Happy New Year!

It is that time of year, time to do “ye ol reflection” . What happened to you or because of you this year?  How has your life changed? How have your view and your outlook changed? What have you accomplished or put aside? I like this time of year, I like the idea of looking back and seeing what I have done over time. Have I accomplished my goals, have I remained stagnant? 

It feels good this year to look  back, the house is warm,  the horses are eating, I am  currently enjoying my slaves amazing Puerto Rican pink beans and rice, and I have been  rabidly fulfilling my bucket list for my winter break  before I go  back  to school in January. 

This year we have decided to spend the turnover of the New Year at home in front of a fire with sparkling cider and movies. It is indicative, I think, of the changes in our lives over the last year. The first day of the New Year is planned to be filled with play, food, love and family.  

Happy New Year Everybody.

  Happy Dreams and Goals-  my this be “Your Year”  the year when  your life changes for the better and may it be that by this time next year may you  be wrapped up  in  the warmth of accomplished dreams.

Trained? BULLSHIT.

OK- I wasn’t going to say anything, but the more I thought about it the more I got really pissed. I don’t know why I am pissed about this, it is stupid and silly and pointless but here goes. Last week I was approached by a slave- nothing new there. 

She had supposedly been “trained”, ok fine, worthless, but fine. When she wrote it was in text shorthand to the point where I could not understand her.  So I said “if you are going to talk to me, please do so in complete sentences with punctuation”.  

Now I know that my grammar, punctuation, syntax, and tenses need A LOT of work. I am not that blind. But dammit I can complete a sentence and put a period on the end of it before I start the next one. 

When she attempted full sentences I gave her some lee way despite the lack of punctuation because she was trying. Then I asked her “What did you learn about yourself during your training?”

Her response, no shit here, direct quote “i learn being submissive”   then “submissive to anyone that got me as slave”.  

No shit. Direct quote.

So at that point gave up and I asked again “do you know how to write in complete sentences with punctuation?”   

When she said yes, I thought “OK that is a starting point. Let’s try again.”  So I said “OK good then do so.”

Not only was she unable to write in complete sentences with any form of punctuation, she had absolutely no sense of insight or self. As the short conversation went on her ability to write would degenerate back to texting form.

Finally I just got pissed and wrote her off.
A little later I came back, I couldn’t help myself, and I said “I am curious- where you unable to answer the question or unable to write in complete sentences?”


No surprise that she never did answer…


What has me pissed about this is that someone “trained her”. Trained her for what?  To fuck, give blow jobs, and take a whip? To put up titty and pussy pics? That isn’t being trained, that is being used.


Where in her training was she prepared for the BDSM world? Where was she taught how to communicate, how to represent herself, how to bring something to the table. Instead here she is thinking that her training has prepared for what BDSM has to offer. 

Instead of insight she is doing daily kneeling exercises. Instead of learning how to follow simple requests like using complete sentences and punctuation, she learned how to spread eagle and pinch her nipples for the camera.


It made my stomach turn.


The worst part is that I know that there are Masters out there who would love to get their hands on her, to exploit her stupidity for their own means and gains. I would venture to guess that is exactly what her “training” consisted of.


I know that this happens; I know that there are many out there who claim to train so that they can get a piece of ass. But having that short conversation where I was dealing with the reality of that outcome made me nauseous.

It was disheartening. 

What could she have been? Did she have talents? Thoughts? Abilities? 

The sad thing is more than me not knowing, she probably doesn’t know.

The Art ot the Warm Up

Warm up is an art. It really is.  That being said, I don’t have the best warm up skills. I am  not the most patient of people and I catch  myself going too  fast to soon and having to  back track more often  than I would like.  While we were playing the other day   I really wanted to focus on the warm up, and soak all of it in. 

I realized that because warm ups are not as glamorous as the other parts of play, that they are often taken for granted. I do them, but I want to do them better, more effectively, and more thoroughly. I want to set the stage for the meat of play with clear intention and sharpen my assessment skills of her reactions.  

 I thought maybe that I would be bored by concentrating on the simple things. But that didn’t happen at all. By relaxing into the warm up I surprised myself. I was able to realize that I really have come far in my play.  I could sense where she was. I tried to really attune myself to her, feeling her out, not just physically, but emotionally. 

My slave has the cutest butt and it completely relays where she is in her relaxation. So that makes it easy- but I loved the fact that I tuned in to her moans and wiggles and that they went right to my crotch.

Refocusing on the warm up took away the pressure that play can sometimes put on me to perform, and it allowed for other things to come forward. 

It might be a surprise to some to find that the Top identified person feels some pressure to perform. I think it is more common that is discussed.

It isn’t that there isn’t love in the play, or skill, or that the play doesn’t get us off, it does all those things. But like sex- there is a “thrusting “partner and that is the one that drives the feeling of the players time together.

So  like sex-  there is a  certain  amount of performance that happens that can  create a really powerful  time, a mediocre time, or a “well  that was  an ummmm”  time.  

Part of creation of an experience is, in my opinion, formed by the connection between the players, the Tops ability to read the bottom, the type of toy used, the setting, the negotiation, and the overall feeling.

