I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html

Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us

I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information!
The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!

If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:


If you are interested in active online community please find:


Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:

Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers

Albuquerque Kinksters

KinkySpot Clubhouse

Albuquerque Master/slave forum

New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More

Friday, June 24, 2016

The Fire and the Hill (REPOST)

How do you accept transition? 

I guess for me it depends on how deeply the transition affects my identity. My transition into leather was overall fairly smooth. I let myself gradually experience this. I focused on letting myself understand my connection to power without trying to force myself into being something that I wasn’t. It wasn’t always that smooth. Sometimes I did try to force myself, just to see what I could do or how something would feel. But always I came back  to  myself- a little different then  I was before-  but myself none  the less.

I was lucky. Not just lucky, extremely lucky. Not only did I have the obligation of working two jobs and going to school full time, I had an amazing slave that backed me with all of her love and support. My slave was vested in my process no matter how slow or how frustrating it was for her.
In retrospect my time limits where a blessing for me.
It forced me to go slow- take in what was happening to me and how I felt about it. 

What was very different was when I came out as a lesbian, which happened before I came onto BDSM. When I came out as a lesbian, I did it through my first wife. 

I so wanted to be that lesbian that I heard about- self assured, knowledgeable, comfortable. But that was not what it was, what I was. When I first came out I pushed myself into being a femme- even though I didn’t know what that meant. I had no real understanding of gender variances at that time.

 I only knew that what I was doing didn’t really feel right. I just kept thinking that it would feel better over time as things changed, as the relationship changed, as I grew. I thought that I could grow into this person, but in the back of my mind where those doubts as the relationship with my ex wife became more volatile, more public and more difficult inside and out.

Part of it was me fighting her; part of it was me fighting myself. 

I wanted more, I needed more. I became more volatile and emotionally unstable as my sense of self disintegrated. I knew that what I was doing, were I was going, what I was experiencing was all more and more in conflict with who I was and what I felt was right.

So I got more aggressive, I got angry, I got hostile.  I became extremely unbalanced and I knew it.  So I   fought for balance. And while that was happening I was reactionary, I was unpredictable, I was emotionally labile- as the fight for my sense of self waged war against what I was making myself do, making myself endure, making myself justify.

The internal visceral  questions of who  am  I, what does all of this mean  and most importantly how long can I do this before who  I am, or who  I think I am   is gone completely. And once that happens, what will be left?

For those of you that have never had to choose your sexuality, your gender, your way that conflicted with everything that you knew, believed, was surrounded by, never had to go against the grains of your life’s expectations- I don’t expect you to understand what I am talking about.

 You have just had different things to risk in your life then I have.

But for those of you that have had to risk everything for your sense of self, had to put your entire raw being out there, only to see that who you were becoming was not who you so passionately wanted to be- 

you understand what I am saying here.

So when someone comes to me and they are a woman who is new to desiring women, or new to leather, I stand back.  I hold their hand. I do not have sex with or play with them. I let them know that this can be a very rocky road of self discovery- the good, the bad and the ugly. 

But even if they go back to being straight, or vanilla or whatever, the rewards of knowing who they are --just a little bit better ---is always worth it.

I see them go through their stages, but it is only when they hit their stage of fear does how their ability to deal with the reality of their transition come to light. 

Fear, and the emotional responses that happen because of fear, are who you are in crisis. It is easy to put on a brave happy face, when things are easy and when people feel secure. But when someone is consumed with fear, doubt, change, and insecurity, who they really are comes out. Some people are defensive, angry, pushy, entitled. 
Others are introspective, thoughtful, conscientious, but removed. And others are a number of things that they have to be to feel safe.

It is not until they get past that stage can they put together any type of reason-- any type of self awareness that is based in reality. Until then it is only  raw and pure emotion.

So what is my point here?

My point is that with the newbie’s, they are, at any age, a ball of emotion that has no beginning and no end, only a middle of exploding fire. They don’t have the ability to reason --so be reason for them. They don’t have the ability to see past their own emotions, wants and desires- so see that for them.

Help them to know that on the other side of that emotion is a long haul of self reflection, introspection and confusion.  But that they are not alone.

I wish that someone would have been able do that for me.  I wish that someone would have sat there for me and said “you can’t see over this hill, but I can, and you are not alone, not now and not at the other side of that hill.”

