How much privacy does a slave have? (REPOST)

A few months back I was looking for blog ideas and I received some great suggestions!  One of them was the question “How much privacy does a slave have?”  Thank you to MyNameIsMine!!!!!

The easy answer is none.

 The more complex answer is as much as the Master decides they have- which in essence is none because ultimately the Master can take away that privacy at any moment. 

It is important to keep in mind that there are different types of privacy, I tend to lump them into three different categories: privacy of things, privacy of the body and privacy of the mind. 

As far as privacy of things I have no interest in riffling through my slaves stuff, monitoring her correspondence, or listening in on her phone calls. she does have her own room, were she keeps her belly dance attire and her herbs and sundries.  That room is hers, she can care for it as she sees fit, and I lay no claim to it.  I have no interest in that, and in fact, feel a certain amount of pride that I can provide that space for her. I know her email passwords, and have access to all correspondence, but don’t use it unless I am looking for something- a phone number, directions, or the like.  And I will tell her that I am accessing her account and which one.  

Why?  Because my slave likes to buy me presents when we have a little extra coin- and sometimes she will need to access things herself to keep me from finding my next present. I have no issue getting presents, so this does not bother me. On the flip side, she also has access to all of my email as well. It isn’t uncommon that I will need her to contact someone for me -as me. 

As far as bodily privacy, my preference is that she is nude, especially during chores, so she spends most of her time that way.  I REALLY love that…. I also track her medications because I order then before they run out, so I know what she takes, how much and how often.

That leaves privacy of the mind, which in my opinion is the only kind that matters. The rest of privacy is relatively easy- it is space, stuff, geography, tangible, and visible. But not so with emotional privacy- that is a huge risk. That is where the heart of the slave lies.

 Emotional and intellectual privacy can be very invasive when taken away because it is such a risk to let someone know what you are really feeling and thinking.  It risks everything. It means that when I ask her what she is thinking and feeling, that she tells me, even when she doesn’t want to, or is afraid to say those things. Afraid of my reaction, afraid of what I will think of her, afraid of what she will think of herself once the words are out of her mouth.

The issue of privacy is a very personal one for every Master and for every slave. It has to do with where that Master feels their connection to power; do they feel empowered by having control over the slaves stuff? Over the slaves body, or being a part of the slaves mind?  For some Masters, stuff is enough- they get off on controlling everything from what the slave reads, has access to, and can use in the home. I once heard a Master talk about how their power came from limiting and approving each correspondence that the slave had- from their phone calls, to email- to letters. For others their power comes from the slave’s body, this can  include everything from what the slave eats, wears and how they move.

But for me those things are the window dressing. For me, what is the point of telling my slave what to wear, when what I really need to know is that she is struggling with how she views herself as a slave, as a leader and as a wife. 

Window dressing…….  better on windows.

My Mistress- the House

The other day my slave and I were preparing for our upcoming move when my slave said “this is like getting out of a bad relationship.” I laughed and thought how true, our current house has become like a very abusive mistress in more ways than one.  As we are preparing to move and start a new phase in our lives just how much this house was a bad relationship has started to sink in.

Ahh!!!!    In the beginning my Mistress “the house” and I talked so many dreams together. We planned our future talking of putting flowers in her front yard, me going back to school, and who knows maybe even a baby or two. The picture she painted was one of early retirement and relaxation. Lazy days filled with love, sex, play, horses, parties, family and friends. I would get her the deck that she always wanted, and she would support me going back to school for my Masters degree, she would get new flooring and I would be able to teach horses for next to nothing, she would get a paint job and I would write my book.

The birds sang every time we were together, the squirrels appeared and the wild bunnies applauded our new found love.  Oh how the sun shined up my ass, and it felt good up there.

It wasn’t long before her jealousies began to make themselves known. I remember our first spat, I was filling up the new waterbed and the water ran out.  I thought, this is just a glitch, a misunderstanding, we can work this out, but it was not to be. She felt that I wasn’t paying her enough attention that I was looking at other houses on the side, so she made more demands, as the kitchen sink exploded, and the dish washer stopped working.    She wanted more, so to make her happy I worked two jobs and over time to outfit her with new siding and a roof. 

The more I gave the more she wanted, and although it seemed like she was being legitimate and sincere in her demands, even regretful at how much I was working, the demands still came. Any time that she felt that my attention or focus was not on her she would explode and run out of water, the septic ran over, the stove, washer and dryer all went out at the same time. 

