How much privacy does a slave have? (REPOST)

A few months back I was looking for blog ideas and I received some great suggestions!  One of them was the question “How much privacy does a slave have?”  Thank you to MyNameIsMine!!!!!

The easy answer is none.

 The more complex answer is as much as the Master decides they have- which in essence is none because ultimately the Master can take away that privacy at any moment. 

It is important to keep in mind that there are different types of privacy, I tend to lump them into three different categories: privacy of things, privacy of the body and privacy of the mind. 

As far as privacy of things I have no interest in riffling through my slaves stuff, monitoring her correspondence, or listening in on her phone calls. she does have her own room, were she keeps her belly dance attire and her herbs and sundries.  That room is hers, she can care for it as she sees fit, and I lay no claim to it.  I have no interest in that, and in fact, feel a certain amount of pride that I can provide that space for her. I know her email passwords, and have access to all correspondence, but don’t use it unless I am looking for something- a phone number, directions, or the like.  And I will tell her that I am accessing her account and which one.  

Why?  Because my slave likes to buy me presents when we have a little extra coin- and sometimes she will need to access things herself to keep me from finding my next present. I have no issue getting presents, so this does not bother me. On the flip side, she also has access to all of my email as well. It isn’t uncommon that I will need her to contact someone for me -as me. 

As far as bodily privacy, my preference is that she is nude, especially during chores, so she spends most of her time that way.  I REALLY love that…. I also track her medications because I order then before they run out, so I know what she takes, how much and how often.

That leaves privacy of the mind, which in my opinion is the only kind that matters. The rest of privacy is relatively easy- it is space, stuff, geography, tangible, and visible. But not so with emotional privacy- that is a huge risk. That is where the heart of the slave lies.

 Emotional and intellectual privacy can be very invasive when taken away because it is such a risk to let someone know what you are really feeling and thinking.  It risks everything. It means that when I ask her what she is thinking and feeling, that she tells me, even when she doesn’t want to, or is afraid to say those things. Afraid of my reaction, afraid of what I will think of her, afraid of what she will think of herself once the words are out of her mouth.

The issue of privacy is a very personal one for every Master and for every slave. It has to do with where that Master feels their connection to power; do they feel empowered by having control over the slaves stuff? Over the slaves body, or being a part of the slaves mind?  For some Masters, stuff is enough- they get off on controlling everything from what the slave reads, has access to, and can use in the home. I once heard a Master talk about how their power came from limiting and approving each correspondence that the slave had- from their phone calls, to email- to letters. For others their power comes from the slave’s body, this can  include everything from what the slave eats, wears and how they move.

But for me those things are the window dressing. For me, what is the point of telling my slave what to wear, when what I really need to know is that she is struggling with how she views herself as a slave, as a leader and as a wife. 

Window dressing…….  better on windows.

AMG or "Ah Miii Gawd”

The first meeting of the Albuquerque Masters group was amazing. I am still thinking out the title,  for the moment I call it the AMG-  which I think can  go either way because it is a little too close to “Ah Miii Gawd”! Like the valley girls used to say in the 80’s. 

When I lived in   Florida I was invited to a private Dominants group.  I was told that it was a big deal because I was a woman and that was rare. The group was a collection of about 4 other men, it only went for a month or so, and overall it seemed like no one really knew how to talk candidly. There felt to be a lot of bluster and one guy who really liked to hear himself talk. It was not a great experience, but one that I have kept in the back of my mind, as it had gotten me to thinking.

Is it possible to have a Masters group that is open, honest, and candid?

Is it possible to have a Masters group where we all recognize that everyone has something to learn and something to teach?

 Is it possible to have a Masters group that is welcoming to new people, and accepting to people whose ideas are different from many of ours? For example- Gore.

If you want to be cocky you can say sure it’s possible, anything is possible.  But is it reasonable? Masters are used to being heard, we are used to being listened to. We as a rule are used to being the ones that control or at the very least direct the conversation, so  a group  of people  with control  issues tends not to listen  very well.  

So I came into this with a few goals.

1) Everyone needs a chance to talk and have their comments or questions heard.

2) That people feel comfortable to talk about the reality of their M/s instead of the convoluted theories that people think it should be.

3) That people won’t get caught in one upping each other.

I also knew that a lot of these things were going to fall on me as the moderator. So at one point I just closed my eyes and said “ok let’s do this thing.”

We met at Page one and the woman that had the room were finishing late. The Masters group was very punctual and ready to go in so people started getting restless, but overall we held it together until we could get in and get comfortable.

