Inner parts, outer parts

I think that I have written about this before, but it was a long time ago and recently it has come up again. A lOOOOOOOOOOng time ago before I was gay and before I was leather I was at a horse expo in Colorado. I wasn’t expo-ing that year I was just a spectator. In between events and competitions there was a “Horse Master” who was doing a demo about his expertise. He had his legion of fans of course and behind him was his class of students that had followed him, his entourage, so to speak. So in the center of the arena he was doing tricks with his horse. The showy stuff, getting the horse to lie down, go down on one knee, follow hand signals that type of thing.

 At one point he just happened to look back at his students. I remember following his gaze and seeing what had caught his eye. 

One of his students, a very young, thin girl was having considerable trouble with her horse. It was rearing, bucking, trying to bolt, and running into other horses. It was becoming a danger not only to its rider, but also to the other horses and riders that where there. She was doing everything that she could to get the horse to calm down with no results. The “Horse Master” however, seeing the trouble that she was having ignored the struggling horse and rider and turned back around to continue with his show. 

This experience has stuck with me ever since. It has permeated its way into how I think and what I experience in my leather walk. What is the point of pretty pony tricks if the basics of life are ignored? What is the point of having amazing public protocol if behind closed doors everything is a fight?  What is the point of looking your best only to have every request ignored, or complained about? 

And this goes for both sides of the whip. What is the point of a beautiful, amazing, and powerful slave if the Master is a gasbag jerk off that can’t see their way out of their own toy closet? 

I think about this a lot. For me the real service is the service that happens behind the doors. It is beautiful when it is public and recognized, but what emotionally goes on between the people is where the actual power is.  

I have seen beautiful play, beautiful players. I have been mesmerized by the intensity of public protocol that has left my head spinning, only to see where the people truly were emotionally and think oh- no. I really wanted it to be different, for me, for them. I wanted to see them a certain way, I wanted that to be real. And yet I know that if they had spent as much time and focus on their inner parts as they do their outer parts maybe they wouldn’t be walking away from play and service feeling empty and confused.

We are told that somehow the acts of service, and play should be deeply fulfilling for us. And when they aren’t, or they leave us questioning, it can very confusing. So here is a little light on the subject.  If a person is not emotionally fulfilled in the basis of their relationship then play and service will not fill those holes. It will give them something to do. It will give them something to focus on, it will distract them from how they are feeling, but in the end, the feelings of being unfulfilled will remain.

People do different things with those feelings.  If they stay in the relationship sometimes they get nasty with others. I have noticed that people that are really unfulfilled tend to do a lot of “Mine is better or bigger then yours” talk.  "My service is more meaningful, deeper, more thought out then yours" kind of thing.

 I will give slaves this, their ability to be passive aggressive is highly evolved involved in them. (Just kidding!!!)

 However it happens in slaves as much as in Masters.  When Masters do it they don’t even try to hide that shit. They just whip it out and go at each other. It’s ugly, but true and one of the main reasons why having a Dominant or Masters Group can be a very big challenge.  The interesting thing is that I know it when I see it. When a Master or a Dominant comes over to me and is all swagger, or says something really idiotic that they think is really enlightened, it shines a light on their feelings of being unfulfilled.  

But then who knows maybe I am just the asshole here.  I can feel it coming a mile away. I have been that idiot. I know what that feels like.  I know how it feels to sit across from people that I feel are very secure and fulfilled and feel like I come up short. That is why I started really working on the things that matter the most.  Not just because of that feeling of being less then, but being inspired by others who have that depth with their partners.  I want that, I fight for that. I don’t ever want to be the one who has the prettiest play only countered by the most vicious arguments. 

Funny how this memory has played itself out, I have often wondered what happened to that girl rider. Did she continue on with her horse path, or was she so disillusioned by that day that she put away her saddle, or find a new mentor? What would I have done? What would you have done?

AEL Kinkskills Makes paddles!!!!!!

On June 23^rd T of Tease  taught the “make and customize your own paddle” workshop for AEL Kinkskills. The host house was wonderful, thank you so much G, and the group was so much fun!  We went way overtime but everyone was patient and laughing, and T was an amazing and attentive teacher as always. I had the best time! At first I was sitting on the sidelines, I didn’t know if I had it in me to join, but k convinced me, and I am so glad that she did! I had the best time talking and feeling up my table partner, and thinking about what I was going to imprint on my paddle- also known as my paddle manifesto!

It was so great, and it was a wonderful way to say good bye to this project that I have put blood, sweat, and tears into since its inception in 2009. 

This was the last AEL Kinkskills that I will be organizing. It was a huge success, and gave me everything that I had hoped for. The paddle that I made was in memorial to the event, and hangs proudly on my rack.