Two years ago this happened to me again. I was in the eye of a hurricane of self doubt and confusion. Everything that I knew about myself, or wanted to know about myself was not true. I became emotionally, physically labile and volatile. I was unpredictable, harsh, abusive, and without reason. I was again in this place of unknowing who I was, what I was or where I was going. I would scream, lash out, and then lay in bed staring blankly for hours, unable to move.

The difference was that two years ago I had those that surrounded me in my fire of emotion and anger and held my hand and said. “We will see you though.”

They loved me anyway.
They saw me through some of the darkest hours of my adult life.

How blessed am I that I was surrounded by that love, by that resilience, by that courage to see the other side of the hill for me when I could only see my own circle of fire.

I owe that to others now.

What I was given, what I was blessed with.

I owe that to others coming up behind me, asking questions, rolling out of control. I owe that to others- to see their hill when they can only see their fire.

How blessed am I.
Thank you to my slave, to my SM.

Thank you for not giving up on my transition, and seeing me though when I was blinded by smoke.

And to those out there - remember while you are in the ball of fire- there is the hill. And you are not alone.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

The road seems too long

I don’t know how to talk about this. I don’t know how to feel. When it first happened my very advanced slave was in shock, but quickly regained her emotional side and she started to grieve. I, on the other hand, ignored it, stuffed it. And sure as shit like clockwork my anger, fear, and pain started coming out in inappropriate ways. 

I was angry at work for no reason, frustrated for nothing, I was sullen and withdrawn and finally yesterday the real anger came to the surface. I was snappish and dark. I am not like my slave in many ways, one of which is that she is in touch with how she feels. For me, when it is too deep, too painful- I can’t always deal right away. 

So this is how I am trying to  deal  with  how I am  not letting myself feel --- through  this- through  writing. 

I don’t know how successful I will be. 

The first thing that I think is that the shootings at Pulse in Orlando, a club that not only opened when we were there, but we had gone to,  makes me feel so deeply isolated from the rest of the world.  It is the reminder of how hated my slave and I are, how different we are, and will always be.  

The false sense of safety is shattered. I have not wanted my slave to go out. To be a target. 

I know that the straights are really trying to be allies. I know you are.  So please don’t take what I am writing the wrong way.  Because this isn’t about you- although your allegiance with me, with us, has enriched our lives beyond measure. 

The queer leadership in Albuquerque has been phenomenal. They have been putting on dances and vigils since it happened. They have show how we can still come together. 

Tonight is the AEL play party. I don’t know how am going to keep it together.  Being around people. 

I’m  feeling like I want to  stay at home, love on  my horses, keep  my wife and slave safe and try to not feel  too  much.

Pulse opened in 2004. My slave and I were in Florida at the time. I remember Pulse distinctly  because the club  we all went to  “Faces” ( which was where my slave and I met)  was concerned about losing business to  the new,  young, and instantly popular hangout. We went to Pulse together and sometimes my slave went without me.  It was a huge space, well taken care of and owned by a woman who had lost her bother a decade earlier to AIDS. 

I am struggling dealing with not feeling safe, and being easily triggered, and easily upset. 

I spent time with the horses today. Grooming them, talking, it helped.  

Tonight at AEL will help to, in its own way. 

I am sorry that I am not more- together- literate- or intentional with what I am saying.

I think  that what I am  trying to  say most of all  is  as much  as violence is a daily part of being gay,  I thought that after we got the federal  right to marry, that something would have changed. 

The road seems too long.  And I am too tired to travel. 

Saturday, June 11, 2016



Friday, June 10, 2016


The new horse came in last month.  She is stunning, soft, big, and really breathtaking. I have wanted a black Percheron since I was a kid. The power of them in movies and pictures has always caught my breath.  So this year, after we got the truck, the idea of finally getting what I have wanted for such a long time became a possibilities.

Rainey, the race horse, has been successfully re-homed. She is getting the work that her heart had always truly craved.  I cried a little. It was sweet and perfect as in so many ways.  I got to be her rest time. Her rehab. We fed her twice a day and the neighbors fed her twice a day.  LOL.

So when Suzy came to us, now named Angel, I was overwhelmed. First from the guilt, financially we are paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes paycheck to oh shit. So  how could I have made such  a reckless financial  decision  to  get myself such  an  expensive thing. And the amount of hay that she goes through. She doesn’t eat like a horse, she eats likes three horses. We go through one 150 pound bale a day. 

