Inner parts, outer parts

I think that I have written about this before, but it was a long time ago and recently it has come up again. A lOOOOOOOOOOng time ago before I was gay and before I was leather I was at a horse expo in Colorado. I wasn’t expo-ing that year I was just a spectator. In between events and competitions there was a “Horse Master” who was doing a demo about his expertise. He had his legion of fans of course and behind him was his class of students that had followed him, his entourage, so to speak. So in the center of the arena he was doing tricks with his horse. The showy stuff, getting the horse to lie down, go down on one knee, follow hand signals that type of thing.

 At one point he just happened to look back at his students. I remember following his gaze and seeing what had caught his eye. 

One of his students, a very young, thin girl was having considerable trouble with her horse. It was rearing, bucking, trying to bolt, and running into other horses. It was becoming a danger not only to its rider, but also to the other horses and riders that where there. She was doing everything that she could to get the horse to calm down with no results. The “Horse Master” however, seeing the trouble that she was having ignored the struggling horse and rider and turned back around to continue with his show. 

This experience has stuck with me ever since. It has permeated its way into how I think and what I experience in my leather walk. What is the point of pretty pony tricks if the basics of life are ignored? What is the point of having amazing public protocol if behind closed doors everything is a fight?  What is the point of looking your best only to have every request ignored, or complained about? 

And this goes for both sides of the whip. What is the point of a beautiful, amazing, and powerful slave if the Master is a gasbag jerk off that can’t see their way out of their own toy closet? 

I think about this a lot. For me the real service is the service that happens behind the doors. It is beautiful when it is public and recognized, but what emotionally goes on between the people is where the actual power is.  

I have seen beautiful play, beautiful players. I have been mesmerized by the intensity of public protocol that has left my head spinning, only to see where the people truly were emotionally and think oh- no. I really wanted it to be different, for me, for them. I wanted to see them a certain way, I wanted that to be real. And yet I know that if they had spent as much time and focus on their inner parts as they do their outer parts maybe they wouldn’t be walking away from play and service feeling empty and confused.

We are told that somehow the acts of service, and play should be deeply fulfilling for us. And when they aren’t, or they leave us questioning, it can very confusing. So here is a little light on the subject.  If a person is not emotionally fulfilled in the basis of their relationship then play and service will not fill those holes. It will give them something to do. It will give them something to focus on, it will distract them from how they are feeling, but in the end, the feelings of being unfulfilled will remain.

People do different things with those feelings.  If they stay in the relationship sometimes they get nasty with others. I have noticed that people that are really unfulfilled tend to do a lot of “Mine is better or bigger then yours” talk.  "My service is more meaningful, deeper, more thought out then yours" kind of thing.

 I will give slaves this, their ability to be passive aggressive is highly evolved involved in them. (Just kidding!!!)

 However it happens in slaves as much as in Masters.  When Masters do it they don’t even try to hide that shit. They just whip it out and go at each other. It’s ugly, but true and one of the main reasons why having a Dominant or Masters Group can be a very big challenge.  The interesting thing is that I know it when I see it. When a Master or a Dominant comes over to me and is all swagger, or says something really idiotic that they think is really enlightened, it shines a light on their feelings of being unfulfilled.  

But then who knows maybe I am just the asshole here.  I can feel it coming a mile away. I have been that idiot. I know what that feels like.  I know how it feels to sit across from people that I feel are very secure and fulfilled and feel like I come up short. That is why I started really working on the things that matter the most.  Not just because of that feeling of being less then, but being inspired by others who have that depth with their partners.  I want that, I fight for that. I don’t ever want to be the one who has the prettiest play only countered by the most vicious arguments. 

Funny how this memory has played itself out, I have often wondered what happened to that girl rider. Did she continue on with her horse path, or was she so disillusioned by that day that she put away her saddle, or find a new mentor? What would I have done? What would you have done?

