The AMG and Does religion Matter?

The last AMG (Albuquerque Masters Group) was very invigorating for me. There were a lot of really thought provoking questions asked, and so much sharing and candor. There was so much to mull over that I am still thinking about some of what was said and what I learned. 

One of the questions asked brought on a very good debate, it was “could you own someone of a significantly different sexual preference then yours?” It was a powerful question. Some people said yes, others said no, it was well debated and everyone seemed to have a strong opinion. The cool thing was that no one was more right than anyone else and everyone listened to what others had to say.

 However this question got me to thinking- what things would matter in an M/s relationship if they were directly opposite of each other? Sexual preference, religion, economic status, educational status, health status? All of those things influence a person’s inner perspective, quality of life, and how they view their place in the world as a whole. So what would it mean if the Master and the slave are on extremely different ends of one another?

 Of course the easy answer is “love- or service - conquers all”. 

Yea- OK- and now back  to real life. 

My first wife was a christian. At first it didn’t bother me, but over time it became more and more a pressured issue, and after a while it was blatantly obvious to  me  that it was something that I didn’t want any part of. What she would say when I wouldn’t want to go to the latest christian gathering was that I was unsupportive of her, or how could I understand her if I didn’t understand her spiritual base? (I am toning it down here, but that was the gist of it.)

These were powerful statements especially in the face of me being introduced as her “friend” at these gatherings. I hated going, but I didn’t feel I had much of an emotional choice.  When I wouldn’t go she would escalate.  Always with a reason that in that time and space sounded reasonable, and when I would go she would de-escalate. 

There are those that say- it isn’t the religion - it is how the person uses the religion- and I get that and it is a beautiful theory- but the reality is that opposite religions is another thing that separates people in their most intimate of times- dealing with stress, marriage, birth, death, divorce. 

My ex was under a ton of stress and pressure from her family and friends because of her sexuality changing- so when she was feeling pressured, or under stress she went back to her religion for comfort. When I could no longer be a part of it with her, or even pretend to be, it increased the already widening gap between her and me. I don’t think that she thought that she was being unreasonable. I think that she really believed that if we could share in that together that it would somehow make “us” better. 

That is not how it felt to me- it felt like an assault to my senses- an assault to what I felt was right and to what I viscerally believed to be true. It was some of the hardest times in my life to be sitting or standing at those gatherings or that church and just feeling so on guard that I would feel  nauseous and afterwards I ached all over and had to go to rest.

Now- the whole marriage was bad- but that was just one aspect of how difficult it was to be with someone who was so spiritually different from me.

My slave and I have the same religion, although we both practice different aspects of it. I am grateful for this. I learned a lot from watching and talking with my slave. But I wonder, what would it mean for us if her spiritual path was directly in opposition to mine? Could I do that again and stay in a relationship where I felt that I could not relate to or was deeply offended by her spiritual path?

I believe that as a Master there are things that I have no right to mess with and my slave’s spiritual path is one of them. That is something that she has to decide for herself and I feel that even though I have ownership over her that her spiritual path is her and hers alone.

I am blessed that I don’t have to ask these questions of myself and my slave. 

But I think that the question has merit. We can say that those things can be negotiated, that they shouldn’t matter, but they do matter and anything can be negotiated except for how a person feels- that can never be negotiated. 

So  as I look  back  now  it now  I can only say That I am so  utterly grateful  that I don’t have to deal with  that. I don’t know if I could. Having the same spiritual base has given me insight into my slave and how we celebrate life together.

 I am not saying that it is not doing able - for many it is- I am saying that I am glad that it isn’t were we are.

Spring Break, Respectful sack rubbing, Broken Dolls, FIGHT CLUB!!!!

This week I have had the amazing fortune of being social because I am on spring break. 

We went to the AEL play party, we had the Albuquerque Masters group, and then went to the Wet munch. So I wanted to share with you the things that I heard- about and from -the leather community at these events that have made me think, made me laugh, and made me smile.

