Holy cow. Is this really my life? Or am I dreaming?

There are weeks that take everything from you and weeks that give everything back. This week gave me everything and more. 

Saturday night we went to an epic party and I got to watch my slave perform.  I love watching her perform, I cried like a baby. she had chosen two pieces that were perfect for the event and she was so spot on! I was and still am so deeply proud. AND OF COURSE- I didn't get ONE PICTURE!  UGG! 

Then I got to   I play with a gorgeous beauty.  Since I didn't have any toys I used a plastic fork. It was intense, amazing, and dizzying. She was intoxicating, and I loved every minute of teasing her. 

That night I also met one of the presenters for Spring Pan and he agreed to collaborate with one of the presenters that we have for the April 11th event!  WHAT!!! I was blown away by his generosity.  Cross collaboration is just not something that we do  a lot here, so  him being so  willing to  do this warmed my heart and gave me the biggest smile! 

Sunday I crashed and Monday was AEL. Before the AEL speaker began, multiple people came up to me and offered items for the raffle for the event on the 11^th. I was so blown  away by what people were willing to  offer up to  support the event! Vintage art, a leather vest, paddles, scarves,  jewelry, a package of whips, and SO MUCH MORE!  

On top of that people brought items for me that night!  It seemed like every time I turned around there was another amazing offer of generosity,  another offer from  someone who  had very obviously put their time, thought, and effort into  what they were giving.
There were so many people that came through and put themselves out there that I was almost in  tears.

Besides the Spring Pan package so generously donated, there was also a bad ass face mask- you have to see the thing- it is AWESOME! I WANT IT!!!!

An amazingly beautiful collection of knives, candles, and vases! 

 And a full violet wand set ( I still can’t believe that) all donated that night. 

I was so deeply touched by the generosity of everyone there. It was overwhelming- it still is.

The topic that night was knife play it was really well done and I learned a lot. So many mistakes I have made!!!  

In fact EVERY mistake she mentioned was one that I have made!  I laughed so much and that  I even told the presenter “If I had this class ten years ago, I could have saved A LOT on knives!!!” 

The rest of the week was just as intense. 

My book is done. Yep, it is ready to go. It is being formatted and I got to see the cover art. I had an all day conservation with my editor- who is AMAZING. She has taken care of everything, she has anticipated my needs, done all of the foot work, worked with me and been beside me every step of the way. She has held my hand when I was to frozen or scared to move forward, and sent me loving reassurance when the whole thing sent me over the edge in levels of “OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT this cant be happening!!! WHAT AM I DOING??????!!! ACKACKACAKCAKCK!!!”.

 It came to me that day- this book had waited for her.  It had waited for her hands, her thoughts, and her imprint on it before it would become alive. The book knew what it was waiting for, even if I didn’t. 

Then something happened, something that as I write this I can feel myself going under, feel myself being immersed into the intensity of it all. Have you ever had one of those conversations with your love where you find out so much about them, where what they share takes the deepest part of their trust, that you can feel the effort of them talking?  That you can feel that the part of themselves that they are allowing you to be a part of is so deep, so intimate, that the moment in time will remain forever in your mind and heart?  

Yes.  I got to have one of those, and I can  only say- My love-  thank  you for trusting me, for opening up to me, for sharing with  me your heart.  I didn't think that it was possible for me to  love you more, and yet here we are …..

After all of this, I just happened to open  a letter- it was a check. A check that would allow me to start printing the book this Saturday, instead of having to wait for my next paycheck.  I was and still am overwhelmed with emotion. 

At that point could not believe the last week. I could barely believe all of this had happened. The event is booking quickly and wonderfully- my book will be in print quicker than I ever thought possible, and forever I will have in my heart and mind that day.  

Holy cow.  Is this really my life? Or am I dreaming?

Workshops/Play party/Raffle and MORE SAVE THE DATE!!!!

So the last few weeks have been rough. However the AMG is doing an event in cooperation with AEL on April the 11^th.  Finally I have something to get my blood boiling. A fund raiser for an awesome cause, a collaboration effort that involves different parts of the community!!!! Are you kidding me!!!   