I have to say that it was an amazing group of people;   everyone seemed really vested in each others thoughts and processes. There were a few tense times, but that is to be expected, and I really felt that everyone worked really hard to stay grounded, candid, and open. It was a joy to see Masters really listening to each other, and differing points of view being debated.

Also, because how the meeting was structured people had a chance to be heard   and that for me was huge, people were even asking each other, "does that answer your question?"

How cool is that!

So now I am working on next month, I am  so  glad to say that we have a few host houses set up-  than k you so much to Baby Bear and DT !!!!!!! So I am starting to prep for the BBQ and potluck training time of which I am really excited about.

I am also taking a moment to just sit and smile. 

It’s working. I can’t believe its working.

Criminal Minds, BDSM, and Us

I have this thing for the show Criminal Minds. It isn’t the blood and the gore that kind of thing has never interested me; it is the fact that those that do harm have a psychology. As a survivor myself, one of the reasons that I am so addicted is that the  show takes the blame off of the victims, it talks openly and strongly about the actions of the perpetrator having nothing to do with the victim and everything to do with the perpetrators need to fulfill their own  fantasy. How perpetrators are extremely skilled at what they do, they study people, and every time they fail at gaining a victim they learn and get smarter at attaining their next victim. The show is ahead of its time when it comes to talking about being victimized  not being a person’s fault , and how sex workers are just as important as the rest of us, and their victimization matters. It has also addresses quite blatantly and openly the gay conversion camps, both male and female sexual assault and the fact that crimes cross the class barrier.

That being said Aaron Hotchner is hot. He is hot because he leads, because he is brilliant, because he loves his team and understands that they need his support to do their jobs well. He is hot because he provides the ultimate safety, the safety to the team so that they can focus on the job and the people while he provides an emotional safety that all leaders that know how to lead instinctively do. 

Criminal Minds has multiple times addressed BDSM in their shows. In the 7^th season there was an episode called the Company. It was about a man that had non consensually kidnapped and beaten a woman,  gotten her to sign a slave contract , and  ultimately  kept her under control by  using the idea of “The Company” as well as keeping her child from her. 

Despite the severity of the actions of the perpetrator, BDSM was by the Behavioral Analysis Unit (BAU) represented openly and fairly. The team talked about how BSDM involved role-playing that uses the concept of the Company, and how this is usually understood by both parties to be part of the role playing.  They talked about how this case was about abuse, control, and kidnapping, and took the focus off of BDSM and put it onto the actual crime.

 That is important because people that have been kidnapped in real time and have had the concept of the company used in real time as part of their mental manipulation have existed. The company is supposedly a large underground group of people that watch over, control,  that provide slaves to willing Masters; they will also hunt down a runaway slave, trade slaves to other Masters, register slaves and so on.  This type of psychological terror assists in keeping the kidnapped victim complicit and creates an air of being watched, with dire consequences for misbehaving.  

Who knows maybe such a thing does exist somewhere. Slave auctions are still alive and well, both consensual and not, as are the trading of slaves, with all of the old time non consensual training methods still being used. If someone has enough money, anything is possible.  Mail order brides, bringing over children of all genders from foreign countries for domestic and sexual servitude, and human trafficking are all still happening, and huge money makers. 

At one point in the show the Master and the slave are separated and he is put in jail. She turns up a little while later with a lawyer, who is also supposedly in the Company, and gets him free stating that she loves him, and that she needs to make his dinner. Instead of representing her as a stupid woman, they take that time to show the bruises on her neck. Illustrating that she is operating on a different emotional level, one based in survival.  After all, if he would do that to her when she was behaving, what would he do to her when she was not behaving?

In the end, she is freed with her child, and everyone is reunited.

I love this show because for me, it really points out how far we have come in some parts of the media in portraying BDSM. What Criminal Minds did was separate BDSM from abuse and kidnapping. They took this very complicated case and broke it down into a series of crimes; they weren’t interested in that fact that she signed a slave contract, they were interested in what he did to force her to do it. They never once referred to BDSM as those sickos, or those perverts, and they were not interested in the other couples that engaged in Master and slave relationships.

This was all about consent versus non consent, consent versus coercion, and consent versus abuse. Those borderline issues that we deal with everyday, not just from the outside world looking in, but from ourselves. At what point is it what we do no longer consensual and starts being a trained response, with some coercion thrown in? In many Master and slave relationships consent happens once in the beginning of the relationship and then   is assumed from that point forward. But considering that the beginning of a relationship involves hormones, and a considerable amount of NRE, is that really a time to consent?  Can it be argued that NRE in and of itself be considered an altered state, and therefore making consent invalid and questionable?

Something to consider.

And nice to consider them while watching a little Hotchner……..