So I struggled with that. Then she was a little more food aggressive then I thought, and decided that fences were for pussies.  When we got the call from our very patient neighbors that she had torn down their fence and was now in their yard. I ran home as fast as I could from work and put up the hot wire. That is what made a world of difference.  At the time we only had enough to hot wire to cover the space between us and the neighbors and not the whole pasture.  

So the day I got paid, I came home from work and Angel was on the road. Out of the pasture, out of our yard, and on the road.  I picked up more hot wire that night and my slave and I worked for three hours hot wiring the whole pasture.  

She may weigh 1800 pounds but she respects that thin wire of electricity. 

It was when I knew that she was going to be safe that I was able to relax a little more. 

But still, I didn’t go to and work with her. I just couldn’t.

I had all of this baggage from Rainey. All of this over ridding stuff that seemed like a mountain of doubt, fear, and reservation. If Angel did what Rainey did, I couldn’t keep her. I knew that.  So  I just didn’t work  with  Angel because I couldn’t face  the possibility of what  “could be”. 

I couldn’t face that I had made a terrible mistake. That not only sunk us financially but also showed that I truly wasn’t who I thought I was.  I know that Rainey’s behavior was really because of me. So the fear that this meant that Angel to would follow the same path was more then I could take. And then I would have no choice. I would have to get rid of her and walk away from the horse person in me.  

I have also made the decision that she will be my last horse.  That after Pokey goes and Angel goes, I am hanging up my harness.

So there was a lot more riding on her behavior that I wanted to admit. 

Last week I lay in bed. It was 2 in the afternoon and I was trying to get my head around getting out to the pasture and doing at least something. When my slave came in.

Coming over to the bed, she sat down. And she said the words of love that we all need from time to time. “I am doing an intervention.” I pulled the covers off my head and looked at her. “Go outside. Go and see her.” 

I knew that she was right. And little by little my slave helped me get up and put on clothes and shoes, and go outside. 

I got them both, Pokey and Angel. I tied Pokey but then I couldn’t tie Angel. The fear had me, if she pulled back, if she because dangerous, that was going to be the end.

I walked her around for a few minutes then, taking a deep breath, I tied her. 

She didn’t move. She just stood there and farted. 

I walked away into the barn to go get something that I had forgotten, she didn’t pull back.

I stood in front of her, raised my arms, held a whip, and even touched her face with the whip. Nothing, well, she farted. 

My slave came out and took pictures. I was so sure that her panic would come. I brushed Pokey, but was keenly aware of Angels every move behind me. Waiting for the behavior to start. 

The whole day went peacefully, she ate her cookies, listened when I asked her to more over, and didn’t fuss about. She stood quietly and waited.  

I waited to, I was ready.  When it was over and the day had ended.  I needed to get them both back  into  pasture. 

At first I was going to take them both to the pasture together. I said to myself, if she is going to go nuts, this would be the time.  I didn’t want to risk it. But I told myself, if this is going to happen, I need to know now. So  I took  another deep  breath.

I un-clipped Pokey and led home away, back to the pasture, alone.  Leaving Angel at the cross ties, I couldn’t look at her, I just kept going forward. She didn’t fuss; she just cocked her leg and rested. 

Then I went back  and got her and took  her to  the pasture, no  running me over,  no  jumpiness,  she let the halter fall from  her face and stood there. 

After the whole thing I sat down at the bench by the cross ties. I sat there for a long time. Moishe the dog came and joined me. I petted him. I needed him there.

Tomorrow may be a different story, it will take time for me to trust that she is different, and I am different by default. 

But for right now.  I hold on to that moment on the bench, me and Moishe and a world of possibilities. 

This world that starts by having someone who  believes that you can  get out of bed.  

Rainey with  her sweat marks in  her new home!

Me working with  Pokey as Moishe watches over us all.

I was  working on  Pokey but staying really in tune with  Angel.  Waiting.

                  Angel  responding  to  a request for her attention. 

So  the next day- I did  it for myself. I got up,  got my clothes on, and went outside. It went  smoothly the whole time. Then  a cool  thing happened.  I was taking Pokey back  to pasture, and as I was releasing him  the dogs started barking loud and furious. Angel  was still  tied to  the cross ties.  She raised her head and my breath  stopped. She raised her head high I could hear the chains start to  rattle. 

Then  she stopped. I waited for it,  the inevitable fight,  the  gut wrenching sound of the chains hitting their end point, and the furious ness of a panicked horse using everything they had to  get away. 

