This all seems surreal.

It is now Monday morning at about 1 am. By the time I post this it will be Friday morning and if everything goes as smoothly as it has been we will have done the walk through in the new house and have closed the next day. So here I am waiting for this week to unfold, and I am not happy per Se as much as melancholy, reflective, pensive, and removed. I know that in about nine hours I will be doing the walk through followed by wiring the money to the bank. I know that in about 34 hours I will be closing on the new house- but this all seems surreal.

On Tuesday June 18^th I turned to my slave and said that I was done. I couldn’t do this anymore, that I didn’t know where we were going to land, but we couldn’t keep  doing  what we were doing and I  had reached my breaking point. Rightfully so, she was stunned, but never once said non and a fter a few minutes, she thoughtfully said OK.

A few days after that my slave  wrote about our situation  on Facebook and a few days after that we met our new realtor Beth Beaver who specializes in the East Mountains. So here  we are literally six weeks after that decision was made and we are closing on our new home and re looking at what our future can hold.

I am starting to get sad and frustrated about some things. I will miss my 5 acres as we go down to 2.5 . I will miss the green as it will take some time to build up the land; I will miss the feeling of solitude as our new neighbors will be in sight, and the openness of our current house as the new one is about 200 sq feet less, with a more closed floor plan.  

I am angry at this house, at myself, at the people that should have had our best interest at heart and failed us, I am angry. I am scared that I am putting all of this effort forth and in one year my slave and I will be in the same boat that we are here. I try to remind myself that we are making different decisions. That Beth knows her stuff right down to the subdivision and  that she has out best interest at heart. I know that we are going way below what we can really afford, and that we know so much more now than we did before.

I keep trying to reassure myself that this move will mean a difference for us, and that I shouldn’t feel so sad and frustrated. I should feel grateful, happy, and joyful, I should feel all sorts of things like relief, and relaxation- and yet here I am - unable to sleep at one am - waiting for – well- something.

I know that logically any move from where we are now will be a good thing. I know that logically this has brought about a massive amount of community and loved ones support and that should be my focus.  I know that logically in time I will adjust to less land and less house, but will smile when I see my horses well fed and feet trimmed. 

I know that logically this all makes sense- I am just waiting for the rest of me- literally the rest of me- to get there to. 

I can only hope about where we will be in a year, two years from now. That is what is getting me through the now- the hope that the future will be so much better than the last four years. I hold on to that with what strength and resolve I have left.

 The hope that I will be able to give back instead of having my hand out, the hope that my slave will never have another winter with no heat, or one more day with  an empty  pantry. The hope that I will never see the horses ribs again, the hope that I can reclaim my sense of dignity and self worth. 

Perhaps that is what scares me the most- if this doesn’t work- who will I be? What will I be left with? How can I rebuild if this doesn’t work? And I don’t mean my finances or my credit score, I mean myself. This house has striped me of who I thought I could be, and this move is putting all of that on the line- my sense of worth as a person ,as a lesbian ,as a Master. So the thought of failing now is the thought that I could loose every sense of myself that ever mattered to me.    

Come to think of it- with all of that on the line- maybe I am holding up pretty ok……. 

DandyKor was AWESOME!!!!!

Last weekend was DandyKor.  It is a group in Albuquerque that puts on queer block parties about once every other month, and for April they enlisted my slave and I to help with the kink element of the party. I was so thrilled to help out, and the outpouring of support, skill, and volunteering from this community was wonderful to see. 

I felt the luckiest because I was able to do the flogging booth and watch as my slave took on the spanking booth. 

I have never done a flogging booth in public before. I have taught flogging, but this was whole new ball game. For the most part I was working with people that had never played and had no reference for the realities of BDSM except for maybe   what they had fantasized about.  It presented its own challenges for example getting people to have confidence, then getting them to understand movement and their own bodies, explaining safety basics, and looking at the bottoms body as a whole--   all within say 15 minutes per couple. It was really great for my brain!!!  I loved the challenge, and seeing people come into the booth scared and intimidated but walk away giddy, smiling, giggling and for many very sexually aroused!   

For some you could see that this was a skill that they took too like a fish to water, and that they connected to on a deep level. This was visible from the people both throwing the flogger as well as receiving the flogging. There were some new bottoms that glazed over in a happy smile and although nervous about asking for more, were very eager for the lesson to continue. 

 I also had the opportunity to have some fun on experienced players and play with my back hand swing. That was a blast!!!  There was a lot of hard hitting fun and laughing! 

