Fuck that Mirror.......

It is easy, I think, to get kind of stuck  thinking that my Master and slave relationship  has little difference, if any difference  then  most other relationships. We go through life just like anyone else,  our bills are late, we have holes in our socks,  and occasionally I call off of work because  the sex is just that good.....


So it is easy to  get to thinking that really our relationship isn't that different, until those differences smack  me around and call me  their bitch. I mean until those differences are made apparent as I negotiate through other relationships.



Lately these differences have done everything to leaving me extremely  confused and baffled,  to  given me even more awe of my slaves  perseverance, patience, and service,   to have put a mirror  up to my own  self and to my behavior.  Ouch by the way,  fuck that mirror.....




The first big difference between  our relationship and other relationships became evident and I had to confront my own self with it. That is being told no. Sounds simple doesn't it?  No.  Ultimately I am  told no all of the time, we all are. 



No-  you can't go  90 in a 45 and get out of a ticket by  calling it  "flow of traffic."

No- having working brakes in the van  isn't just the "manufacturer's suggestion."

And  No-  putting a paper towel  over cat puke while the slave is out of the house does not mean it will pick itself up.




So one would think that I would be used to being told no. But guess who doesn't say no- my slave......

If I want to grope her, touch her boobs, stroke her parts, get her naked... OK.  
If I want to suspend all of the daily chores and spend all day in bed with her.... OK.
 If I want to  toss her across the bed, drag her up to my hips, and fulfill my carnal  fantasies.......OK.



So when  someone finally told me "no", really and legitimately  I did not hear them. Then I thought they had to be kidding,  then I thought that no really meant yes-  they just didn't know that yet-  then I just got really confused.  What do you mean  "No"?

Then I had to learn that people say "no" without actually using the word no. So it was no-  in Latin. At that point I had to start all over again,  maybe they didn't mean no....  I was so confused I had to ask my slave to step in and translate for me because I got so lost at the  "it isn't a yes"  part.



The next difference I experienced was when it came to the talking thing. I do  try really hard to listen ,but I do have the tendency to interrupt and talk over people. Now,  when I do this at home,  my slave stops talking,  smiles, listens, and then continues when I am finished. But other people don't stop talking when I start talking over them-  they just keep talking to. I hadn't realized how much I had gotten used to  my slave letting me talk -  even when I interrupt her. How rude!!!  Not her,  me-  how rude!



Finally there was the physical difference that separates our relationship from other relationships.  I am  a very touchy person, I love touch, both  giving and receiving. I am  very used to  having total  unlimited access to my slaves body  and to how my slaves body moves and feels. I am  also used to  and very comfortable with  moving her and putting her where I want her. 



Did you know that people don't necessarily like that? WTF?

When that was pointed out to me I was so confused! What do you mean  don't touch  a person  that way or I could break them? I am  so confounded....



So after all of this I came to the conclusion that my Master and slave relationship  really is very different them many other relationships. My slaves unending patience,  service,  and availability  have spoiled me rotten --for the good and the bad. 

So if I don't hear you say no, talk over you, or position you -  I am  really sorry.

 Blame my slave.   
      

 
  

    

Goals for Mastery

A few weeks back a friend of mine asked “What are the goals for your Mastery?”

 At this point two things came to mind:  

 one     “what a cool question!"     

and two  “Oh shit- should I have goals for my Mastery?”

So I had to ponder that for a while, and I realized a few things. I used to have goals for my Mastery, but once my slave and I were up and running I got really comfortable and didn’t focus on  them as much. Which brought me to:  how are goals for my Mastery separate from  expectations from my slave and lastly if I were to  have goals now, what would they be?

In the beginning of our relationship I had a lot of goals that defined our relationship as Master and slave. The goals were based in tasks, how I requested a task, how I felt requesting it, how I followed up on it and most importantly how my slave executed those tasks.  All of this gave me a sense of where I was in my Mastery as well as were I wanted to go. 

For example:  do I ask for something with an air or impatience, gratitude, or expectant?  How did I feel using each way of asking for something? Was it representing the type of Master that I wanted to be? Did I want to be an inpatient Master, a  grateful one, or an expectant one?  Was it bringing me closer or further away from my own personal goals? 

Afterwards how did  I follow up, did I want to use punishments and/ or rewards? If so how and when and what?  

Then the biggie, how was my slave doing?  Because that to me was the biggest reflection on my Mastery, was she learning ? Was she getting more confident? Was she following thorough and becoming more independent? Was she challenging herself and following through with even the difficult requests? 

So in the beginning I think it was easier to have goals for my Mastery because they related so closely to what my slave was doing. But over time, as life moved on and  we integrated our Master and slave relationship so thoroughly, I stopped focusing on my personal goals for Mastery and started focusing on other things. Although the M/s component of our life has remained central to our relationship, I think that I have gotten a little lazy and let all of my goals fall on the shoulders of my slave  instead of thinking about my personal goals for my Mastery without her. 

Since a lot of Mastery is socially recognized as the slaves performance, it is really difficult to think about what my goals could be that did not require more tasks  form my salve, and yet would still give me that sense of empowerment.