We have four amazing workshops lined up:

From 5: 30 PM to 6:30 PM we are going to do concurrently:   

1)   rough body play for beginners: by the AMAZING duo of Lori Roughhouse.  Mmmmm- the last time  I took this class I walked away dripping wet for days. It added a whole new dimension to our play. Lori and Roughhouse both  have decades of experience and they are a team  of  Badass!!! The BEST part is that Spring Pan is doing an intermediate rough body play class- so if you are new and want to get your hands dirty this is an excellent precursor to that class!!!!  This is a hands on class!  Just bring your hands and your bottom! 

2)      oral sex on the lady parts: by the AMAZING slave eve.  This is for any gendered person that is looking to learn how to do oral sex on a woman.  Slave eve will cover getting over your fear, techniques aimed to please, how to handle difficult situations, body size differences, and much more.  This is not a HANDS on class, but it is a TOUNGES on class and every participant will be using fruit to really enjoy this topic the way it should be!  

From 6:30 PM until 7:45 PM we are going to do concurrently:

3)      needle play: by the AMAZING Jamie who has decades of experience!  She will be going over how to test the bottom for safety- how to insert, how to withdraw, what to use, what to do and what not to do! This is a hands on class, all equipment is provided. When I approached her about doing this class she was so excited and the more we talked the more that I realized how much I didn’t know about needle play and what her decades of experience will bring. I am so excited!!!!

4)      chest/breast bondage:  by the AMAZING WhipDaddy. I have seen him teach this class before and it is really something. No matter what size breasts or chest you have, no matter your gender, WhipDaddy is able to teach you how to tie it up and make it look tantalizing!  The added bonus is that he can  teach  at all  levels, so if your bottom is any gender, if the Top  has any experience level-  you can  go  to  the next step  with  this class!!  This is a hands on class- bring your own bottom and rope! 

Afterwards there will be a play party/raffle/fundraiser with all proceeds doing to the March of Dimes!

If you are going to the workshops and the play party it is 10$ per person.

Only coming to the play party? 10$ per person.

Only coming to  the workshops? 5$ per person.

For those attending the play party please bring a dish  to  share!  

(NO  pretzels, chips, or cookies please. Drinks will be provided. No  alcohol  allowed.)

AND AND AND here is the OTHER BEST PART!   Over the next two weeks I will be working on the raffle prizes. EVERYONE that shows get a chance to win!!!  Just a sneak peak: there is a super special raffle prize donated by the organizers of Spring Pan:  

 

 A FULL SPRING PAN PACKAGE!!! 

 

If you have something that you would like to donate please contact me here at: bigdykebear@yahoo.com on fetlife : Master_ _Bear. 

 

 

 

If you can’t afford the event or the raffle contact  me at bigdykebear@yahoo.com or on Fetlife at Master_ _ Bear and the AMG can grant you a scholarship! EVERYONE deserves to come!  And the AMG  can make that happen!

 

 

(All of the proceeds from the workshops to go to supporting AEL Kinkskills! All of the proceeds for the raffle, and play party go directly to the March of Dimes! ) This is a Kinks that Care and Albuquerque Masters Group collaboration. Kinks that Care is a part of AEL that does fundraisers for different  projects several times a year.  

 

 (The March of Dimes Mission statement:  We help moms have full-term pregnancies and research the problems that threaten the health of babies. http://www.marchofdimes.org)

 

I AM SO EXCITED!!! ARE YOU??????

When reason is replaced with hurt.

Hey everyone. this has been  a really shit week. I wrote about it.
But I don't really want to be that raw right now.

What I do  know is this- I am  looking forward to  the AEL play party on Saturday.

I need sleep.

I know that I am  not doing well  because I am  taking everything personally, and my slave and I got into a fight. 

That is the litmus. We generally dont fight.

So  I know that this is when my reason is replaced with hurt.

I have no  time to  do the things that I love.

