Loving Questions

I am very fortunate to teach classes at Self Serve.  I keep a part at the end where I hand out paper and a pen, so that people can ask questions anonymously. Just in case there was something that they really wanted to know, but where to self conscious or afraid to  ask. Here are some of the questions that I have been asked over the years. They come from different classes. 

1) Can we laugh together?

(This was most likely from  a find your inner Dominant class,  where I ask people to  access the part of them  that wants something and to  ask  for it without any misgivings, apologies,  or fear. For some this can very hard. It isn’t where people will stay, but it does a lot to access the dominate side of themselves in that moment.)  

Yes, laugh, please laugh. Let your dominance be multifaceted. Remember this is ultimately about finding and loving new parts of each other, and with laughter you can almost never go wrong.

2) How to assess/assert bringing pain?

First off, know that everyone is different, so each new play partner will be a new road map, and although general rules apply, not every rule applies to every person. Some may be able to take pain and not want it, others may not be able to take pain and want it. Start slow and build gradually. Feel your comfort zone and talk and talk and talk.  Learn how to identify changes in the skin, changes in the partner, and over time build skill it every tool you use.

3) What is the difference between using restraints and not?

For some restraints lead to instant sub space, and for others they are sensory overload and/or a trigger.  Some Domes love them; others don’t bother and want the psychological restraint instead.  There are many different types of restraints, some work on some people and some don’t. Play with them, but start with something that you have around the house before you go into buying a set of cuffs, as they can be expensive. Anything will work from  extension cords,  to  a belt,  to (I know,  don’t gag) scarves. Make sure to keep emergency  MEDICAL scissors by your side. (They have blunted ends.)

4) Is it possible to have a true D/s relationship with a brat?

Yes. But not with me.  People are able to have D/s relationships with brats and find them very fulfilling. I am not one o f those people.

5) Is a “D” type who bottoms looked at negatively?

That is hard to say. What I do know is that there isn’t as a hard limit as it was years ago, where D types that bottomed where run out of the community.  But D types that do not identify as switches that bottom publicly are treated defiantly.  It is subtle but it is there.

6) How to address affection to a sub?

Every sub is different; first off ask the sub what type of affection speaks to them. Verbal, physical, a gift, a nickname, a swat on the butt? Because we all interpret emotional intake differently, you could think that you are being affectionate and they interpret it as annoying or needy.  Talk first, clarify, get answers before you assume. 

The Do’s and Don’ts of Behavioral Conditioning

So much of what we do is that thin line between abuse and not abuse.  I once asked the question at an AEL munch I was presenting at “what separates BDSM from abuse”? The answer “consent”.  Well, yes and no. Just because someone consents to something does not mean that it is not abuse. 

It just means that the bottom consented to what they thought it would be. It starts as consent in the beginning and then turns into coercion over time. So the idea that the possibility that the bottom is being abused becomes muddled in the emotions of “I said it was ok”, “I agreed to this”, and onto “I deserve this”, and “My Top knows when to stop/knows what is right”.   But the training starts to come with an uneasy feeling. Something a person can’t really put their finger on at first.  

So what brings this conversation to a head is the excellent Wet Munch presentation by Atolla on behavioral conditioning. This is a tricky thing.  How do we take something that we in BDSM, every day, IE behavioral conditioning, and separate it from something abusive?

After all, behavioral conditioning is what abusers do. A smack here, a degrading word there, an explosion of emotion that the partner is responsible for and pays the price by taking a beating. This can go  either way. 

How it is that different from what reasonable BDSM players do? Using play, scening, punishments, and, yes, manipulation to create a different emotional response to behavior is at the core of a lot of what we do. Just because the bottom consents, do not mean that it isn’t abusive. 

Atolla brought up a very powerful point in her talk.  She said that it was her responsibility to make sure that her bottoms were capable and able to function well in their other/next relationships (assuming that they don’t stay together). For her, the line of what separates behavioral conditioning from abuse came down to: is she destroying the person or creating something that they as bottoms can build on in the future? 

Powerful point.

When I take the idea of behavioral training apart- this is what I think makes it healthy, and separates it from abuse. 

1) If the focus is on changing behavior and NOT controlling emotion. (You can train someone how to properly serve tea; you can’t train someone to enjoy it.) 

2) If the training is about something that the bottom can legitimately control. (A bottom cannot control how a Top feels- behavioral training that is centered on how changing the Top feels is abuse.) 

3) If the training is consensual to the point where the bottom can stop it at any time and is encouraged to do so. (Training that the bottom  cannot stop  that  is made to take the bottom down, push buttons, or force a break is not training. That is using the bottom as an emotional punching bag.)

4) The training makes the bottom feels more successful, empowered, and connected to themselves and their Top. Not just the first time, but every time. (It is easy to get swept up in the emotions of a new relationship and have that carry the bottom. It is another thing entirely to do training sessions that have the same empowering feel six years later.)

Healthy training means that: Bottoms looks forward to their training, are successful because of their training, and have a greater sense of self esteem because of their training.

So how does this fit with an M/s dynamic? Where the feelings of the Master are the drive of the relationship.  Well, good question.