But then there is something deeper, something less describable, something that when it is there you feel it and know it and when it is not you feel  its absence just a much--

It is the thing that the Top brings to the scene, sometimes through flourish, sometimes through skill, sometimes through raw and open emotion. That thing that makes both players fly- that thing that makes scenes memorable (for a variety of reasons, good and bad), that thing that makes the players masturbate to the memory of that scene for months, even years later.  

So if the Top person isn’t careful the weight of creating that thing can take over the scene itself and the rest gets lost in the pressure of the creating. The need to be seen as skilled, creative, fierce, imposing, tough, a “real” player, a real “Top”, by their bottom  or the community. This can lead to a glossing over of warm up time and a sense of competitiveness with other Top identified people. 

And- by the way- whether this is real or imagined is irreverent to the feelings it creates. 

So when I went  back to the basics by re experiencing warm up, it   brought all of that to the surface. I have felt the competitiveness in my head, I have let the pressure of what I thought I "should be" doing allow what I "could be" doing to take a back seat.

So making the warm up be the play has changed my focus. It has allowed me to fall in love with her body all over again, to give me the ability to  return myself to her moans, and her clues. To refocus on her, me, and my crotch, as it should be! To release the pressure and follow my lust and her moans to be the things that create the scene.  

It was really neat. It was really -  beautiful.

I want I want I want!!!!!

Finals are over. I have spent the past year pent up.

I want to play until my arms fall off.

 I want to  fuck until  my fingers and face are numb and the vibrator short circuits the house.

 I want to be fucked until  my pussy is swollen  and raw.

I want to have threesomes for hours.

I want to  go  out in  the afternoon and work  in the pasture until it is dark.

I want to put up the round pen  and start Rainey on her new path.

I want to  brush  Pokey’s mane until  he gets annoyed and poops at me.

I want to  go  to play parties.

I want to go  to munches.

I want to  light fire, drink  apple cider and make fun  of the acting in a B movie.

I want to celebrate all I can  until January when it all  starts again.

I want to  get started RIGHT NOW!

Right after I nap.....

Empowerment through avoidance.

First off I blame my slave-  ever since she had been  experimenting with  bath bombs, cookies, and stuff that fizzes and explodes into  these amazing smells and colors in  water I have not been able to  take a normal  bath. I don’t even  want to  any more!!!

OK  that being said.

 Last week  was the Albuquerque Masters Group  meeting, it went really well,  very intense. There was a lot discussed, and this time instead of “questions in the hat” I did  more of a leaded discussion. It was really deep  and thought provoking. I am  grateful  to  all  that attended for stretching my own  ideas and giving me new things to ponder.

One of the ideas that was brought forth was  that Masters control  slaves for a sense of safety. It was a huge idea for me- really interesting in its perspective. 

The concept is that Masters that need to  micromanage everything that the slave does,  says,  and thinks are more driven  by their innate sense of feeling unsafe then  they are  driven by feeling a sense of control.

I have always wondered about Masters that micromanage,  since I am  not one of them. As that isn’t how I connect to  my sense of power. But micromanagement is popular among Masters and although  I figured that is how they connect with  their sense of power, it never occurred to  me that it is also  how they  connect to  their sense of safety. 

But it makes perfect sense-

The need to feel  that they have absolute control  over something, the need to not deal with  who  they are because they  “have to/get to” put all  of their energy in   dealing  with something outside of themselves. They don’t have to  think  about their own lives, accountability,  even  long term  decisions-  because they have to deal in  the right here and now with  their slave. Moment by moment. 

Now I am  talking in  exaggerated  terms here- I am  not saying that all  Masters that micromanage do  it because they can’t deal  with  their own  self. I am  saying that when  someone is constantly training, overseeing,  managing,  correcting, and focusing on  what another is doing- it takes the pressure off of the overseer when it comes to doing a self assessment. 

“I can’t think about (fill in the blank here)  because that slave is looking to send out an  email and I WILL  see if they get to send it.”

Exaggerated but I think there is some truth there.

So  as far as how that ties into  a feelings of safety- the Master doesn’t have to  feel  fear, insecurity, or discomfort because  nothing is about them. It all  gets diverted to the slave. The emotional concentration is on  what the slave is doing- so the Master doesn’t have to  recognize what is going on  in their own  emotional lives.

Think of it like this-  you are feeling bitchy- you don’t know why- so  you pick  a fight in  your relationship  to  feel  better (or relieve some steam) instead of dealing with why your feeling bitchy. That way  the feeling of discomfort gets to  become  someone else’s fault.

Master woke up  feeling insecure- find something that the slave did wrong, of just make it up. Then  it gets to  be about the Master getting emotional relief because of what the slave did or didn’t do instead of the Master  dealing with  how they feel.

Feeling unaccomplished and lost- no  worries there- pick out the slaves clothes, watch  how many drops of salt they put in  your eggs,  and not allow them  to  pee when they ask. Suddenly the  focus is on  what the slave is doing and not how the Master is feeling. 

Now I know that I am going out of the box here- really exaggerating the point-  but I do believe that there is some kernel of reality there.

Or at the very least, something to  think about-

When  a Masters sense of empowerment comes from  avoidance.  Huh.

My brain hurts…..

Although I am grateful-  You  Suck Bernalillo……