Inner parts, outer parts

I think that I have written about this before, but it was a long time ago and recently it has come up again. A lOOOOOOOOOOng time ago before I was gay and before I was leather I was at a horse expo in Colorado. I wasn’t expo-ing that year I was just a spectator. In between events and competitions there was a “Horse Master” who was doing a demo about his expertise. He had his legion of fans of course and behind him was his class of students that had followed him, his entourage, so to speak. So in the center of the arena he was doing tricks with his horse. The showy stuff, getting the horse to lie down, go down on one knee, follow hand signals that type of thing.

 At one point he just happened to look back at his students. I remember following his gaze and seeing what had caught his eye. 

One of his students, a very young, thin girl was having considerable trouble with her horse. It was rearing, bucking, trying to bolt, and running into other horses. It was becoming a danger not only to its rider, but also to the other horses and riders that where there. She was doing everything that she could to get the horse to calm down with no results. The “Horse Master” however, seeing the trouble that she was having ignored the struggling horse and rider and turned back around to continue with his show. 

This experience has stuck with me ever since. It has permeated its way into how I think and what I experience in my leather walk. What is the point of pretty pony tricks if the basics of life are ignored? What is the point of having amazing public protocol if behind closed doors everything is a fight?  What is the point of looking your best only to have every request ignored, or complained about? 

And this goes for both sides of the whip. What is the point of a beautiful, amazing, and powerful slave if the Master is a gasbag jerk off that can’t see their way out of their own toy closet? 

I think about this a lot. For me the real service is the service that happens behind the doors. It is beautiful when it is public and recognized, but what emotionally goes on between the people is where the actual power is.  

I have seen beautiful play, beautiful players. I have been mesmerized by the intensity of public protocol that has left my head spinning, only to see where the people truly were emotionally and think oh- no. I really wanted it to be different, for me, for them. I wanted to see them a certain way, I wanted that to be real. And yet I know that if they had spent as much time and focus on their inner parts as they do their outer parts maybe they wouldn’t be walking away from play and service feeling empty and confused.

We are told that somehow the acts of service, and play should be deeply fulfilling for us. And when they aren’t, or they leave us questioning, it can very confusing. So here is a little light on the subject.  If a person is not emotionally fulfilled in the basis of their relationship then play and service will not fill those holes. It will give them something to do. It will give them something to focus on, it will distract them from how they are feeling, but in the end, the feelings of being unfulfilled will remain.

People do different things with those feelings.  If they stay in the relationship sometimes they get nasty with others. I have noticed that people that are really unfulfilled tend to do a lot of “Mine is better or bigger then yours” talk.  "My service is more meaningful, deeper, more thought out then yours" kind of thing.

 I will give slaves this, their ability to be passive aggressive is highly evolved involved in them. (Just kidding!!!)

 However it happens in slaves as much as in Masters.  When Masters do it they don’t even try to hide that shit. They just whip it out and go at each other. It’s ugly, but true and one of the main reasons why having a Dominant or Masters Group can be a very big challenge.  The interesting thing is that I know it when I see it. When a Master or a Dominant comes over to me and is all swagger, or says something really idiotic that they think is really enlightened, it shines a light on their feelings of being unfulfilled.  

But then who knows maybe I am just the asshole here.  I can feel it coming a mile away. I have been that idiot. I know what that feels like.  I know how it feels to sit across from people that I feel are very secure and fulfilled and feel like I come up short. That is why I started really working on the things that matter the most.  Not just because of that feeling of being less then, but being inspired by others who have that depth with their partners.  I want that, I fight for that. I don’t ever want to be the one who has the prettiest play only countered by the most vicious arguments. 

Funny how this memory has played itself out, I have often wondered what happened to that girl rider. Did she continue on with her horse path, or was she so disillusioned by that day that she put away her saddle, or find a new mentor? What would I have done? What would you have done?