I am going through a lot of transition now and ending my part of AEL Kinkskills is a big part of that. It is hard leaving this project but I am very happy about the Master and slave group that will be starting in August. We are also moving soon and so far our housing prospects are so much better than I ever thought possible, and lastly I have put out an application to an online BSN program. The college has accepted me as a student, but I haven’t heard from the nursing program yet, however, this is the beginning of me fulfilling a dream that again, I never thought possible.  

Right now there is a lot of movement followed with a ton of support and love coming at us. So many people are coming forward to offer their help and words, and have given us so much hope that even though things are scary right now I feel enveloped in a cocoon of community.  Funny, huh, that in this time of such uncertainty the overriding thing that I feel is surrounded by love.

So with  all of this change I got to thinking about  the things that I have experienced from AEL  Kinkskills that have stayed with me over the years. There are so many skills that I now have thanks to this program. Before AEL  Kinkskills I couldn’t pierce, cut, do basic bondage,  or needle bondage,  I had never made my own  toy, and I didn’t understand the intricacies of violet wand, tantra, impact, or caning.

Over time I have seen others who have attended these classes take those skills that they learned and improve on them. The first time  that I saw someone do  needles after the class it made my heart sing, and I felt like I had really done something that made a difference.

The first time I saw a woman experience her inner dominance as she stood by a towering male partner because of something that I taught her- the ah-ha moment  on her face will always be with me.

The first time that I saw CBT and had it explained to me still makes me wince, but smile.

The first time I mummified my slave after a class, and the first time I ever saw saline injections!

I loved watching people come in smiling and laughing, my slave sitting at that front table welcoming all, and the talking and friendships that developed after the class.

I loved showcasing our local  experts and am  so  grateful for all that gave their time to teach, to  host, to  volunteer, and to  make this project the beauty and joy that it was.  For me it was a labor of love, and something that I am very proud to have been lucky enough to   have co-founded and facilitated.

Thank you everyone who was right along there with me learning and laughing. 

Thank you for making the last four years everything that I had always wanted it to be.

Very Sincerely,

 Master Bear

Race, Oppression AND Privilege

Recently there has been a lot of talk about race,   privilege, and oppression. Last month AEL’s munch was on unlearning racism that started with an opening exercise. The idea was that the moderator announces a group, and if you were a part of that group you moved across the room, and if you weren’t a part of that group you stayed put, with the option of being part of that group but remaining in the closet about it. 

The concept was that those that moved to the other side of the room were the oppressed, and those that stayed put were the oppressors.  If a person did not want to participate then they were asked to leave the room.

It was an interesting exercise that required a lot of vulnerability from the players and at first I didn’t really have an issue with the game or how it played out. For me the game was about me being honest with myself and honest with the other players. The qualifiers included everything from race, class, abuse, ability and so on. 

About a week  later I was talking about the exercise with a friend who  said that the issue for them was not that the oppressed people went to the other side of the room, but that those who were left over where automatically oppressors because they did not belong to the oppressed group.

When the moderator said “has a visible disability” those that moved to the other side of the room were the oppressed and those that stayed put where the oppressors of that group, or someone who remained in the closet. 

So- I have a visible disability, I need glasses. But I didn’t move to the other side of the room because I don’t feel that bad eyesight is a disability. That made me either in the closet regarding my visible disability, or an oppressor of those that had visible disabilities.

 I thought about that for a while, and I thought, just because I was borne a certain way or have achieved certain things, does not automatically make me an oppressor. It does make me a person with privilege, I have white privilege, women privilege, dyke privilege, middle class privilege and to a certain extent leather privilege. But that does not automatically mean that I oppress those of color, men, straight people, upper class people or vanilla people. 

I am not egotistical enough to believe that I am not a racist or unbiased, that I don’t see color, religion, or gender. I see all of those things and being married to black witch women does not absolve me from being a racist either.

I am biased; I believe that we all are that is what makes oppressor vs. oppressed such a complicated issue. Just because I am  a lesbian does not mean  that I cannot  be oppressed by other lesbians, and just because I am  a lesbian  and considered  oppressed doesn’t mean that I don’t have the power to  oppress straight people.

What all of this does mean is that we all have choices to make every day, choices in what we say, what we do, what we get angry over, what we are vulnerable to, and what we choose to remain silent about.

Will  I still sweat  next  time I am  out at 3 AM  after a play party and  I have stop for gas- and need to cross through that group  of men to go pay for it. Yes I will. I will have a heightened alert for my safety and the safety of my slave -absolutely; can that mean that I could be considered being gender biased. You bet.  Do I care?  Nope.

I will go one further- I may not even get out of the car, and look for another gas station. Does that make me biased and perhaps even classist? Yep. Do I care? Nope.