It never came.  

She  only took  one step  back, and with  that and her head raising she never did hit the end of the chains.

Thank  you my slave,  my Love.  


Thursday, June 9, 2016


Hello  ALL!

MY slave  has opened her website!!

 There are special  sections for sex workers (Crimson  Goddess),  littles (The TOY BOX---  COMING SOON!) , and  the original  ugly soap  collection (Painted by yours truly--  COMING SOON)!!

Go  here: 


Find this: 

 Blue Berry Bounty Herb Infused Goddess Soap5


arnica and calendula

red jasper2

oshuns breath6

Eve in the Moonlight Herb Infused Soap5

Sunday, June 5, 2016

The meeting

A few months ago there was a disaster that some called a meeting. The two people that called the meeting only invited people that they knew. So I was called by default, as they didn’t know me, but I was a part of something that they did know. I knew it was going to be bad when as everyone took their seats you could have split the room in half. On one side where the whites, mostly hets.  On the other side were the rest of us.  People who weren’t included all, and I do mean NOT AT ALL - where the gays.  

This was a meeting about what to do about predators in the community. 

I had heard all of this before.  The “original” ideas from  the organizers of this meeting  were to  create some sort of vetting system before someone was  allowed  into  the community and  creating a tribunal  or  court system  of sorts to  police our community. 

I was fuming. As the organizers talked what ran through my head was “You are the fuckers who allow drugs and alcohol at your parties.  I’ve been picking up your messes due to NON CONSENT for months.” 

When they refused to  discuss this communities  racial disparities saying it was   a ”rabbit hole” I thought “fuck  decorum.” 

The organizers had no idea about NCSF, KAP, or the abundant resources that those websites provide. Thankfully, and I do mean extremely thankfully, one of the attendees had handouts from both places. As the organizers struggled to build their own information from scratch she was able to say “this has already been done.  And here it is.” 

So these people, some who claim to be sexual resources for this community, had NO IDEA that there were already resources out there.

As they were talking about a vetting system, I asked them about how that was going to work. Specifically and in real time. They said that people would not be able to attended events until they went to one of their classes.   

 So I said “So I have to stop people coming from my personal events until they attend one of your classes? I have to stop new people from coming for a week or month or more until they have attended your classes?” 


Then I said  I said “What if someone has   30  or 40  years experience,  do they  need to  go  to  your class?  Do I need to go? “
They said yes, and why would I not want to go? I just shook my head.

It was when they were talking about a court that I really blew. 
They were asked who would run the court and they generously offered.  

 So I spoke up because at that point I am boiling.  I said “So I am a predator, right here, right now. I am  running events out of my house and I refuse to  come  to your court,  or rather I do,  and refuse to  abide by what you say.  What are you going to do?” 

The room fell silent. 

The talk of putting up a list of “offenders” was very quickly shot down as the legalities and the very real possibilities of being sued for slander were discussed.

The meeting ended and I went to the organizers and I said “where are the Women’s dinner, Daddies, Boys, and Bears? If this is a meeting about this whole community, why weren’t they invited?”

Their answer “well I don’t know them.”

It was the maelstrom of complete stupid that happened after this meeting that made me shake my head.  

The organizers and their cronies went on FET and started talking. 

 As stupid will do.  

 About how they are “the only ones that want to make this community better, and how this community is only run by white male, heteros.  And how they- the one true voice- did their best to make our community safe, but alas, could not.”  Then they left the community.

No shit.

So  let’s be clear here-  the top organizers in  our community are three bisexual  women,  four  lesbians (one of color), four gay men  of color, and two het guys. 

They invited only people that they knew. That means that they only knew---- white, het, men. 

That shows more about their life choice bigotry then it does this about this community.

Secondly I do believe in a safer community.  But I believe in  creating a safe community though  modeling,  providing  classes,  and providing events where people are expected to  be safe and called on  it when  they are not. 

Creating a court means that me and others like me would never be allowed in this community.  All  that it  would take  is the  “court”  having their own  agenda,  and bam  I would be out.  So would my slave, and so would the gays.  

Because they already showed their bigotry and bias by NOT INVITING THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

This community is ONLY as safe as we choose it to be.   
AND when I say “we” I mean YOU. 

The safety of this community boils down to a personal responsibility on each and every one of us.

This community is only as safe as you choose it to be.  

As you push it to be. 

As you hold it accountable to be.  

As you, personally, make to it so that it is.