The depth of her service

Of all of the things that my slave does in my life there is one thing that stands above all others in her ability to be selfless and serve. It is not in how she tends to the house, the shopping, the meals, it is not her expansive and cunning sexual repertoire, or her endless patience in driving everywhere.   It is how she hears me. Her patient, logical, and kind ability to listen and hear me out, even when I start the dialogue with “I know that this isn’t logical…”

To me that is the ultimate in service and  her patience and listening  has comet o mean  more to me then  a  clean  house, a hot  meal, or even  an afternoon  romp.

Lately, I have been going through a lot of transition, it is the good kind, but painful, and absolutely taking its emotional toll on me.  When  I came home the other day after a very rough couple of conversations that gave me a lot to think about, Pokey our blind Appaloosa, had wandered off the property.   I was very grateful that the neighbors had stopped and caught him, but Rainey had run herself into a state of exhaustion out of worry and all of this while it is still early in her healing process from her life threatening leg injury. Luckily she wasn’t limping or sweating too much, so I don’t think that he was out long. Nevertheless, it is one of those incidents' that keep me up at night. Of course, the next day was set aside to repair our horse fence with Fort Knox-like sturdiness . I swear Pokey is like one of those velociraptors in Jurassic Park, always testing the fence line…

So back to transition. I am going through a lot of transition, and during these times I have found that the love and softness of my slave to be very comforting.    Her patience and understanding, her always finding ways to gently remind me about the difference in  what is right and when I make hasty decisions  that are  motivated by hurt and anger, what is my responsibility, and when it is not my job to carry the baggage of others.  She reminds' me of how much  I deserve and all that I offer to my friends', loved ones, and the community around me.   She reminds me of what I can and cannot control.  Her ability to provide all of these these things has  made all of the difference to me as I go through a world of emotional changes.   In these things I hold my slave in the highest esteem.  It isn’t that she tells me what is pretty, or what I want to hear,  it is that she tells me what I need to hear, even if it burn s a little. 

It is through service that she leads. 

I know that everything will work itself out.  Life has a tendency to do that.  I also know that in another year or so I will be looking back at this time thinking “that was rough, but I made it, and I have that under my belt as another accomplishment in life.” 

Of all of the things that are painful, difficult, challenging, and hurtful right now, it is her love that I will remember the most, her patience as she takes me onto her lap and scratches my back and tells me all of those things that help me to fall asleep.

That is service, it is love, and it is the most selfless act that is driven by hope, faith, service, and 11 years of a life together.

So through  all of the transitions I feel her walking with me, sitting on my shoulder, reminding me that I can  be better, I can  be more,  and being with her--   makes me want to be.

Race, Oppression AND Privilege

Recently there has been a lot of talk about race,   privilege, and oppression. Last month AEL’s munch was on unlearning racism that started with an opening exercise. The idea was that the moderator announces a group, and if you were a part of that group you moved across the room, and if you weren’t a part of that group you stayed put, with the option of being part of that group but remaining in the closet about it. 

The concept was that those that moved to the other side of the room were the oppressed, and those that stayed put were the oppressors.  If a person did not want to participate then they were asked to leave the room.

It was an interesting exercise that required a lot of vulnerability from the players and at first I didn’t really have an issue with the game or how it played out. For me the game was about me being honest with myself and honest with the other players. The qualifiers included everything from race, class, abuse, ability and so on. 

About a week  later I was talking about the exercise with a friend who  said that the issue for them was not that the oppressed people went to the other side of the room, but that those who were left over where automatically oppressors because they did not belong to the oppressed group.

When the moderator said “has a visible disability” those that moved to the other side of the room were the oppressed and those that stayed put where the oppressors of that group, or someone who remained in the closet. 

So- I have a visible disability, I need glasses. But I didn’t move to the other side of the room because I don’t feel that bad eyesight is a disability. That made me either in the closet regarding my visible disability, or an oppressor of those that had visible disabilities.