I think my point here is that we can discuss all of the things that make up racism, biases, oppression and privilege, but unless we really focus on the things that matter we will never get anywhere.  So what matters?

I know what matters to me, civil and federal rights, personal safety and equality in the workplace. For me,  protecting my personal  safety and that of my slave by finding another gas station  is completely different then refusing to  medically treat a  male  and his friends.

They just aren’t the same thing. Right? Right?

Can it be argued that what starts as avoiding the gas station can end up as refusing to medically treat? Yes. It happened to gays in the beginning of the Aids crisis, and still occurs. It happened to Muslims and Arabs after 911 and still occurs, and it happens to the homeless every day. 

So what is my point here? I think my point here is racism; biases, oppression and privilege are complex issues that belong to all of us. Whether we want them to or not, and not one single thing gets us absolution from having to deal with those issues.

Just to be clear here, there is no real answer. There is no final right answer that makes any one of us that perfectly unbiased person.  And for the love of god stop having the" I am less racist then you" conversation- it’s embarrassing.

PERV May 25th

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DandyKor was AWESOME!!!!!

Last weekend was DandyKor.  It is a group in Albuquerque that puts on queer block parties about once every other month, and for April they enlisted my slave and I to help with the kink element of the party. I was so thrilled to help out, and the outpouring of support, skill, and volunteering from this community was wonderful to see. 

I felt the luckiest because I was able to do the flogging booth and watch as my slave took on the spanking booth. 

I have never done a flogging booth in public before. I have taught flogging, but this was whole new ball game. For the most part I was working with people that had never played and had no reference for the realities of BDSM except for maybe   what they had fantasized about.  It presented its own challenges for example getting people to have confidence, then getting them to understand movement and their own bodies, explaining safety basics, and looking at the bottoms body as a whole--   all within say 15 minutes per couple. It was really great for my brain!!!  I loved the challenge, and seeing people come into the booth scared and intimidated but walk away giddy, smiling, giggling and for many very sexually aroused!   

For some you could see that this was a skill that they took too like a fish to water, and that they connected to on a deep level. This was visible from the people both throwing the flogger as well as receiving the flogging. There were some new bottoms that glazed over in a happy smile and although nervous about asking for more, were very eager for the lesson to continue. 

 I also had the opportunity to have some fun on experienced players and play with my back hand swing. That was a blast!!!  There was a lot of hard hitting fun and laughing! 

Overall I am still on cloud nine from this experience. It was amazing to see people instantly fall in love with flogging the way that I am.  And for those that didn’t fall in love with it I got to see their defenses lower, their fear dissipate, and their confidence sky rocket. 

Honestly, I think one of my favorite parts was the demo. My bottom for the evening and I did an on stage 5 minute demo on flogging. It was hot, sensual, and the crowd was completely engaged.  I had my lovely bottom sitting on a chair facing the crowd with  her   legs open, and I was explaining about how to use  the chest and inner thighs and of course, the genitals. By the end of the demo the crowd was right along with me shouting “pussy! “  I explained about hitting hard and hitting softly, and that sometimes my bottom gets a little mouthy and it is good to hit her a little harder. I made it a point to say that hitting someone hard is easy, that it doesn’t have any art to it but using floggers differently takes finesse and skill. So at the end of the demo I asked the crowd if they had any questions and someone shouted “Isn’t she mouthy now?”  I laughed and gave a thwap to her breasts...  

It was amazing to have a crowd so engaged.

I also surprised myself in being able to talk about both men and women bottoms, and how techniques transfer over. I really felt like I did something worthwhile that night. 

I really enjoyed how my slave took over the spanking booth. she was amazing, and her booth was hot and busy just about all night. In fact she was spanking people all the way until I escorted her out of the building at midnight! I loved watching her interact with everyone.  Although my slave was worried about how well she would do, she is extremely skilled and she seemed to be able to take everyone from the shaking novice, to the bravado butches, to the experienced and wanting all with stride. I was so proud and impressed watching her.  Not only was she hot as hell in her corset, but she was skilled, attentive and knew how to read what people really needed even if they didn’t know it themselves.  I was just beaming.

The whole night was magical and wonderful, and it was just what my slave and I needed. I love those moments.

 Thank you so much to Avery for your vision and powerful leadership in making DandyKor possible. I would like to put out a very special Thank you to all who made this night possible. If it were not for the wonderfully experienced and skilled players manning the caning, paddling, and bondage booths, as well as Tease vending, the amazing leather man M as the MC, Alibi and his slaveonyx, and all of the local groups and individuals that volunteered and donated for this event -G- , AEL, NMFL, and Tease it would not have been the amazing night that it was. I am deeply deeply grateful to all of you.

For more information about Dandykor you can find them here:  http://dandykor.com/