Right now I am supposed to  be  prepping for Spring Pan.
I owe them  a write up for the class I will be teaching.
 I love that - I feel  so  deeply blessed that they have chose us to vend and me to present.

My book  is back in  the hands of my editor, I am  waiting to  do  my next rewrite. 
 I love that,  my editor is amazing. It is a huge emotional  step in the next part of my life.

I haven't had time to  find a host house for the AMG/AEL Kinkskills skills day on the 12th  of April.
I love these projects, and I believe in  them.

I haven't had time to  write those that I care about.

I feel  in  over my head and raw.

Like the next thing will  take me out. Like the next thing that happens will do  me in.

 I am  not sleeping.

So  nothing is coming for a place of reason  right now.  Everything is raw, personal, and more intentional  then it really is. This last week  has played on  all  of my deep wounds-  with  a little salt.

I know that next week  will be different.

The AEL  play party will  be awesome.

I will get sleep.

It will  change.


But right now it just burns.

The ex

The other day I was headed into work when I saw this face I was sure I recognized. It shocked and stunned me when I realized it was my ex. It has been 15 years and lifetime since I have seen her. We had a quick conversation- no longer than 2 minutes - and I hurried on my way. It rattled me.

I was able to  get through my work shift mostly OK- but at one point I caught myself rocking - or rather one of my crew caught me rocking.  It is a self-soothing technique I use when I am losing it.  I didn’t even realize that I was doing it; it scared them. 

 Since then I’ve lost a good deal of sleep, and had mostly nightmares when I do.  And I am not feeling right. I find myself practicing what I would say if she returns, like I did when I first broke up with her. Practicing saying “No.” in my head. Thinking weird things that I haven’t thought in years. Emotionally regressive things. Things that I laid aside for my own growth and acceptance. 

It is stupid to think that after all this time she came to New Mexico because I was here. I know that she knew we moved here. The nursing community in Florida was small, and everybody knew everybody. So when I would get a new job she would know within a week or so and have my phone number.  She knew when I left and where I was going. There were people I worked with that knew both of us and felt I never should have left her.  

Strange, huh? When others think they know so much better for you?

Still, after 15 years the thought of her calling me at work fills me with terror. But that is all ego. I have moved on with my life and I am sure she has moved on with hers. I am not the same person I was 15 years ago – not by a long shot. And if she is - then that is on her, and none of my concern.

So why does this still affect me? Why now, after all this time, all this intentional growth on my part, does the thought of her still fill me with dread? Have I not grown enough? Am I afraid that I could possibly get sucked back into her life and the chaos that swirls around her? What if she calls? What if she doesn’t? Why do I care?

Mostly I am confused and scared. I can’t go back to who I was before. Just the thought of it makes me nauseous.  

I need to sleep; I need to remember who I am and what I have accomplished. I struggled with this for days.

And then, it was that one thing I remember that snapped me out of it. The sex.

I am not who I was 15 years ago sexually.  Now I am a confident lover, someone who has sex with intensity. I strive to be wild, dominant, and sexually aggressive. I want my lover to feel my aggression, to feel my whole self there; present. I want to ask questions and have them answer me - openly - honestly. I want to bring it as much as I get it. To fuck them until they can’t walk, can’t talk, or better yet- both. That is how I have sex.  I love to cum - but I take great pride in being covered in sweat during and after, being so focused on my lover that I overwhelm them.  I love using toys of all kinds - sex toys, BDSM toys, you name it – it is fair game in the bedroom. I love fucking hard, fucking to  cum,  fucking to  make them not cum  over and over until  when and if they finally do it is explosive for them. I love fucking so hard that the neighbors cum.

I also know what I want I bed. I know what gets me off, and I expect to be pleasured by who I lay with. I expect to have frank, open conversations. I expect to be supported and enjoyed for what gets me off. I expect that what I bring to the bed will be reciprocated. In other words to get what I give. 

Otherwise I am wasting my time.

Now that is how sex is done.

And that is who I have become 

And that is why I may actually sleep tonight.