 I thought about that for a while, and I thought, just because I was borne a certain way or have achieved certain things, does not automatically make me an oppressor. It does make me a person with privilege, I have white privilege, women privilege, dyke privilege, middle class privilege and to a certain extent leather privilege. But that does not automatically mean that I oppress those of color, men, straight people, upper class people or vanilla people. 

I am not egotistical enough to believe that I am not a racist or unbiased, that I don’t see color, religion, or gender. I see all of those things and being married to black witch women does not absolve me from being a racist either.

I am biased; I believe that we all are that is what makes oppressor vs. oppressed such a complicated issue. Just because I am  a lesbian does not mean  that I cannot  be oppressed by other lesbians, and just because I am  a lesbian  and considered  oppressed doesn’t mean that I don’t have the power to  oppress straight people.

What all of this does mean is that we all have choices to make every day, choices in what we say, what we do, what we get angry over, what we are vulnerable to, and what we choose to remain silent about.

Will  I still sweat  next  time I am  out at 3 AM  after a play party and  I have stop for gas- and need to cross through that group  of men to go pay for it. Yes I will. I will have a heightened alert for my safety and the safety of my slave -absolutely; can that mean that I could be considered being gender biased. You bet.  Do I care?  Nope.

I will go one further- I may not even get out of the car, and look for another gas station. Does that make me biased and perhaps even classist? Yep. Do I care? Nope.

I think my point here is that we can discuss all of the things that make up racism, biases, oppression and privilege, but unless we really focus on the things that matter we will never get anywhere.  So what matters?

I know what matters to me, civil and federal rights, personal safety and equality in the workplace. For me,  protecting my personal  safety and that of my slave by finding another gas station  is completely different then refusing to  medically treat a  male  and his friends.

They just aren’t the same thing. Right? Right?

Can it be argued that what starts as avoiding the gas station can end up as refusing to medically treat? Yes. It happened to gays in the beginning of the Aids crisis, and still occurs. It happened to Muslims and Arabs after 911 and still occurs, and it happens to the homeless every day. 

So what is my point here? I think my point here is racism; biases, oppression and privilege are complex issues that belong to all of us. Whether we want them to or not, and not one single thing gets us absolution from having to deal with those issues.

Just to be clear here, there is no real answer. There is no final right answer that makes any one of us that perfectly unbiased person.  And for the love of god stop having the" I am less racist then you" conversation- it’s embarrassing.

Leather and Poly

Out of all of the aspects that I have assumed control over my slave the one that I don’t, through my choice, is the polyamorous aspect of our  relationship.  My slaves dating interests don’t have to go through me, nor do I tell her no when it comes to who she chooses. We do however both have a few strict rules that we follow in choosing our dating partners. No drugs, no alcoholics, must be employed.  The other “unspoken” rules that speak to whether or not the relationship continues are must be excellent in bed, must be independent, must be able to speak intelligently. 

Overall, however, I don’t interfere in her dating, and I don’t monitor her correspondence. I know that a lot of Masters do and that they have rules where the other person has to go through the Master to initiate dating with their slave. 

I do however have complete say over who plays with her.   My slave is never loaned out. I may from time to time invite someone to play with her when I am playing with her. But that is very rare. Personally I don’t understand the loaning out thing. I don’t get off on it, I find it rather distasteful.  I don’t mean playing with other people - that kind of loaning out I get. I mean loaning the slave out for sex. I don’t get that at all. I think that it is kind of gross, really. 

 When my slave is looking at dating she says that she isn’t interested in dating someone who is leather, she isn’t interested in her other lovers having any type of D/s element. Interesting huh? she says that being a slave is exhausting!!! LOL!!!   she can’t imagine being that tired with her other lovers!