It was when she needed more money then what I could possibly make no matter how many hours I put in-- that I thought - maybe she would see what she was asking and want less, or need less, or support me more. But no- her desires were not to be denied and over time became impossible to satiate.  The bills mounted into three piles: payable, not payable and about to be shut off.

Finally I realized that I had given her my all, my time, my health, my blood, sweat, tears and sacrifice. At that point I came to realize that my house the Mistress was never going to be happy, she was never going to be fulfilled. My Mistress the house was going to take and take  until there was nothing left- and then she would only blame me for her unhappiness and unpainted walls. She would blame me for fulfilled promises and the lack of raised flower beds. All the while my own dreams had long been put aside under the strain of her need for attention time, money and more money.

When I started knowing it was time to move on I had my fears. What if my next house didn’t love me like she loved me? What if I am just overreacting and am really going from bad to worse? What if I am a failure and no matter what house I am with I will always fail?

What if the real problem was me?

When the new house came, she came with soft words and promises, and I was scared. My old Mistress had made promises to. But the new house, she has said that I can do this on my own time, and my own way. The new house has already proven her ability fulfill promises, and to provide support, and although I am afraid and cautious and not ready to emotionally commit all of the way. The new house is not pressuring me to. She has guided me gently, letting me cry, and be angry, she has been kind and forgiving, and she knows that it will take time for me to trust again, but she is ready and willing to do the work for me to get there.  Her well is producing strong and clean water; we contracted for how much she would need with no chance of her suddenly needing more and more. So everything that she has said she has backed up with reality.

So we move forward after these four years of a bad relationship. With much help from friends and loved ones and people coming out of the woodwork to make sure that we can move on. So many people are making this happen with us, wanting to see us in a better relationship, having sat patiently all this time waiting for me to be ready to move forward. 

I am a little more broken but repairable, a little more wary, and I have my work cut out for me. Work to do on myself, my finances, and my life. At this time though- I am also full of hope. Hope that the life that I had wanted for me and my slave is still attainable, still within my reach. I suppose that is all that one can  ask for after four years of failure and  increasing demands that took my dreams and turned them into sleepless nights,  to many jobs, and to little sanity. 

I still have the hope that it gets better. That I can with work and time and love -make it better. My old Mistress the house does not get to take that away, and I am not letting her. 

Thank you so much K&C, Vi Johnson, SM, BB and all of those that have made this possible. Without all that you have done we would be lost and without hope.

The depth of her service

Of all of the things that my slave does in my life there is one thing that stands above all others in her ability to be selfless and serve. It is not in how she tends to the house, the shopping, the meals, it is not her expansive and cunning sexual repertoire, or her endless patience in driving everywhere.   It is how she hears me. Her patient, logical, and kind ability to listen and hear me out, even when I start the dialogue with “I know that this isn’t logical…”

To me that is the ultimate in service and  her patience and listening  has comet o mean  more to me then  a  clean  house, a hot  meal, or even  an afternoon  romp.

Lately, I have been going through a lot of transition, it is the good kind, but painful, and absolutely taking its emotional toll on me.  When  I came home the other day after a very rough couple of conversations that gave me a lot to think about, Pokey our blind Appaloosa, had wandered off the property.   I was very grateful that the neighbors had stopped and caught him, but Rainey had run herself into a state of exhaustion out of worry and all of this while it is still early in her healing process from her life threatening leg injury. Luckily she wasn’t limping or sweating too much, so I don’t think that he was out long. Nevertheless, it is one of those incidents' that keep me up at night. Of course, the next day was set aside to repair our horse fence with Fort Knox-like sturdiness . I swear Pokey is like one of those velociraptors in Jurassic Park, always testing the fence line…

So back to transition. I am going through a lot of transition, and during these times I have found that the love and softness of my slave to be very comforting.    Her patience and understanding, her always finding ways to gently remind me about the difference in  what is right and when I make hasty decisions  that are  motivated by hurt and anger, what is my responsibility, and when it is not my job to carry the baggage of others.  She reminds' me of how much  I deserve and all that I offer to my friends', loved ones, and the community around me.   She reminds me of what I can and cannot control.  Her ability to provide all of these these things has  made all of the difference to me as I go through a world of emotional changes.   In these things I hold my slave in the highest esteem.  It isn’t that she tells me what is pretty, or what I want to hear,  it is that she tells me what I need to hear, even if it burn s a little. 

It is through service that she leads. 

