Feeling Skinned.

Do you ever have those days when you wake up not feeling right? Sometimes there is a reason, and sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes you can find the root, and sometimes it just seems so irrational. But rational or not -that doesn’t change how it feels.

It is a hard place to be- and this week I have been there for the last few days. I can track it to school being overwhelming, and not doing so well in my informatics class. I am frustrated because the class is not hard, neither are the tests, I just can’t seem to get my feet under me. It is frustrating and scary. So I know that is a lot to do with it. When  I get stressed I play spider  solitaire on the computer- I have played it so  much  that  my  fingers are sore- and not in a good way. 

Lately I have also been   on the receiving end of subtle and not so subtle fat phobia.  I thought that I was handling fine.  I tried to laugh it off, but I can’t seem to emotionally let it go. I feel or rather, I want to feel,   that they didn’t know what they were doing. I do. I want to think that they weren’t malicious or intent full- and when I focus really hard I can get there. But it is cutting, really cutting. 

Even thought I am pretty sure it wasn’t intentional it has left me feeling like a monster. I am not unaware of my size, or when I breathe hard. I am very aware of those things. But these experiences have really left me raw. I get it- I am Big, bigger than the normal person by at least X2. I get it ….really. I also get it that people like to be around me so that they can feel better about themselves; I can almost hear them say to themselves “well at least I am NOT BIG LIKE THAT.” I get it….really…. I do…..

I know that when I walk out my door it is my responsibility to be strong enough to  take responsibility for how I feel. So please - save it.  I understand that I “choose” how I internalize how I feel. So save it. I understand that ultimately I have to choose what I do with what goes on around me. So please keep that lecture to yourself.

But lately it has been so out of the blue that I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it. I wasn’t able to let it bounce off of me. Then stuff just kept happening. Just when I felt like, “OK I have my feet under me. I have the strength to at least front how I feel.”  I was wrong. I wasn’t strong enough, So when I was in the middle of listening to this conversation that triggered the shit out of me- I just clocked out. 

Then I had to leave. Then I had to cry.

I know that in time, I will be less raw, be less vulnerable.

But for the moment I feel skinned. 

I woke up feeling that way, again. So just to feel normal I went out and did some work in the pasture. 

At 6 am.  

It felt good, not having to think or feel. It felt good just working with my hands and focusing on the fence line, the water trough, the cleaning out the pasture a little at a time. Maybe I love horses so much because I am smaller then they are. Not a monster- just a person. They see how I feel and they know how I treat them is what matters, not how I look. Not how big I am in their eyes. 

I will be OK. This will pass.  I will be stronger on another day. I will be OK.

I just need rest and time and my slave loves arms so that I can walk out that door again.

Finding Your Inner Dominant Class!

Hello All!
 I am  teaching a Finding Your Inner Dominant class on the 30th.  I am  so excited!  All proceeds to  go  support Tease.

Here is the information!
 Monday the 30th
 From  7PM -9PM

Cost:	$10 per couple
Dress code:	Street legal
Description:	Finding your Inner Dominant: This is a hands on class to help people understand how their dominate side works. How to access their dominance, how to utilize that during play and how to understand their connection to their own personal dominant side. We will be covering: the three parts of dominance Terminology Pitfalls & Myths Mentally preparing Exercises with both the dominant and their partner Please bring a partner for this class. RSVP Ms_Ruffdomme for directions., Class rescheduled out of respect to AEL. It will be at the Kinky Spot:  3107 Eubank Blvd NE, Albuquerque, NM 87111

Not every class goes well.

I taught a BDSM 101 class this week. There was a great group of people, but I just didn’t feel that I did well. I am very much used to people learning to connect with their crotch at this class. For me beginning BDSM is about having your fantasies come to life. So  one of the things that I do with  the hands on  part is I have people start acting on  their fantasies and once they  start understanding how their fantasies have a place in the real  world -it usually goes from  there. 

I am very used to the end of the class being full of red, flushed faces, moans, and heavy breathing as people leave quickly. I teach  BDSM 101 as a hands on because I believe that BDSM is like driving a car, I can  talk  all  day long, but unless you have your hands in  it a little you won’t really know what it is about. I also believe that a lot of things like protocol, flags, and more in depth terminology a person can learn on their own depending on how far they want to continue their BDSM journey. 

BDSM 101 as hands on is a risk- but starting in BDSM is a risk, so doing it in front of someone who can answer questions I feel can be a good place to start. 

This time though, I just walked away feeling like- feeling like- I had failed somehow.

In the group there was really only one person that I felt walked out confident, while I felt that every ones else seemed to really struggle and become more emotionally confused. Maybe I am over thinking things a little bit, maybe it was ok. But honestly, I needed to feel that it was OK. I know that everyone that walks into the class will understand BDSM in varying degrees, and I say in the beginning this is just the door.

I give the analogy that BDSM is a whole country with many states, and every state has its own dress, language, flag, and behavioral expectations. I explain that BDSM is a huge, wide field and that there is only so much that we can touch on in an hour and a half. So intellectually I know that when someone comes into the class what they want to find out after that is up to them. But I like thinking that I give people that chance to connect the head and the crotch, give them that ember of desire so that they want to seek out the community and themselves. Give them that piece of information that makes them go “Oh-YEA! NOW that makes sense.” OR even better “Oh YEA-now I make sense.”

I just don’t think that I did that this time.

Somehow I missed the boat.

I guess it was bound to happen; a person can only have so many good classes before something goes differently.

I just really hope that I gave them  a good start, maybe they were a stoic group, maybe they weren’t ready,  maybe I just wasn’t a good teacher that day, maybe I couldn’t connect with  where they needed me to  be. As it was my job to do.

I get my feedback forms from them in the next week or so, and so we will see how it went for them. 

