I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html

Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us

I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information!
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Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:

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KinkySpot Clubhouse

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New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More

Friday, August 8, 2014

You change –because I am uncomfortable.

Whew am I pissed. There is this lovely woman on  Fetlife, LadyinRope, who  attempted to put an  even  together for those aged 45-55. I thought that it was a great idea! However, she received such a violent backlash from the community for the age restriction that she pulled the event. People hounding her to lower and raise the age limit because that is what they wanted. It wasn’t they there were respectfully asking a question then and letting it go, they went after her. 

Not liking the rules they accused her of all sorts of bigotry, racism, and hate, and all she tried to do was form a group for others like her. 

I remember being on the receiving end of this a few years back when I was in Florida. I was doing a presentation in school about gay and lesbian rights, and one of the questions that I was asked was “why do gays need their own parade?”  No  matter how I tried to  explain  why we needed that parade, visibility,  networking, support,  pride, understanding not being alone, ect…  it was thrown  back  to  me as “So?" , "Other people  dont need a Pride parade- I just dont understand why you need a Pride parade." and "I could see it if it were more inclusive...."

 I finally understood that it wasn’t a real attempt at understanding; it was an attempt to start a fight.  This group didn’t like that they weren’t included, welcomed, celebrated, and held as the center of the Universe  and could not begin  to  fathom why it wasn’t all about them.

It was the audacity and the entitlement that was beyond belief then, and still is now.

The overall message being “You change –because I am uncomfortable.”

I think this really hits a nerve because it speaks to how people expect others to change and bend to make them feel  more secure and important.  When all the other person is doing is trying to get some support and fellowship with others that can understand their experience without having to explain or apologize for themselves.

I was so angry with that I was seeing on Fetlife that I wrote Lady and I implored her to have the event, to not let others bully or dissuade her from following her own vision. I also said that even though I was not included in her age range that I would do whatever she would need to happily support her in the venture. 

I also spoke with one of the main opponents to her event via e mail. They contacted me after I had posted on  the forum about bullying. This persons issue was that the event was discriminatory based on age and that the rules should be more inclusive. We have had several back and forth’s as to what this persons beliefs are versus what I feel should happen. 

Although it was a good debate over this person’s behavior, overall they thought that they had a right to go after someone when the group rules do not agree with their personal definition of inclusion.  I would not back  down  on  what I felt about their behavior being disrespectful,  bullying,  and that they were not “fighting discrimination” as they claimed to  be,  but instead they were pushing their own personal  agenda. This person doesn’t fight about discriminatory rules in groups that they have no interest in attending (Gay male, trans, Female Dominants with male subs, ect….)

For me, it isn’t about whether or not this person doesn’t like her rules- it is how they went about going after her. If someone doesn’t like the rules- I agree with their ability to respectfully voice their opinion and then to respectfully move on. I agree that everyone has a voice. However, I don’t agree with  using hot button issues  to  infer  that because the group  is age restrictive that the organizer is a racist, and I don’t agree with  not letting it go. 

Make your point- move on. You don’t like it- make your own group.

I may not like a group’s rules, but I do support their right as organizers to make them.
 This is a hard line when you think about it. But it is a right one. It protects and embraces our ability to be individuals and to have support and kinship with others like us. This does not mean that I agree with the rules- but it does mean that I respect the group’s organizers ability to make them. 

There are many groups that I do not  qualify for, and aren’t allowed into - some proudly- and I have a right to my voice. Should I choose to use it.

I absolutely support the right of groups to exclude on whatever basis they need or want to- including   gender, body type, identity, and yes- race.  Because what that means is that I have the same right. Is that discrimination? 
You bet it is. Groups by their very nature are discriminatory; they have rules of inclusion and exclusion that define that. But- that isn’t a bad thing. This allows others of like minds and experiences a safe place to come and be. 

This is a gift.

So after much debate, amazing Lady on Fetlife took her stand and had her first 45-55 year old event last Wednesday!  I was so thrilled when I read this, I wish her the best of luck, and any help that I can offer in her future endeavors!  

As far as her opponent- we continued to disagree over tactics and definitions, until they got caught in their own logic and un-freinded me.  Ask  me if I am  upset………

If you would like more information on the 45 year old to 55 year old upcoming events please contact me here or via my email and I will happily pass your information forward! If you are on Fetlife please contact LadyinRope for more details!


