PERV May 25th

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Emotional roller coasters

Emotions  are transitory. Emotions change, grow, and  dim. What a person  feels one day doesn't mean that they will feel it the next.
Sometimes in relationships when the emotion  of love changes, doesn't come as easy or is challenged by time limitations or emotional fatigue, it is easy to fall into the thought that the feelings  are gone and will be gone forever and then panic.

This can  create a roller coaster affect in the relationship. Where the people in the relationship  chase the high of being in love, chase that feeling of euphoria that comes with  the intensity of love and lust. Then crash  emotionally when the love is felt to be  not as strong, or is felt to not be returned, or is threatened in  some way real or imagined.  
Usually this is where a fight happens. The fight is based in  something that really doesn't matter,  but the intention of the fight is to turn the other persons attention back to the relationship and their partner.
So the relationship  goes from the high and euphoria of love  to the angst of a fight to the high again.


Healthier relationships learn to find a middle road.  They understand that there are closer times and  further times and  times when instead of causing a conflict to create closeness, they  simply ask for closeness  and act to  create it.

So this has what to do  with BDSM exactly?

Because these are people patterns, they exist in  all types of relationships, and when you take those patterns and put them into relationships that are based in power exchange you get different outcomes.

Because we view our identities as such  a deep part of who we are, the roller coaster pattern can have a very different significance to  a Master and slave couple then to a  vanilla one.

So  in a vanilla relationship  maybe the partners  fight it out, get up and leave for the night, or tell each other off. Maybe they show each other love and euphoria by getting extra oohy gooey, and maybe they do  more things for each other, or get little gifts for each other, or do something along those lines, until they fall back into fighting.

For M/s couples though the options are different. In some dynamics slaves are not allowed to voice feelings against the Master. So although they may have them , speaking them is forbidden. The slave may  not have the physical ability to leave for example they may not have access to  a car, money, or even  clothes to be able to leave the house.

The Master may react badly to  feelings of disconnect from the slave and intentionally or unintentionally make the slaves life harder to create that feeling that was there before.

During the loving times the Master may not feel that they as a Master can be overly loving because of their  identity so they may withhold their love and affection.



The other end of this is when the slave starts to feel disconnected and starts making the Masters life a living hell until they feel that they (the slave) matters  to the Master.  Then things calm down and the slave becomes very attentive and loving,  until the need for the connection  happens again, and the living hell ensues.

 When it does happen in this direction the Master many times will feel that they  cannot discuss what is going on because of the fear that others will view them as not in  charge of their slave, or less of a Master, or not a Master at all.
It can  become very paralyzing.


Because of our identities we go through other thought processes then the vanilla folk. Things like if I were more of a slave or submissive then I could have fulfilled my Master in a way then they never would have left-- maybe I am not a slave or a submissive at all. So if I become  a dominant maybe that way I can't be hurt again, I don't ever have to be that vulnerable again.

We aren't talking about the ending of a relationship here-  we are talking about the ending of an  identity. This goes both ways, Masters that leave their path of Mastery because they don't feel that they are able to lead. If they were a stronger  Master the slave would have been more obedient, more loving, more responsive, more something....  So it must be the Master.

Kind of like when  a lesbian relationship goes wrong and someone freaks and thinks that if they were in a straight relationship that their lives and relationsips would somehow be easier.

So finding the middle road, knowing and having peace with the thought that what a person  feels will change and grow and dissipate depending on a lot of things. 
Sometimes just reminding the self that feeling of love and lust and euphoria is going to  change and  morph into something else. It doesn't mean that it has to go away entirely, but it does change. 

Sometimes it changes off of the roller coaster and onto  a long and beautiful road where the love is the constant and the fights are rare and resolvable.

And sometimes,  well sometimes it is time to buy  a ticket to another ride.  Not necessarily change how you identify, unless you are changing,  but change the ride.
 
 

  






 










 


 









  


 


 

M + s = WTF?

Being in a Master and slave relationship is equated to this:  
 Master says + slave does =end of conversation.

It can be put like this 
M + s = e

If you’re really lucky those things happen to infinity. Like this:
 (M + s = e) infinity

But relationships, like math, always tend to have that X factor, the variable.
So instead of our pretty little equation, it comes out all fucked up like this:

 X + s = WTF?    Here the Master is the X factor.
 
For example:  I say "slave grab me that elephant."  And my slave hears correctly "slave grab me that elephant" but  in  reality we don’t own an elephant. So I am upset that I have to  go without my  imaginary elephant and she is left confused as to what I really wanted.


