This all seems surreal.

It is now Monday morning at about 1 am. By the time I post this it will be Friday morning and if everything goes as smoothly as it has been we will have done the walk through in the new house and have closed the next day. So here I am waiting for this week to unfold, and I am not happy per Se as much as melancholy, reflective, pensive, and removed. I know that in about nine hours I will be doing the walk through followed by wiring the money to the bank. I know that in about 34 hours I will be closing on the new house- but this all seems surreal.

On Tuesday June 18^th I turned to my slave and said that I was done. I couldn’t do this anymore, that I didn’t know where we were going to land, but we couldn’t keep  doing  what we were doing and I  had reached my breaking point. Rightfully so, she was stunned, but never once said non and a fter a few minutes, she thoughtfully said OK.

A few days after that my slave  wrote about our situation  on Facebook and a few days after that we met our new realtor Beth Beaver who specializes in the East Mountains. So here  we are literally six weeks after that decision was made and we are closing on our new home and re looking at what our future can hold.

I am starting to get sad and frustrated about some things. I will miss my 5 acres as we go down to 2.5 . I will miss the green as it will take some time to build up the land; I will miss the feeling of solitude as our new neighbors will be in sight, and the openness of our current house as the new one is about 200 sq feet less, with a more closed floor plan.  

I am angry at this house, at myself, at the people that should have had our best interest at heart and failed us, I am angry. I am scared that I am putting all of this effort forth and in one year my slave and I will be in the same boat that we are here. I try to remind myself that we are making different decisions. That Beth knows her stuff right down to the subdivision and  that she has out best interest at heart. I know that we are going way below what we can really afford, and that we know so much more now than we did before.

I keep trying to reassure myself that this move will mean a difference for us, and that I shouldn’t feel so sad and frustrated. I should feel grateful, happy, and joyful, I should feel all sorts of things like relief, and relaxation- and yet here I am - unable to sleep at one am - waiting for – well- something.

I know that logically any move from where we are now will be a good thing. I know that logically this has brought about a massive amount of community and loved ones support and that should be my focus.  I know that logically in time I will adjust to less land and less house, but will smile when I see my horses well fed and feet trimmed. 

I know that logically this all makes sense- I am just waiting for the rest of me- literally the rest of me- to get there to. 

I can only hope about where we will be in a year, two years from now. That is what is getting me through the now- the hope that the future will be so much better than the last four years. I hold on to that with what strength and resolve I have left.

 The hope that I will be able to give back instead of having my hand out, the hope that my slave will never have another winter with no heat, or one more day with  an empty  pantry. The hope that I will never see the horses ribs again, the hope that I can reclaim my sense of dignity and self worth. 

Perhaps that is what scares me the most- if this doesn’t work- who will I be? What will I be left with? How can I rebuild if this doesn’t work? And I don’t mean my finances or my credit score, I mean myself. This house has striped me of who I thought I could be, and this move is putting all of that on the line- my sense of worth as a person ,as a lesbian ,as a Master. So the thought of failing now is the thought that I could loose every sense of myself that ever mattered to me.    

Come to think of it- with all of that on the line- maybe I am holding up pretty ok……. 

Albuquerque Masters Group

In August I start a new project  a Master and slave group in Albuquerque.  I am really excited about it.  Just to be clear here, I will not be starting a MAsT chapter, although I support MAsT international, I am not interested in currently taking on the responsibility of their requirements to be able to have and maintain a group. I am going a little more independent at this time, not to say that might change, but for right now this is what works for me.

The group will be meeting once a month, with activities alternating month by month. On one month there will be a discussion group, this is for Masters, prospective Masters, ex Masters, and those who are Master curious only, no slaves will be allowed at the discussion groups. At the beginning of the meeting everyone will be handed a card and everyone will write a question that they want answered, it is anonymous, and can be asked to a person or to the group.  We will beat that to death, then pull another question from the hat.  I am currently scoping out meeting places and have three hopefuls at this point which also keep the group meetings free. 

There will be guidelines such  as:  respect others experiences  and ups and downs, listen  without interrupting  (I will need help on that one)  understand that no one has the one way, understand that everyone fails and everyone succeeds, no one Master has all the answers, and not one Master has he ability to  train every slave.

