Transparency

I had the best time at the last AEL munch!  It featured Lady golden and slave lou talking about M/s relationships.  There was a lot that I took away from that night, and am still thinking about!

At one point they covered the importance of being transparent, in other words being open, honest and frank about your needs and expectations.  

So about a week or so ago I started to write a piece on transparency, and I found that I was really stuck. I just couldn’t put it together in my head. Every time I tried to write about how the concept applies in my life I came up empty. 

At that point  I  decided to ask my slave  what she thought,  because I was searching for some insight into why I was struggling with this concept so much. So I took a deep breath and asked her “Am I transparent?”

she paused and said:     “No.  But that is not a bad thing.  But you are adorable!! Does that substitute?”  she smiled as I took this in and said  “Well, your rage is transparent.  Your anger, annoyance and frustration those are pretty transparent.”    

After a little more thought she added:   “You are transparent to me, but we have been together for ten years. So certain things that you do and certain things that you say are transparent to me.”

I was concerned about what that might mean to her, so I said “But I am not deceptive to you.”

she answered    “No you are not, there is a difference.  I think transparency is a goal to attain, but I think if you hit a wall, because being transparent means you are a level of vulnerability that you are uncomfortable with or are triggered, it is not something that you can attain. It might not be something that you can ever attain, and that is ok.”

I asked for her to explain some more and she continued: 

“I think that there are different types of transparency, there is situational transparency then there is 24/7 transparency and there is relationship based transparency. When it comes to us you are, for the most part, 24/7 transparent, but that is because I make an effort to get to know you.  I make an effort to look for signs of where you are, even when you are not aware of them. It is kind of like an emotional version of anticipatory service.  When you tell me you are ok but you do this mouth twitch thing, I know that you are not.  There are a lot of signs in your body language that I look for, and to me after being with you for ten years, that makes you transparent. That makes you glaringly obvious.  To me you are transparent because I recognize what your mouth is doing, your voice is doing, and you are not able to hide those things.”

I knew exactly what she was talking about, when asked I will always say that things are ok, even if they aren’t, or I am not. It is an automatic reaction that I hold on to, almost like if I say that everything is ok then they will be.  But the reaction isn’t always honest.

she continues:   “I think when we are talking about relationship transparency I think that means that you are transparent as you can be in front of a select group of people and only when you feel safe.  You are as transparent as you can ever be in front of Whipdaddy, but he also recognizes when you are not ok. Most of us can’t be transparent all of the time including in the majority of our relationships, but not being transparent doesn’t mean being deceptive. Sometimes a lack of transparency is necessary for financial, emotional and social survival. The important thing is learning to recognize when being transparent is going to be safe. To recognize when your transparency is going to be honored and respected.”

I know that when I am facing being transparent I often look at the other person and over read them. If they look away from me, seem not interested or bored, don’t ask me questions about what I am saying (that is the biggie) or automatically change the conversation to themselves, I will stop and go back to being guarded.  At that point I will change the conversation and put it back on them, relieving me from being transparent.  If I don’t feel heard and supported, then I will emotionally block and it will take a long time before I will try with that person again.

So I asked her:  “Don’t you think that transparency is important in intimate relationships, like between me and you?”

And she said:   “Yes, but the work doesn’t end with being transparent, once you are transparent the question becomes are you going to allow the other person to address the needs that are made obvious by that transparency.  None of that matters if the partner that is being transparent will not let the other partner move forward with what they are seeing.  So you are transparent but you aren’t letting the partner use that transparency,   and that can be just as ineffective as not being transparent at all, because the end result is still the same.  

So when I recognize that you are moving into a space when you are going to need attention that will ensure your physical or emotional safety and you are not able to let me, you are transparent. But if I am not able to move forward on that transparency to comfort you or do the necessary steps to create a safe space, then the end result for me is still the same. I view your vulnerability as meaning you are going to need to be safe and for me that means I need to do certain things for you to be safe. But there are times where you won’t let me do those things.  At that point transparency doesn’t matter.“

I could see where she was coming from, for me it is a push to be that open, so to be that open and need her help is many times a lot more then I can handle. Luckily my slave is patient and attentive, so when I say “no I don’t need help”, she will usually wait and see if I change my mind or if I can handle her helping me a little later.

she continues:  “Transparency also does not mean that the person being transparent does not have to do the work.  They still have to do their own emotional work, and sometimes there is a disconnect in the relationship because one person feels that by being transparent that they don’t have to pick up their own emotional self.  They feel that if they are transparent it is someone else’s job to make them feel better. When in reality being transparent means you are still responsible for your own emotions. In both of these situations when the person wants someone else to do the work, or wants someone to do nothing, the hard part is that there has to be communication about that. 

