Masters may not vacuum, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems

Hello all not much better here, but working on ,it spending  a lot of time in bed really.  My slave is doing extra  over  time taking care of me.  Here is something that I wrote I think in 2011.

There is a lot of social pressure to be perfect. Not just having the right look, the right degree, or the right job, but also the right partner, the right dynamic, and the right amount of public recognition. These types of pressures occur no matter what the social group. In lesbian circles, there is generally a tendency towards social and economic class-ism with an emphasis on gender expression appropriate partners. If you as a couple don’t fit in that social group there will be no question in your mind that it is time to move on. If you meet one of the requirements but not the other, then you may be accepted, but not all the way, and probably because someone else in the group wants to fuck you. … Ahhh... Social circles.

BDSM and leather are not free from these concepts of perfection. In some ways we tend to put each other under a weird microscope. I think that some of it is the normal social ideas of “where does someone fit in with who is around them” and “where am I in my leather and BDSM journey and were “should” I be”, and I think that some of it is based in the good old fashioned need to feel better about ourselves.

What this does though, is create a strange veil of secrecy, for Masters in particularly.

To be taken seriously as a Master that has control of their slave, a Master may sometimes feel that they can’t really discuss the things that happen in their household. Being open about difficulties that they are having with obedience, compliance, and the training of the slave may make the Master feel like they would be viewed as incompetent or unskilled or maybe not a Master at all.

I am not saying go and talk to that weird looking lady at the bus about your household problems, or talk to anyone who will listen at the local munch that you just met, what I am saying is that problems are something that are universal, and they don’t well in a vacuum.

When I have learned about the problems that other Masters have had in their relationships I find that I relax a little. It helps me to relate to them better, and I feel that the problems that I have had and will continue to have in my leather journey aren’t just mine.

Some of the things that I have learned about other couples that have really helped me have been:

Three high powered couples whose slaves have threatened to and almost walked.

One couple who the slave would not do the housework, even though it is what the Master required.

One couple where the Master gave the slave over to another Master to train because everything that they tried had failed

And one couple where the slave was cheating on the Master with another Master, then when caught refused to stop seeing that other Master.

Perhaps it is because problems are the great equalizer that makes them difficult to discuss in real time. The Master and slave dynamic in many ways is viewed as very simple and one sided. Master says, slave does, life goes on. But the reality is that all consensual relationships come with problems, even Master and slave ones.

Imagine what we could learn from each other if we could drop the facade and actually look at the realities that come with complex and there dimensional relationships.

Being in a Master and slave relationship makes my life full and powerful, but that does not mean that we don’t argue, that she doesn’t have her own ideas, and that I don’t have my own problems with obedience and training. It doesn’t meant that I am less of a Master or that she is less of a slave, it does mean however, that as real people we deal with real issues that our titles don’t solve.

Just to put it out there if anyone has the magic recipe for making dusting happen and stay happening, I am all ears….

A slave's Heart

I am sick as a dog, coughing, snotting, fever, grumpy, you name it. 

So here is a blog I wrote back in 2010 about a slaves heart.......

I can tag someone with a slave heart a mile away.  

You want to know how?

   They make you feel good, they are genuinely interested in how someone besides themselves is doing, and they don't attempt to bring attention to themselves.  They carefully observe the person that they are talking with and when the timing is right will interject  with a comment or question to keep the other person feeling good and that they are an interesting person to listen to. The energy is flowing outward and they don't ask or require you to pay attention to their self based stories.

   "slaves" that incessantly talk or act out of a need for constant attention are badly trained at best,  and at worst is someone who has confused the label "slave" with the label "me me me".

    It makes me angry when I run into these people who go on and on about how they were trained in high protocol and completely fail to notice that they haven't stopped talking for one second to take a breath much less ask a single question that doesn't relate to themselves.  I have also found that these people who brag incessantly  have shitty posture and oddly enough, have no idea where there "master" might be. 

   What goes through my mind when I run into slaves like this is, "don't give me that old bullshit about how you have trained other "slaves" in a protocol that you obviously shit on by your own actions."

   Or perhaps I am seeing this the wrong way...  

   Perhaps it is the "master" that requires the "slave" to be a vacuous, self promoting, self obsessed, energy draining, and most of all self serving "slave", who obviously gets  by only on their looks (needs a sandwich) and is not required to do any actual thinking about other people.   For them, style means more than substance.

   It is a personal affront to me to meet these people.

   Slaves who know who and what they are are a beauty to behold. Slaves who know how to serve and who serve with silence, patience, and selflessness are truly a beauty to behold.

Things you Would Rather Not Hear

 Things you Would Rather Not Hear Your Master Say:

-Ooops!

-Okay so just lay there, it will just take me a minute to find out how to remove that...

 

-Now where did I put my safety scissors/keys/bolt cutters?

-I feel pretty confident about my new toy, because e I saw this great YouTube video on it!

- (During fisting) That’s not my ring!

-Let me cook dinner tonight!  Do we have crab meat, bologna, and hot sauce?

-I’m pretty sure that the ER can re-attach that, right?

-It’s not that bad, just apply pressure….

Things You Would Rather Not Hear Your slave Say:

-I talked to your ex/mother/therapist and they said…..

-Have another almond cookie; it will make you feel better!