From the AEL Play party: “You need to do a lap dance right, in other words RESPECTFULLY rub your sack on her face! “ OK this was a blast! I laughed so  hard that I broke a chair-  literally I laughed so  hard the chair wiggled, moaned and  then gave up on  life as I ended up on  the floor staring at the ceiling fan. And it was a beautiful ceiling fan……. 

From the AMG:  “Fight Club!!!! DON’T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!!! “So this is because I get so excited about what goes on at the Albuquerque Masters Group and how much I learn that I TOTALLY can barely hold my mouth shut!  AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!  But honestly one of the rules that I made (UHGGG) was what happens at the AMG stays at the AMG. So I –not thinking get so excited that I sometimes slip and talk about how much  I have leaned, or what has invigorated me, made me think, or made me laugh. BUT NEW RULE!! FIGHT CLUB!! DON’T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!

From the wet munch: “When someone interrupts your scene they have consented to being a part of it.” I thought about this and concluded that just because someone has a lapse in judgment does not mean   that they are consenting to what my slave and I do. It just means they had a slip on judgment. 

From the wet munch: “We all have coping mechanisms when we have abusive childhoods, but when we come onto leather we turn those into pieces of empowerment.”  This was about people that grow up in abusive childhoods and how they integrate those coping mechanisms and what they recognize as safety into their leather walk.

From the wet munch: “We are all just broken dolls.”  I went off on this one. Bull Fucking Shit- Broken dolls …REALLY???? I turned to them and said “I am not a broken doll.” Not only was I deeply offended, I was not going to let that go unchallenged. First off I hate begin referred to as a cliché- especially ones that attempt to be poetic. Secondly I am not anyone’s doll waiting for them to fix. Do NOT get me started on THAT ONE….

From the AEL play party: “I like how he did nickel lipping…”   This was from the rampant nipple licking that was done and the blatant tongue tied sexual tension that happened as a result! 

From the AEL play party: “Put your fingers in MY PUSSY!”  In reference to the fisting talk… it was yelled in enthusiasm!

From the wet munch:  “I identify as Master-Bater:  when I turn my hand around backwards, it’s like a stranger …” to which the collective response was a very enthusiastic “BRILLANT!” 

Thank you to this community, its organizers, and its vibrant attendees. I had the best time talking laughing, and learning.

Amazing……

Free Watersports class, demo, workshop, hand on

Hello All!!
I am  so excited!

 On Saturday June 7th  from  4PM-until  whenever- IMsL2004 and NoirLoba will be teaching a water sports class. 

This will have a discussion, demo  and a hands on component.
The workshop  is free- please bring  a dish  to  share-

It is a place to learn  about water sports from those that have done it and love it, as well  as a chance to  experience it for yourself.

 We are asking that those that wish  to experience the Top side  bring their own  bottoms- due to the sensitive nature of the act.

Those that wish  to  bottom and do  not have partners may have opportunities to experience this from  other Tops if they are comfortable.
A private area will be provided for those with  the desire to  try-  but need for a non public experience.

Please contact me here at Fetlife for RSVP and directions to the event. Or through  my email:  bigdykebear@yahoo.com.

Feast of the Senses!

This week was phenomenal-  it was absolutely a feast of the senses. On Saturday my amazing slave through me an EPIC birthday party! So many people came and every room was filled with love and laughter and discussions. The food was incredible. Everyone brought something that was mouth wateringly memorable in its own way. The chicken ring, fruit salad, chocolate covered strawberries, carnitas, fried chicken, ziti, apple crisp, collard greens, ribs, and SO MUCH MORE. The party had a Fire fly theme and I received the COOLEST Firefly presents.  

There were pudgy Olympics, and a puppy pile of people crocheting as we all lay on top of each other while watching Firefly.  It was so perfect. The cake was delectable and mouth watering. 
I was so blown  away by all that had came to  celebrate with  us! 