This is when the Master becomes the X factor, which can mean a lot of things. It can mean that the Master doesn't know how to ask for something, doesn't have the confidence to ask for something, doesn’t know what they want, or thought that they asked clearly - when in actuality they just left their slave dazed and confused. It could also mean that the Masters needs have changed and the Master didn't realize it, or that the Master simply doesn’t want to communicate and expects the slave to just "pick it up." 

In any case what that X factor boils down to is that the  Master can't, won't or is unable to communicate,  ending up in the the "what the fuck"  answer to the equation.

Then there is the next variable:

M + x = WTF?   Here the slave is the x factor. 

For example I say "slave get me some tea" and she hears "squirrel!" And I don't get my tea. 

What this means is that the Master has spoken clearly but the slave was unwilling or unable to listen, or has their own agenda, or has no intention of doing what the Master says anyway. Maybe the slave is looking to unseat or unbalance the Master, or maybe the slave is really in a space where they can’t listen.

In any case the end product of the "what the fuck" answer  is the end to the equation.

Then there is the rogue:

M + s = WTF?   Here the outcome is the X factor. 


For example I say "slave get my shower ready" and she hears "slave get my shower ready". And she goes to turn on the shower and we are out of water.

That is the rare case where everybody thought that they were on the same page, but the end product was all fucked up for no reason.

I think that what I am trying to say here is that there is beauty in certainty, but relationships are the ultimate X factor; they very rarely go as planned, and although we can set about with the right equation, that doesn’t guarantee that we all come up with the same answer.  

I think myself clever today.......



  
 

   

Goals for Mastery

A few weeks back a friend of mine asked “What are the goals for your Mastery?”

 At this point two things came to mind:  

 one     “what a cool question!"     

and two  “Oh shit- should I have goals for my Mastery?”

So I had to ponder that for a while, and I realized a few things. I used to have goals for my Mastery, but once my slave and I were up and running I got really comfortable and didn’t focus on  them as much. Which brought me to:  how are goals for my Mastery separate from  expectations from my slave and lastly if I were to  have goals now, what would they be?

In the beginning of our relationship I had a lot of goals that defined our relationship as Master and slave. The goals were based in tasks, how I requested a task, how I felt requesting it, how I followed up on it and most importantly how my slave executed those tasks.  All of this gave me a sense of where I was in my Mastery as well as were I wanted to go. 

For example:  do I ask for something with an air or impatience, gratitude, or expectant?  How did I feel using each way of asking for something? Was it representing the type of Master that I wanted to be? Did I want to be an inpatient Master, a  grateful one, or an expectant one?  Was it bringing me closer or further away from my own personal goals? 

Afterwards how did  I follow up, did I want to use punishments and/ or rewards? If so how and when and what?  

Then the biggie, how was my slave doing?  Because that to me was the biggest reflection on my Mastery, was she learning ? Was she getting more confident? Was she following thorough and becoming more independent? Was she challenging herself and following through with even the difficult requests? 

So in the beginning I think it was easier to have goals for my Mastery because they related so closely to what my slave was doing. But over time, as life moved on and  we integrated our Master and slave relationship so thoroughly, I stopped focusing on my personal goals for Mastery and started focusing on other things. Although the M/s component of our life has remained central to our relationship, I think that I have gotten a little lazy and let all of my goals fall on the shoulders of my slave  instead of thinking about my personal goals for my Mastery without her. 

Since a lot of Mastery is socially recognized as the slaves performance, it is really difficult to think about what my goals could be that did not require more tasks  form my salve, and yet would still give me that sense of empowerment.

At first I did come up with three things that I felt it had let go that I really wanted back  for my sense of power.  Unfortunately these  tasks  did require more things from my slave. So I decided to ask for two out of three, since she already has that 24/7 no holiday or weekends or hazard pay job, and trust me I am not easy to live with.

But after thinking about it for a while I found that I did want  something for and from myself. I want to be a stronger organizer and leader.  I want to have stronger leadership social skills, and be able to be fair and   open. I want to be a more skilled player with more skills and  that includes being better at the ones that I do have.  I want to be able to be calm, quiet, and strong. I want to be able to listen without as much bias to other peoples journeys and be candid about my own.

OK- maybe with as much bias, but I do want to be less conspicuous about it!

At that point I stopped the list, because quite frankly it is much easier to base my Mastery on my slaves behavior then it is to work on mine. And she is prettier to watch to….

So I have some questions for you all out there:

What are your goals for your Mastery that does not require any more work for your slave? 

How  will you be a stronger Master at the end of 2013 than you were at the end of 2012- that is without running your slave or submissive into the ground?

And Finally: 

How have your goals for your Mastery changed over time?