When there is transparency in a relationship both parties have a job and that needs to be communicated. The one being transparent and the one recognizing that transparency, if you don’t want help say it, or if you want help learn the boundaries of the help that you want.  Perhaps a person is offering too much help, or their help is taking away from your feeling of empowerment.   That is how I made my peace with you not needing help when you are transparent, there is a recognition that the help that I was offering was going to take away from the empowerment that you needed when you are vulnerable.  But in that case you didn’t tell me, I had to get there on my own.“

Although I agreed with her here, I do feel that for myself at least, a lot of times I don’t even know what I need. Sometimes just the act of being transparent is so taxing that just getting thorough that is all that I can focus on.  But what this conversation did do was open my eyes a little more about the type of emotional work that my slave does around and for me. 

Honestly speaking I love listening to my slave talk, her insight and knowledge are a great challenge to me. And I feel very lucky to be with someone who understands that when I say fine and then do that mouth thing   that fine really doesn’t mean fine…….

BDSM revisionist history

For my slave’s birthday I took her to the ABO ruins in Mountainair. (For the record her birthday is the only time I hate being this poor.) 

The ruins had been an established and bustling community for generations until the 1660’s when they were taken over by a Spanish priest.  Within 75 years a drought had forced the town to move to the Rio Grande. In the 1800’s settlers came and homesteaded the ruins. Those homesteaders are still there and living on site.

When we went to the ruins we were unprepared for the extreme racism of the revisionist history in both the pamphlet that served as the monuments guide as well as the big freestanding placards that stood on the trail. It was unreal. It talked at length about how the Spanish priest designed and “built"  the town. Not that he was building over native sacred sites or that it was the slave labor and forced Indian converts that actually built the site. 

It talked about how the kiva (?)     (And that is how it was spelled at the grounds “ kiva (?)"  )  was probably not a kiva, even though it was shaped like a kiva, had prominent ground like a kiva, and had a hole for smoke like a kiva. When the kiva(?)  was excavated it was found full of trash and no one could figure out what that meant. A kiva full of trash and they didn’t know what that could mean...... 

All of the priest’s quarters had backdoor secret entrances. (Their words not mine.  “Secret” entrances.)  I could go on, but the placards with the very happy Indians smiling at the priest and thrilled to be kneeling on the ground during mass still burns in my mind. 

Finally to add insult to end all insults, one of the Spanish homesteaders is buried on site and their grave is kept spotless and memorialized.

All of this got me thinking- what are we going to say about our own history 200 years from now?

Already as we look at our history it is blurred and skewed. It is difficult to separate what actually happened from fiction, literally.

According to Wikipedia- (I’m not a scholar here so doesn’t expect me to site a historian from Brown, Harvard, or Yale.)

1)  One of the oldest graphical proofs of sadomasochistic activities is found in an Etruscan burial site in Tarquinia. Inside the Tomba della Fustigazione (Tomb of Flogging), in the latter sixth century B.C., two men are portrayed flagellating a woman with a cane and a hand during an erotic situation.

2) Another reference related to flagellation is to be found in the sixth book of the Satires of the ancient Roman Poet Juvenal (1st–2nd century A.D.), further reference can be found in Petronius's Satyricon where a delinquent is whipped for sexual arousal.

3) Anecdotal narratives related to humans who have had themselves voluntary bound, flagellated or whipped as a substitute for sex or as part of foreplay reach back to the third and fourth century

4) Historians attribute Kamasutra to be composed between 400 BCE and 200 CE.  It describes four different kinds of hitting during lovemaking, the allowed regions of the human body to target and different kinds of joyful "cries of pain" practiced by bottoms.

5) There are anecdotal reports of people willingly being bound or whipped, as a prelude to or substitute for sex, during the 14th century.