On the opposite months will be potluck get togethers for Masters and slaves, singles and those in M/s relationships of any dynamic, the M/s curious and the M/s seeking as well as Dominants looking to try new protocols or are Master and slave curious when it comes to their requests of their slaves and submissives. 

The get togethers are going to be at host houses and will be set up for Masters and slaves to practice public protocol, try out new ideas, work on strengthening protocol, or learning from others with specialties. The idea is that when Masters and slaves pay for events they don't necessarily want to try a new protocol or use the time at the event focusing on trying something new that may or may not work for them in the long run.   

For example let’s say that a Master and slave want to try the “don’t talk unless the slave has permission to speak protocol” - instead of paying for an event and trying it out this is a chance to try it out to see if it works for  them and be able to focus on that part of the slaves training and the Masters experience without it being at the cost of an event. Or let’s say the Master wants the slave to be naked in service in public, this is the place to try that, or if the Master or Masters wants to put their slave through their public paces while serving multiple people. 

It is also a chance for us to learn from  each other, there are a few Masters that  know a lot about a higher protocol in  service, just kicking it up a notch, so  being able to talk with them and put my slave though a new way of serving excited me a lot! And being able to do to  try these new things “hands on” excites me even more!

  

There will be guidelines here as well:  no drinking, no drugs, no intoxication of any kind. This is not a play party, although  skills will be allowed to be shown  and taught upon request, no  touching what isn’t yours,  no requesting service from slaves that are not yours, inappropriate, impolite, or otherwise questionable behavior will lead to  that person  being asked to leave then  put on  probation  before being allowed back.

My goal is to create a stronger Master and slave community and network in Albuquerque. Free places where we can learn and grow from each other, as well as support  and help each other navigate through our relationships and our identities. There are some things that only other Masters ad slaves understand, some things that only single Masters and slaves know about expectations and relationships that other parts of the community, although  supportive, don’t really get. 

 Over time depending on how the group grows there may end up being an official event, weekend, or play party. But time will tell on those things.

I am really excited and will be posting all over when I have the meeting place and date set.  I do love a new project!!!!!

Although I will not be starting a MAsT chapter, if you are wanting  more information on MAsT International their website can be found here:  http://www.mast.net/

AEL Kinkskills Makes paddles!!!!!!

On June 23^rd T of Tease  taught the “make and customize your own paddle” workshop for AEL Kinkskills. The host house was wonderful, thank you so much G, and the group was so much fun!  We went way overtime but everyone was patient and laughing, and T was an amazing and attentive teacher as always. I had the best time! At first I was sitting on the sidelines, I didn’t know if I had it in me to join, but k convinced me, and I am so glad that she did! I had the best time talking and feeling up my table partner, and thinking about what I was going to imprint on my paddle- also known as my paddle manifesto!

It was so great, and it was a wonderful way to say good bye to this project that I have put blood, sweat, and tears into since its inception in 2009. 

This was the last AEL Kinkskills that I will be organizing. It was a huge success, and gave me everything that I had hoped for. The paddle that I made was in memorial to the event, and hangs proudly on my rack.

I am going through a lot of transition now and ending my part of AEL Kinkskills is a big part of that. It is hard leaving this project but I am very happy about the Master and slave group that will be starting in August. We are also moving soon and so far our housing prospects are so much better than I ever thought possible, and lastly I have put out an application to an online BSN program. The college has accepted me as a student, but I haven’t heard from the nursing program yet, however, this is the beginning of me fulfilling a dream that again, I never thought possible.  

Right now there is a lot of movement followed with a ton of support and love coming at us. So many people are coming forward to offer their help and words, and have given us so much hope that even though things are scary right now I feel enveloped in a cocoon of community.  Funny, huh, that in this time of such uncertainty the overriding thing that I feel is surrounded by love.

So with  all of this change I got to thinking about  the things that I have experienced from AEL  Kinkskills that have stayed with me over the years. There are so many skills that I now have thanks to this program. Before AEL  Kinkskills I couldn’t pierce, cut, do basic bondage,  or needle bondage,  I had never made my own  toy, and I didn’t understand the intricacies of violet wand, tantra, impact, or caning.

