I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html

Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us

I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information!
The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!

If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:


If you are interested in active online community please find:


Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:

Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers

Albuquerque Kinksters

KinkySpot Clubhouse

Albuquerque Master/slave forum

New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More

Friday, June 24, 2016

The Fire and the Hill (REPOST)

How do you accept transition? 

I guess for me it depends on how deeply the transition affects my identity. My transition into leather was overall fairly smooth. I let myself gradually experience this. I focused on letting myself understand my connection to power without trying to force myself into being something that I wasn’t. It wasn’t always that smooth. Sometimes I did try to force myself, just to see what I could do or how something would feel. But always I came back  to  myself- a little different then  I was before-  but myself none  the less.

I was lucky. Not just lucky, extremely lucky. Not only did I have the obligation of working two jobs and going to school full time, I had an amazing slave that backed me with all of her love and support. My slave was vested in my process no matter how slow or how frustrating it was for her.
In retrospect my time limits where a blessing for me.
It forced me to go slow- take in what was happening to me and how I felt about it. 

What was very different was when I came out as a lesbian, which happened before I came onto BDSM. When I came out as a lesbian, I did it through my first wife. 

I so wanted to be that lesbian that I heard about- self assured, knowledgeable, comfortable. But that was not what it was, what I was. When I first came out I pushed myself into being a femme- even though I didn’t know what that meant. I had no real understanding of gender variances at that time.

 I only knew that what I was doing didn’t really feel right. I just kept thinking that it would feel better over time as things changed, as the relationship changed, as I grew. I thought that I could grow into this person, but in the back of my mind where those doubts as the relationship with my ex wife became more volatile, more public and more difficult inside and out.

Part of it was me fighting her; part of it was me fighting myself. 

I wanted more, I needed more. I became more volatile and emotionally unstable as my sense of self disintegrated. I knew that what I was doing, were I was going, what I was experiencing was all more and more in conflict with who I was and what I felt was right.

So I got more aggressive, I got angry, I got hostile.  I became extremely unbalanced and I knew it.  So I   fought for balance. And while that was happening I was reactionary, I was unpredictable, I was emotionally labile- as the fight for my sense of self waged war against what I was making myself do, making myself endure, making myself justify.

The internal visceral  questions of who  am  I, what does all of this mean  and most importantly how long can I do this before who  I am, or who  I think I am   is gone completely. And once that happens, what will be left?

For those of you that have never had to choose your sexuality, your gender, your way that conflicted with everything that you knew, believed, was surrounded by, never had to go against the grains of your life’s expectations- I don’t expect you to understand what I am talking about.

 You have just had different things to risk in your life then I have.

But for those of you that have had to risk everything for your sense of self, had to put your entire raw being out there, only to see that who you were becoming was not who you so passionately wanted to be- 

you understand what I am saying here.

So when someone comes to me and they are a woman who is new to desiring women, or new to leather, I stand back.  I hold their hand. I do not have sex with or play with them. I let them know that this can be a very rocky road of self discovery- the good, the bad and the ugly. 

But even if they go back to being straight, or vanilla or whatever, the rewards of knowing who they are --just a little bit better ---is always worth it.

I see them go through their stages, but it is only when they hit their stage of fear does how their ability to deal with the reality of their transition come to light. 

Fear, and the emotional responses that happen because of fear, are who you are in crisis. It is easy to put on a brave happy face, when things are easy and when people feel secure. But when someone is consumed with fear, doubt, change, and insecurity, who they really are comes out. Some people are defensive, angry, pushy, entitled. 
Others are introspective, thoughtful, conscientious, but removed. And others are a number of things that they have to be to feel safe.

It is not until they get past that stage can they put together any type of reason-- any type of self awareness that is based in reality. Until then it is only  raw and pure emotion.

So what is my point here?

My point is that with the newbie’s, they are, at any age, a ball of emotion that has no beginning and no end, only a middle of exploding fire. They don’t have the ability to reason --so be reason for them. They don’t have the ability to see past their own emotions, wants and desires- so see that for them.

Help them to know that on the other side of that emotion is a long haul of self reflection, introspection and confusion.  But that they are not alone.

I wish that someone would have been able do that for me.  I wish that someone would have sat there for me and said “you can’t see over this hill, but I can, and you are not alone, not now and not at the other side of that hill.”

Two years ago this happened to me again. I was in the eye of a hurricane of self doubt and confusion. Everything that I knew about myself, or wanted to know about myself was not true. I became emotionally, physically labile and volatile. I was unpredictable, harsh, abusive, and without reason. I was again in this place of unknowing who I was, what I was or where I was going. I would scream, lash out, and then lay in bed staring blankly for hours, unable to move.

The difference was that two years ago I had those that surrounded me in my fire of emotion and anger and held my hand and said. “We will see you though.”

They loved me anyway.
They saw me through some of the darkest hours of my adult life.

How blessed am I that I was surrounded by that love, by that resilience, by that courage to see the other side of the hill for me when I could only see my own circle of fire.

I owe that to others now.

What I was given, what I was blessed with.

I owe that to others coming up behind me, asking questions, rolling out of control. I owe that to others- to see their hill when they can only see their fire.

How blessed am I.
Thank you to my slave, to my SM.

Thank you for not giving up on my transition, and seeing me though when I was blinded by smoke.

And to those out there - remember while you are in the ball of fire- there is the hill. And you are not alone.


  1. Thank you for opening yourself up and sharing the things that you do share with us and all that you do for people! I have been traveling for a bit so I am sitting down today and catching up on the blogs that I have missed, It is something that actually look forward to doing. You are a good person and you do a lot of wonderful things for others just by being you and sharing and caring ....Thank you so much!

  2. Dearest Butterfly:) Thank you so much for your words, They mean so much to me, it also means the worlds to me that with your limited time you would spend that reading this!!! Hugz and Luv!

  3. Your quite welcome! It is impossible for me to describe to you what your blog means to me! Hugz and love right back at you!