I know that everything will work itself out.  Life has a tendency to do that.  I also know that in another year or so I will be looking back at this time thinking “that was rough, but I made it, and I have that under my belt as another accomplishment in life.” 

Of all of the things that are painful, difficult, challenging, and hurtful right now, it is her love that I will remember the most, her patience as she takes me onto her lap and scratches my back and tells me all of those things that help me to fall asleep.

That is service, it is love, and it is the most selfless act that is driven by hope, faith, service, and 11 years of a life together.

So through  all of the transitions I feel her walking with me, sitting on my shoulder, reminding me that I can  be better, I can  be more,  and being with her--   makes me want to be.

Emotional roller coasters

Emotions  are transitory. Emotions change, grow, and  dim. What a person  feels one day doesn't mean that they will feel it the next.
Sometimes in relationships when the emotion  of love changes, doesn't come as easy or is challenged by time limitations or emotional fatigue, it is easy to fall into the thought that the feelings  are gone and will be gone forever and then panic.

This can  create a roller coaster affect in the relationship. Where the people in the relationship  chase the high of being in love, chase that feeling of euphoria that comes with  the intensity of love and lust. Then crash  emotionally when the love is felt to be  not as strong, or is felt to not be returned, or is threatened in  some way real or imagined.  
Usually this is where a fight happens. The fight is based in  something that really doesn't matter,  but the intention of the fight is to turn the other persons attention back to the relationship and their partner.
So the relationship  goes from the high and euphoria of love  to the angst of a fight to the high again.


Healthier relationships learn to find a middle road.  They understand that there are closer times and  further times and  times when instead of causing a conflict to create closeness, they  simply ask for closeness  and act to  create it.

So this has what to do  with BDSM exactly?

Because these are people patterns, they exist in  all types of relationships, and when you take those patterns and put them into relationships that are based in power exchange you get different outcomes.

Because we view our identities as such  a deep part of who we are, the roller coaster pattern can have a very different significance to  a Master and slave couple then to a  vanilla one.

So  in a vanilla relationship  maybe the partners  fight it out, get up and leave for the night, or tell each other off. Maybe they show each other love and euphoria by getting extra oohy gooey, and maybe they do  more things for each other, or get little gifts for each other, or do something along those lines, until they fall back into fighting.

For M/s couples though the options are different. In some dynamics slaves are not allowed to voice feelings against the Master. So although they may have them , speaking them is forbidden. The slave may  not have the physical ability to leave for example they may not have access to  a car, money, or even  clothes to be able to leave the house.

The Master may react badly to  feelings of disconnect from the slave and intentionally or unintentionally make the slaves life harder to create that feeling that was there before.

During the loving times the Master may not feel that they as a Master can be overly loving because of their  identity so they may withhold their love and affection.



The other end of this is when the slave starts to feel disconnected and starts making the Masters life a living hell until they feel that they (the slave) matters  to the Master.  Then things calm down and the slave becomes very attentive and loving,  until the need for the connection  happens again, and the living hell ensues.

 When it does happen in this direction the Master many times will feel that they  cannot discuss what is going on because of the fear that others will view them as not in  charge of their slave, or less of a Master, or not a Master at all.
It can  become very paralyzing.


Because of our identities we go through other thought processes then the vanilla folk. Things like if I were more of a slave or submissive then I could have fulfilled my Master in a way then they never would have left-- maybe I am not a slave or a submissive at all. So if I become  a dominant maybe that way I can't be hurt again, I don't ever have to be that vulnerable again.

We aren't talking about the ending of a relationship here-  we are talking about the ending of an  identity. This goes both ways, Masters that leave their path of Mastery because they don't feel that they are able to lead. If they were a stronger  Master the slave would have been more obedient, more loving, more responsive, more something....  So it must be the Master.

Kind of like when  a lesbian relationship goes wrong and someone freaks and thinks that if they were in a straight relationship that their lives and relationsips would somehow be easier.

So finding the middle road, knowing and having peace with the thought that what a person  feels will change and grow and dissipate depending on a lot of things. 
Sometimes just reminding the self that feeling of love and lust and euphoria is going to  change and  morph into something else. It doesn't mean that it has to go away entirely, but it does change. 

Sometimes it changes off of the roller coaster and onto  a long and beautiful road where the love is the constant and the fights are rare and resolvable.

And sometimes,  well sometimes it is time to buy  a ticket to another ride.  Not necessarily change how you identify, unless you are changing,  but change the ride.