6) Some sources claim that BDSM as a distinct form of sexual behavior originated at the beginning of the 18th century when Western civilization began medically and legally categorizing sexual behavior.

So if the westernization of BDSM was what is considered the beginning, then you can count on revisionist and racist history, it is one of the few things that we do consistently well.   BDSM did not start in the West, it started in far off countries, centuries ago, by people of color.  For centuries the idea of pain and pleasure, dominance and submission were looked upon as normal and wide spread sexual acts.  There was a general understanding that BDSM was a normal part of sexual and relationship pleasure. 

Now it is outlawed and we are fighting for our place in this society.  

So next time you pick up a flogger- think about the centuries of history that you are holding in your hand.  And remember, our history did not start with the end of a war, the writing of Mr.  Benson, or the Market place. What we are doing started way before us and hopefully will continue way after we are long gone.

Skill or no skill?

Have you ever watched someone play and winced a little? Or a lot? Have you ever watched someone play and thought “maybe someone should tell them that what they are doing is really dangerous?”

I have seen my fair share of dangerous, unskilled, and unstable play, we all have. 

However, as I have been thinking back these beauties came to mind:

-          The “Top” (who went by the title of “master” by the way) took a person who said that they had never played, flogged them heavily with no warm up and no cool down. Then afterwards stood masterly at the other end of the room as the person that they had just wailed on sat in a corner in the fetal position completely glazed over. 

-          The “Top” that showcased their bottoms welts and bruises after the scene. The welts and bruises that were caused by wrapping and were all over the bottoms joints.

-The “Top” that was so busy watching and interacting with the crowd that they never did see where they actually hit the bottom.

I am sure that if I were to ask all of these tops that they would say they were skilled, they would probably say that they were exceptionally skilled.

So how do you know if you  really are skilled?

I am going to say that time in does not guarantee skill. I will also say that skill in a single area doesn’t make someone a skilled player, although it may make them skilled when it comes to that single type of play. I will also say that a big toy bag does not mean a big skill set.

 I suppose if you wanted to be general about the whole thing that you could say that a skilled player is identifiable by a happy bottom. BUT- the bottom that had bruises and welts over their hip joints was very happy…. 

I know that everyone defines what skill is differently.  So here are a few things that I look for when I watch play that I feel gives me an idea about someone’s skill level. Of course, that is assuming I am skilled……..

1)      The top can use both hands.  They aren’t stuck to one side because they can only use one had, they have flexibility and control on both sides of their body.

2)      The top moves around.  They are able to remain in contact and control of the scene while moving forwards, backwards, and to either side. They also use many parts of the bottoms body, from their calves to their shoulders, and from their groin to their chest. The top is able to scene with the bottom in many different positions. They don’t rely on the bottom be in one place for their aim to be dead on.

3)      The top may have a specialty, but they aren’t limited to that. They are able to play in different environments and spaces. IF the tops specialty is piercing, but the play party doesn't allow for blood play, the top is still able to do something else.

4)      If the top chooses to use various toys, they do so carefully and not fanatically jumping from toy to toy. The changing of toys is done because the top wants a different toy, not because the top can only use that toy one way.  They are articulate with what they do use, and know how to take their time before changing sensations.

5)      They can focus on the bottom. It doesn’t matter the crowd size, or attention given to the scene the top can focus and stay focused on the bottom throughout the scene and afterwards.

6)      They can use any toy with many levels of intensity. They are not limited to what the toy was made to do, they are able to see past that and use any toy to warm up, intensify or cool down.

7)      They can stop.  They are so in tune with how the bottom is doing and how they are doing that even a public space with an appreciative audience will not stop the top from ending the scene.

When I watch for these things I feel I can have a sense of how the person plays and where their skill is compared to mine. Now to be honest here I have done my fair share of red out scenes, out of boundary scenes, oh shit scenes, and “SURPRISE” scenes.  Like “surprise!!! “ Anal sex, or “surprise!!!” impact play….…  I have left bruises when I said that I wouldn’t.  I have gotten so far in my own head space that my slave had to red out for me because I wasn’t connected with her.  When I was first doing piecing I had the bottom almost pass out. I have wrapped, miss-hit, not negotiated and miss- read who I was playing with.

Wow- I should stop talking while I am ahead…..