Butch femme History in the 1950's

My slave and I were honored to speak at AEL  in January-  here is an excerpt! 

There is mention in  ancient Greek passages about the hetaerae  .  The hetaerae were female courtesans that  served high lead male nobility. In their off time however, these female courtesans  were known to have masculine female lovers who they doted their time,  attention and money on.

Within the ancient African warrior kingdom of Dahomey, it was not unheard of for high ranking female Amazon  generals to take on multiple wives.

A final example would be the red light district  of 18^th  century Tokyo. There was a special section of butch  female sex workers that only catered to  female clients.

So to  start talking about the North  American  history we are going to start in the 1940’s in New York specifically. At that time more local bars started catering to openly gay crowds. The available jobs in the industrial areas  meant that there were a greater number of pants wearing women  going to and from work at all hours.  What this meant  in  terms of safety  was that it was no longer  unusual to see women in  masculine attire on the street  This mean that butches were less likely  to  stand out  and it created a safety not experienced before for butches who now had economic means and were not forced into  traditional women’s attire.

As far as the femmes  the economic power meant that you were less likely to  have to  answer for yourself on your off hours  as to why you didn’t live with your parents,  or have a traditional  husband and child household.

It was the beginning to not be an aberration  for a femme not to be married right away,  or seen as a spinster burden on her family.

 These  two segments of the community started to become economically viable  independent an  visible. Which  also meant that they were finally able to meet each other in  more social areas  that catered  to them.  Now know that we are only  talking about working class lesbians here. Not upper to high class people who had other means to have more privileges’. We are focusing on working and lower to middle class butches and femmes. 

So just like all sorts of communities, butches and femmes were held to  a certain standard of behavior.  These standards were just as rigid for butches and femmes as they were for the male and female mainstream partners in heterosexual society.

For example femmes  were to be seen in  makeup, dresses, and heels at all times, and they were expected to be sexually passive.

Butches especially in the bar culture were expected to be in  pants and starched shirts and were expected to be sexually aggressive. To be accepted into the working class social lesbian community butches had to have femme partners  and femmes had to have butch  partners. The partnering of butch to butch and femme to femme  meant that the couple would not be welcome and therefore ostracized from their very small social out lets.

Sexually  speaking, femmes  were to only receive  sexual gratification,   and butches were only allowed to give sexual gratification.  Not to say that people didn’t deviate from  those strict sexual expectations,  but it was never publicly spoke of for fear of losing face, loosing sexual desirability,  loosing potential sexual partners, or loosing social status.

In the 1950’s the butches and femme community started picking up some steam.  There were more social  venues  more jobs and there was now a slowly growing selection of literature  for example the Bebo  Brinker series  it was a lesbian pulp fiction that actually had lesbians that were not tragic characters and surprise surprise lived at the end.  Even though there was all of this good stuff,  unfortunately in the mainstream  community  the McCarthy area  lead to more police raids and greater witch hunts to ferret out anyone that was not compliant with the strict expected conformity of the day.

The butch femme community was just as influenced by this concept of conformity and regimented role as the mainstream  worlds and in response became even  more unbendable regarding its social and sexual rules.

Another change at the time was that butch identity had more  emphasis physical strength.  So there was a change from the dapper butch to  am more aggressive one. With increased visibility  came increased violence and danger. So part of the butch make up became the art of being physically imposing and intimidating. The new stance of being physically imposing came with encouraging people to keep a distance but it also came at the price of being viewed as angry and hostile.  So as the butches embraced their ability to be more socially visible, they sometimes embraced the unspoken expectation of being angry and hostile.  Good for staying safe, not so good for making a relationship last.  This also led to butches becoming more hostile towards each other, being protective became  being possessive.  This wasn’t always the case, but these lines became easily blurred through social pressure.  Another form of social policing came in the way of defining who was a true lesbian. For butch to be considered a true lesbian, and a "butch's butch", they had to meet a few stringent requirements.  They can’t have had any sexual history with men.  Be exclusively attracted to femmes.  Be butch in appearance 24/7, which meant no changing into feminine garb for work. 

  For femmes the requirements’ were just as strict, and it still didn’t mean that you were accepted as a lesbian.  Femmes had to be in a relationship with a butch.  They had to be submissive to that butch.   They had to be completely sexually  passive.  At this point, was the social beginning of femme  invisibility.  What that means is that femmes were not acknowledged as a apart of the growing lesbian community.  Single femmes were viewed as suspect if they were recognized at all.  Because femmes were able to come in and out of the straight world easier than butches, and because many femmes were sex workers’ who serviced male clientele, it was very hard for them to be recognized by a community that was still struggling to define itself and come to terms with its own many complexities.