Transparency

I had the best time at the last AEL munch!  It featured Lady golden and slave lou talking about M/s relationships.  There was a lot that I took away from that night, and am still thinking about!

At one point they covered the importance of being transparent, in other words being open, honest and frank about your needs and expectations.  

So about a week or so ago I started to write a piece on transparency, and I found that I was really stuck. I just couldn’t put it together in my head. Every time I tried to write about how the concept applies in my life I came up empty. 

At that point  I  decided to ask my slave  what she thought,  because I was searching for some insight into why I was struggling with this concept so much. So I took a deep breath and asked her “Am I transparent?”

she paused and said:     “No.  But that is not a bad thing.  But you are adorable!! Does that substitute?”  she smiled as I took this in and said  “Well, your rage is transparent.  Your anger, annoyance and frustration those are pretty transparent.”    

After a little more thought she added:   “You are transparent to me, but we have been together for ten years. So certain things that you do and certain things that you say are transparent to me.”

I was concerned about what that might mean to her, so I said “But I am not deceptive to you.”

she answered    “No you are not, there is a difference.  I think transparency is a goal to attain, but I think if you hit a wall, because being transparent means you are a level of vulnerability that you are uncomfortable with or are triggered, it is not something that you can attain. It might not be something that you can ever attain, and that is ok.”

I asked for her to explain some more and she continued: 

“I think that there are different types of transparency, there is situational transparency then there is 24/7 transparency and there is relationship based transparency. When it comes to us you are, for the most part, 24/7 transparent, but that is because I make an effort to get to know you.  I make an effort to look for signs of where you are, even when you are not aware of them. It is kind of like an emotional version of anticipatory service.  When you tell me you are ok but you do this mouth twitch thing, I know that you are not.  There are a lot of signs in your body language that I look for, and to me after being with you for ten years, that makes you transparent. That makes you glaringly obvious.  To me you are transparent because I recognize what your mouth is doing, your voice is doing, and you are not able to hide those things.”

I knew exactly what she was talking about, when asked I will always say that things are ok, even if they aren’t, or I am not. It is an automatic reaction that I hold on to, almost like if I say that everything is ok then they will be.  But the reaction isn’t always honest.

she continues:   “I think when we are talking about relationship transparency I think that means that you are transparent as you can be in front of a select group of people and only when you feel safe.  You are as transparent as you can ever be in front of Whipdaddy, but he also recognizes when you are not ok. Most of us can’t be transparent all of the time including in the majority of our relationships, but not being transparent doesn’t mean being deceptive. Sometimes a lack of transparency is necessary for financial, emotional and social survival. The important thing is learning to recognize when being transparent is going to be safe. To recognize when your transparency is going to be honored and respected.”

I know that when I am facing being transparent I often look at the other person and over read them. If they look away from me, seem not interested or bored, don’t ask me questions about what I am saying (that is the biggie) or automatically change the conversation to themselves, I will stop and go back to being guarded.  At that point I will change the conversation and put it back on them, relieving me from being transparent.  If I don’t feel heard and supported, then I will emotionally block and it will take a long time before I will try with that person again.

So I asked her:  “Don’t you think that transparency is important in intimate relationships, like between me and you?”

And she said:   “Yes, but the work doesn’t end with being transparent, once you are transparent the question becomes are you going to allow the other person to address the needs that are made obvious by that transparency.  None of that matters if the partner that is being transparent will not let the other partner move forward with what they are seeing.  So you are transparent but you aren’t letting the partner use that transparency,   and that can be just as ineffective as not being transparent at all, because the end result is still the same.  

So when I recognize that you are moving into a space when you are going to need attention that will ensure your physical or emotional safety and you are not able to let me, you are transparent. But if I am not able to move forward on that transparency to comfort you or do the necessary steps to create a safe space, then the end result for me is still the same. I view your vulnerability as meaning you are going to need to be safe and for me that means I need to do certain things for you to be safe. But there are times where you won’t let me do those things.  At that point transparency doesn’t matter.“

I could see where she was coming from, for me it is a push to be that open, so to be that open and need her help is many times a lot more then I can handle. Luckily my slave is patient and attentive, so when I say “no I don’t need help”, she will usually wait and see if I change my mind or if I can handle her helping me a little later.

she continues:  “Transparency also does not mean that the person being transparent does not have to do the work.  They still have to do their own emotional work, and sometimes there is a disconnect in the relationship because one person feels that by being transparent that they don’t have to pick up their own emotional self.  They feel that if they are transparent it is someone else’s job to make them feel better. When in reality being transparent means you are still responsible for your own emotions. In both of these situations when the person wants someone else to do the work, or wants someone to do nothing, the hard part is that there has to be communication about that. 

When there is transparency in a relationship both parties have a job and that needs to be communicated. The one being transparent and the one recognizing that transparency, if you don’t want help say it, or if you want help learn the boundaries of the help that you want.  Perhaps a person is offering too much help, or their help is taking away from your feeling of empowerment.   That is how I made my peace with you not needing help when you are transparent, there is a recognition that the help that I was offering was going to take away from the empowerment that you needed when you are vulnerable.  But in that case you didn’t tell me, I had to get there on my own.“

Although I agreed with her here, I do feel that for myself at least, a lot of times I don’t even know what I need. Sometimes just the act of being transparent is so taxing that just getting thorough that is all that I can focus on.  But what this conversation did do was open my eyes a little more about the type of emotional work that my slave does around and for me. 

Honestly speaking I love listening to my slave talk, her insight and knowledge are a great challenge to me. And I feel very lucky to be with someone who understands that when I say fine and then do that mouth thing   that fine really doesn’t mean fine…….