previous article
but I have included their contact info if you wish to contact them!
Daddy Stan: Alternative
Erotic Lifestyles (AEL) at email@example.com
1)What are the conflicts that you see
happening over and over again
People overstepping personal boundaries.
The number of times over the years that I have had to pull people aside, and
let them know that a given behavior was reported is far greater than it should
be. Thankfully the incidents have decreased in the past few years, and I think
that is due to greater education through events such as the AEL Power Munch.
Miles: Conflicts--whew! People fighting for primacy
in the community. I think Albuquerque is in a good place, and this conflict
isn't strong in our community right now. But, I recently visited another city
where this conflict is ripe and stressful for all involved. We need to
understand that we all do better, create better opportunities, and leave a
stronger legacy when we work together. One group's shining moment doesn't
destroy anyone else. Another group's crisis moment can be an opportunity for
cooperation. I feel like it sounds trite, but we have to, as a whole community,
focus more on unity.
Sue: I think most conflicts stem from people not being able to see
things from someone else's perspective. We all have this picture in our head of
how things should work, but what's good for me isn't good for everyone else,
and I'm no more important than anyone else is. People criticize the actions of
others, the relationships of others, the ideas of others, but rarely do we step
back and say to ourselves, "what makes me right and them wrong? Can we both
be right?" In a community where we advocate communication and negotiation
between individuals we seem to foul that up more often than we'd like to admit.
2)What drove you to begin your journey
of organizing events, and is it what still drives you now?
Daddy Stan: I did not opt to be organizing events.
The group had gone dormant for several months, and two more experienced people
asked us to join them in getting AEL up and running again. After a very short
period of time, they both left, leaving AEL in our laps.
Miles: I was lonely! I'd been a
stay-at-home and then work-at-home mom for a year. Most of my friends did not
have children, and I was not able to be as active in the sex worker community
I'd loved for many years. I wanted to find people I could hang out with as my
whole self--mom, kinkster, and everything in-between; and I figured that if I
wanted that, other people did, too.
I moved to Las Cruces two years ago there was no active group. I was just
getting my feet wet, so to speak, in the kinky community and I wanted and
needed a community to relate to, so I started a group hoping others would join,
and they did. Now it's a family to me. I wouldn't give this group up because
it's a group full of my friends, friends I can be open and honest with, without
the fear of judgment or disdain. That's a beautiful thing in my world.
3)What do you feel is the biggest
pressure when it comes to being a leader?
Daddy Stan: Trying to keep a balance between making people
happy, and doing what is needed. For example, wanting to do certain activities
vs. what is lawful, or finding reliable venues vs. a few individuals personal
Miles: To make the next class/event/get-together,
etc, bigger and better. To smartly gather the resources to create what
the community (seems to) need. I don't feign to always KNOW what the community
needs, but my team and I work at paying attention and doing our best to create
what we feel people are hungry for. Gathering the basic resources (time, space,
money) to make all of those things happen is always a challenge. I don't want
our work to feel lackluster, and I don't want to rely on excuses of, "Oh,
that's all we could manage ..." which is often a way of saying "YOU,
community, weren't willing to pay for anything else/help with anything/put any
energy in." I want our work to inspire folks to say, "I will
volunteer, b/c going to this and fostering it is important to me"; or,
"I will make this event happen for me financially b/c I want to
learn"; or, "I see what you are doing, and I want to create
this--let's work together, let's move forward, let's grow."
That is all both the greatest challenge and the greatest joy
in being a community leader. I love that
challenge--I wake up in the morning energized by that challenge. What can we
make next? How will we do it? We know what we need--now how do we get there?
How do we best communicate? How do we inspire? Figuring
out how to sign a contract and place an order and such are the easy parts. The
invigorating part is inspiring the community to come together once that
contract is signed
Sue:For me the biggest pressure is to maintain my professionalism. I
get just as riled and agitated as everyone else, but it's my duty to maintain a
level head and be the voice of reason. There are times when, I'm sure you're
shocked to hear, I want to tell everyone to take a flying leap, but I don't,
because I have to put on my big girl panties and put out the fires, not start new
4)What is the one thing that you want
people to know about being a community leader?
Daddy Stan: It is not something to do for your own
purposes. If you do it, plan on making some people upset with you. As I said
earlier, we did not opt for leadership. The goals should always be for the
greater good and advancement of the community.
