Should there be a title in New Mexico?

This week we had the pleasure of being asked to present at AEL on a panel with some amazing people. There were three other people beside my slave and I, and we all had completely different prospective on the topics. It was really interesting to listen to the others on the panel talk about their experiences, beliefs and desires. At the end of the topic there was one question that was asked, but as we were out of time, it went unanswered, and I thought that I would tackle it here.

 The question was “Should there be a title in New Mexico?” Basically one of the other panel members and I groaned in response. But over the next day or so I really thought about it. 

I think that if New Mexico would open another title that it would only be if the title itself had a purpose. If the titleholder was required to hold at least one fundraiser every three months, if they had to incorporate at least 4 different community groups into each fundraiser to provide across the board representation, if they had to teach a certain amount of classes over the year and account for every dollar raised, and send out a monthly report to the community at large through Fetlife.  I could see having a title again. 

But otherwise what would be the point?

Seriously?  What is the point? To have a title just to say we have a title-  big deal. And hat means what and does what for our community? It affects this community how? I am not ANTI- Title.  I am  ANTI- Purposeless.

There is a lot of planning, time, effort, energy, thought, love and devotion that goes into a title and its holders. People that dedicated themselves to holding a contest are passionate about it, and they also take quite the beating for it. The complaint list is always 3 times longer than the compliment list. It is hours of work.

So I say sure, a title in New Mexico   could be a really good thing. But have it come with a meaning, a purpose, and accountability. Make it be about more than how someone looks, and whether or not that person can travel. Make it about being a representative that does things in and for OUR community. That can bring together all kinds of people, someone who mobilizes, inspires and is a lightning rod for others. 

I can see where a title can do all sorts of good things- but only if it is formulated that away. Otherwise might as well stand in a group and throw out a sash and whoever catches it gets to try to remember it for the next year. 

If we are going to have a representative – how would you like them to represent you?

All Masters have something that they hesitate about.

There are things that we all have difficulty asking for from our partners and surprisingly Masters are no different.  This comes to mind because over the last few months I have had multiple conversations with different  people about their relationships and at one point the conversation  would drift to  things that they couldn’t  or wouldn’t ask  from their partner.   

When I look at those relationships I can sit back and see why they won’t ask from their partners.  Fear of losing the relationship, fear of angering an unstable partner, fear of exposing themselves when they already feel unsafe, fear of rejection, fear of emotional revenge. I can see those dynamics play out. 

These multiple conversations brought me to thinking about my relationship with my slave, but first to take apart reality from myth. 

Myth:  Masters- to be Masters – are always self assured, confident and able to ask for what they want and desire.  Masters are able to make what they want and desire happen with another person.

Reality: In all Masters there are things that we can’t talk about, or are afraid of asking for.  There are conversations that we don’t want to have and because we are used to being catered to are sometimes emotionally unprepared to have. Being catered to  means that the relationship  can  create  a sense of entitlement and sometimes we as Masters get so  comfortable in  what we are experiencing that having a conversation  about something that challenges us  becomes  too  difficult. In essence we can get emotionally lazy.  

Taking a back seat and looking at the relationships of others I can see what I think are clear reasons for someone to withhold asking for what they desire. But all of this brings me around to my relationship. How does what I am seeing in others equate to my relationship with my slave? I have thought about that over the last few days trying to come up with some insight. My slave rarely says no to me, and I can’t remember the last time she said no when it came to  a sex or service request. 

But still there are times and things that I don’t ask even though I desire them. Why? I could say because she (insert reason here).   But that really isn’t it. This is mine. 

Sometimes asking for what I desire is just hard. It has no  real  reason  why it is, and by that I mean  there is no  reason  based in  reality. My slave isn’t going to  say no, she isn’t going to  refuse, and she isn’t going to leave me or make me pay emotionally for a request. So  this is me.

And honestly  I don’t have answers as to  why I am  hesitant I just know that when it comes to  some desires I hesitate or go  without instead of asking. 

So  now I have a new something that I want to  challenge myself with.

I want to  ask  for that every difficult thing next time the occasion arises. I want to be able to  ask  for these things freely without double thinking myself.

So that is my goal.

Now- if I can just get her naked- no wait- that is an easy request…..

Squishy squishy Brain

My brain  is tired and I am  pretty sure oozing out of my skull. I wanted to  write about how one views/defines the self and how a   Master and slave relationship plays into that in both  a healthy and an  un healthy way. As well  as explore the paradox of the relationship  of a slave to  a Master within  that definition of self.
But I am soo  tired and spent.

So-  here are some pictures instead:

 Ripley and Modageet:

Loki

My beautiful slave wondering why I am  taking her picture....

You change –because I am uncomfortable.

Whew am I pissed. There is this lovely woman on  Fetlife, LadyinRope, who  attempted to put an  even  together for those aged 45-55. I thought that it was a great idea! However, she received such a violent backlash from the community for the age restriction that she pulled the event. People hounding her to lower and raise the age limit because that is what they wanted. It wasn’t they there were respectfully asking a question then and letting it go, they went after her. 

Not liking the rules they accused her of all sorts of bigotry, racism, and hate, and all she tried to do was form a group for others like her. 

I remember being on the receiving end of this a few years back when I was in Florida. I was doing a presentation in school about gay and lesbian rights, and one of the questions that I was asked was “why do gays need their own parade?”  No  matter how I tried to  explain  why we needed that parade, visibility,  networking, support,  pride, understanding not being alone, ect…  it was thrown  back  to  me as “So?" , "Other people  dont need a Pride parade- I just dont understand why you need a Pride parade." and "I could see it if it were more inclusive...."

 I finally understood that it wasn’t a real attempt at understanding; it was an attempt to start a fight.  This group didn’t like that they weren’t included, welcomed, celebrated, and held as the center of the Universe  and could not begin  to  fathom why it wasn’t all about them.