Honestly speaking, the other reason that I don’t interfere with her dating is because I was   monogamous for many years. Although she was poly and she would date, we were mostly poly in theory and monogamous in practice. I didn’t take any control over her  polyamorous choices because I didn’t feel that I could do it responsibly. I didn’t feel that I would pick her other partners fairly and because of my own insecurities I would simply say no to everyone. So since I couldn’t be fair and responsible, I didn’t take control over that part of her life. Then when she found another partner that she was serious about really dating and wanted to start a sexual relationship with that person, it rocked me to my core. We went through it for about 5 months as we struggled to find where polyamory legitimately had a place in our lives. It was so deeply difficult at that time.

But we did come out on the other side, much stronger, much happier, very much in love. I however, still don’t take any control over that part of her life. Even though now I feel that I would be much more responsible, I still feel that those choices need to be hers. We do discuss things like sex, and negotiate time and make sure that we are both comfortable.  But those negations are done outside of the boundaries of our Master and slave relationship, just in case she would feel a need to withhold how she feels or what she wants for the sake of her service.   

Also conversely, when I date another partner I negotiate time and sex with my slave. I don’t just tell her who I am seeing and when we are going to do things. We do talk about it and I am very careful to take in her feelings.

I have heard of Masters who bring in other slaves, or submissive's or who tell their slave that they have to have a relationship sexually with someone else, and are surprised when the slave has FEELINGS about that.

I think that relationships, especially multiple ones, are delicate things. And I think that as much as Masters have control over our slaves, how a slave feels is their own. I want my slave to have full emotionally rich relationships, and only she knows who those people can be who would really fulfill her. 

After all  a  happy slave makes for a happy house.

What you say matters

I love it when I hear  a quote or an idea that makes me stop in my tracks and think. It is one of those a-ha moments that I love and that many times  reminds me of  how closely knit we all really are.
So here are  some of my favorites:

I was at a work meeting and my  boss was talking about productivity and company goals when he said this:
" A person cannot hold an  ideal in their  head with an action  that is contrary until one or the other must change." T.G.

And instead of thinking about company goals and productivity I instantly thought of BDSM and this community. About how people come into BDSM, and how all of us  have something in common- in that we choose our lives and relationships because we desire to have our actions meet our ideals.  For some those ideals are about  service or submission,  for others it can be about domination  or control.  
For others this quote can  describe how people can get out of an abusive, neglectful  or unfulfilling relationship. The ideal being an understanding of their self worth and their actions being in contrast to the support of that, leading to a change.


There was one my mom told me when I was in my teens. I was having a really rough go of things and she came into my room, sat down  and said the most honest thing that I carry with me still:
 "I can't promise you that things are going to get better, but I can promise you that they will change."



I think of this now as I look  at how far the community has come, how much it has changed, and how change brings the optimism of better.  Not the delivery of better, just the hope. 


There is a thingy on my desk that reads from author unknown:
"You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do."

This is one of my biggies. Although intellectually I know that people will see what they want and need  to see no  matter what a person  does. That ultimately how I am  seen has more to do with the other persons  needs and filters then it will ever do with my intent or actions.  But I hold onto this because I need it for me.

I need to feel that even though I cant control how others feel about what I do- what I feel about what I do-  my reputation with myself- needs to have purpose. 



The one that I remember form that movie with Ben Kingsley when  he played Gandhi. I don't know if Gandhi ever said it, but Ben  was sure powerful when he did:
 "Do  it with  joy in your heart or not at all."

I use this when locking my slaves collar. When  talking about service, and when thinking about my own projects and leather journey.




I think that what amazes me is that the power of words and the intention of them can  be global, that we are there too in those thoughts and quotes and words.

I wonder was Gandhi leather?


Then there are the things that I have come up with and tell myself frequently:
"I can  do this, I can  do anything for --- hours."
"No Worries."
"What is the worst that can happen?"
"Well- that sucks real bad..."
"Yea- when pink monkeys fly out of my butt."
"How's that workin for ya?"

And my all time favorite:

"well........shit......."