I can only hope that there was some grains planted, that there were some things that were discussed, or felt, or brought up, or experienced that will turn into what they need it to be.

This weights heavy on my heart.

Taboo Accomplished

I didn’t know how this was going to go. The day of the water sports workshop I was so nervous that I didn’t want to eat breakfast. My slave worked on the house and I got up a little later and got the space ready. 

We have a back courtyard that is privacy fenced so I put up a curtain over the open spot where the door will eventually go, and I roped off and hung blankets over a section around the tree for a privacy area.

I wanted to create as many possibilities for people to be comfortable as possible. So I waited and soon people started to arrive.  It was an intimate group, and we sat and talked for a long time. We discussed urine, its properties, the good, the bad, things to be concerned about, as well as the joy/fantasy/and reality of water sports. 

It was really intense, and the group was amazingly candid and open. Everyone participated and shared their thoughts, longings, and experiences. 

Having never done this before, I was honest- I didn’t know what to expect- I didn’t know what to think, or what this would mean for me and my slave.  It was all just new. 

After a time we all went outside and the presenter dropped trow and showed us how it was done. After a little time my slave said that she wanted to try it.  I was surprised that she was willing to do it, publically, and openly. It was something about the crowd, how supportive they were, how joyful they were, and how knowledgeable the presenters were. It was all so -   open.

And so we did it.

My pee was a little hesitant at first to come out- I didn’t know if I could do it- but one of the attendees jumped into a nearby pool and became my pee partner and WHOLA! It happened. As soon  as she peed- it just jump stated my bladder.

Then it really happened.

My slave and I went deeply under right away. It was so intense, I was not prepared to become that glazed over and out if it so quickly. I was able to get her into the shower to wash off, into a robe, and then get her something to eat and drink. After that I just kind of stared. 

Honestly, I was so out of it that I was surprised I remembered my way back from the kitchen to the place where she was sitting to bring her some food. The presenters brought me a plate of food and something to drink. (The food by the way ---was incredible!!!) My slave and I sat and ate and remained in this happy glowy state of euphoria. I don’t remember what was talked about by the group at that time. 

Then as things were winding down I said “is there anything that anyone else would like to discuss or experience here?” There was some hesitation on the part of one of the attendees until my slave looked over and said “Do you want to be peed on?” And they said yes and were up and  naked in no time.

Then we all did another round of peeing, talking, laughing and loving each other. 

It was tremendously supportive, tremendously mind blowing, very emotional and deeply moving.

Afterwards I kind of needed some time. People were talking and laughing and enjoying each other. I went into the back ground and took things down and packed food in the kitchen. 

I just needed to get my head around what had happened over the last few hours, trying to let myself feel everything that this taboo play had brought out in me.

Trying to understand myself, my slave and my experience. 

This taboo, once so far from what I would ever want to experience, left me in this state of delirium and euphoria. So different than I ever thought would happen.

I am still trying to get my head around that day.

What I am so joyous about – more than anything- was the amount of love, candor, support, and openness that the crowd had for each other. 

That was and still is overwhelming. 

Thank you so much  to  IMsL2004 and NoirLoba for presenting, and thank  you so  much  to my amazing slave,  BW and V for making this day unforgettable.

BDSM in Quotes

“A Master is not someone who merely revels in the benefits that he reaps from the power and control that he wields over his sub. A Master is not just an automaton who emotionally doles out orders and watches with amusement as his minions perform his bidding. A Master is not a person who only relishes the benefits that his superior status entitles him.

Certainly all of these characteristics could and often do exist within a Master. He may be demanding and at times selfish. He may genuinely enjoy and even be aroused by the power that he has over a sub. He may be able to expertly control his emotions, issuing his commands and enforcing his discipline with stone-faced determination.

But a true Master, a Master such as Matt, was so invested in his sub that he was actually in a way a slave himself. He was a slave to his love for me. He was a slave to his responsibility. He was a slave to the passion and the commitment. He was a slave to his overwhelming desire to protect his property at all costs. He was a slave to his slave. I knew without questions that he loved me so much he'd literally lay down his life for me. He owned me, and his ownership owned him”
― Jeff Erno, Puppy Love 2: Building a Family 




 “It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.”
― Joan Rivers


 “If my Master is lost, I'll find him. I'll lead him back to himself, because to serve doesn't always mean to follow.”
― Joey W. Hill, Hostile Takeover 



 “Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow.”
― Cherise Sinclair, Breaking Free 



 “It felt like he’d been dragged through the nine circles of hell — by his testicles.”
― Kay Berrisford, Bound for the Forest



 
 “Fear triggers the fight-or-flight response, fueled by adrenaline, which, as it turns out, is chemically related to amphetamines. Granted, it's a very different kind of high for mindfuckers: not a mellow, floaty "my vulva is one with the universe" high but a jittery, revved-up "oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck" kind of high. Endorphins are like great downers but adrenaline is uppers all the way. And it's just as addictive. Don't believe me? Go ask anyone who likes to jump off bridges or out of airplanes. - Edge”
― Tristan Taormino, The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge 


 “That's what's so ironic about the conservative backlash against BDSMers. With increased visibility comes increased bigotry, and conservatives continue to rally against kinky events by local groups to get them shut down. What the anti-kink fanatics don't understand about us is that we're geeks. Sex nerds. SM intellectuals. We pay money to spend a weekend going to classes.”
― Tristan Taormino, The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge 


 “But, chiquita, you must understand that while you are here, I expect you to come to me and share your fears. Even if I am the one causing them.”
― Cherise Sinclair



 “Sticks and Stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me.
So throw me down, tie me up,
and show me how you like me.”
― Skye Eagleday, Dark Passions: Dark Romance Boxed Set