I think that what I am trying to say here is that the concept of skill can be very elusive. What makes one a skilled player with some people can make them a very unskilled player with others.  Someone can be very skilled privately but unable to control a scene publicly. Someone can be excellent at taking down a heavy experienced bottom, but unable to play well with newbie’s. Someone can be very skilled at playing with women, but not know the first thing about playing with men.  Someone can be a master flogger, but give them a cane and they are lost.

And me, well, I am good as long as I can leave bruises……. 

The Outside World

I hate it when other people ruin my lovely, cozy, amazing life.  I have a wonderful life.  I have a lot of love, I have amazing sex, and I have a woman who loves me no matter how many sock trees that I try to grow by leaving my socks on the living room floor.  I have a beautiful home, with amazing horses and loving cats. I have an intentional family that buys me curios, and sends me notes that say that they love me every day, that I matter, and remind me how to lead. I have a good honest job that pays me well, and a crew of people that I work with that are smart, dedicated and team oriented.  Overall, I am blessed in ways that many people aren’t.  And I am utterly utterly grateful for those things. 

However, in the other world I am used to being treated differently.   It is a subtle thing, most of the time. People move their kids away from me, people eye me then back away or walk in the other direction, I have seen women move behind their male partners, male partners pull their women closer.  In a lot of ways I am used to that and don’t really mind, it gives me an edge, I feel, an advantage.  But there is a difference between me being treated different, and me being treated in a way that quite frankly stays with me for days.   

And that is where I am now.  

 I am writing this because I have not been able to compartmentalize it since it happened.  

Last Monday we went to the bank to see someone about a mortgage loan refinance.  Now just to preface here, I knew that we wouldn’t qualify- my credit sucks.  But they said that they could do something, they sought me out, so I thought, well, more information doesn’t hurt. But my gut said, don’t go. 

So we arrived at the bank on time, and 15 minutes later were told that we were at the wrong bank, she had not told me were her office was .  We had to dive across town to her find her, and when I was walking in my gut said- don’t do this.  

But in we went.

 I could feel who she was before I saw her face.  She didn’t bother to apologize she just looked me up and down, the same with my slave, and then sat down.  She did not offer us a seat. She was thin, white, and rich- she made sure to let us know about her vacation property in Angelfire.  She went on and on about how she hated Mondays and how much pain she was in due to her jaw being wired shut from being thrown from her horse.  I looked at my slave several times confused. 

She said that she tried to call my cell phone but had the wrong number.  Then sputtered over herself when I said that I didn’t own one, she paused and said “why don’t you own a cell phone?”  I was shocked at the question, it was abrupt, accusatory. I said that we don’t have a cell phone because I don’t like people.  Then my slave tried to explain us a little more she said that we are broke.  I noticed that the question moved the focus away from the fact that she had just lied to me about trying to call. 

 I watched this woman carefully.

 She would talk about herself , just to hear herself talk. When she would tense up she would ask me a question – not to hear the answer, but to hear me say I didn’t know. Then she would relax a little. When I could answer her questions, she would interrupt me, talk over my answer, and make up her own answer. I would have to stop her and explain myself again, not that what I was saying mattered. She would look down every time that I talked. 

She made snide comments about my salary “is that all?” about my schooling “you just went to nursing school?” About my credit "tsk tsk tsk”  as she tapped the papers.  About my home. “You had better not lose that house.” “Why don’t you just sell?” 

Finally when I realized that I had taken all that I could. I took my paperwork, stood up and said “are we done here?”  She didn’t bother to say have a nice day; shake my hand or any of that other perfunctory crap a business person is supposed to do.  She just stood up backed away, and was much relived that we were going.

My slave and I left glassy eyed and confused, I was downright angry and she was trying to put herself back together. My slave in general has amazing social skills, and does much better in situations like this.  I remind her of this often, as I am proud of how she conducts herself, and quite frankly apologizes for my short comings. 

But after that we were both just trying to pick ourselves up.

I felt abused and berated.  I felt like no matter what I said it would not have mattered, and like my hard earned accomplishments were just a wrinkle in this woman’s nose.

It felt alien, and we both stayed in shock for a while. We are still in shock.

My slave bough me ice cream.  I had amazing sex, a few times, that helped- a lot.

But I am still shaken. Weird, huh?