It was the audacity and the entitlement that was beyond belief then, and still is now.

The overall message being “You change –because I am uncomfortable.”

I think this really hits a nerve because it speaks to how people expect others to change and bend to make them feel  more secure and important.  When all the other person is doing is trying to get some support and fellowship with others that can understand their experience without having to explain or apologize for themselves.

I was so angry with that I was seeing on Fetlife that I wrote Lady and I implored her to have the event, to not let others bully or dissuade her from following her own vision. I also said that even though I was not included in her age range that I would do whatever she would need to happily support her in the venture. 

I also spoke with one of the main opponents to her event via e mail. They contacted me after I had posted on  the forum about bullying. This persons issue was that the event was discriminatory based on age and that the rules should be more inclusive. We have had several back and forth’s as to what this persons beliefs are versus what I feel should happen. 

Although it was a good debate over this person’s behavior, overall they thought that they had a right to go after someone when the group rules do not agree with their personal definition of inclusion.  I would not back  down  on  what I felt about their behavior being disrespectful,  bullying,  and that they were not “fighting discrimination” as they claimed to  be,  but instead they were pushing their own personal  agenda. This person doesn’t fight about discriminatory rules in groups that they have no interest in attending (Gay male, trans, Female Dominants with male subs, ect….)

For me, it isn’t about whether or not this person doesn’t like her rules- it is how they went about going after her. If someone doesn’t like the rules- I agree with their ability to respectfully voice their opinion and then to respectfully move on. I agree that everyone has a voice. However, I don’t agree with  using hot button issues  to  infer  that because the group  is age restrictive that the organizer is a racist, and I don’t agree with  not letting it go. 

Make your point- move on. You don’t like it- make your own group.

I may not like a group’s rules, but I do support their right as organizers to make them.
 This is a hard line when you think about it. But it is a right one. It protects and embraces our ability to be individuals and to have support and kinship with others like us. This does not mean that I agree with the rules- but it does mean that I respect the group’s organizers ability to make them. 

There are many groups that I do not  qualify for, and aren’t allowed into - some proudly- and I have a right to my voice. Should I choose to use it.

I absolutely support the right of groups to exclude on whatever basis they need or want to- including   gender, body type, identity, and yes- race.  Because what that means is that I have the same right. Is that discrimination? 
You bet it is. Groups by their very nature are discriminatory; they have rules of inclusion and exclusion that define that. But- that isn’t a bad thing. This allows others of like minds and experiences a safe place to come and be. 

This is a gift.

So after much debate, amazing Lady on Fetlife took her stand and had her first 45-55 year old event last Wednesday!  I was so thrilled when I read this, I wish her the best of luck, and any help that I can offer in her future endeavors!  

As far as her opponent- we continued to disagree over tactics and definitions, until they got caught in their own logic and un-freinded me.  Ask  me if I am  upset………

If you would like more information on the 45 year old to 55 year old upcoming events please contact me here or via my email and I will happily pass your information forward! If you are on Fetlife please contact LadyinRope for more details!

Masters insecure with each other

 This week at the Albuquerque Masters Group there was this question asked that I can’t get out of my head. I loved the openness and frankness of it. It read “For Masters: How do you deal with feelings of insecurity, especially in comparison to other Tops/Masters?”

I loved the question because it made no bones that everyone experiences insecurity, it didn’t ask “are you….?”  or “ What if…?” It when right to the meat of it- how do you deal with those feelings.

Because the secret is out- WE ALL HAVE THEM.  Feelings of being insecure are part of the human condition. Some may experience them more or less than others, some may not want to ever admit that they have them- but we all do. We all have those places or people in life that hit our insecurity buttons. And we may or may not know why.

So I thought about it- for like- 1/8^th of a second and blurted out “Oh Yes!” Of course I have insecurities, and of course sometimes those insecurities are bought out by other people. That is just a normal part of being a social animal.

 How do I deal with those insecurities when it comes to other Masters? That has changed over time. And it changes still depending on where I am in life. 

In the beginning I was OK to be insecure because I felt that my newness allowed for it, so my insecurity showed itself by asking questions. That soon went away, and when I was insecure I would become very quiet. Although still tried to ask a lot of questions, to try and help me understand the difference between me and them. 

Now, when I am insecure and it is at its worst,   I become quiet, hostile, and catty.  Not the fun gossipy catty- the ugly, petulant, I am better then you – catty. I try to find my footing because I don’t feel that I measure up and or that I am being judged. So I   go inside my head and try to find something wrong with the other person to feel better about myself.  Not pretty I know- but honest and human. After I am done getting quiet and catty, I try to ask a lot of questions, it helps me find common ground and put my insecurity aside, to see them as a more complete person, and to give myself that same consideration.  

I also try to remind myself that there will always be things that I excel at and things that others excel at.  And they have a right to those things as much as I do. I try really hard to not take out my insecurities on that other person. I try to acknowledge that this is my problem, and that it is not their fault that I feel insecure. 

Honestly- sometimes I am a successful and sometime I am not! 

I know that there will always be those types of Masters that automatically find their way into my insecurities. Not their fault- just my own issue. There are those Masters that enjoy creating insecurity in other Masters, there are those Masters that just create insecurity by their being who they are- no extra effort needed.

Being insecure is never easy; it is the human comparison of the self to others. And it is visible in every stage of a person’s life. Although what I measured myself against 13 years ago is different then what I do now, I still do it. As I have grown  I try to  ask  more questions, I try to  find that thing in  the person that I can  relate to  and give them  their due as to what they have fought for and earned in their life.  In essence I try to not make my insecurities their problem. But I am not ALWAYS able to do it.

It is after all-  a life of growth.