-Really!  Are you sure you want to go there?  I know things about you, I do your laundry.

-I got us tickets to the epic/classic/timeless movie!  Its 3-d/foreign film/dubbed/black and white.

-Ummm, those aren’t raisins...

-No Master you didn’t come off too harshly, you were smooth like Ike Turner.

-Whatever you wish Master, fireplay after you requested bean burritos for dinner.  Whatever you wish Master.

- (To a large group) I love my fierce Master, she is the cutest most adorable little Punkey Wunkey Honey Bunny!  Especially when she……

VACATION!!! And Bondage!

My slave and I went on vacation this week!  A REAL Vacation!  We have never done a vacation that wasn't a forced issue due to something breaking or going wrong.

 This time we were not going to a hotel because we had no water, or no heat, or no cool air.  We were not going to a hotel because we had so much going on in town that staying in a hotel was a necessity for our sanity. AND it was not at the expense of the grocery budget or the gas budget or the electricity bill!

 It was an actual vacation.  We were able to afford the hotel and Food!  It was awesome!!

We lounged and watched some really bad TV.  We ate great food, and played and  had hot  wonderful sex!

We did  some bondage which I absolutely love, it puts her under and dreamy and soft  right away. 

The bondage that I do I call--- ummm---   expressionist-- yea-- that's right-   or interpretive maybe---

I can do  a pretty good body harness, but then I always have her amazing soft luxurious breasts come out in two very different shapes, as well as  going in completely different directions...

And I always come away pretty under myself,  walking around in circles, trying to get my brain together smiling and giddy....

We had he best time snuggling and talking and sleeping and resting and fucking.

So that is what a vacation feels like.    I get it now.   I could do this more often......

New Master, new slave

Over the last few months or so a friend of mine called Cupcake had starting changing their identity from top/switch to Master.  He had been putting himself out there looking for a slave and boy did the chatter get loud. The conversations of what is he doing?  He isn’t responsible enough, he isn’t knowledgeable enough. He has no idea what he is asking. What could he POSSIBLY BE THINKING!?!?!  And so on became a very loud and distinct background noise.

 I would like to say that I had taken some sort of high road, and that I had said “hey wait a minute”. But no, I listened to what others had to say and jumped in with my own two judgmental cents.

I didn’t even  stop to think that what was coming out of my mouth about Cupcake was exactly the same kind of hateful, biased, and destructive  crap that was said about me ten years ago when I first  got with my slave. What I was saying and agreeing with had nothing to do with anything that was real. Instead it was my own biases, my own perception of what I thought he was and could be, and my own territorial peeing over  who I thought had the  “right” to take on my own beloved title of Master.  I didn’t think twice….. and then…

There was an occasion were I had a chance to sit and talk with Cupcake.  We caught up on what had been happening, and where he was now.  I met his new slave, and listened intently as they both   talked about what had been happening since together they had started transitioning into a Master/slave relationship. He talked about having a lot of resistance to his change, from those that knew him, and those that didn’t, and they talked about having a lot of people be outright nasty and challenging to both of their new identities and the new relationship, as well as being very surprised and hurt that people were so opposed to their individual growth as well as their growing into a couple.

I completely understood what they were saying. I had been there as well. I have come to the conclusion that people react so badly to someone changing for a multitude of reasons. Some of it may be that people feel that they no longer have access to you, and some of it may be that people like to think that they know who you are so when you grow and change, that challenges those beliefs.  It may be  that people are comfortable knowing and relating to you one way, and when you change it forces them to change as well. It changes how they view you, how they approach you, what they think about you, and relative to that- what they think about themselves.  People get concerned about whether they will have a place in your life after you change, or will be left behind because of your change. So the fear of losing you sometimes becomes the motive for them resisting your growth.  

Sometimes it is the fear that your growth will leave them behind in an emotional sense, that your growth is a reflection of them not growing. In essence we are all a reflection of each other.  We keep certain friends and not others because of how those people fit into our lives, how they relate to our belief system, and how they influence how we think and feel.  So when someone that is important in our lives changes the sense of loss and fear are automatic.  What does their change mean to and about me? 

So instead of accepting that change people sometimes react negatively. They talk badly about you, or to you. They start rumors; they undermine your decisions subtly, or directly. No matter what their outlet is,   it is all based in the same concept that that person is struggling with you changing, not because of what your change means to you, but because of what your change that means to them.

Then it hit me smack in my head.  Holy Shit.  That person was me.  I was the one saying crap about Cupcakes change. I was the one questioning his ability, not because I knew anything for myself, but because of my own biases. I was saying shit about what I thought he was trying to do. It never occurred to me to stop and say “everyone starts somewhere”, or” I was there and no one believed in me”, or even “hey give Cupcake a chance; he might be moving into something very powerful and ground breaking for him.”

I didn’t do it then.  But I do it now.

I am so sorry Cupcake that I didn’t cut you slack about your change. Although it was never something that I said to your face, I should have been right there cheering you and your slave on. I should have been challenging those that questioned you and reminding them as well as myself that all beginnings need support.

Transitions are never easy for those going through them. When someone is transitioning there will be those that accept the change and support it and there will be those that fight against it. But remember someone else’s reaction to your change is about them, not about you.  And although change is scary, how someone else reacts to your change should never stop you from moving forward.