Over time I have seen others who have attended these classes take those skills that they learned and improve on them. The first time  that I saw someone do  needles after the class it made my heart sing, and I felt like I had really done something that made a difference.

The first time I saw a woman experience her inner dominance as she stood by a towering male partner because of something that I taught her- the ah-ha moment  on her face will always be with me.

The first time that I saw CBT and had it explained to me still makes me wince, but smile.

The first time I mummified my slave after a class, and the first time I ever saw saline injections!

I loved watching people come in smiling and laughing, my slave sitting at that front table welcoming all, and the talking and friendships that developed after the class.

I loved showcasing our local  experts and am  so  grateful for all that gave their time to teach, to  host, to  volunteer, and to  make this project the beauty and joy that it was.  For me it was a labor of love, and something that I am very proud to have been lucky enough to   have co-founded and facilitated.

Thank you everyone who was right along there with me learning and laughing. 

Thank you for making the last four years everything that I had always wanted it to be.

Very Sincerely,

 Master Bear

The depth of her service

Of all of the things that my slave does in my life there is one thing that stands above all others in her ability to be selfless and serve. It is not in how she tends to the house, the shopping, the meals, it is not her expansive and cunning sexual repertoire, or her endless patience in driving everywhere.   It is how she hears me. Her patient, logical, and kind ability to listen and hear me out, even when I start the dialogue with “I know that this isn’t logical…”

To me that is the ultimate in service and  her patience and listening  has comet o mean  more to me then  a  clean  house, a hot  meal, or even  an afternoon  romp.

Lately, I have been going through a lot of transition, it is the good kind, but painful, and absolutely taking its emotional toll on me.  When  I came home the other day after a very rough couple of conversations that gave me a lot to think about, Pokey our blind Appaloosa, had wandered off the property.   I was very grateful that the neighbors had stopped and caught him, but Rainey had run herself into a state of exhaustion out of worry and all of this while it is still early in her healing process from her life threatening leg injury. Luckily she wasn’t limping or sweating too much, so I don’t think that he was out long. Nevertheless, it is one of those incidents' that keep me up at night. Of course, the next day was set aside to repair our horse fence with Fort Knox-like sturdiness . I swear Pokey is like one of those velociraptors in Jurassic Park, always testing the fence line…

So back to transition. I am going through a lot of transition, and during these times I have found that the love and softness of my slave to be very comforting.    Her patience and understanding, her always finding ways to gently remind me about the difference in  what is right and when I make hasty decisions  that are  motivated by hurt and anger, what is my responsibility, and when it is not my job to carry the baggage of others.  She reminds' me of how much  I deserve and all that I offer to my friends', loved ones, and the community around me.   She reminds me of what I can and cannot control.  Her ability to provide all of these these things has  made all of the difference to me as I go through a world of emotional changes.   In these things I hold my slave in the highest esteem.  It isn’t that she tells me what is pretty, or what I want to hear,  it is that she tells me what I need to hear, even if it burn s a little. 

It is through service that she leads. 

I know that everything will work itself out.  Life has a tendency to do that.  I also know that in another year or so I will be looking back at this time thinking “that was rough, but I made it, and I have that under my belt as another accomplishment in life.” 

Of all of the things that are painful, difficult, challenging, and hurtful right now, it is her love that I will remember the most, her patience as she takes me onto her lap and scratches my back and tells me all of those things that help me to fall asleep.

That is service, it is love, and it is the most selfless act that is driven by hope, faith, service, and 11 years of a life together.

So through  all of the transitions I feel her walking with me, sitting on my shoulder, reminding me that I can  be better, I can  be more,  and being with her--   makes me want to be.

PERV, Party, Lap dances, labia vegatables

I am on such a high from last Saturday. It was one of those days that seemed magical, and wonderful and so very memorable, mostly.  I had worked the night before and was going on little sleep, but the adrenaline of the day was all that I needed! 

 On Saturday afternoon I presented at PERV. This was a dream come true on many levels. First off I love talking about Master and slave relationships that is my joy and my heart.  There were about 15 people there to start and about 11 stayed for the actual talk. It was an advanced crowd that had a lot to offer and I was so amazingly surprised that people were also very candid and open. At the beginning of every PERV is an hour of going over general rules and protocols of group and play etiquette.