Overall I am still on cloud nine from this experience. It was amazing to see people instantly fall in love with flogging the way that I am.  And for those that didn’t fall in love with it I got to see their defenses lower, their fear dissipate, and their confidence sky rocket. 

Honestly, I think one of my favorite parts was the demo. My bottom for the evening and I did an on stage 5 minute demo on flogging. It was hot, sensual, and the crowd was completely engaged.  I had my lovely bottom sitting on a chair facing the crowd with  her   legs open, and I was explaining about how to use  the chest and inner thighs and of course, the genitals. By the end of the demo the crowd was right along with me shouting “pussy! “  I explained about hitting hard and hitting softly, and that sometimes my bottom gets a little mouthy and it is good to hit her a little harder. I made it a point to say that hitting someone hard is easy, that it doesn’t have any art to it but using floggers differently takes finesse and skill. So at the end of the demo I asked the crowd if they had any questions and someone shouted “Isn’t she mouthy now?”  I laughed and gave a thwap to her breasts...  

It was amazing to have a crowd so engaged.

I also surprised myself in being able to talk about both men and women bottoms, and how techniques transfer over. I really felt like I did something worthwhile that night. 

I really enjoyed how my slave took over the spanking booth. she was amazing, and her booth was hot and busy just about all night. In fact she was spanking people all the way until I escorted her out of the building at midnight! I loved watching her interact with everyone.  Although my slave was worried about how well she would do, she is extremely skilled and she seemed to be able to take everyone from the shaking novice, to the bravado butches, to the experienced and wanting all with stride. I was so proud and impressed watching her.  Not only was she hot as hell in her corset, but she was skilled, attentive and knew how to read what people really needed even if they didn’t know it themselves.  I was just beaming.

The whole night was magical and wonderful, and it was just what my slave and I needed. I love those moments.

 Thank you so much to Avery for your vision and powerful leadership in making DandyKor possible. I would like to put out a very special Thank you to all who made this night possible. If it were not for the wonderfully experienced and skilled players manning the caning, paddling, and bondage booths, as well as Tease vending, the amazing leather man M as the MC, Alibi and his slaveonyx, and all of the local groups and individuals that volunteered and donated for this event -G- , AEL, NMFL, and Tease it would not have been the amazing night that it was. I am deeply deeply grateful to all of you.

For more information about Dandykor you can find them here:  http://dandykor.com/

Leather and Poly

Out of all of the aspects that I have assumed control over my slave the one that I don’t, through my choice, is the polyamorous aspect of our  relationship.  My slaves dating interests don’t have to go through me, nor do I tell her no when it comes to who she chooses. We do however both have a few strict rules that we follow in choosing our dating partners. No drugs, no alcoholics, must be employed.  The other “unspoken” rules that speak to whether or not the relationship continues are must be excellent in bed, must be independent, must be able to speak intelligently. 

Overall, however, I don’t interfere in her dating, and I don’t monitor her correspondence. I know that a lot of Masters do and that they have rules where the other person has to go through the Master to initiate dating with their slave. 

I do however have complete say over who plays with her.   My slave is never loaned out. I may from time to time invite someone to play with her when I am playing with her. But that is very rare. Personally I don’t understand the loaning out thing. I don’t get off on it, I find it rather distasteful.  I don’t mean playing with other people - that kind of loaning out I get. I mean loaning the slave out for sex. I don’t get that at all. I think that it is kind of gross, really. 

 When my slave is looking at dating she says that she isn’t interested in dating someone who is leather, she isn’t interested in her other lovers having any type of D/s element. Interesting huh? she says that being a slave is exhausting!!! LOL!!!   she can’t imagine being that tired with her other lovers!

Honestly speaking, the other reason that I don’t interfere with her dating is because I was   monogamous for many years. Although she was poly and she would date, we were mostly poly in theory and monogamous in practice. I didn’t take any control over her  polyamorous choices because I didn’t feel that I could do it responsibly. I didn’t feel that I would pick her other partners fairly and because of my own insecurities I would simply say no to everyone. So since I couldn’t be fair and responsible, I didn’t take control over that part of her life. Then when she found another partner that she was serious about really dating and wanted to start a sexual relationship with that person, it rocked me to my core. We went through it for about 5 months as we struggled to find where polyamory legitimately had a place in our lives. It was so deeply difficult at that time.

But we did come out on the other side, much stronger, much happier, very much in love. I however, still don’t take any control over that part of her life. Even though now I feel that I would be much more responsible, I still feel that those choices need to be hers. We do discuss things like sex, and negotiate time and make sure that we are both comfortable.  But those negations are done outside of the boundaries of our Master and slave relationship, just in case she would feel a need to withhold how she feels or what she wants for the sake of her service.   