Miles: One thing to know about being a community
leader: this is an all or nothing proposition. Being a leader in this community
is not something you can do--successfully--halfway. This is a huge commitment.
It is better to honestly say, "No, I can't," than to think you can do
leaders are human. We cry, we put our panties on one leg at a time. We're not
perfect, and our capacity for ridicule and criticism is finite, just like
everyone else. I would ask everyone to step back and ask themselves, what would
I do if I were in that situation?
Thank you so very much to Daddy Stan, Sera Miles and Shelby Sue for your time and thoughtfulness in answering my questions!
I have always heard that if you are going to be a Master you must first be a Master of yourself. For the longest time I never understood this.
Does it mean that you must be in control of your emotions at all times, as well as your thoughts and your actions?
And how realistic is it to demand the Mastery of something that is constantly changing, no matter what the situation.
So I was left with the question, of what does the Mastery of the self really mean? And what does that mean to me?
Sure one can say that when times are easy, stable, and predictable that having a certain amount of Mastery over ones emotions, thoughts, and actions on a consistent basis is not only attainable, but reasonable. Honestly speaking , though, how often is life easy, stable and predictable?
Does it mean that a person should no longer identify as a Master if they cannot control these things that sometimes even surprise the most stoic of all of us?
Is it that they must step away from their title because of the internal failure of loss of self control, even for a brief time, and even if they regain themselves eventually?
I ask this question now because from November of last year to April of this year I was under an extreme amount of pressure and I was sometimes quickly, and sometimes slowly, loosing my sense of self control.
My emotions became more erratic as I strove- for all that I was worth- for some sense of safety, only to find that someone else had died, or something else had broken, or I was staring into an abyss of loss that I could no longer fathom living through.
My thoughts were consumed by the daily fears of life. What was going to happen next? I was powerless to do anything as we weathered another cold day without heat, measured out the food, and watched as the horses got skinnier from a dwindling supply of hay.
Then my actions followed, in public I wanted to come across as being OK, that everything was normal, but instead my internal chaos simply took over. I became overly rough in what I excused as "playfulness" as I searched for a sign to myself that I was OK, and failing that, I went overboard.
During this time I started to question my Master identity. I felt out of control, and that any attempt to gain control was futile because every time that I did try something else would beak, or explode, or the tears would come and I could not stop them.
I questioned my right to lead, and began to feel that my slave needed someone better, she deserved that. Someone who could provide for her better, lead stronger, and hold it together when times were tough.
Then it happened.
I went to far with someone because I didn't want to stop. They could have gotten hurt, and badly. It was at that sobering moment that I froze and realized that I had given up. I had given up even trying to try. I had given up even trying to control my own behavior. I had given up on myself.
At that point I became very afraid of my own self and I knew it was time for me to stop putting my head in the sand, and get back to at least trying to try.
I took a big step back. I contacted a counselor that day, I scaled back everything social and made myself retreat. I stopped going to events in an attempt to regain some sense of self again.
Then slowly, very slowly I started asking small things from my slave. Things I had not asked in a long time like having her wear her collar out during errands. Slowly I started to feel like myself again. I am not saying that I am all the way back, but I will say that I am getting better.
So now when someone says a Master must have Mastery over themselves I understand it a little better.
Maybe it isn't about having Mastery over every emotion, thought, and action.
Maybe it is more about having enough insight to know who you are and what you want. Enough determination to make that insight into something tangible, and enough mindfulness to see how what you do and what you say affects those around you, like a ripple in a pond.
Maybe that is the basis of Mastery of the self. The basis of this journey of Mastery.
Although I lost my way for a while as I am sure that many of us do. I am coming back, a little smarter, a little more humble, and yes, luckily very much loved as well as forgiven.
A few months back I got to thinking about what sorts of
things that community leaders go through and think about. I was lucky enough to
be able to email interview three of the people that organize and help make not just
Albuquerque but New Mexico the amazing leather, fetish, poly, and kink
community that it is.