Just because I am a Master does not mean that I am not accountable for me.  How I feel is still my responsibility. My slave signed up to serve, she did not sign up to be accountable for things she cannot control. Serving me does NOT mean that I am  always right, it does not mean that she is responsible for making me feel  good, and it does not mean  that she is to take whatever I dish  out just because she is my slave. 

It does mean that together we love, flourish, and grow in our dynamic. It means that both of us are better people became of it. It does mean that we enjoy our dynamic because it isn’t used to stop our growth as people.   

The control that I have is over the things that make me happy, and seeing her flourish and grow makes me happy. 

Dick Divination

AEL has wonderful parties! There are some things that I have come to expect as absolutes.  Good food, good fun, good conversation, excellent play, and I almost always learn something new.  The interesting thing is that you never really know where the parties will go by the end of the night. It starts as it always does, but the ending is never predictable.  

This time we had a wonderful fellow whom I will call “Space Guy” at the party. He had recently gotten back from some traveling across the globe, specifically, Edinburgh, Amsterdam and Rome. He had gotten toys from all of these places,  it was fascinating!  The toys aren’t necessarily made different, but It got me to thinking about what toys are considered the necessities for people around the globe.

 At one point he offered a gift to me and my slave. A huge dildo from Amsterdam. I jumped on it. Hell- to- the- YES!  When did I ever think that I would own a magnificent toy from half way across the globe! Not ordered from there, but actually bought there! 

My slave was enthralled! As soon as she had her hands on it, she ripped it open, licked the suction cup on the back, and ceremoniously stuck it to the wall. It hung there dancing and bobbing form side to side. Then my slave grabbed a sharpie and drew a face, complete with mustache, on the tip and legs onto the testicales.  It kept bobbing; it looked like it was walking. 

Then she started inviting people to come up, ask the dick a question, smack the disk, and then she and WhipDaddy would interpret the unknown question. And Whoola- Dick Divination was born!!! (Also known as Phallomancy, to  the more exclusive crowds). Many of the interpretations boiled down to “yes” and then “no” and then “maybe”, or “possibly could be”. 

It is quite possible that the dick was nervous, this being its first time and all. So -- performance anxiety.  

Don’t forget the language barrier, as they speak Amsterdam-ease in Amsterdam, and we speak English.  

I can only say that it was well- unreal in so many ways. 

So for those of you that missed it, here are some pictures taken post AEL party. 

A don’t you worry- it will be use for its intended purposes!

Dick  Divination awaits you!

It calls to  you!  ASK ME!!!!

How can  you resist that face!!!  

The Legs

Yea, Asshole, I'm taking about you

We are hosting this round of AEL play parties and loving it! I enjoy the process from beginning to end. I even like the reading of the rules.  It grounds me in a way. It gets people thinking about their behavior and it reminds us all that we are responsible to and for each other. That means all of us, no matter how many years in.  I have heard people complain about the reading of the rules over the years. Roll their eyes, bitch about how they are SOOOO OVERDONE and they take SOOOO LONG.

The only thing I can think when I hear this is that if people would treat others right in the first place, then we wouldn’t need to read the rules.  But we are not that lucky.   

I honestly don’t know how Whipdaddy does it and maintains his sanity. Even though the rules are very specific, they are still broken. Over and over again. 

The same sense of entitlement that a person feels that allows them to justify not listening to the rules, is the same sense of entitlement that allows them to not listen to someone saying no. They know better, the rules don’t apply to them, listening to behavioral expectations is beneath them. They are the exception that know the one true way! 

Now – just so you are aware- these are all things that my slave and I have experienced personally, or have been present when they have occurred in other host homes, recently. As in within the last year.  People who say things that are offensive or derogatory including (but not limited to) the “N” word, people who interrupt scenes, interrupt aftercare, touch collars, don’t take no for an answer. People who break things and don’t tell the hosts, people who out others in public (has happened to me more than once at my job). 

These things still happen. So next time you roll your eyes at the rules, stop what you are doing and actually listen to them. Consider where they came from, and more importantly understand that these offenses still happen.  If you think yourself above the rules, then there is a good chance that the rules are there because of you in the first place. 

Just saying.

The other thing that the reading of the rules does is create a chain of command.  If you are paying attention, there is no doubt who you go to in the event something happens. The interesting thing there is that people don’t use it.  Instead of handling the issue right there right then, they wait. Sometimes a day, sometimes more, to tell the AEL leadership about what happened. 

I didn’t understand that for a long time, until something happened to me. It was a breaking of the rules. The very explicit rules.

 I got confused as to what to do next, what was the right thing. I didn’t want to ruin the feel of the event, so I just left. On the way home I called Whipdaddy and let him know what was up.  I figured the quicker he knew the better, and it all ended up alright. But I couldn’t deal with it right then. I needed to get out before I was able to talk. It was all handled, and handled well, but now I understand better why people wait. 

So next time they are reading the rules and you are too busy bitching to listen, just know this, when we as a community talk about how to spot a dangerous player, we will be talking about you.