At first I did come up with three things that I felt it had let go that I really wanted back  for my sense of power.  Unfortunately these  tasks  did require more things from my slave. So I decided to ask for two out of three, since she already has that 24/7 no holiday or weekends or hazard pay job, and trust me I am not easy to live with.

But after thinking about it for a while I found that I did want  something for and from myself. I want to be a stronger organizer and leader.  I want to have stronger leadership social skills, and be able to be fair and   open. I want to be a more skilled player with more skills and  that includes being better at the ones that I do have.  I want to be able to be calm, quiet, and strong. I want to be able to listen without as much bias to other peoples journeys and be candid about my own.

OK- maybe with as much bias, but I do want to be less conspicuous about it!

At that point I stopped the list, because quite frankly it is much easier to base my Mastery on my slaves behavior then it is to work on mine. And she is prettier to watch to….

So I have some questions for you all out there:

What are your goals for your Mastery that does not require any more work for your slave? 

How  will you be a stronger Master at the end of 2013 than you were at the end of 2012- that is without running your slave or submissive into the ground?

And Finally: 

How have your goals for your Mastery changed over time?

VACATION!!! And Bondage!

My slave and I went on vacation this week!  A REAL Vacation!  We have never done a vacation that wasn't a forced issue due to something breaking or going wrong.

 This time we were not going to a hotel because we had no water, or no heat, or no cool air.  We were not going to a hotel because we had so much going on in town that staying in a hotel was a necessity for our sanity. AND it was not at the expense of the grocery budget or the gas budget or the electricity bill!

 It was an actual vacation.  We were able to afford the hotel and Food!  It was awesome!!

We lounged and watched some really bad TV.  We ate great food, and played and  had hot  wonderful sex!

We did  some bondage which I absolutely love, it puts her under and dreamy and soft  right away. 

The bondage that I do I call--- ummm---   expressionist-- yea-- that's right-   or interpretive maybe---

I can do  a pretty good body harness, but then I always have her amazing soft luxurious breasts come out in two very different shapes, as well as  going in completely different directions...

And I always come away pretty under myself,  walking around in circles, trying to get my brain together smiling and giddy....

We had he best time snuggling and talking and sleeping and resting and fucking.

So that is what a vacation feels like.    I get it now.   I could do this more often......

Playing “Hard”

Last Saturday was the AEL play party, and I really needed that! My slave and I try to go every month, but sometimes life just gets in the way, and it has felt like forever since we have been able to go. So I was excitedly getting ready, as my beginning to get sick slave was doing her best to keep up with me. The party was everything that I had wanted, people were so amazing, friendly, warm and welcoming, and the room was open for us to play about ten or so.

We went in, and I undressed her, I love undressing her, and we began a clothespin scene. I had a feeling that it was going to be intense and emotional, so I was prepared for that, and sure enough it did. All of the things that my slave had been holding in started to be released as the pain of the clothespins made their way around her inner thighs, breasts, and the underside of her arms.

But it was when I started taking them off that the catharsis began.

Every time she tried to hold in her tears I would remove one or two more, pushing her to cry, to let it out. Between the pain I would touch her and talk to her softly, letting her now that I was here, and that I was waiting for her to be ready.

It was everything that I wanted in the scene, heady, emotional, intense, cathartic…

Afterwards I got her semi dressed and we headed towards the cool down room. My slave was completely gone, the sub space and tears had her glazed over and made her spacey. I was so heavily in Domme space that I felt like I had just been rode hard and put up wet, I was completely glazed over myself and flying high from our emotional exchange. We walked thorough a room with some people talking and I guided her into the cool down room and onto the bed to lie down.

That’s when I overheard it…

“What did they do?”

“Just a few clothespins…”

And I thought “WHAT?”

But that’s exactly what it must have looked like, the head trip that my slave and I had gone on, the intensity of the emotional response that she had to the pain as I pushed her hard, all boiled down to one visual - just a few clothespins.

Later the next day I was talking to S, and he was talking about his scene, they had done some bondage, and then he had laid her onto the bed and together they had gone on a mind trip through his use of hypnosis. It was intense and emotional for them, but to the outside world, they had just done a little bondage.

So it got me to thinking about this concept of playing hard. There are a few things in the social world of BDSM that serve to create a hierarchy. Some of them are- the types of play that a person does (the edgier the play the closer to the top of the “hierarchy”), how many they have trained or mentored, how long they have been playing (the longer someone has been playing the closer to the top of the hierarchy), and how hard they play (the harder the more prestige).

Some people think that a Dominant is only skilled if they are playing with extreme sadism and there is a lot of flourish and showmanship involved. However, there are a lot of different ways to play hard, sometimes it can be a physical toll, and sometimes it is an emotional and physiological one.

There are bottoms that can be beaten all day long, but get into their head and they are unable to handle even the smallest of words, thoughts, and suggestions. Then there are bottoms that can take those words and fly high and strong, but are unable to take excesses of pain. Then there are those that enjoy both. However, it takes a skilled top or Dominant to know what the bottom can handle and when, and use that to get the bottom right where they want them.

So it may look to the outside world like just a simple scene, but if it takes you were you want and need to go, then that is all that matters. Even if those that are watching don’t really get it…..