The three people that I interviewed are:
Daddy Stan: Daddy Stan is a frequent workshop presenter at
various events around the country, and was the 2010 recipient of the Pantheon
of Leather: Rocky Mountain Regional Award. In addition, Stan works as a kink
aware therapist, and has co-lead Alternative Erotic Lifestyles (AEL), an
Albuquerque based pansexual organization, for the past 15 years. For information
on AEL please contact firstname.lastname@example.org
Sera Miles: Sera Miles founded New Mexico FetLifers in November of 2008; by
November of 2009, she had formed the inaugural board of directors, and the
board was planning NMFL’s first conference, “Evolution of the Revolution”. Sera delivered the opening keynote at Rio
Grande Leather 2009; organizes Albuquerque’s annual event for the International
Day to End Violence against Sex Workers; edited Nancy Ava Miller’s
award-winning Pervert: Notes from the Sexual Underground; and has
performed in numerous fetish videos. For
information on Sera please go to these sites:
Shelby Sue: She has been hosting
munches in Las Cruces, for 2 years and a few days, haha. As well as co-leading the EPMG:TNG group since around
October 2011 and helping with EPMG since around the same time. For information
on Shelby Sue see her group information via fetlife: https://fetlife.com/groups/16977
1)What do you find to be the most complicated aspect of
Daddy Stan: Keeping
a just position in dealing with conflicted parties, and dealing with those
wanting to force changes that could be damaging to the group.
Sera Miles: A lot of the more
personal stuff--balancing work, family, friends, self, and community is a
constant challenge. And, sometimes I struggle with not taking every comment a
community member makes personally
Shelby Sue: I find it hard, not so
much for myself, but for some others, to reconcile the fact that I'm a
submissive woman with the fact that I am the group leader, and I will, in fact,
enforce my rules. That's difficult for me to swallow because in all other
aspects of my life I'm very much an alpha personality, and while it doesn't
make me less submissive, it makes me a bit of a dichotomy in some people's
eyes. My submission has nothing to do with the well being, safety and comfort
of those in the group I chose to start and continue to lead, and so I have to
step up and take the responsibility that goes with the fun of having a group to
be part of.
2)What mistakes have you made that you still
consider the most valuable?
Daddy Stan: The biggest lesson, and one that came early, was
to learn when to keep your mouth shut. Too many leaders spend way too many
hours engaging in gossip. I learned from the start that often the best thing
that you can say is nothing at all.
Sera Miles: The biggest mistake I think I've made is one I made at the
outset of creating NMFL--well, it's an assumption I made. I really thought that
b/c we are all adults, I could expect everyone to act responsibly, and I
thought that by simply setting that expectation, I could mitigate problems.
This led to me being reluctant to set down any rules, let alone strong ones.
After several months, I saw that I had to set down some rules, and I did ...
and then after many more months, I accepted that we had to create stiffer
guidelines and penalties. Making these transitions was hard for me, b/c I
emotionally wanted to hold on to my incorrect assumptions. Still, though, I would say that the vast majority of people in the community
are good people who don't want to hurt others, who want to follow the rules b/c
they understand those rules keep us all safe. What I had to realize and fully
accept was that being soft and kind was not going to change the behavior of the
Shelby Sue: In the beginning, when my group was still new and none of us
quite knew what we were trying to accomplish down here I occasionally let
certain people get away with not being respectful, with barking orders at
females and being outright jerks because I couldn't find my own personal voice.
There was a particular incident that ended with someone putting their hands on
me in a not nice way. I wasn't damaged in any way, but it was my wake up call.
It was time to step up and lead this group, take responsibility for everyone's
well being, or turn it over to someone who would. I'm still grateful that no
one else was in my shoes. I can handle knowing I set myself up for that
situation, but it would have devastated me to know I put someone else in harm's
3)If you could hear one compliment that would mean
something to you from the community that you serve, what would it be?
Daddy Stan: AEL has done so much to further the lifestyle in
NM, and has given me a home that I can feel safe in.
Sera Miles: The best compliment
to me tends to be any variation on "thank you for being here."
Shelby Sue: I think it would bring absolute tears to my eyes to hear that I
make this community better, in any way, for anyone. Gratitude is always
amazing, but it's always been my goal to build on the community we have, to help
4) What advice would you give to
someone looking to grow into a leadership role when it comes to the issue of
dealing with conflict?
Daddy Stan: Learn to communicate in styles outside of your
own. This way you will have a better chance of hearing, and being heard by the
parties involved. Also, be willing to listen without a preconceived outcome,
and always remember that you are far from omniscient.
