I have written a book called "M/s for the Rest of Us" it is available for purchase here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/k-e-enzweiler/ms-for-the-rest-of-us/paperback/product-22151343.html

Or on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rest-Us-K-E-Enzweiler/dp/1329062213/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1432825657&sr=1-2&keywords=m%2Fs+for+the+rest+of+us

I am the founder of the Albuquerque Masters Group. We meet once every other month. The group is open to all who wish to explore their Mastery, slavery, or Dominance and submission. Please contact me here or at my email : Bigdykebear@yahoo.com for more information!
The meetings are free to all who wish to attend!

If you are interested in power munches, skills workshops or play parties in the Albuquerque area please contact the 20 year organization of AEL at:


If you are interested in active online community please find:


Group names for the Albuquerque Community Include:

Land Of Enchantment Fetlifers

Albuquerque Kinksters

KinkySpot Clubhouse

Albuquerque Master/slave forum

New Mexico Leather League: Leather/Kink/Fetish and More

Friday, March 6, 2015

The ex

The other day I was headed into work when I saw this face I was sure I recognized. It shocked and stunned me when I realized it was my ex. It has been 15 years and lifetime since I have seen her. We had a quick conversation- no longer than 2 minutes - and I hurried on my way. It rattled me.

I was able to  get through my work shift mostly OK- but at one point I caught myself rocking - or rather one of my crew caught me rocking.  It is a self-soothing technique I use when I am losing it.  I didn’t even realize that I was doing it; it scared them. 

 Since then I’ve lost a good deal of sleep, and had mostly nightmares when I do.  And I am not feeling right. I find myself practicing what I would say if she returns, like I did when I first broke up with her. Practicing saying “No.” in my head. Thinking weird things that I haven’t thought in years. Emotionally regressive things. Things that I laid aside for my own growth and acceptance. 

It is stupid to think that after all this time she came to New Mexico because I was here. I know that she knew we moved here. The nursing community in Florida was small, and everybody knew everybody. So when I would get a new job she would know within a week or so and have my phone number.  She knew when I left and where I was going. There were people I worked with that knew both of us and felt I never should have left her.  

Strange, huh? When others think they know so much better for you?

Still, after 15 years the thought of her calling me at work fills me with terror. But that is all ego. I have moved on with my life and I am sure she has moved on with hers. I am not the same person I was 15 years ago – not by a long shot. And if she is - then that is on her, and none of my concern.

So why does this still affect me? Why now, after all this time, all this intentional growth on my part, does the thought of her still fill me with dread? Have I not grown enough? Am I afraid that I could possibly get sucked back into her life and the chaos that swirls around her? What if she calls? What if she doesn’t? Why do I care?
Mostly I am confused and scared. I can’t go back to who I was before. Just the thought of it makes me nauseous.  

I need to sleep; I need to remember who I am and what I have accomplished. I struggled with this for days.

And then, it was that one thing I remember that snapped me out of it. The sex.

I am not who I was 15 years ago sexually.  Now I am a confident lover, someone who has sex with intensity. I strive to be wild, dominant, and sexually aggressive. I want my lover to feel my aggression, to feel my whole self there; present. I want to ask questions and have them answer me - openly - honestly. I want to bring it as much as I get it. To fuck them until they can’t walk, can’t talk, or better yet- both. That is how I have sex.  I love to cum - but I take great pride in being covered in sweat during and after, being so focused on my lover that I overwhelm them.  I love using toys of all kinds - sex toys, BDSM toys, you name it – it is fair game in the bedroom. I love fucking hard, fucking to  cum,  fucking to  make them not cum  over and over until  when and if they finally do it is explosive for them. I love fucking so hard that the neighbors cum.

I also know what I want I bed. I know what gets me off, and I expect to be pleasured by who I lay with. I expect to have frank, open conversations. I expect to be supported and enjoyed for what gets me off. I expect that what I bring to the bed will be reciprocated. In other words to get what I give. 

Otherwise I am wasting my time.
Now that is how sex is done.
And that is who I have become 

And that is why I may actually sleep tonight.

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