Also conversely, when I date another partner I negotiate time and sex with my slave. I don’t just tell her who I am seeing and when we are going to do things. We do talk about it and I am very careful to take in her feelings.

I have heard of Masters who bring in other slaves, or submissive's or who tell their slave that they have to have a relationship sexually with someone else, and are surprised when the slave has FEELINGS about that.

I think that relationships, especially multiple ones, are delicate things. And I think that as much as Masters have control over our slaves, how a slave feels is their own. I want my slave to have full emotionally rich relationships, and only she knows who those people can be who would really fulfill her. 

After all  a  happy slave makes for a happy house.

Emotional roller coasters

Emotions  are transitory. Emotions change, grow, and  dim. What a person  feels one day doesn't mean that they will feel it the next.
Sometimes in relationships when the emotion  of love changes, doesn't come as easy or is challenged by time limitations or emotional fatigue, it is easy to fall into the thought that the feelings  are gone and will be gone forever and then panic.

This can  create a roller coaster affect in the relationship. Where the people in the relationship  chase the high of being in love, chase that feeling of euphoria that comes with  the intensity of love and lust. Then crash  emotionally when the love is felt to be  not as strong, or is felt to not be returned, or is threatened in  some way real or imagined.  
Usually this is where a fight happens. The fight is based in  something that really doesn't matter,  but the intention of the fight is to turn the other persons attention back to the relationship and their partner.
So the relationship  goes from the high and euphoria of love  to the angst of a fight to the high again.


Healthier relationships learn to find a middle road.  They understand that there are closer times and  further times and  times when instead of causing a conflict to create closeness, they  simply ask for closeness  and act to  create it.

So this has what to do  with BDSM exactly?

Because these are people patterns, they exist in  all types of relationships, and when you take those patterns and put them into relationships that are based in power exchange you get different outcomes.

Because we view our identities as such  a deep part of who we are, the roller coaster pattern can have a very different significance to  a Master and slave couple then to a  vanilla one.

So  in a vanilla relationship  maybe the partners  fight it out, get up and leave for the night, or tell each other off. Maybe they show each other love and euphoria by getting extra oohy gooey, and maybe they do  more things for each other, or get little gifts for each other, or do something along those lines, until they fall back into fighting.

For M/s couples though the options are different. In some dynamics slaves are not allowed to voice feelings against the Master. So although they may have them , speaking them is forbidden. The slave may  not have the physical ability to leave for example they may not have access to  a car, money, or even  clothes to be able to leave the house.

The Master may react badly to  feelings of disconnect from the slave and intentionally or unintentionally make the slaves life harder to create that feeling that was there before.

During the loving times the Master may not feel that they as a Master can be overly loving because of their  identity so they may withhold their love and affection.



The other end of this is when the slave starts to feel disconnected and starts making the Masters life a living hell until they feel that they (the slave) matters  to the Master.  Then things calm down and the slave becomes very attentive and loving,  until the need for the connection  happens again, and the living hell ensues.

 When it does happen in this direction the Master many times will feel that they  cannot discuss what is going on because of the fear that others will view them as not in  charge of their slave, or less of a Master, or not a Master at all.
It can  become very paralyzing.


Because of our identities we go through other thought processes then the vanilla folk. Things like if I were more of a slave or submissive then I could have fulfilled my Master in a way then they never would have left-- maybe I am not a slave or a submissive at all. So if I become  a dominant maybe that way I can't be hurt again, I don't ever have to be that vulnerable again.

We aren't talking about the ending of a relationship here-  we are talking about the ending of an  identity. This goes both ways, Masters that leave their path of Mastery because they don't feel that they are able to lead. If they were a stronger  Master the slave would have been more obedient, more loving, more responsive, more something....  So it must be the Master.

Kind of like when  a lesbian relationship goes wrong and someone freaks and thinks that if they were in a straight relationship that their lives and relationsips would somehow be easier.

So finding the middle road, knowing and having peace with the thought that what a person  feels will change and grow and dissipate depending on a lot of things. 
Sometimes just reminding the self that feeling of love and lust and euphoria is going to  change and  morph into something else. It doesn't mean that it has to go away entirely, but it does change. 

Sometimes it changes off of the roller coaster and onto  a long and beautiful road where the love is the constant and the fights are rare and resolvable.

And sometimes,  well sometimes it is time to buy  a ticket to another ride.  Not necessarily change how you identify, unless you are changing,  but change the ride.