Sera Miles: Don't take most of it personally. (I'd say
"all of it," but frankly, it's impossible to be like teflon all the
time.) Listen to all parties involved. Say as little as possible--to ensure
that the people in conflict feel heard. Understand
when resolution is and is not possible. Strive for being "OK" (as Max
Rulz talks about with the "Family O'Kink") over every issue being
worked out to some perfectionist ideal.
Shelby Sue: When dealing with conflict it's vitally
important that you take your own personal feelings and desires out of the
equation and look at the facts in regards to what is happening. Deal with your
personal issues on a personal level, but always deal with your community as a
professional, and realize that the group's or community's well being trumps your
personal desires, and even those of your friends.
Thank you so much to Daddy Stan,Sera Miles, and Shelby Sue
for your time and patience and answering my questions!!!
New Mexico Fetlifers puts on an event a few months out of
the year called PERV. It is 5$ per person to go and for the first hour they
cover the basics on how to act and what to expect if you are new to the community.
They also cover basic rules and etiquette that applies no matter where you are,
as well as how to be safe on the internet and in person. The second hour they
have a speaker and to open their 2012 year they had Daddy Stan. He talked about
how human development in many ways is re-experienced during a person’s first
few years after they discover their leather, fetish, and or kink identity.
There was no way I was going to miss this and as expected it
did not disappoint.
First Daddy Stan covered how a person develops through the
infant, toddler, pre-adolescent, adolescent and adult stages. Then he drew parallels between behavior in each
stage to the person going through their leather, fetish, and kink journey. Keep
in mind thought that these stages are not always linear and not based on age.
The infant stage in human development is about experiencing safety
and exploration. The same applies to the
infant stage in a person’s leather journey, it is where people are finding the
group that they fit in and then touching everything including, sticking a lot
of things in their mouth.
The toddler stage is where
a person gets up and explores their environment through movement, they are
figuring out their bodies and learning to move like those around them, not to
mention that they want all the toys! In leather people go to their first event,
they watch how others act, and sometimes try to follow those actions. Learning
how to walk, talk and in some ways how to project the image of themselves as
they figure out how they want to be seen.
The pre adolescent stage is where the person is awkward and learning,
but also starting to establish what they think, even if it different from those
that they respect. No leather equation needed there.
The adolescent stage is where the person knows it all, and
is angry because all of the idiot adults are destroying the world, and if people
would just LISTEN! So they run off taking their toys with them to go make it
right. The leather equitation of how the leaders are just all messed up and
this person is going to either disappear all together because no one will let
them be them, or start their own group, because it is so easy.
Then the adult stage were the person is more settled, seeking
family and more willing to take in others way of thinking. They move easily and
have established themselves, either through experience, or service, or time.
The adult stage of leather is a beauty to behold, they are so easily confident
and have established leather families.
As Daddy Stan spoke I found that so much about me and others
I could see myself in every stage, being an infant and
wanting to be safe with my own exploration. I was looking for someone to hold
my hand and show me the ropes, but do it in a way that was loving and
supportive. Although I had my lovely wife in my mouth often, I also found Rap- who taught me single tail, and answered my questions.
Then the toddler stage where I was learning how I wanted to
walk and talk, mirroring those around me, watching, learning, and drooling over
every toy possible!!!
My pre-adolescent stage which I think was my title year,
fighting for my sense of self, wanting to be right, but wanting the elder’s
approval so much.
Then adolescence which for me was pure defiance I and believing
that I was right which I feel was also my title year.
So far out of all of the stages all I have enjoyed my adult
stage the most. I have settled into my
leather family, I know who I am and how I want to be. I listen more, not always,
but more and I am focused on keeping my projects alive and thriving. I also seek
out those that know more than I do to learn how to lead better.
The talk also has helped me identify those around me, and
perhaps to be more patient because I can more clearly understand what stage that
they are in, and that that stage will most likely change as they grow.
The person that has been around for the least 15 years but doesn’t
understand why no one takes their suggestions, and whose skill set is the same
now as it was then: adolescent
The person that wide eyed sitting quietly at their first
event, listening, watching, and adjusting themselves as they watch others: toddler
The person shadowing and watching the leaders wanting to do something
themselves, but shy and awkward: pre-adolescent
So maybe next time that idiot that comes up to me angry and
full of suggestions as to how AEL Kinkskills could be soooo much better and much
more successful if only I would just LISTEN to them…..
I can just say to myself: OK adolescent… time for your trip
to the mall.