  1. Totally agree about the bullying. Its very ironic that the "You (individual) must love/accept/enjoy everyone, at all times, regardless of what they do, or what you need in your life" ethic is enforced as "I (bully) will not love/not accept/ not enjoy you in particular, ever, because of this one thing I don't like, because what you need in your life is not valid to me"

    1. I agree with the "not valid to me." statement. Going to if I cant see it - it must not exist.

  2. Though I should add that at least some of the time, these egalitarian ideals about human rights, when they are extended to race, may be confusing to a person who was not born and raised in the US or other race devided country. The laws about racsim here are intended to protect people from not having a place to eat, a place to sit, a chance at an education, a career,... not to make everyone have to like everyone else. Im glad for people that don't have that as part of their cultural heritage

    1. Is there such a thing as a non race divided country? I think you make a good point about the concept of equality not intended to make people like each other.
      I also think that there are two types of discrimination- discrimination for inclusion, and discrimination for exclusion. People looking for others like them - no matter the basis- have a right to call the shots. As a leather lesbian of size, I understand completely wanting to be around others who have had the same experiences without having to justify or explain myself. If that also means that the Fox news team also gets to meet without harassment- then so be it.

    2. That makes sense. I agree no country / defined social group is free of racism. Its human nature to categorize people, and skin color is a really easy way to start that process. But having a heritage of slavery and openly legally enforced division is different. Im not an expert in other countries, but for example, as small and homogenous as Scandinavia seems, I know the Norwegians think xyz about the Swedes, everyone says the Danes are too short and ugly... etc... that will probably never go away. But its a far cry from jim crow.

      Going from "any judgement based on race is racism", while technically true, negates a hugely different set of values and lenses that result from a culture of violently enforced institutional racism.

      Thats neither here nor there, in terms of relevance, but it is an example of applying a general example to a specific situation (e.g. a patient with liver failure and a historyof IVDA (general) automatically is assumed to have hep c) or a specific situation being generalized (a patient that you know has hep c will automatically be treated as if they have an history of ivda). I am sure you have seen both of these happen.

      That kind of thinking is very common in the kink community. Because 1- "the community" wants yo assume that generally, all people are "good" at heart, even if their self expression is "bad", like beating their girlfriend. But we all carry cultural baggage.... its just more obvious when someone with different cultural baggage tries to apply their logic to something new.

      But that is only a tangent, nor small part of a huge discussion about differences and similarities, inclusion and exclusion.

  3. Good Morning Letty- this "while technically true, negates a hugely different set of values and lenses that result from a culture of violently enforced institutional racism." This is so powerfully put.

    I agree that while all cultures have racism that some have not taken it a far as the US have in recent years.
    It is amazing what happens when you do a little digging and find out what other countries have done - and recently. Countries may not be writing Jim Crow laws- however their social structure allows, caters to and validates the violence to and oppression of the "other".

    As my amazing slave one told me as cultures become more sophisticated so must their racism to keep up.

    This to me begs the question- what have our Jim Crow laws turned into? Jim Crow by name went away- but the attitude and values that allowed it to happen in the first place are very much alive-

    I loved when you wrote this: "....but it is an example of applying a general example to a specific situation"

    This discussion that I ended up having applied this in the any means necessary category- the ends justified the means. Taking your example (well put- BTW) - Not only does every one with liver failure also an IVDA- CONSEQUENTLY-- I have a right to treat them _____ . That is were it all gets ugly.

    This person and others really believed that because they thought that they were right that that gave them the ability to say whatever they wanted. Then when challenged-- not with whether they were right or not- but their behavior- they became unable to hold the conversation.

    Using their belief of rightness as justification for harassment. And whola- Jim Crow in its newer form.

  4. Wow. Yeah. You are right. A great example of social evolution! (bitter ironic laughing)

  5. http://www.theonion.com/articles/police-officer-doesnt-see-a-difference-between-bla,36683/ funny but depressing but funny. Fairly far removed from the original topic.

    There are many "other-isms". Racism ageism sexism classism are a few. They're really not comparable. Every flavor of ugly is its own special snowflake. But none of them are equivalent. Your initial premise stands (your right to make choices is valid, no matter why you make those particular choices). And taking the rights of others, using intimidation, is exactly what bullying is. So true.

  6. Good Morning Letty- I read the onion article : OMG!! He said that OUT LOUD- where people can see it.!!! HOLY SHIT! Well- subtle and not so subtle.....

  7. Its a spoof. A eerily accurate one

  8. and another tasteless look at America http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/how-many-more-black-teenagers-have-die-racism-just-774

  9. So- Funny story- I had forgotten that the Onion was a spoof until I told my slave what I was reading an when she was done laughing her ass off- she filled me in!
    I enjoyed the blog by Swenson- the dripping sarcasm was right up my alley!