Then on Monday I got to teach a flogging class for the Kinky Spot. It was so hot. The attendees were so open to the experience and so open to just going with the instruction, it made it really intense. At one point the class was silent except the sounds of flogging and moaning. It was so hot.

So this weekend coming up is the AEL play party and on Sunday is the Albuquerque Masters group from 4-6 and then most likely we are heading over to the Wet Munch. 

I am on spring break and making the most of it!!!

BEST WEEK EVER!!!!!

Albuquerque Masters Group (AMG) this Sunday!

Hello Everyone! 
This Sunday is the meeting of the Albuquerque Masters Group (AMG).

This is for the M types only- no "s" types allowed.

It is from  4-6 PM at the:
Kinky Spot Clubhouse (back room of Unseen Gallery)
3107 Eubank, #31   @ map


This meeting is free. It is for Masters, New Masters, Dominates, or Tops interested in  a Masters path.

We will be doing questions  in a  hat.
So  bring your curiosity, your questions, you experience and your candor!

Looking forward to  seeing you there!

Cinderella

Last Sunday my slave and I were in a GLBT wedding expo at the Hotel Albuquerque, organized by the amazing M.Montoya-  who  by  the way-  officiated our wedding and was AMAZING!  When we agreed to do it, we really didn’t know what we were signing up for.

It ended up being from about 9-2 for us and it was amazing. We had the best time.

 I was in a tux representing Ann Mathews bridal wear, and my slave was in a white wedding dress with a train.

 When we showed up that morning I had already told myself- “let’s do  this”   I wanted to  be open  to the experience  and everything that it would challenge me with.

It was challenging in so many ways- I allowed myself to do full hair and makeup- I thought - this is a once in a lifetime experience so why not?

So the people at Ann Mathew’s bridal LOVE their GAYS! And the makeup and hair people from Bliss Salon were really wonderful as well.

I can  say that this challenged me so  deeply-  I don’t wear makeup of get my hair what’s the word-  juzzed-  the only time I ever did this in  my life was at prom- and I was 18 years old. 
I am 41 now.

It was deeply difficult for me to have those things done- my hair and makeup- but the cool  thing is that I walked away 1) knowing that I could and 2) with  a better understanding of who  I was now in  comparison  to that 18  year old girl  who  just so  much  wanted to  be a  Cinderella -  I knew that I couldn’t ever be that -  but I just wanted it for that one night.

And now - I have become who I was meant to be.

Not Cinderella- but a different kind of fairy tale life- with a stunning, amazing, magical wife. And love in my life so strong and so powerful that I seek monsters to conquer now- instead of hoping the monsters don’t come to me.

What a powerful day.

Beating the slave

You can beat someone into feeling a certain way- but probably not what you think. You can beat someone into submission, you can beat them into fear, and you can beat them into coercion and compliance. 

You cannot beat someone into consent, you cannot beat someone into trust, and you cannot beat someone into making their heart stay.

When someone talks about beating their slave I always think- what is this person getting out of that experience? And if they talk about it with sexual excitement and pride where they are ramping themselves up and looking for me to respond to  them in some way-- perhaps they want me to respond out of jealously or desire or out of  respect for them---   I can only think:  ohh red flag.

Then I think about the beating of a slave a little more globally and I ask  myself:  What are we really doing –versus- what are we bragging about- versus- what do  we think we should be doing -versus -what do we think we are expected to do.

 I am not saying that a good solid beating doesn’t have its place- that is not what I am saying. When pleasure and consent are involved – I LOVE a good solid take down of my slave. LOVE IT- and so does she.

I am saying that if we are using beating or beatings to try and change their minds, their thoughts, or their hearts- then it IS misplaced.

Some will argue that beating a slave makes sure that they understand who is the Master, their place as a slave and it makes them understand that there are consequences for behavior if it should displease the Master.

Yes- it can do all those things- but let me take each of those ideas out of fantasy and put them into the real world.

