Leather and Poly

Out of all of the aspects that I have assumed control over my slave the one that I don’t, through my choice, is the polyamorous aspect of our  relationship.  My slaves dating interests don’t have to go through me, nor do I tell her no when it comes to who she chooses. We do however both have a few strict rules that we follow in choosing our dating partners. No drugs, no alcoholics, must be employed.  The other “unspoken” rules that speak to whether or not the relationship continues are must be excellent in bed, must be independent, must be able to speak intelligently. 

Overall, however, I don’t interfere in her dating, and I don’t monitor her correspondence. I know that a lot of Masters do and that they have rules where the other person has to go through the Master to initiate dating with their slave. 

I do however have complete say over who plays with her.   My slave is never loaned out. I may from time to time invite someone to play with her when I am playing with her. But that is very rare. Personally I don’t understand the loaning out thing. I don’t get off on it, I find it rather distasteful.  I don’t mean playing with other people - that kind of loaning out I get. I mean loaning the slave out for sex. I don’t get that at all. I think that it is kind of gross, really. 

 When my slave is looking at dating she says that she isn’t interested in dating someone who is leather, she isn’t interested in her other lovers having any type of D/s element. Interesting huh? she says that being a slave is exhausting!!! LOL!!!   she can’t imagine being that tired with her other lovers!

Honestly speaking, the other reason that I don’t interfere with her dating is because I was   monogamous for many years. Although she was poly and she would date, we were mostly poly in theory and monogamous in practice. I didn’t take any control over her  polyamorous choices because I didn’t feel that I could do it responsibly. I didn’t feel that I would pick her other partners fairly and because of my own insecurities I would simply say no to everyone. So since I couldn’t be fair and responsible, I didn’t take control over that part of her life. Then when she found another partner that she was serious about really dating and wanted to start a sexual relationship with that person, it rocked me to my core. We went through it for about 5 months as we struggled to find where polyamory legitimately had a place in our lives. It was so deeply difficult at that time.

But we did come out on the other side, much stronger, much happier, very much in love. I however, still don’t take any control over that part of her life. Even though now I feel that I would be much more responsible, I still feel that those choices need to be hers. We do discuss things like sex, and negotiate time and make sure that we are both comfortable.  But those negations are done outside of the boundaries of our Master and slave relationship, just in case she would feel a need to withhold how she feels or what she wants for the sake of her service.   

Also conversely, when I date another partner I negotiate time and sex with my slave. I don’t just tell her who I am seeing and when we are going to do things. We do talk about it and I am very careful to take in her feelings.

I have heard of Masters who bring in other slaves, or submissive's or who tell their slave that they have to have a relationship sexually with someone else, and are surprised when the slave has FEELINGS about that.

I think that relationships, especially multiple ones, are delicate things. And I think that as much as Masters have control over our slaves, how a slave feels is their own. I want my slave to have full emotionally rich relationships, and only she knows who those people can be who would really fulfill her. 

After all  a  happy slave makes for a happy house.

M + s = WTF?

Being in a Master and slave relationship is equated to this:  
 Master says + slave does =end of conversation.

It can be put like this 
M + s = e

If you’re really lucky those things happen to infinity. Like this:
 (M + s = e) infinity

But relationships, like math, always tend to have that X factor, the variable.
So instead of our pretty little equation, it comes out all fucked up like this:

 X + s = WTF?    Here the Master is the X factor.
 
For example:  I say "slave grab me that elephant."  And my slave hears correctly "slave grab me that elephant" but  in  reality we don’t own an elephant. So I am upset that I have to  go without my  imaginary elephant and she is left confused as to what I really wanted.


This is when the Master becomes the X factor, which can mean a lot of things. It can mean that the Master doesn't know how to ask for something, doesn't have the confidence to ask for something, doesn’t know what they want, or thought that they asked clearly - when in actuality they just left their slave dazed and confused. It could also mean that the Masters needs have changed and the Master didn't realize it, or that the Master simply doesn’t want to communicate and expects the slave to just "pick it up." 

In any case what that X factor boils down to is that the  Master can't, won't or is unable to communicate,  ending up in the the "what the fuck"  answer to the equation.

Then there is the next variable:

M + x = WTF?   Here the slave is the x factor. 