Sera and I presented that together, I enjoyed that part, and the one place that got really interesting was when the issue of safe words came up. I listened as people talked about whether or not they use safe words, and the same sort of story kept returning. People would talk about how everyone should use safe words- but they personally don’t play with safe words. At one point after someone talked about how they had just met someone, didn’t negotiate and didn’t play with safe words- but it was the most intense scene they ever had- I interrupted the conversation and said “the conversation about safe words is the same every time- people will say you should use safe words because you are a pussy, I am a bad ass so I don’t use safe words. What safe words really boil down to is how much communication you want during a scene.”   Honestly, my slave and I don’t negotiate and we don’t use safe words, but they are always there if we need them and if they are used we both   know what they are. 

After the rules and protocols we had a break and I was given the floor to present on M/s for the rest of U/us.  I covered the 4 pillars of training the slave, understanding punishment on an emotional, chemical and biological level, the un- trainable slave and the un-trainable Master, and looking at the long term. The people there were amazing; they all had so much to give and were really engaged.  As a group they were open and comfortable enough to talk about those things that didn’t go well, their histories/her stories, and their personal and emotional candor really was something to experience.  

Meanwhile, the whole time, my slave was there looking beautiful, extraordinary and being her loving and supportive self.  This was not an easy thing because I was using her as the example of when things don’t always go right. That is never easy for her, but she was gracious, and because was so wonderful and open to be used as an example the crowd felt open. Her response to my talking about her allowed people to feel safe about talking about themselves.  That was really a gift. 

After PERV people stayed and talked and there was much excitement about July when the Masters group starts- but that is another blog :) When we left PERV the plan was to go see a friend for their birthday and then head up to the NMFL play party. 

That was the plan.

My slave and I got to the party early, and   had a blast helping in the kitchen and talking smack and really enjoying ourselves. When people started to arrive they were so festive and joyful. Then my leather family came and we had a blast over by the grill. We were talking and laughing and interspacing that with deep conversations about organizing and events, and race. It was one of those conversations with just the right balance of love, support, and seriousness.   

Then it happened- my first glass of wine. It was my weakness- Moscato. 

Ohh—as soon as I guzzled that first glass, I knew- game on. At that point I turned to my slave and said "honey, I am drinking tonight."

Now just to so that you know- I am not a drinker,  we don’t keep it in the house, and overall  I feel that the  social emphasis on  drinking  is an  American  embarrassment. I also do not play or have sex impaired. Ever.  Ok wait- I used to have sex impaired and I probably wouldn’t be opposed to doing it again, but as a general rule, it is not my interest.

So, the wine was flowing and I was having a blast! I gave out a lot of lap dances that night and a few nipple dances.  I would take big plates of food around to the crowd and offer it up with the luscious sway of my hips! I circled my hips around WhipDaddys meat (we were working the grill!!) and had people reach for my lady corn!  But the real fun came in the form of the labia vegetables.  That is…. in between lap dances…..

After wards I enjoyed very much so giving the birthday girl her 30 licks- with my tongue, and a little biting! Maybe a little hard on the biting, but as a bottle and a half of Moscato and Riesling as a precursor- I think I did pretty well. Hehehehe!!!

Then I flung myself onto people and made crude remakes about how everyone is a little "het" when they drink, among I am sure other things that somehow have faded into a drunken background.  If I remember correctly there were multiple requests for male strippers- I figured we had already seen some naked women- let’s even the playing field. I was denied that though. Not even a shirt off, or a belly button……

Whew!

I had a blast, even though my poor slave was on edge and watching over my safety every minute. When I drink I get VERY amorous-  I mean  I could fuck  a bar stool, the pool table, and the ID checker before hitting the bar doors, and then  be ready for more when I get home-  that kind of  amorous. So in between that and my already aggressive nature, it can make for a pretty explosive combination.  So my slave watched to make sure that even though I was impaired that others didn’t take advantage of that, or me. It was a hard job for her, stressed her out a lot, but even she even admitted that she was having so much fun at the party that she didn’t want to leave.  

The next morning I woke up full of smiles and hang over free. 

What a day.