First, a beating makes the slave understand who is the Master.
So what is the difference between beating a consensual slave and a non consensual one? And I am talking the real world here as non consensual slavery is very much alive and well. 

Negotiation and consent.

 It isn’t the beating that makes the Master to the slave it is the negotiation- the talking- the psychological and emotional recognition of the Masters role in the slaves life, and the slave giving their consent to the Master. That type of talking and understanding takes time, even after it is negotiated, to really fulfill itself in the slave.  

A beating can imprint pain and if used as a single tool will also imprint fear. Beating someone into fear, self preservation, or exhaustion will trigger the fight or flight response. Once the fear and self preservation buttons have been triggered by physical pain- no matter the initial logic- the fight or flight wins out, and that is the end of logic. That is also the end of consent. 

 Beating someone to make sure that they know who the Master is can reinforce the M/s dynamic, the power exchange and the roles. BUT-and this is significant here- It doesn’t create it. It isn’t the starting point. And for some, if used haphazardly by the Master, it will create resentment and disgust.

Second- it makes the slave understand their place. So what is the slaves place? A punching bag? A mindless person that cannot make even a basic decision without a cue or a command from someone else? To take whatever the Master wants to dish out? Why? Not just why should they, but what is the point of mindless obedience?

But this begs the real question here: what is the slaves place?

This is a question for the Master to ask themselves- what is the slaves place in their life? 

Is it to be a non entity at use for the Masters whim? Maybe so –and I am not to say for other Masters.

 What I can say is beating creates one type of slave. Maybe that is the type of slave that that Masters wants and needs. 

Using other things creates another type of slave- and maybe that is what that Master wants and needs.

That is very individual. It also means looking at beating as “for” the slave instead of “for” the Master. It means the  Master needs to realistically look at why they are using beating- and be honest with themselves about what the outcomes of those beatings mean. Is the Master doing it for their ego, their sexual gratification, their emotional fulfillment of the act because it makes them feel powerful? What happens afterwards? What happens when the Master needs more and more extreme measures to feel that powerful? Like chasing that first high. When does the beating stop  being about the slaves development and start being about fulfilling the Masters ego? And what does it mean about a Master that needs a slave to have an internal sense of power?

Lastly it creates the understanding that there are consequences for behavior that displeases the Master. 

If the beating is directly related to the behavior – but here is no intellectual understanding of what the person has done - then the only thing a beating creates is confusion and fear. Just because a person can take a beating does not mean that they understand the reason for it, or can, or are willing to change.  For some slaves they create a situation of failure to get that beating, that attention from their Master- so who is calling the shots then? The argument being if the Master does the beatings right the slave will do anything to avoid them- but the reality is – that takes the accountability off of the slave and puts it on the Master. If the Master had beaten the slave right then the slave would have ___  ( fill in the blank.)

I am not opposed to beating a slave. I am not-

 I am  opposed to the Masters that beat without using their head, who  beats for their own  pleasure and won’t admit it, I am  opposed to  beating just to  beat, or beating because the Master thinks it will create service, I am  opposed to  the Master that beats a newbie because they can  play on  their inexperience, I am opposed to  beating someone  into submission because that flies in the face of consent, I am  opposed to the “ritual  first beating” to  create the slave, I am  opposed to  bragging about creating a numb mindless slave that couldn’t function  in the real world if they tried, and I am  opposed to  beating used as  training.

Before you get all up in arms as to how “I am not a real Master, blah blah blah”- take this into consideration first.

Have you ever seen that dog, cat, or horse with dead eyes? The kind of eyes that are numb to the world, the kind of eyes that say “I have nothing left in this life, including hope”. The kind of eyes where you can see that their trust and their will have both been broken.  The kind of eyes where  although they fear for what their body may go  though  they walk towards you anyway because they are  too  afraid and to  conditioned  to  do  otherwise. 

But they will not let you get close to their heart, they will not let them self feel, they will not let you in.

Is that the kind of slave that you want in your life?

It isn’t in mine.