For example I say "slave get me some tea" and she hears "squirrel!" And I don't get my tea. 

What this means is that the Master has spoken clearly but the slave was unwilling or unable to listen, or has their own agenda, or has no intention of doing what the Master says anyway. Maybe the slave is looking to unseat or unbalance the Master, or maybe the slave is really in a space where they can’t listen.

In any case the end product of the "what the fuck" answer  is the end to the equation.

Then there is the rogue:

M + s = WTF?   Here the outcome is the X factor. 


For example I say "slave get my shower ready" and she hears "slave get my shower ready". And she goes to turn on the shower and we are out of water.

That is the rare case where everybody thought that they were on the same page, but the end product was all fucked up for no reason.

I think that what I am trying to say here is that there is beauty in certainty, but relationships are the ultimate X factor; they very rarely go as planned, and although we can set about with the right equation, that doesn’t guarantee that we all come up with the same answer.  

I think myself clever today.......



  
 

   

The complexity of Butches and Femmes

 Last week  we were honored to  be able to present at AEL.  We had a blast!  My slave and I did the topic butches and femmes,  here is her opening to what was an amazing night!  Thank you to everyone who attended and whop wote about it afterwards.  We were both very touched and moved by what you had to say:)  

Hello everyone!  I am  e--,  slave to Master and a femme identified queer woman of color. The reason why I use so many adjectives in describing what I am is that all of these have had a pivotal part in my journey  towards embracing my femme identity. Growing up I was very much a tomboy  and refused to wear dresses or shop in the girls section of the stores. This felt very comfortable to me, and it was what I needed to feel like my identity was my own. 

I didn’t come out of the closet as gay until I was about 20. By that time my gender expression had started to change.  And I began to  experiment with  what is viewed as more traditionally feminine attire.  Just like with my choice to wear masculine clothes when I was younger  this was a decision I made on my own and for myself.  While the outside world seemed to be more accepting of my new form of gender expression. The queer women’s  community that I was now a part of had a very hard time accepting   me as one of their own. I was under a lot of p[pressure by my lesbian friends to assume a more masculine form of gender expression  because it was more acceptable  for a woman  of color who was fat to be masculine identified.  It wasn’t until I picked up a book  about female African  American  blues artists  that I was first exposed  to queer fat woman of color.

Artists like Betsy Smith were an  epiphany for me and I now had my first set of femme idols  that I could look up to.

The other complication of my femme identity was the assumption  by many  queer women that my femme identity  meant that I was a passive partner in bed, in other words I was thought to be a pillow queen based on my gender expression and nothing else.
That is if I was even  considered queer at all.

As my femme expression became stronger and more 3 dimensional  in a way that suited my unique identity  I began to openly address the issues  of femme Invisibility that I was experiencing  within the queer community.

Femme invisibility refers to the lack of social and sexual recognition and validation that women with a feminine gender expression experience in queer women  spaces. Although this type of invisibility can  exists in all spaces, it is particularly hurtful when  the community that we are a part of does not recognize us.

In other words we are not viewed as gay unless we have a butch  partner on our arm.  And even then  we still remain questionable and are viewed as mere tourists  in the world of queer women’s sexuality.

Some of the ways that I have dealt  with my own femme  invisibility have been to be more vocal   and open about my enjoyment of same sex relations. IN other words I talk about pussy a lot, and I even  include hand gestures and sound effects. If the people around me don’t get the message about what a happy poon hound I am  then at least they  have the decency to look disgusted and walk away.

 Especially when I get into waxing philosophical about my love of camel toe.

I also  find it very affirming to talk with other femmes  who enjoy  the complexity of their sexuality luckily they usually have more hand gestures  for me to try out.

And last but certainly not least  I embrace the power of the femininity  of the women around me. I learned the importance  of this  when I became an ally   in the transgendered rights  movement. It was transgendered women  who first showed me the importance of supporting and embracing the divine feminine in everyone. The respect that I had regarding their femme identity gave me the insight  to have respect for my own.  And finally I have come to find a lot of  freedom in  Middle Eastern and African dance. This allows me to  reconnect with my body  and its feminine strength.  When I look at other belly dancers it is a reminder to me of the power of my femininity.